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Old 06-06-2004, 12:30 PM   #1
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AliDawn823 HB User
Dumped and not sure how to feel

Well, I've been dating this guy for six months. About three months ago, we had a discussion on the status of our relationship and he indicated he wasn't ready for a serious relationship for various reasons. We talked through things and continued to go out. We talked via email and phone every day and went out every Friday and Saturday and even did things together during the week. We even went out of town together last weekend for Memorial day. Then, last night at 7pm, he calls to discuss a little fight we had Friday night and he says he just doesn't know what to do with us right now. Basically, this is a blurb of what he said - he's not ready for a serious relationship. He's not where he wants to be career wise and financial wise and can't focus on a relationship right now until those are settled. He aslo said this is a very hard decision for him and he was very conflicted about it and we just needed to take a step back and take a breather. So, I just said we wouldn't go out anymore b/c I couldn't get into a casual dating relationship with someone who I had been seeing for six months. He made me promise that he could call me and I would still talk to him (although I'm not sure I'm going to do it).

I'm basically confused b/c I don't understand why he would want to see me so much if he knew he didn't want a serious relationship. I'm pretty sure it's not b/c of someone else but who knows at this point. In a way, I've seen this coming b/c he hasn't been very affecionate with me lately.

To make things even more confused, I've actually been questioning my feelings for him for about a month now. I like him and care about him but couldn't see myself falling in love with him, although I was going to keep our relationship going to see what would happen. But, if I really felt this way, why am I so upset and hurt now? Why am I sitting here desperately wanting him to call me? Its burns me up to know that by next weekend he will be out drinking with all his friends again and forgetting all about me when I'll be sitting at home all alone (b/c I don't have many friends here).

 
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Old 06-06-2004, 01:46 PM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

he may not want to see you as much because seeing you would just bring his mind and thoughts back to you....

This is very normal to happen. Its hard to tell if someone else was in the picture so we'll just go with that there is not. People (especially young) are very confused when it come time to get in a serious reationship. This guy is doing a good thing for himself. He wants to straighten his mind and career before he settles.

This doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. This means he wants to have a good career to fall on if you both fail. Taking this step is very normal and for him not to see you as much I am thinking because he doesn't want his emotions to get in the way.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:47 PM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Oh honey, I wish I could help you somehow. Something almost exactly the same has happened to me. It was the same scenario: after three months the guy I was dating started delivering the "noserious relationship" line. He still continued to call me and we saw each other a lot, but that talk was just making me so unhappy. To add insult to injury, he would also tell me that he can "control his feelings." We had such a great time together, I continued to see him because, like you, I wanted to see what happens. And because I just could NOT believe that someone can really "control their feelings." After all, we had SO much chemistry and we got along so great. Well, let me tell you, his behavior just started to deteriorate in direct proportion to my feelings for him becoming stronger and stronger. Or should I say in reverse proportion. Basically, the more in love I was falling with him, the more crappy he began to act. In the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean, the guy refused to spend New Year's eve with me and opted to go to his parents instead. By himself. Not even asking if I was going to stay alone at home crying. Not caring in the least. From my experience, it's never a good sign when a guy gives you the "nonserious relationship" talk, regardless of how he acts at that given moment. He's basically warning you "We have no future together." I guess on some rare occasions a change of mind is possible, especially if he's a young guy, but I stronly recommend that you DON'T agree to any sort of "casual" (i.e. no strings attached) relationship with him. He might come back, but be sure that when he does, something has changed about his attitude and what he wants out of a relationship, and it's not just his hormones talking. Otherwise you'll be running around in circles and you'll never be truly happy with the little scraps he gives you. I really do hope that everything will work out for the best for you. Stay strong and let us know how things go.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:52 PM   #4
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Oh honey, I wish I could help you somehow. Something almost exactly the same has happened to me. It was the same scenario: after three months the guy I was dating started delivering the "noserious relationship" line. He still continued to call me and we saw each other a lot, but that talk was just making me so unhappy. To add insult to injury, he would also tell me that he can "control his feelings." We had such a great time together, I continued to see him because, like you, I wanted to see what happens. And because I just could NOT believe that someone can really "control their feelings." After all, we had SO much chemistry and we got along so great. Well, let me tell you, his behavior just started to deteriorate in direct proportion to my feelings for him becoming stronger and stronger. Or should I say in reverse proportion. Basically, the more in love I was falling with him, the more crappy he began to act. In the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean, the guy refused to spend New Year's eve with me and opted to go to his parents instead. By himself. Not even asking if I was going to stay alone at home crying. Not caring in the least. From my experience, it's never a good sign when a guy gives you the "nonserious relationship" talk, regardless of how he acts at that given moment. He's basically warning you "We have no future together." I guess on some rare occasions a change of mind is possible, especially if he's a young guy, but I stronly recommend that you DON'T agree to any sort of "casual" (i.e. no strings attached) relationship with him. He might come back, but be sure that when he does, something has changed about his attitude and what he wants out of a relationship, and it's not just his hormones talking. Otherwise you'll be running around in circles and you'll never be truly happy with the little scraps he gives you. I really do hope that everything will work out for the best for you. Stay strong and let us know how things go.
Very good post Sophia and good example

 
Old 06-06-2004, 01:57 PM   #5
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Very good post Sophia and good example
Don't even for A SECOND think this is going to save you from my wrath for calling me an "old lady"

 
Old 06-06-2004, 02:32 PM   #6
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AliDawn823 HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Well, I DID NOT agree to do the casual dating thing. Once he mentioned they we just needed to take a step back, I told him I couldn't just go from where we were to just seeing each other when he wanted to. I basically told him I didn't want to see him anymore at that point. He refused to give up on not calling me so I told him he could, although I really don't see that happening. Throughout the day today, I wrote an email detailing everything I was confused about and how I felt, just so he would know, and I plan on leaving it at that. I just hope, that if he does call at some point, I have the willpower not to answer.

He also told me, in addition to wanting to further his career, that he was unhappy in his job and was looking for something here but if he had to move to get something he liked better with more money, then he would and he hated long-distance relationships. But, I just can't see how he would give up on that now just b/c there is a slim chance he might move.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 02:36 PM   #7
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AliDawn823 HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

And just so everyone knows, he's 30 and I'm 29.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 03:42 PM   #8
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Don't even for A SECOND think this is going to save you from my wrath for calling me an "old lady"

Ooooohh! I missed that one! Sophia, you're still a youngster from where I stand. That's all I have to say.

To the original poster, follow the advice from those who have been there. The guy was not meant for you. Don't fret over him and don't wait for him to call. Go out, make new friends. I don't know why every needs to have someone to go out with all the time. Sometimes I just like going out by myself and have to freedom to do as I please. It's just a break from the usual routine.


Hoop (keeping his distance while Sophia's JATO fuel runs out)

 
Old 06-06-2004, 04:09 PM   #9
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AliDawn823 HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

i know, it just hurts a lot. After we had our first discussion and he said he didn't want a serious relationship right now, I took that into consideration, we still continued on as we were but I did my best not to get attached to him and so forth. His reasons then were 1) My last boyfriend and I were pretty serious and lived together. We have been broken up a while before I met him and he was weary of being a rebound. 2) I always talk about not liking this city so he thought I might move. 3) He wasn't happy with his job and he might move. I assued him of the first two things and said it he moved, he moved, I would deal with it then.However, after he invited me to his parents for Easter (However, I didn't go) and started wanting to see me more and more (and not just for sex) I thought all those issues were resolved. Now, all of a sudden, I hear otherwise. It is possible he is using that as a scapegoat, instead of just telling me he isn't interested in me anymore, I just don't know. He denies that is the reason but, for some reason, I dont' believe him. Maybe I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I wrote him an email and told him I deserved the truth.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 06:39 PM   #10
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Personally, I think it is pretty lame of this guy giving you the excuses you mentioned. If this guy can’t handle a relationship right now because of his job or how his career has progressed then he will have a hard time handling multiple simultaneous problems in the future and they will occur. Maybe this lack of ability in him is also recognized by his supervisor and is the real reason his career is stagnant and will remain so no matter where he goes.

In any case, a person’s job and the problems that go with it, is no legitimate reason to not want a relationship when the very nature of a relationship can benefit anyone having a tough time by just talking to them and being there for them. I personally think the guy has a big problem with being insecure about life. He envisions a perfect world and still retains characteristics of being a mama’s boy. You really are better off without him no matter how much you are hurting at the moment.

I just don’t agree with his excuses. Of course, there may be other reasons he is pulling away from the relationship. Since you are new to posting on this board, you may not have read the other posts that deal with a situation similar to yours. The other posters have made similar statements about their guys. For one reason or another, the poster said the guy didn’t want or was ready to continue with a serious relationship only to have the girls find out the guy ends up getting married a couple of months later to someone else.

As for the email you sent him, I don’t think it is as good an idea as picking up the phone and talking to him directly, right there and then. Emails make it very difficult to read a person’s true emotions. I mean, this type of conversation just can’t be carried out with “smilies” and “emoticons”. You deserve the truth from him no matter the outcome, but the guy may not be mature enough to deal with the truth himself to be able to tell you.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 09:50 PM   #11
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoop
Ooooohh! I missed that one! Sophia, you're still a youngster from where I stand. That's all I have to say.

To the original poster, follow the advice from those who have been there. The guy was not meant for you. Don't fret over him and don't wait for him to call. Go out, make new friends. I don't know why every needs to have someone to go out with all the time. Sometimes I just like going out by myself and have to freedom to do as I please. It's just a break from the usual routine.


Hoop (keeping his distance while Sophia's JATO fuel runs out)
Thank you Hoop. I need all the emotional support I can get right now. I was referring to Jeff's comment on another thread. I guess he views women who are ten years older than him as "old ladies." I think it's my turn to have a pity party. I just came back from a friend's wedding where I was pretty much the only woman without a boyfriend. Another friend of mine is pregnant, and my younger sister is getting married in two months. I don't think I can handle all this lovey dovey stuff anymore. The wedding was so beautiful and they looked so happy together. I kept my composure pretty well during the ceremony, but now I'm turning into a stupid pathetic sappy mess. I wish I could just be cool and strong and chipper. I hate myself for feeling this way.

Oh, yes, Ali, I think you made the right decision telling him no casual relationship. And yes, I was also 30 and so was the boyfriend I told you about who reminded me of your boyfriend. 30 doesn't mean that men feel like they've reached adulthood anymore. Especially if you live in a major american city like I do. they think they're way too young at 30 to even imagine being with one woman for any prolonged period of time. As one of my acquaintances said, "40 is now the new 30." I'm afraid we're doomed to dating much older men. But don't listen to me, I'm jaded right now. Hopefully this fellow will realize what he's missing and how much you mean to him. Underneath it all, I am still a hopelesss romantic. Take care.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 01:04 AM   #12
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Thank you Hoop. I need all the emotional support I can get right now. I was referring to Jeff's comment on another thread. I guess he views women who are ten years older than him as "old ladies." I think it's my turn to have a pity party. I just came back from a friend's wedding where I was pretty much the only woman without a boyfriend. Another friend of mine is pregnant, and my younger sister is getting married in two months. I don't think I can handle all this lovey dovey stuff anymore. The wedding was so beautiful and they looked so happy together. I kept my composure pretty well during the ceremony, but now I'm turning into a stupid pathetic sappy mess. I wish I could just be cool and strong and chipper. I hate myself for feeling this way.

Hang in there Sophia, your time will come. Yeah, I figured it was in reference to another post. You’re still a “babe in the woods”. I missed a friend’s wedding myself about a month ago due to something else that came up unexpectedly. The following week, I was invited to a party where much of the same crowd was gathering and I had to miss that one only because I wasn’t sure how the people attending would react seeing how I missed the wedding. I didn’t want them to think I was being rude so I missed the party, on purpose.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
... As one of my acquaintances said, "40 is now the new 30." I'm afraid we're doomed to dating much older men...
LOL Oooohh! And I was trying to be nice to you here. LOL What has everybody been doing lately, listening to Pink Floyd’s “A Momentary Lapse of Reason” while smoking a doobie?…. I want some of THAT! LOL

Don’t worry everyone. I can handle it. I actually enjoy my singleness. for I am one with the Universe. Thanks for leaving out "dirty" from your post though, but I still like SabrinaRose’s comments better. LOL

Hoop ( That older “dirty” man, younger women are doomed to date) LOL

....Shut up! Stop laughing at me. It doesn't help my self esteem.

Last edited by Hoop; 06-07-2004 at 01:06 AM.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 04:32 AM   #13
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Why can’t you just accept what the guy has said about not being in a serious relationship?
Why do you feel that there is more to his story? After three months of dating he told you he did not want a serious relationship – Is that not a Red Flag? He continued the relationship maybe hoping to change his mind. You too continued to date the man hoping he would change his mind about you? Knowing what he told you, you still made yourself available for him. He gave it his best shot and to save you further grief he is decided that he no longer wants to continue the relationship.
SO what is the problem here? Respect his wishes and move on.

I’m sure you had a good time with him and you felt there was chemistry there, well maybe he didn’t feel the chemistry as you did.
Don’t make him a villain for being honest with you. Be honest with yourself.
You really liked the guy, enjoyed his company, you wanted more then he is willing to offer you. Don’t knock him for “trying” to like you back as much as you like him.

He wants to continue to keep in touch with you because HE likes YOU – Don’t sell yourself short. What I mean by that you’re a nice girl and someone he has fun with but he can’t make himself love you more then you love him. I’m not trying to hurt you or make light of how you feel I’m just trying to let you see that Two people can enjoy each others company but one’s feelings is stronger then the other. I don’t see him wanting to hurt you. I see him trying to let you go as easy as he knows how.

If you can’t handle the causal relationship, you tell him that. You’re not a “causal” type of girl and you have more respect for yourself then to continue a relationship where the feelings are not mutual.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 07:00 AM   #14
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
Why can’t you just accept what the guy has said about not being in a serious relationship?
Why do you feel that there is more to his story? After three months of dating he told you he did not want a serious relationship – Is that not a Red Flag? He continued the relationship maybe hoping to change his mind. You too continued to date the man hoping he would change his mind about you? .
Hmm, but isn't it what men almost always say when things starts looking more serious? It's like a knee-jerk reaction with them. Every girl's I know boyfriend has pulled this stuff on them. Each of my boyfriends has said this, some sooner and others later, but they ALL say this "no serious relationship" line. I am not surprised she still continued to date him to give it a chance. I mean, feelings are not set in stone; they develop during the course of the relationship, so how can someone know for sure how they're going to feel a year from now? If they were having such a great time together, lots of chemistry, and the man is 30 so not too young per se, I would think there is a chance he was going to fall in love with her. Maybe I just don't know men at all. It really makes me wonder. One of my good friends has been dating this kind of guy for nearly 2 years. Do you think she's wasting her time?

 
Old 06-07-2004, 07:04 AM   #15
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Dumped and not sure how to feel

Hoop, my sincere apologies. I don't know your age, and you have a very young personality anyway, so you shouldn't feel like this applied to you. You know what, in fact I would date a 40 or 40+ year old man if he was young at heart and in good physical shape. I've seen some 20-year-olds who aren't nearly as attractive as some 40 year olds. I take what I said back.

 
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