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Old 06-09-2004, 07:04 AM   #1
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Question His Money ??????

Hi I am back with yet another problem This is my situation for those of you that dont already know...I have been with my partner for just over 3 yrs and have an 8 month old daughter and am expecting again......Anyway in our earlier wild days of the relationship we use to go out partying a lot and blowing heaps of money etc......Obviously since having my daughter my priorities (sp) have changed.....I know longer go out and am very careful with the money....He on the other hand has always been quite irresponsible with money.....Anyway to cut a long story short I have had his atm card pretty much since our daughter was born...This wasnt because I demanded it, but it was just more convenient as I was the one that use to get the pay out of the bank each week.......He has made it clear all along that he does not like this set up AT ALL.....and to be honest I dont totally feel comfortable with it, he is the one that goes out to work......What is upsetting me though is he is constantly throwing it in my face that it is HIS MONEY.....I AM THE ONE THAT GOES OUT AND EARNS IT AND ITS MY ATM CARD !!!!!! As far as I am concerned while he is in a relationship with me and I am producing his children it is OUR money !!!! I understand him being upset about not really having control of the money, but like I said I am terrified he will be irresponsible and my daughter will go without Dont get me wrong he goes without NOTHING......Every payday he has a case of beer put in the fridge, money handed over so he can go to the bar every Friday night for a few hours and whatever else he may need through the week he justs askes me to pick up for him and 99% of the time I do unless its something way too expensive ! I am so confused and upset about what to do.....On the one hand I am really upset about the constant ITS HIS MONEY lark........To me if your in a relationship living together (wether your married or not) then you combine everything.....Keep in mind this is MY home we are living in, which I never ever throw in his face To me whats mine is his if you know what I mean....Anyway I am looking for some objective advice PLEASE !
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Old 06-09-2004, 07:19 AM   #2
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SophiaM HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Well, of course it should be your combined money. You're like a wife without the official paper and you're bringing up HIS children! But since he does hand the money over to you, I think his little protests are his way to remind you how much he's doing for you. It's pretty immature, I must say. And annoying, to say the least. Have you pointed out to him what you have pointed out to us: that you're the mother of his children and you're NOT sitting home on your bum doing nothing, you are working hard raising his offspring! Maybe try saying it nicely first, like "Honey, I appreciate you working so hard to support OUR family, and since we are a family, it would make me feel much better if you did not make the division between "your money" and "my money." Being in a family is sharing, and it seems like he wants to emphasize his individuality.

Another thing...I really do think that being officially married makes a difference in the "money" issue. My ex fiance and I were together for four years, and lived together, yet we never had a joint checking account and basically we were splitting most of the expenses in half, even though I was a college student then and completely broke and he was much older and had a full time job. I might be wrong and your partner might just be that kind of a man who would shout "MY MONEY!" in your face even if you were his wife..I don't know him after all. In any case, it's good at least that he's just saying this but still gives you the money. Worse comes to worse, you can just "understandingly" nod your head and ignore what he says.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:10 AM   #3
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hillaryb HB User
Re: His Money ??????

My husband was doing that to me, too, and it really hurt. Im raising his baby, staying home with her,(but now looking for a job) and taking care of EVERYTHING so that he doesnt have to worry while he is working insane hours and is gone for weeks at a time. One time he got really mad and actually called me a leech! Needless to say, he has since apologized. What has helped is to consult with him on all spending. I was in charge of groceries but just kind of bought what we needed and didnt bother telling him about it. Now, before he leaves town,we plan together what I may need for the week and buy shopping cards with specific amounts to budget, and he doesnt feel so left out. I was mad at him for a while, so I had to really suck it up to be this compromising, but I find he feels better and doesnt say such inappropriate and mean things now lol. And, he is more generous as to paying for what we need. But no, it isnt HIS money, it is money used to run a household that you are a big part of,and money to feed his kids. I still want to return to work, because saying that really made me feel inadequate, and I need to make some money for me. i had to compromise to get him to quit that crap, but I still think it is totally wrong for a man to say that to the mother of his kids. I will give him credit and say it probably has to do with stress over financial issues, his place in your life, etc.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:45 AM   #4
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PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Have you ever thought of giving him the ATM card, and money and then charging him for serving him supper, sex, baby sitting his children???? I know one who has done just that. He's living in her house, she's charging him 200.00 a month rent. He gets to buy what he wants to eat and she fixes it for 50.00 a week. LOL I know its weird, but she has him paying it. After all, he's living in your house? Yes they do go out and work and bring home the bacon...its a control issue. However, if he is responsible enough with money, I say honey bring the receipts so I can keep up with what I can spend at the grocery store and *smile* I stayed at home for a yr between jobs, and I can honestly say I hated having to ask for money. I have supported myself from a young age, and I depised this is a relationship. We have separate finances and I work. I like it this way. But in between my long periods of paydays---I'm mooooching sometimes a dollar here or there, and thats all good, I just want my own freedom without their control over what I can or can not spend or have in my wallet of their money. I know you can't work with little ones, been there done that, and its hard under those circumstances. But sit and talk to him and slide him the card when you set your boundaries of expenses and household responsibilities.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:45 AM   #5
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fredrolin HB User
Re: His Money ??????

during the first several years of our marriage, my wife and I had seperate accounts and tried to split up the bills. If never worked.

We now have one account and we never argue about money. Bills and important things come first, leisure spending must be budgeted.

If a case of beer is more important than his child having a pair of shoes, he is a selfish idiot.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:25 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: His Money ??????

My mom does the same thing with my father. She gets a case of beer and gives him 25.00 a week to spend for himself. Sometimes he complains about it but not that much. You husband is getting more by being able to go ou to the bar every friday night. I don't see any wrong doing on your end. You are still giving him money to go out and have fun with friend.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:39 AM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
My mom does the same thing with my father. She gets a case of beer and gives him 25.00 a week to spend for himself. Sometimes he complains about it but not that much. You husband is getting more by being able to go ou to the bar every friday night. I don't see any wrong doing on your end. You are still giving him money to go out and have fun with friend.
That is a great idea--just sedate'em with beer! You'll be happy, they'll be happy. It's a win-win situation. Must remember this one if I ever get married

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:44 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
That is a great idea--just sedate'em with beer! You'll be happy, they'll be happy. It's a win-win situation. Must remember this one if I ever get married

You can keep a child tamed with candy; you can keep a man tamed with a case of beer.

Hey my wife can take my paycheck and pay the bills. All I ask for is a little spending like 35.00 and a case of beer then I will ask for nothing more unless a holiday was coming around.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:56 AM   #9
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Everyone here may agrue against me , I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:57 AM   #10
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SophiaM HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
You can keep a child tamed with candy; you can keep a man tamed with a case of beer.

Hey my wife can take my paycheck and pay the bills. All I ask for is a little spending like 35.00 and a case of beer then I will ask for nothing more unless a holiday was coming around.
Jeff, you really ARE easy to please!

 
Old 06-09-2004, 10:00 AM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Jeff, you really ARE easy to please!

No, there are something people have to work for

 
Old 06-09-2004, 10:03 AM   #12
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Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up.
I agree with this 100%. I think women really cheat themselves out of a lot when they agree to have children with a man who is not committed enough to marry them. One would not buy a house and invest in it without signing the legal documents first which outline the owner's rights and responsibilities, but so many women are willing to take this big risk without thinking twice when it comes to their personal lives. Salinas, please help me here.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 10:11 AM   #13
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eightball61 HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
Everyone here may agrue against me , I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light.
I agree with your views

 
Old 06-09-2004, 10:17 AM   #14
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Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
Everyone here may agrue against me , I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light.


I have to agree with this whole heartedly. I know you dont want to hear that but it is true.
My husband's uncle lived with his gf from the day that graduated high school until this past year. They never had kids together. They had seperate accounts and split the bills and such. Well early last year his gf lost her job(the company shut down) and she lost her insurance and her income. Well next thing they know she got incredibly sick. He stepped up and paid her hospital bills and such. Then he decided that since this was going to be a long term illness that he would marry her so he could add her to his insurance and she would have coverage. They only went to the courthouse and made the common law marriage legal. A lot of states have common law marriages in which if a couple lives together for a set number of years that are in a sense married just without the paper. Anyway my point is all that time they werent married he had his money and she had her money. Now they have their money and he admits it is their money since they are married.
Just because you are having/raising his kids doesnt make his money yours.

Though I do like the one idea that was suggested on making him pay rent and such. Though I wouldnt have him pay for sex,that would give him something to use against you both emotionally and even legally. The house is yours so asking him to pay rent,pay for his grocies,clothes cleaned,babysitting for him on the nights he goes out and so on. That might get him to see that being responsible isnt such a bad thing.
But you have to remember that since you arent married and he is working while you stay home the money is his.
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Old 06-09-2004, 10:22 AM   #15
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: His Money ??????

Okay, just one more practical reason that living together and making babies is such a ridiculous thing to do. The list of why it is a breeding ground for many problems would fill a page.

Like it or not, the social laws, explicit and implicit, exist for many reasons. Not simply to have rule over peoples lives, but to help foster order out of chaos, protect children and women, and to legitimize reasonable basic expectations and roles.

When you go outside of the bounds of social norm, you will suffer some measure of consequences. Not because anyone particularly wants it that way, but simply because that is the way it is. Not just in western cultures, but in all cultures.

Following the established rules of cultural and social norms brings some level of protection. Operate outside of those norms and you are often whining to the jury.

How about getting married now so there is a legal stand upon which to fall if necessary. Why would you subject yourself to the dependency of a man that you have no legal ties to?

 
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