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Old 06-07-2004, 10:12 AM   #1
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mouse62 HB User
Social Blind Spot

(((I'm embarassed to post on this again . . . but this is a safe place to vent, and maybe I'll get new feedback?)))

One of my co-workers (male) used to be very friendly with me, and with my husband at the occasional get-together. Now, another co-worker, female, whom I just had lunch with last week, has been saying for awhile that the male co-woker and some of us should all go to lunch together; he's on the road for business travel a lot so we don't see him too much.

I've complained on here about constantly being left out of social events here; this guy was always a question mark, he did go out with the crowd and not bother to invite me, but then he'd be friendly to me in the office.

Well, today, he asked 2 co-workers and the friend I had lunch with last week to go out. Since he is probably paying (at least this is the only reason I can think of) she could not just say Let's invite Mouse too. Once again I watched the procession go by my office.

My husband thinks I shouldn't even give these people the time of day. That they show no appreciation to me. I have become very quiet and reflective about all of these social issues and do not flip out over stuff like this anymore, however, I do feel a bit of sadness and puzzled. I will NOT go to the guy and ask him why he didn't invite me, that's his choice and I would feel it was rude if someone questioned me about that.

Besides venting, I guess I'm posting to see if anyone else would feel as I do, just saddened and puzzled.

 
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Old 06-07-2004, 10:36 AM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Quote:
Originally Posted by mouse62
My husband thinks I shouldn't even give these people the time of day. That they show no appreciation to me. I have become very quiet and reflective about all of these social issues and do not flip out over stuff like this anymore, however, I do feel a bit of sadness and puzzled. I will NOT go to the guy and ask him why he didn't invite me, that's his choice and I would feel it was rude if someone questioned me about that.
Your husband is right. Nothing is going to change so why should you give them the time & day. You to work and work. There are going to be things that you don't like about it but no job is set to be perfect.

If you say something about they will invite you because they feel bad and do you want to go to a lunch with the people being there feeling that way.???..i wouldn't. Just let it go, and if they end up inviting you sometime then go. Don't feel bad because you feel left out. This is like high school where there are groups of people that hang out. He has his and you have yours.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 10:42 AM   #3
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mouse62 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

"Just let it go, and if they end up inviting you sometime then go. "

Umm, I won't go somewhere as Second Best or the Rejects Club or something. Like if someone popular who normally doesn't even look at me, but her best friends are out that day, then she asks me to lunch because she doesn't want to be alone. I won't go, I say I'm busy. That's what I can't do, is be included sometimes and excluded others and not knowing why. Maybe I feel like an ***, because I expressed interest in this particular lunch and obviously someone on the other end either forgot about me or pointedly did not want me there. Oh well. No, I won't socialize with them even if asked now.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 10:43 AM   #4
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PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Maybe he is aware of "your married" and is looking for activities involving single ones? I know it hurts because I'd been there with something similar. When it came down to the nitty gritty the few people were way out of my league, as I was married and they wanted to all party and mess around....and your husband is right. If they are going to be childish like--go to work with a smile and completely be friendly and ignore what they are doing.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 10:46 AM   #5
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mouse62 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Ha! Two of the men and one of the women is married -- but I wouldn't doubt if the motive to mess around was there.

"When it came down to the nitty gritty the few people were way out of my league" -- don't you mean that you were way out of their league? Do I have that backwards? You are obviously too mature, intelligent, etc. for them -- so you are out of their league.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 10:51 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Quote:
Originally Posted by mouse62
"Just let it go, and if they end up inviting you sometime then go. "

Umm, I won't go somewhere as Second Best or the Rejects Club or something. Like if someone popular who normally doesn't even look at me, but her best friends are out that day, then she asks me to lunch because she doesn't want to be alone. I won't go, I say I'm busy. That's what I can't do, is be included sometimes and excluded others and not knowing why. Maybe I feel like an ***, because I expressed interest in this particular lunch and obviously someone on the other end either forgot about me or pointedly did not want me there. Oh well. No, I won't socialize with them even if asked now.
Because some you talk to go it doesn't mean you shouldnt talk to them. This one person is asking them out from what I understand and not asking you. They are going because they are have lunch open and willing to go. I can't explain why they don't ask you but don't talk to your friends that go. They are not going to stop because you don't go. The main problem is the person asking them to go.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 11:20 AM   #7
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mouse62 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

It is no big deal and I already have "recovered." Just that crazy initial reaction like, what is it? Does my breath stink? Was someone talking behind my back? Am I too old? (the two guys are 40ish and I'm 41) etc. etc. People are just such a disappointment sometimes. I believe I do my end of things -- for my job, I work, for my family, I am responsive to their needs, and for the other people in my life including my co-workers, I am friendly and listen and have empathy. So it just doesn't add up, and that's the thing, it's puzzling.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 11:36 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Quote:
Originally Posted by mouse62
It is no big deal and I already have "recovered." Just that crazy initial reaction like, what is it? Does my breath stink? Was someone talking behind my back? Am I too old? (the two guys are 40ish and I'm 41) etc. etc. People are just such a disappointment sometimes. I believe I do my end of things -- for my job, I work, for my family, I am responsive to their needs, and for the other people in my life including my co-workers, I am friendly and listen and have empathy. So it just doesn't add up, and that's the thing, it's puzzling.

Life in general is not fair. We learned this in school when all the kids had thier own groups. It heart breaking now because we stand at 22 or 41 and still noticing that grown adult do the same thing. We can't control it and in our own sense you have done it before and so have I. I know i have left friend behind that wanted to go somewheres.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 11:45 AM   #9
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mouse62 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

If I left someone out there was always a reason -- I knew that he/she didn't get along with others at lunch, or vice versa, would be the main reason. Or I forgot about them, which happens, it is hard to keep track of everyone . . . but I seem to be "forgotten" an awful lot and it leads me to think no one gives a you-know-what. If you would have asked me about 2 years ago about my co-workers I would have said they are GREAT people and that I look forward to learning more about them and hanging out with them. Could be I expect too much -- except some people DO get the things I was expecting, so it has to be something about me.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 11:57 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Quote:
Originally Posted by mouse62
but I seem to be "forgotten" an awful lot and it leads me to think no one gives a you-know-what. .

You have to realize that its like this in the workplace. Thats why I keep to myself where I work because to many backstab and gossip. I would get jealous if I was in your situation but eventually get over it because I wouldn't care anymore. Thats just my attitude.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 01:44 PM   #11
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Red Velvet HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

I totally agree with Eightball. I was at my last job for 5 years, and volunteered there for 3 years before that. Every workplace has its social circles...I was always left out too. Funny enough, when I stopped caring about whether I was invited to the after-work bash or not, I started to get invited. However, then after a few times I realized that these people were not the people I wanted to party with. I still get invited to parties, but I have my own circle of friends that I find more amusing. I now keep out of any particular circle at work, and try to get along with everyone. I find it easier that way. Maybe you eat lunch alone, but at least you don't spend your lunch among these people trying to figure out why they invited you out this time...and not the other times.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 01:49 PM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Velvet
I totally agree with Eightball. I was at my last job for 5 years, and volunteered there for 3 years before that. Every workplace has its social circles...I was always left out too. Funny enough, when I stopped caring about whether I was invited to the after-work bash or not, I started to get invited. However, then after a few times I realized that these people were not the people I wanted to party with. I still get invited to parties, but I have my own circle of friends that I find more amusing. I now keep out of any particular circle at work, and try to get along with everyone. I find it easier that way. Maybe you eat lunch alone, but at least you don't spend your lunch among these people trying to figure out why they invited you out this time...and not the other times.

Good example~ I am the same way.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 06:39 PM   #13
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Hey to anyone who sees this: its annebash but I lost my password, long story, but im back here again. How is maine these days jeff?? I just read From a Buick 8, pretty good King novel. I just wanted to say that mouse, I get where you are coming from. Im 27, married , 2 kids and I think about old work situations and "office politics" and cringe. It is very very similiar to high school. I didnt participate in those behaviors and when I had to would rather keep to myself. Ive read your posts over the past year and the only thing that pops into my head at the moment is "apply for other jobs and get rid of this stress, once and for all". It sounds as if the environment you work in is fairly contaminated. I know it is waaay easier said than done, but if a job that suits you financially and otherwise ever pops up, take it! Im currently returning to work after the birth of my now 2 year old, and dread getting wrapped up in a situation like that. But I am anxious to get out and be around adults again, so I must be totally people starved! I am sure things have happened in the past that maybe made you act in a way that didnt really HELP in dealing with these people, but we all learn from our mistakes. I do believe that your work situation cannot be resolved in a way that will be to your liking. Deal with it as best as you can, and try not to take it all home to your family (I know, easier said than done). Consider this a learning experience. I will try to put this in plain english for you: you did something that made some people not like, maybe even totally inadvertently and these people are the dominant personalities in your workplace. They are probably excluding you on purpose, and convincing others to do so as well. this would include new employees. I know, so high school, but what can you do at this point. If it were me, I would try to ignore it, it would always bother me though, and I would eventually leave the job, when something good enough was found. I say this after reading ALL of your posts on the topic, not just this recent one. I know there are alot of reasons not to, but honestly i would try to find a way out of that workplace. Did nt you say that recently you were even passed over for a raise that you should have gotten? Run, girl, run!

 
Old 06-07-2004, 07:36 PM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillarybash
Hey to anyone who sees this: its annebash but I lost my password, long story, but im back here again. How is maine these days jeff?? I just read From a Buick 8, pretty good King novel.
Annebash, you can get your password by emailing on of the Mods...

Anyways, maine is going good. A little cold for June but I love it.

If the job was good then I can see her reasons of staying. This is just a group of employees. We don't even now how big the company is. To me though big or small the gossip is still the same. I learned and now keep to myself. My current job is ok but pays well and the gossips is high.

 
Old 06-07-2004, 09:25 PM   #15
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Social Blind Spot

Yeah, I know. but she seems REALLY bothered by this. And i know she is married with kids too. Its alot of stress and I cant imagine heading home at the end of the day and managing to leave all that at work...Im basing my response on how on-going this is, how she feels it has screwed her out of a well-deserved raise, and her obvious unhappiness and distress as to what is going on at work. Also, I just dont see a clear resolution. If what mouse has been saying is true, she is being snubbed in a very straightforward and very mean way. Once agian, im basing this on her old posts as well. take care

 
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