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Old 06-08-2004, 09:27 AM   #1
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Guy133 HB User
How much time together?

I'm 32 years old, she's 33. How do you decide how much time together is appropriate. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months. She calls me every day that I don't see her. I spend the night with her an average of 4 or 5 nights a week.

I have some other hobbies that I like to do. Some as simple as working on a web page that I have, and my interest in fantasy sports and watching sports on TV. I also like to go camping on the weekends once or twice a month. She's not too excited about going camping with me. She has gone a couple of times.

So, right now sometimes I feel like I'd like to have an extra night per week to myself. To stay at my own house, and catch up on things, etc. I finally told her that I would like to just have a little more space. Of course, she totally flipped out about this and thinks that I don't care about her, blah blah blah.

As things have been, I am a little unhappy because I am not getting a chance to take care of some of the things I like to do.

How do you figure out how to balance your time between a girlfriend and "the rest of your life?"

 
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Old 06-08-2004, 10:00 AM   #2
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maybe helpful HB User
Re: How much time together?

Im a girlfriend. Although he and I have been seperated for a couple of months because he is moving to the state I am in, I am currently thinking the same thing. Before he went back to move his things here, we were spending every night together, and spoke of moving in together as soon as we could. But now that hell be back, Im wondering how much time is good together.

I love him with all I am, but I know he needs a little space, most men do. Although I dont think I need time away from him, I need to realize he might.

I know you spoke to your girlfriend, and maybe you could try again. Or, choose the days of the week you want to yourself, and slowly incorporate it into your time with her. Maybe give her 4 days a week, and you take 3. If you need more time during the week, let her know, and maybe just devote the weekends to her. 4 or 5 days a week with her is reasonable, just make sure you get your time to, or you could end up resenting her.

Good Luck.
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Old 06-08-2004, 10:03 AM   #3
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Re: How much time together?

lol.....I just went through the same thing a few months back.


At the begining if a relationship you both want to spend a lot of time together so noone looses any interest and you both can't go with out each other. The thing that stinks is you both adapt to each others company which makes it hard to ask for space down the road if not living together.

You have done no wrong here. You need to explain to her that you both can still talk but you want to have this one day because you have a house & personal things to tend to. Yes, she is part of your life and it not that you don't care about her but you need the space.

This is about adaptation and she will have to except the new change. It was difficult for me at first because I just wanted to go see her but I new I had things to keep up with. We got used of the changes a few weeks later.

See it can be done. She has to learn to respect that you have another life to until she moves in or you both get married. You are not giving her up...You are just simply saying "i need sometime".

 
Old 06-08-2004, 10:07 AM   #4
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Re: How much time together?

It sucks because she asks what I need to do that I can't see her. I tell her about these little things that I like to do. I just have some little projects that most people would consider dumb, but I enjoy them. So, when she finds out what I'm doing, she thinks that I think these things are more important than her. That's not the case. It's just that spending all my time with her is not the answer. Very frustrating.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 10:14 AM   #5
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eightball61 HB User
Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guy133
It sucks because she asks what I need to do that I can't see her. I tell her about these little things that I like to do. I just have some little projects that most people would consider dumb, but I enjoy them. So, when she finds out what I'm doing, she thinks that I think these things are more important than her. That's not the case. It's just that spending all my time with her is not the answer. Very frustrating.

Maybe she can help you with them but when it comes time to a hobby I like doing it myself. She has to understand your think. Communicate to her in an adult manor. Dont argue it and get defensive.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 10:22 AM   #6
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Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guy133
It sucks because she asks what I need to do that I can't see her.
This is called a red flag. Don't rush for that "denial" button. Collect yourself and see it for what it is. I am not saying it is a big enough deal to call it quits. I am only saying that it is indeed a red flag and every red flag needs to be investigated and routed out for clarity as soon as it is raised.

Any women that cannot envision that a man might just have a few odds and ends that he can fit in between the other 90% of the time focusing on her is a women that has great potential for bigger frustration down the road.

You need to work this out with her. Gauge how much pain is endured while working it out then determine if you want to deal with this kind of pain in working out other issues in the future.

She may just need a few moments to consider the reasonable nature of your ideas. If it does take more than a few moments for her to turn around, do not hide that big red flag waving in front of your face.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 10:30 AM   #7
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Re: How much time together?

Well, I think the first thing you have to smooth over is the "space" thing. This is just my opinion, and it may sound silly, but you used the word "space" which to a lot of women is male code for "I'm getting bored with you and I don't enjoy spending time with you anymore." Next time she calls you and says "are you coming over/see you tonight/what time are you coming over" explain to her CALMLY that you love spending time with her, but there are a lot of household things that you need to be home to take care of, like bill paying, cleaning, little stuff we all need to take care of, and it's being neglected and you just need a little more time at home to take care of that stuff. She doesn't need to know exactly what it is as long as you're not cheating on her, a little white lie wouldn't be the worst thing in the world in this case. Be very clear about wanting to spend time with her, enjoying her company and caring for her as much as you ever did, but your life needs attention, promise to see her soon, the next day or the day after that, and make it special the first several times you see her after one of your "check out days," and for God's sake, DO NOT USE THE WORD "SPACE"!!! Hopefully she can deal with that. If not, then she may have some abandonment issues or something, and she's just going to have to deal with them. You do have the right to a little alone time, like we all do. Good luck to you.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 10:37 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Well, I think the first thing you have to smooth over is the "space" thing. This is just my opinion, and it may sound silly, but you used the word "space" which to a lot of women is male code for "I'm getting bored with you and I don't enjoy spending time with you anymore."

This is so true

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:40 AM   #9
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Re: How much time together?

Thanks for the ideas. I'm 32 and have spent most of my life being single. Sometimes I really wonder if I would be better off staying a bachelor forever.

Although my girlfriend is a great person, there have been a few red flags. Maybe I need to stop being a wimp and just break up. The idea of breaking up with her hurts quite a bit, but maybe it would be for the best.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:45 AM   #10
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Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guy133
Although my girlfriend is a great person, there have been a few red flags. Maybe I need to stop being a wimp and just break up. The idea of breaking up with her hurts quite a bit, but maybe it would be for the best.
Clearly there us a lot that we don't know beyond the simple scenario and question you originally posed. Do what looks in your best interest - stay or go - you are the only one in the position to make that judgement.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:47 AM   #11
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Re: How much time together?

That maybe the problem right there. You wonder about being a bachelor forever and you said shes 31. Shes probably looking for a husband, a father of her kids, etc. She probably has never wondered if she would be better off as a bachelorette forever. I don't know much about your relationship other than your post, but maybe she is ready for the next step and you telling her you need space triggers her insecurities that you may never want to settle down with her? If she gets that vibe from you, as I did, then maybe thats where this whole problem stems from.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:50 AM   #12
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SophiaM HB User
Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Well, I think the first thing you have to smooth over is the "space" thing. This is just my opinion, and it may sound silly, but you used the word "space" which to a lot of women is male code for "I'm getting bored with you and I don't enjoy spending time with you anymore." Next time she calls you and says "are you coming over/see you tonight/what time are you coming over" explain to her CALMLY that you love spending time with her, but there are a lot of household things that you need to be home to take care of, like bill paying, cleaning, little stuff we all need to take care of, and it's being neglected and you just need a little more time at home to take care of that stuff. She doesn't need to know exactly what it is as long as you're not cheating on her, a little white lie wouldn't be the worst thing in the world in this case. Be very clear about wanting to spend time with her, enjoying her company and caring for her as much as you ever did, but your life needs attention, promise to see her soon, the next day or the day after that, and make it special the first several times you see her after one of your "check out days," and for God's sake, DO NOT USE THE WORD "SPACE"!!! Hopefully she can deal with that. If not, then she may have some abandonment issues or something, and she's just going to have to deal with them. You do have the right to a little alone time, like we all do. Good luck to you.
That's so true. When we women hear the word "space," we think the guy wants out. It's one of the most dreaded words we don't look forward to ever hearing from a man. So she might be indeed misinterpreting it. If you phrase it like Nini suggested, your girlfriend might be able to have a more positive attitude to it and won't view it as threatening. Good luck.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:55 AM   #13
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Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
That maybe the problem right there. You wonder about being a bachelor forever and you said shes 31. Shes probably looking for a husband, a father of her kids, etc. She probably has never wondered if she would be better off as a bachelorette forever. I don't know much about your relationship other than your post, but maybe she is ready for the next step and you telling her you need space triggers her insecurities that you may never want to settle down with her? If she gets that vibe from you, as I did, then maybe thats where this whole problem stems from.
Wow, you might be really on to something! And I bet the thought of staying "a bachelorette forever" has never crossed this woman's mind (maybe in her nightmares only! lol).

To the poster: are you thinking of breaking up with her because you think you'd rather be a confirmed bachelor, or because she doesn't give you enough time by yourself? Suppose she gave you as much time alone as you need, would you be satisfied then, or would you still think about staying a bachelor forever? Maybe you're just getting a case of cold feet? HOw long have you been together?

 
Old 06-08-2004, 12:11 PM   #14
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: How much time together?

Hey All , I'm back inside from the Pool - Hot Day today!

Ok, as I'm reading this post and being a Woman - I have to add my two cents.

Frist, I too agree with the phrase - Needing Space and Ninispjc said it nicely....What is wrong with alittle space to ourselves - I can not stand a Needy woman or man just because you want to veg out at your own place and just do your thing WHATEVER it is without explaining yourself!

I'm a woman and I need MY space to be just me. I can not see someone 7 days a week, even 5 days a week is too much for me......and THIS is when I was dating my boyfriend before moving in together - He too agree with me.
I needed my Time for ME - there is NOTHING wrong with it and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about it or have to go onto a dragged out explaintation on WHY you need your time to yourself. My boyfriend and I give each other "space" he has his nights doing whatever he chooses, playng pool, shooting hoops, couching it, riding his bike and I have my nights too. WE don't have a set schedule of what nights are Ours - we ask each other with we have any plans for the evening and if neither one of us have commitments...WE give each other space that is needed.

SO the word scares "woman" off, then tell her everyone needs their time to themselves and if that is not a good enough answer, then she has not life of her own but only you....ANd that is Sad.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 12:12 PM   #15
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eightball61 HB User
Re: How much time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guy133
Thanks for the ideas. I'm 32 and have spent most of my life being single. Sometimes I really wonder if I would be better off staying a bachelor forever.

Although my girlfriend is a great person, there have been a few red flags. Maybe I need to stop being a wimp and just break up. The idea of breaking up with her hurts quite a bit, but maybe it would be for the best.
You don't want to break up with her over this. This is a disagreement and these can get worked out. Don't take the easy route out unless you have no other way. That would consist her her being very controlling and always fighting.

You say she is a great person and keep it as that. You are 32 and met someone that you thing is great enough to be a GF. Every relationship has its kinks and bumps in the road. Don't give up yet.

Last edited by eightball61; 06-09-2004 at 06:24 AM.

 
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