Hi I am back with yet another problem This is my situation for those of you that dont already know...I have been with my partner for just over 3 yrs and have an 8 month old daughter and am expecting again......Anyway in our earlier wild days of the relationship we use to go out partying a lot and blowing heaps of money etc......Obviously since having my daughter my priorities (sp) have changed.....I know longer go out and am very careful with the money....He on the other hand has always been quite irresponsible with money.....Anyway to cut a long story short I have had his atm card pretty much since our daughter was born...This wasnt because I demanded it, but it was just more convenient as I was the one that use to get the pay out of the bank each week.......He has made it clear all along that he does not like this set up AT ALL.....and to be honest I dont totally feel comfortable with it, he is the one that goes out to work......What is upsetting me though is he is constantly throwing it in my face that it is HIS MONEY.....I AM THE ONE THAT GOES OUT AND EARNS IT AND ITS MY ATM CARD !!!!!! As far as I am concerned while he is in a relationship with me and I am producing his children it is OUR money !!!! I understand him being upset about not really having control of the money, but like I said I am terrified he will be irresponsible and my daughter will go without Dont get me wrong he goes without NOTHING......Every payday he has a case of beer put in the fridge, money handed over so he can go to the bar every Friday night for a few hours and whatever else he may need through the week he justs askes me to pick up for him and 99% of the time I do unless its something way too expensive ! I am so confused and upset about what to do.....On the one hand I am really upset about the constant ITS HIS MONEY lark........To me if your in a relationship living together (wether your married or not) then you combine everything.....Keep in mind this is MY home we are living in, which I never ever throw in his face To me whats mine is his if you know what I mean....Anyway I am looking for some objective advice PLEASE !
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
Well, of course it should be your combined money. You're like a wife without the official paper and you're bringing up HIS children! But since he does hand the money over to you, I think his little protests are his way to remind you how much he's doing for you. It's pretty immature, I must say. And annoying, to say the least. Have you pointed out to him what you have pointed out to us: that you're the mother of his children and you're NOT sitting home on your bum doing nothing, you are working hard raising his offspring! Maybe try saying it nicely first, like "Honey, I appreciate you working so hard to support OUR family, and since we are a family, it would make me feel much better if you did not make the division between "your money" and "my money." Being in a family is sharing, and it seems like he wants to emphasize his individuality.
Another thing...I really do think that being officially married makes a difference in the "money" issue. My ex fiance and I were together for four years, and lived together, yet we never had a joint checking account and basically we were splitting most of the expenses in half, even though I was a college student then and completely broke and he was much older and had a full time job. I might be wrong and your partner might just be that kind of a man who would shout "MY MONEY!" in your face even if you were his wife..I don't know him after all. In any case, it's good at least that he's just saying this but still gives you the money. Worse comes to worse, you can just "understandingly" nod your head and ignore what he says.
My husband was doing that to me, too, and it really hurt. Im raising his baby, staying home with her,(but now looking for a job) and taking care of EVERYTHING so that he doesnt have to worry while he is working insane hours and is gone for weeks at a time. One time he got really mad and actually called me a leech! Needless to say, he has since apologized. What has helped is to consult with him on all spending. I was in charge of groceries but just kind of bought what we needed and didnt bother telling him about it. Now, before he leaves town,we plan together what I may need for the week and buy shopping cards with specific amounts to budget, and he doesnt feel so left out. I was mad at him for a while, so I had to really suck it up to be this compromising, but I find he feels better and doesnt say such inappropriate and mean things now lol. And, he is more generous as to paying for what we need. But no, it isnt HIS money, it is money used to run a household that you are a big part of,and money to feed his kids. I still want to return to work, because saying that really made me feel inadequate, and I need to make some money for me. i had to compromise to get him to quit that crap, but I still think it is totally wrong for a man to say that to the mother of his kids. I will give him credit and say it probably has to do with stress over financial issues, his place in your life, etc.
Have you ever thought of giving him the ATM card, and money and then charging him for serving him supper, sex, baby sitting his children???? I know one who has done just that. He's living in her house, she's charging him 200.00 a month rent. He gets to buy what he wants to eat and she fixes it for 50.00 a week. LOL I know its weird, but she has him paying it. After all, he's living in your house? Yes they do go out and work and bring home the bacon...its a control issue. However, if he is responsible enough with money, I say honey bring the receipts so I can keep up with what I can spend at the grocery store and *smile* I stayed at home for a yr between jobs, and I can honestly say I hated having to ask for money. I have supported myself from a young age, and I depised this is a relationship. We have separate finances and I work. I like it this way. But in between my long periods of paydays---I'm mooooching sometimes a dollar here or there, and thats all good, I just want my own freedom without their control over what I can or can not spend or have in my wallet of their money. I know you can't work with little ones, been there done that, and its hard under those circumstances. But sit and talk to him and slide him the card when you set your boundaries of expenses and household responsibilities.
My mom does the same thing with my father. She gets a case of beer and gives him 25.00 a week to spend for himself. Sometimes he complains about it but not that much. You husband is getting more by being able to go ou to the bar every friday night. I don't see any wrong doing on your end. You are still giving him money to go out and have fun with friend.
My mom does the same thing with my father. She gets a case of beer and gives him 25.00 a week to spend for himself. Sometimes he complains about it but not that much. You husband is getting more by being able to go ou to the bar every friday night. I don't see any wrong doing on your end. You are still giving him money to go out and have fun with friend.
That is a great idea--just sedate'em with beer! You'll be happy, they'll be happy. It's a win-win situation. Must remember this one if I ever get married
That is a great idea--just sedate'em with beer! You'll be happy, they'll be happy. It's a win-win situation. Must remember this one if I ever get married
You can keep a child tamed with candy; you can keep a man tamed with a case of beer.
Hey my wife can take my paycheck and pay the bills. All I ask for is a little spending like 35.00 and a case of beer then I will ask for nothing more unless a holiday was coming around.
Everyone here may agrue against me , I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light.
You can keep a child tamed with candy; you can keep a man tamed with a case of beer.
Hey my wife can take my paycheck and pay the bills. All I ask for is a little spending like 35.00 and a case of beer then I will ask for nothing more unless a holiday was coming around.
Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up.
I agree with this 100%. I think women really cheat themselves out of a lot when they agree to have children with a man who is not committed enough to marry them. One would not buy a house and invest in it without signing the legal documents first which outline the owner's rights and responsibilities, but so many women are willing to take this big risk without thinking twice when it comes to their personal lives. Salinas, please help me here.
Everyone here may agrue against me , I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light.
Everyone here may agrue against me , I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light.
I have to agree with this whole heartedly. I know you dont want to hear that but it is true.
My husband's uncle lived with his gf from the day that graduated high school until this past year. They never had kids together. They had seperate accounts and split the bills and such. Well early last year his gf lost her job(the company shut down) and she lost her insurance and her income. Well next thing they know she got incredibly sick. He stepped up and paid her hospital bills and such. Then he decided that since this was going to be a long term illness that he would marry her so he could add her to his insurance and she would have coverage. They only went to the courthouse and made the common law marriage legal. A lot of states have common law marriages in which if a couple lives together for a set number of years that are in a sense married just without the paper. Anyway my point is all that time they werent married he had his money and she had her money. Now they have their money and he admits it is their money since they are married.
Just because you are having/raising his kids doesnt make his money yours.
Though I do like the one idea that was suggested on making him pay rent and such. Though I wouldnt have him pay for sex,that would give him something to use against you both emotionally and even legally. The house is yours so asking him to pay rent,pay for his grocies,clothes cleaned,babysitting for him on the nights he goes out and so on. That might get him to see that being responsible isnt such a bad thing.
But you have to remember that since you arent married and he is working while you stay home the money is his.
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Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
Okay, just one more practical reason that living together and making babies is such a ridiculous thing to do. The list of why it is a breeding ground for many problems would fill a page.
Like it or not, the social laws, explicit and implicit, exist for many reasons. Not simply to have rule over peoples lives, but to help foster order out of chaos, protect children and women, and to legitimize reasonable basic expectations and roles.
When you go outside of the bounds of social norm, you will suffer some measure of consequences. Not because anyone particularly wants it that way, but simply because that is the way it is. Not just in western cultures, but in all cultures.
Following the established rules of cultural and social norms brings some level of protection. Operate outside of those norms and you are often whining to the jury.
How about getting married now so there is a legal stand upon which to fall if necessary. Why would you subject yourself to the dependency of a man that you have no legal ties to?
Okay, just one more practical reason that living together and making babies is such a ridiculous thing to do. The list of why it is a breeding ground for many problems would fill a page.
Like it or not, the social laws, explicit and implicit, exist for many reasons. Not simply to have rule over peoples lives, but to help foster order out of chaos, protect children and women, and to legitimize reasonable basic expectations and roles.
When you go outside of the bounds of social norm, you will suffer some measure of consequences. Not because anyone particularly wants it that way, but simply because that is the way it is. Not just in western cultures, but in all cultures.
Following the established rules of cultural and social norms brings some level of protection. Operate outside of those norms and you are often whining to the jury.
How about getting married now so there is a legal stand upon which to fall if necessary. Why would you subject yourself to the dependency of a man that you have no legal ties to?
THANK YOU! This is what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better. as usual.
Also, what gives you the right to think your live in boyfriend's money is Your money? You chose the life you wanted to live, having a baby out of wedlock if there is any money to be shared it is not for you but for your baby.
If you don't like it - either Marry the guy or leave him and collect child support for your daughter.
Did you discuss this BEFORE you got pregnant? That you would be a stay at home mom and he would support you? Then why haven't you gotten married?
Then he would be your husband and you would be entited to his income to pay for your lifestyle of being a stay at home mom. If you need money -
1, you should have thought about that before you had a child or 2.Get a Job like millions of woman do today to support their children.
I live with my boyfriend, we own a house together, I don't except HIM to support me - as I don't expect to support HIM. I have my money, he has his money, and we have OUR money - I live within my means - I am not rich or poor. AND when I do get married - I will continue to work to support myself because that is how I was raised. I also have a SON - I support him along with my exhusband, I don't bleed my exhusband out of more money then is needed or instructed by the courts, because I also want my exhusband to have a good life with a good home to provide for our son then same as I do.
Hi again, in regards to the marriage thing, personally if I had my way we would be married...He is about 10 yrs older than me and was married before and had a child to her...He is one of these once bitten twice shy kinda guys....In regards to money I DO have my own income...I dont bring as much into the house as him, but probably just over half of what he does !!!!! Also the first 8 months we were together I was supporting his *** while he didnt have a job.......He didnt mind the money being combined then !! So in my head HE is the one that set the lets share thing ! So now that I have his child and about to be children I think it is OUR money.....Its not my fault that he wont get married and over here in Australia once you have been living together for over 6 months you have the same rights legally as if you were married.....So that is why I have never really pushed the marriage issue !!!! But I guess when we get to the heart of the matter what some of you have said IS TRUE ! If all of a sudden he wants it to be his money then he should move somewhere else , which I have told him ! If Im not good enough to marry and he expects me to do EVERYTHING a wife does , but he isnt prepared to share HIS money then he should **** off !!! Anyway he has his precious atm card back now I threw it at him 2 nights ago.....But I will also be making it very very clear if he stuffs once he is out the door !!!!!!!! The main issue with me isnt him having control of the money, like I have already mentioned I would gladly hand over the reigns of the house to him as in paying the bills etc, but the crunch of the matter is when he goes out to the bar he doesnt know when to STOP ! That is why he has been restricted in how much money he takes, he is given plenty to stay there like 4 to 5 hours ( which I think is plenty of time to get a skin full ) then its time to come home.....But he has proven when he goes there with more he wipes himself out and rolls in the door like 8 hours later ! Another time much earlier in our relationship he didnt come home for 2 days !!!!! I love this man and he is a good hard worker and provider, but when he gets out at the bar he just loses control !!! So I hope this has given you all a little more understanding of the situation and why I have taken control so to speak.....When it comes to the heart of the matter I get very upset as I would love to be with someone who is a lot more responsible, especially considering the man is almost 46 yrs old ! I dont think thats a lot to ask !
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
Hun, he sounds like an alcoholic. Dont think id have any more babies with him. No offense but Id find it a huge insult to be pregnant by a man who wont commit. And I dont really buy the "he was burned" scenario. I was burned, so was my hubby but it didnt stand in the way of our marriage. Had he not committed, we would not have kids, and I would have moved on. that is for sure. And, as usual, I learned this one the hard way by spending 5 years as a single mom.
Also, I think it is a huge burden to have to be there to moderate a mate's spending, drinking whatever. If they canot control themselves, that is a scary situation.
His Money ?????? 
This is my situation for those of you that dont already know...I have been with my partner for just over 3 yrs and have an 8 month old daughter and am expecting again......Anyway in our earlier wild days of the relationship we use to go out partying a lot and blowing heaps of money etc......Obviously since having my daughter my priorities (sp) have changed.....I know longer go out and am very careful with the money....He on the other hand has always been quite irresponsible with money.....Anyway to cut a long story short I have had his atm card pretty much since our daughter was born...This wasnt because I demanded it, but it was just more convenient as I was the one that use to get the pay out of the bank each week.......He has made it clear all along that he does not like this set up AT ALL.....and to be honest I dont totally feel comfortable with it, he is the one that goes out to work......What is upsetting me though is he is constantly throwing it in my face that it is HIS MONEY.....I AM THE ONE THAT GOES OUT AND EARNS IT AND ITS MY ATM CARD !!!!!! As far as I am concerned while he is in a relationship with me and I am producing his children it is OUR money !!!! I understand him being upset about not really having control of the money, but like I said I am terrified he will be irresponsible and my daughter will go without 
, I think there is a big difference on the money issue when people live together versus being married. Marriage makes it "our money" and that is how it is looked upon in our society. If you two were married I would say he is being a jerk. Living together can have all sorts of rules that people make up for each relationship. There is alot more leeway when people live together. Living together in my opinion is roommates with benefits. I don't think one should share everything when living together because that causes HUGE problems when it is break up time. Who owns the T.V., or the new bedroom suite? Legally one has alot more back up by family, friends, and the law when there is a divorce, rather than a break up. I'm not against living together, but unless you have made the agreement with you partner before living together that he will support you and the kids and it is "our money" than you have no right to expect that cannot say its his money. I'm defending him completely, I think he should take care of his responsibilites as a father and your boyfriend, and it would be nice of him to treat as if you were his wife already. My opinion is that I don't think it is wrong of him to say it's his money, unless you two were married. Its not nice of him, but not wrong of him. Hope I shed some light. 
