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Old 06-09-2004, 08:39 AM   #1
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Azarae HB User
Question Is it worth it?

I've been seeing this guy for 6 months, we both have children & he has met mine(my girls are 9 & 11).

I now have to meet his kids, they are 4 & 6 and he lately has been talking about how spoiled they are & that they throw screaming fits if they don't get their way...then he gives in to shut them up!

My children are by no means perfect but I never have tolerated "brat" behavior from them, I am a single mother & I have to take care of them 24/7, I certainly don't want to live with snotty screaming kids.

I also have a small bird rescue in my home...he loves the birds, but the birds don't like small kids(my girls' know this & avoid them)...but spoiled little kids with abused large birds = missing fingers, mangled faces, etc...

I may be jumping the gun but I worry if it is even worth my time now, or the aggravation of screaming kids & me having no say in their fit throwing

Anybody have a take on this?

Thanks!
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I hold that, the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by man from the cruelty of man"
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Old 06-09-2004, 08:45 AM   #2
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csoar2004 HB User
Re: Is it worth it?

A gut reaction like this one is telling you something valuable. Listen to it.

 
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Old 06-09-2004, 09:05 AM   #3
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Re: Is it worth it?

Let me get this straight: so you're thinking about ending this relationship because of BIRDS? Interesting. I think you're getting ahead of yourself. It's only been six months and you haven't even met the children. How do you know if he even wants to have a future with you at this point? Are you enjoying the relationship? Is he a good guy? Do you get along with each other? If the answer to these question is "yes," why not continue the relationship and see what happens. Also, do his kids live with him? If they live with their mother and only visit with him, maybe it wouldn't be so much of a problem. Second, children are very good at sensing what they can get away with and with whom. If they see that they can't be brats around you because you don't tolerate it, they'll stop the screaming and tantrums. Finally, assuming your boyfriend is the one with the custody and this relationship does progress to a serious relationship such as marriage or living together, would you be willing to give up the man you love because of some BIRDS? And how large exactly are they--they're not vultures by any chance...I hope not. Do you keep them loose in your house? I find it a bit strange, forgive me please.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:10 AM   #4
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Is it worth it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azarae
I may be jumping the gun but I worry if it is even worth my time now, or the aggravation of screaming kids & me having no say in their fit throwing
Oh please, do not overlook what your rational mind it screaming at you. These are most definitely serious issues that you cannot overlook. These are the things that can cause very short second marriages. I am not advising any specific course of action other than to warn you not to allow yourself to just imagine that love or whatever will make this work out. It is bigger than that and you need to pursue this to a point of clarity.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:19 AM   #5
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Re: Is it worth it?

Sophia, I don't really think it is about birds. I sense it is more about a radically different perception of his kids and hers. This is huge, if based in reality. His kids will continue to interact with him in the way he has trained them, regardless of how they may react differently with her. Their close proximity in age to her own kids, especially if they were to end up living in the same house, could be very big.

I understand why it appears to be about the birds, but I think it goes much deeper than that. She can clear this up, if I have read into it incorrectly.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:33 AM   #6
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Re: Is it worth it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Sophia, I don't really think it is about birds. I sense it is more about a radically different perception of his kids and hers. This is huge, if based in reality. His kids will continue to interact with him in the way he has trained them, regardless of how they may react differently with her. Their close proximity in age to her own kids, especially if they were to end up living in the same house, could be very big.

I understand why it appears to be about the birds, but I think it goes much deeper than that. She can clear this up, if I have read into it incorrectly.
Well, yes, i understand it's bigger than the large birds. That's why I asked her all the questions about the kids' living arrangements and if the father is the one with the custody. The kids might be so spoiled because their parents feel so guilty about the divorce that they let the kids get away with murder. I've seen this before. But they might be good kids otherwise, just acting out and taking advantage of the situation because they CAN. If the kids don't live with the dad, then I think it wouldn't be such a huge problem. They can visit only in their father's house, and if the relationship progresses into marriage, well, I would just keep them away from the predatory fowl. Of course, I would only make these adjustments IF I thought the guy was worth the trouble and if I envisioned spending my life with him. Otherwise, you're right, why bother? But the truth is, assuming the poster is not 25 anymore, it might be hard to find a man without a ready-made family. So let's assume she finds someone else with well behaved children. Doesn't the child-bird interaction still remain a problem? I have to say that it is one of the most peculiar issues I've heard of, though.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:45 AM   #7
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Is it worth it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
So let's assume she finds someone else with well behaved children. Doesn't the child-bird interaction still remain a problem? I have to say that it is one of the most peculiar issues I've heard of, though.
Yes, even with very well behaved children there is some element of potential problem. She is doing bird rescue because she has developed a passion about it. As you note, she will have to weigh her need/desire/passion for this man and relationships in general against her existing needs and passions that could be intruded on by something new.

Just for the sake of argument, if I had, oh, a rescued mule that liked to bite kids, I'd have to decide if the mule was more valuable to me than the new kids that came with a new partner. Remember, now, a mule takes care of nuisance neighborhood dogs a lot better than a kid does, so it would be a tough decision. Big birds might be good for something similar.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:54 AM   #8
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Is it worth it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Just for the sake of argument, if I had, oh, a rescued mule that liked to bite kids, I'd have to decide if the mule was more valuable to me than the new kids that came with a new partner. Remember, now, a mule takes care of nuisance neighborhood dogs a lot better than a kid does, so it would be a tough decision. Big birds might be good for something similar.
Aaaah Salinas, you and your mules! Ha, ha. I'm curious what the poster has to say about this. What would be her ideal candidate for a relationship? We're talking IDEAL, one that she would have no doubts about. Would he be single with no children? Would he be an avid ornithologist? Maybe being involved with someone who shares her passion for rescuing birds would be the answer. But then again, nobody is perfect, so even if she managed to find a childless man with a passion for birds, he might have some other flaws, which could be major. One has to always weigh in the pros and cons of a particular situation. Tough decision indeed.

Last edited by SophiaM; 06-09-2004 at 09:55 AM.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 10:45 AM   #9
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CoreyP HB User
Re: Is it worth it?

I think she has to talk to her man, about how he feels children should be raised. I definitely think that in this area, two people have to completely agree on that. If they aren't on the same page here, the relationship won't work. That and money, if one person is frugal and the other doesn't worry much about saving, that won't work either. This is a big deal. I would either talk with him, or watch closely on how he raises them. I wouldn't want a relationship with a girl with spoiled kids either.

 
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