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Old 06-08-2004, 10:45 AM   #1
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bellestar HB User
Advice please. I need help and opinions

Hello. I am 27 years old, have been married for going on 3 years and have a wonderful 10 month old.

I am not happy. I am in a job that I can not stand, live in a State I am not happy in and am not sure I still love my HB. All my family live in a different state (about 8 hours away from me). I have been unhappy with that for several years but have always given in to my HB and stayed here b/c all of his family are here. I don't want to have to work but we can not afford for me to stay home with our daughter so we have to ship her off to day care everyday and i HATE that! I feel like I am missing out on her life and she is growing up so fast! I am just so unhappy. I use to love my HB but now i have doubts. i don't know if I truly fell out of love with him or if it is the resentment becuase he will not move closer to my family that is making me hate him. I said we didn't even have to move all the way there. We could go 1/2 way between there and here so we could make thetrip either way, (to see his family or mine) in one day. I felt that was fair. I just feel like I am the one whom is always giving and he is not willing to try it. He agreed that he would look for a new job so that I could stay home with our daughter then i would able to visit my family anytime I wanted and then we not have to move. I felt that was a solution also but he is not doing it! I know that trying to find a new job that would cover both of salaries is tough and i also know, it will never happen because he does not really want to leave his current job. I make more than he does and i suggested he stay home with our daughter and quit his job but he was NOT hearing that. I don't think that would make me happy either though. I need to be able to be with my family and have my daughter with me. What do i do? Do I tell him I am tired of being unhappy and I am moving and he can come if he wants or do I continue to suck it up and deal with it? please, any advice??!!! Help!
Thank you and sorry so long!
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Old 06-08-2004, 11:14 AM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellestar
He agreed that he would look for a new job so that I could stay home with our daughter then i would able to visit my family anytime I wanted and then we not have to :

If he got a new job to cover both salaried you would never see him because he will be working all these crazy hours.

Why did you all move in the first place? Did you do it because he wanted to be closer to his family?

I think moveing halfway between both familys would be equal and good. Telling from the post you husband is all about me, me, me rather than we, we,we. If so that why you are not happy. HAve you gone to a counselor or talk to someone.

Maybe the best thing would be for you to go live you parents for a few months to sort thing out?

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:20 AM   #3
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Unhappy Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Hi Jeff and Thank you for the reply. My family and I all lived here but the my Father got a promotion and that moved them about 9 years ago. I have asked my HB if he would go to marriage counseling with me becuase we were constantly fighting and with a little one in the house that is not good and I don't think she needs to be around that but he said no that he didn't want to. I though about going by myself but for some reason I never went. This whole situation is just sucking what little happiness I have right out of me. I don't think I want to leave him but totally HATE him for this situation even though I know it is me too and not just him. I am at the end of my rope though. THank you!
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Old 06-08-2004, 11:35 AM   #4
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Red Velvet HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

I am wondering if your husband is taking your situation seriously enough. You say he SAYS he is willing to move, find another job, etc., but as you pointed out, he is not DOING anything to make that happen. Have you really sat down, looked into his eyes, and told him all these things? Sometimes it is easy to fight about little things than to confront the issue. If he is not willing to go to marriage counselling, how about going yourself to individual counselling? I would also make plans to go visit your folks as soon as possible. Having that visit will help clear your mind, and perhaps your family will have ideas on how you can move, and of course, there is the support. But it is clear that you do not want to wait for him to turn talk into action--you don't want to live like you are anymore. You can't force him to do things, but if YOU yourself take action (perhaps that family visit, counselling) it may make him realize how serious you are about this.

Hope this helps.

RV

 
Old 06-08-2004, 11:37 AM   #5
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Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Did you and your husband ever talk about where you would live and if you would stay home with the children before you got married? I guess you have to weigh your options. If you leave your husband, you still have to work and put your daughter in day care because you will be the sole provider (other than child support, which is not enough to be a stay at home mom). Would you be happier living near your family and without your husband? If yes, then your daughter's Dad will be 8 hours away. Since your husband refuses counseling that does not mean that you can't go. You have alot of things to figure out and a counselor would be able to help you find a solution you are comfortable with. Good luck.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 12:05 PM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellestar
Hi Jeff and Thank you for the reply. My family and I all lived here but the my Father got a promotion and that moved them about 9 years ago. I have asked my HB if he would go to marriage counseling with me becuase we were constantly fighting and with a little one in the house that is not good and I don't think she needs to be around that but he said no that he didn't want to. I though about going by myself but for some reason I never went. This whole situation is just sucking what little happiness I have right out of me. I don't think I want to leave him but totally HATE him for this situation even though I know it is me too and not just him. I am at the end of my rope though. THank you!

Ok so you didn't move because of him. You r family left because of your dad promotion. got it

He is not being fair though. You ask him to do the couseling and he refused. Its not like you were trying to save to save things. Yo may want to go to counseling yourself but I don't know how well thats going to work if he is not even caring to save things.

I am not saying to break apart from him but try to have a better communication method so he understands you. If thats to hard then try a seperation to sort your mind out but if that doesn't work well...

 
Old 06-08-2004, 12:17 PM   #7
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Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

A separation?? Come on, I think that's a bit too drastic of a solution. It's like amputating the entire leg just because you got a toenail infection. I think the poster is feeling overwhelmed at the moment, which is understandable. It must be so stressful to have to work and take care of a small child, and do it all alone, away from your family. But, realistically, leaving your husband would not solve anything, only create more problems, I think. Like Elatedgiraffe pointed out, if you leave your husband and move closer to your family, then your daughter will be taken away from her father, and you will be a single mom having to work even harder than now, with LESS time for your daughter. How's that going to help? I think you should try to talk to your husband again and explain to him that you'd like to be able to raise your child yourself, at least for a while, because that's really the best care she could get. If you put it this way, that you want this because you don't think daycare is better for your daughter than being raised by her mom, perhaps your husband will be more motivated to look for a better paying job. But it might not be doable with the economy right now. So many people don't even have jobs, or are laid off for long periods of time. What about some kind of a compromise? Could you work only part-time and spend the rest of the time with your daughter? As for the family thing, I understand you want to be close to them, but when you get married, the spouse should come first. A friend of mine left her parents and sister in another country--talk about being far away, and she misses them, but she loves her husband more than anyone else. To be honest, I'd rather be married to the guy I love and far away from my family, than single and with my family. Birth family cannot substitute for the lack of spouse. Just my opinion.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:06 PM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

I ain't requesting a seperation but brought it up as an example if all other attempts fail.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:21 PM   #9
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bellestar HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Thank you all so much! I guess I better find a counselor and I WILL go and if he doesn't want to then ok. I did recently go and visit my parents but he was with me. I had a wonderful time and he just sat in the house. If I was to move, my Mother would watch my daughter (I have discussed this with her and she said she would no problem) while I worked and I know that it would not be like we were on vacation. I don't think I want to lose him I just want him to understand that I am tired of being unhappy and we need to find a solution. Thank you all so much for your opinions and help. I at least have a direction to go and it is to see a counselro and maybe he/she can help me figure what I truly want. I would hate to think that I leave my HB, move then realize I am not happy there either (although I think I would be happier there than here) plus my DD would be without her Daddy and he is a good Dad to her. I am going to have to make an appt with a counselor. THANK YOU!
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Remember to always make time to run in the rain!

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:25 PM   #10
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bellestar HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

SophiaM - As for the family thing, I understand you want to be close to them, but when you get married, the spouse should come first.

Sophia, I just feel that I have been putting him first for 9 years. We have only been married for going on 3 years but have been together for 10. I just want a little compromise. We talked about me working part-time in the evenings that way he could watch our daughter after work then i could go to work. he FIRMLY said NO! I am stuck! I am very stressed and confused. Thank you all!
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Remember to always make time to run in the rain!

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:30 PM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellestar
Thank you all so much! I guess I better find a counselor and I WILL go and if he doesn't want to then ok. I did recently go and visit my parents but he was with me. I had a wonderful time and he just sat in the house. If I was to move, my Mother would watch my daughter (I have discussed this with her and she said she would no problem) while I worked and I know that it would not be like we were on vacation. I don't think I want to lose him I just want him to understand that I am tired of being unhappy and we need to find a solution. Thank you all so much for your opinions and help. I at least have a direction to go and it is to see a counselro and maybe he/she can help me figure what I truly want. I would hate to think that I leave my HB, move then realize I am not happy there either (although I think I would be happier there than here) plus my DD would be without her Daddy and he is a good Dad to her. I am going to have to make an appt with a counselor. THANK YOU!

You are happy with everything but try everything before you bail. You tried here and got our advice & now go see a couselor....See where that leads you.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:30 PM   #12
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I read, the marriage itself is not bad. The problems seem to be external in nature:

1. the wife would like to be a stay-at-home mom and now she feels like she's missing out on raising her daughter because she has to work.

2. she misses her family who had to move away because of her father's promotion

Short of winning the lottery or finding a new, rich husband, the first problem might not be entirely solvable. She might be able to find a half-way solution, though, like working part-time or working from her home.

The second problem might not be solvable for the time being either. Moving to a different state is a big decision and it's not so easy to move an entire household. Besides, the husband seems to like where they live now. But if she can somehow persuade him that a change of residence is crucial to her happiness and he is willing to look for a job elsewhere, then it might work.

So, is that all, or is it the marriage itself that's making you unhappy? Do you have any good friends where you live now? I think that would make a difference.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:30 PM   #13
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Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

I so sense you are overwhelmed with everything going on in your life.

You mentioned your daughter is 10 months old, this is all new to you now.
Working full time and raising your daughter, you are still adjusting to being a full time mother along with working full time. You could be still experiencing the baby blues.

You hate working and are missing out on your daughter growing up.
You hate your job because you need two incomes in order to make ends meet in raising your daughter w/your husband.
You miss your family.
You live in a different state.
SO the last resort is to hold resentment towards your husband and blame him for all the hate your feeling and turning the love of your husband to hate.

Sit down, take a deep breath and write down all your feelings to yourself - no holding back. Shed a tear if you have to. Then tomorrow or the next day Read what you wrote.
What realistic changes can you make? What will make you happy? Make a list 1 to 10.

Is there any chance your family/mom can come out and visit with you?
What about your husbandís family do they help you out or visit with you?

TRUST me, you donít want to be a single mother, working full time and raising your daughter no matter what state you live in. You think you have it hard now, you havenít seen anything yet.

You put off seeing a counselor as you mentioned, if your husband doesnít want to go fine. Get yourself there Ė see someone, bring the baby with you so you donít lose time with her. Having a new baby and working full time takes a toll on your well being and youíre turning all youíre angry or hurt towards your husband. You can make it work if you just accept what you canít change and change what you can.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:34 PM   #14
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellestar
SophiaM - As for the family thing, I understand you want to be close to them, but when you get married, the spouse should come first.

Sophia, I just feel that I have been putting him first for 9 years. We have only been married for going on 3 years but have been together for 10. I just want a little compromise. We talked about me working part-time in the evenings that way he could watch our daughter after work then i could go to work. he FIRMLY said NO! I am stuck! I am very stressed and confused. Thank you all!
Oh sorry, I didn't see this post. Working in the evening part time sounds like a great idea! Did he give you any reasons why he's so opposed to it?

 
Old 06-08-2004, 02:43 PM   #15
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Red Velvet HB User
Re: Advice please. I need help and opinions

GirlHarley has a great idea! Is there any way your mom could come out for a period of time to help with the baby until you get back on your feet? I also agree with her idea that the stress and resentment is manifesting itself within the marriage. From your posts, bellestar, I think that you are still in love with your husband and want to stay in the marriage...it is the work and family issue that is tearing you apart. You think about how important it is for the baby to be around Dad...don't you want to be around him too????? Although it may be hard to recognize right now, you also have to think about how you relate to your spouse...if you still love him, then you owe it to yourself and him to communicate...and KEEP communicating the problem until something is done about it. Some people need to be told upteenth number of times so that they LISTEN, and not just HEAR what you are saying. Keep communicating, and doing something about it (like that counselor) so that you show him how important these issues really are to you.

 
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