This is my first post and I've read some great advice so here goes! My bf and I have been together for 10 months, he broke up with his last gf of a year 6 months before we got together. Since the beginning she has called him at least once a week for stupid little things like reminding him to turn his clocks back etc. She's even written him letters telling him how much she still loves hims and is giving him the space he needs so she doesn't lose him. He has always been upfront about this, he has even let me listen to her messages and read her letters. It was annoying but I never let it bother me until about 2 months ago. First she has admitted to driving by his house and knocking on the door when I am there alone, she then calls him and screams at him because we are still together. Then last week he told me that she called him to make sure he was taking her to his friend's wedding!! When he said he wasn't he said she admitted to calling me at work and hanging up. He said she's been driving by his house almost every day so she knows when I'm there and when I'm not. Her plan was to call me to tell me she's been with him on the days I'm not there. I wondered why would she admit this to him if she's trying to get him back? A week later she called him 6 times in row because he would not answer his cellphone, he called her back but he talked to her outside the car for 25 minutes. He has never talked to her in front of me but I was upset that he left me sitting in the car while he had this conversation. He told me he changed his password on his computer so she called to find out why, apparently she's been hacking into his computer all this time. What bothers me is he doesn't get really mad at her, he said there is no point because she will keep calling anyway. I did catch him in a lie because I know his password and I can still log on with it. He has no idea I know it! I am now wondering if he is still seeing her??? There has been a handful of Friday nights where he suddenly has something to do all night. Am I reading way too much into this? Or do I have a good reason to be concerned? My gut tells me something just doesn't add up...any insight would be great as I am driving myself CRAZY!
Yes, you have to put your foot down now. She is disrespecting you by doing this, and your boyfriend is doing the same by letting it happen. If you found out he was cheating on you on these friday nights would you leave him? It sounds really bad.
It concerns me that he doesn't talk to her in front of you. I think if it were really over between them, any sane, rational guy with any backbone at all would be calling the police and getting a restraining order against her. I'd say even if he's not reciprocating her advances and attention, he still isn't doing anything at all to discourage her, which says that at the very least, he's very weak and spineless, and obviously doesn't care if this woman makes your life miserable. Does that really sound like someone you want to be involved with?
At first from the post I sould have said that this girl is crazy and is harassing. Which in that event I would talk to her about it then seek police action if she continued. You could get a restraining order to protect thing.
The situation is a little different now. There is that slight chance he may be seeing her. He lied to you once about the password and god knows what else. You should give him a scare and ask him why he didn't change it and maybe follow him on a Friday night or have a friend follow.
Its hard to tell what is going on because if he was still seeing her he would be smart enough to tell her to stop calling there so she doesn't ruin the secretness. Or again she could be doing it because he is promising her that he will leave and isn't. He can't have it both ways. Best bet is maybe to have someone follow him but call him on the password so he know that you are on to him.
Best bet is maybe to have someone follow him but call him on the password so he know that you are on to him.
Goodluck
With all due respect, I'm going to have to disagree a little bit here, Jeff. I think that once you're at a point where you have to sneak around and follow him around and wait outside for him to come home and stuff like that, the relationship is already so far off course that it's not healthy. It's hard to say whether this guy is still seeing her, not actually seeing her but encouraging her in some way, or is just a plain weak wimp, but in any case, he sounds like someone who would not make a good partner for Petite. I think she should just cut her losses and get out. Life's too short to put up with being harrassed by some psycho hose beast and have him sit idly by doing nothing about it.
With all due respect, I'm going to have to disagree a little bit here, Jeff. I think that once you're at a point where you have to sneak around and follow him around and wait outside for him to come home and stuff like that, the relationship is already so far off course that it's not healthy. It's hard to say whether this guy is still seeing her, not actually seeing her but encouraging her in some way, or is just a plain weak wimp, but in any case, he sounds like someone who would not make a good partner for Petite. I think she should just cut her losses and get out. Life's too short to put up with being harrassed by some psycho hose beast and have him sit idly by doing nothing about it.
I have said this in other post and I am against the sneaking around BUT if that is the last option then your gonna have to do it.
He lied to her once allready about change the password. All of a sudden he wants to go out more on Fridays and now this crazy ex. is saying she is going to say that they have been haning while the poster is at work.
Truethfully its hard to tell what is going on here. I really don't know what is going on here because my mind says no he is not because he has been truethful about it and this is a rageing ex. But the other side is saying he could be and this ex. is on the verge to tell the truth.
The poster doesn't know who to believe. This crazy ex saying yes they are(which may be truth) and the boyfriend is saying "no, hunny believe me". What choices does she have at this piont? I would say somthing about the pass word but if little things keep poping up then its time to play the spy.
I have said this in other post and I am against the sneaking around BUT if that is the last option then your gonna have to do it.
He lied to her once allready about change the password. All of a sudden he wants to go out more on Fridays and now this crazy ex. is saying she is going to say that they have been haning while the poster is at work.
Truethfully its hard to tell what is going on here. I really don't know what is going on here because my mind says no he is not because he has been truethful about it and this is a rageing ex. But the other side is saying he could be and this ex. is on the verge to tell the truth.
The poster doesn't know who to believe. This crazy ex saying yes they are(which may be truth) and the boyfriend is saying "no, hunny believe me". What choices does she have at this piont? I would say somthing about the pass word but if little things keep poping up then its time to play the spy.
She meant that its never time to play the spy, if you lose that much trust then it is time to leave the relationship, I agree with that.
The poster doesn't know who to believe. This crazy ex saying yes they are(which may be truth) and the boyfriend is saying "no, hunny believe me". What choices does she have at this piont? I would say somthing about the pass word but if little things keep poping up then its time to play the spy.
Well, I guess it all depends on how much you want to invest in the relationship. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time. He doesn't sound like he's worth all that bother. He's most likely a liar, and he's definitely a spineless coward, so why even bother? So she plays spy and finds out that a) he's been lying and has been sleeping with his ex the whole time or b) he's been telling the truth, so the relationship goes on as it is, with this psycho ex making life miserable for her and him sitting on his hands helpless like a jellyfish. What's the payoff?
She meant that its never time to play the spy, if you lose that much trust then it is time to leave the relationship, I agree with that.
I see that but a lot of people don't want to take that route because they denicated time to the relationship and don't want to loose the partner if they are wrong.
Please don't get this wrong but its easy for single people to say that. I am not going to spy on my GF but I am not going to leave her if I feel she is cheating. Once I find out then that will be it. There are a lot of things that lead up to cheating for signs. If a lot of these signs are visible and I am still getting lies I will have to do reasearch.
CoreyP if I remember right you got rid of a GF because she was testing you. You didn't want to deal with that anymore. But you have develope that sense just to leave if you can't trust them. I understand and respect that but I love my GF and I want to know 100% the trueth before I just said goodbye.
Its just hard to predict your actions until you are in that situation. Thats the way I feel
Last edited by eightball61; 06-09-2004 at 03:03 PM.
I see that but a lot of people don't want to take that route because they denicated time to the relationship and don't want to loose the partner if they are wrong.
Please don't get this wrong but its easy for single people to say that. I am not going to spy on my GF but I am not going to leave her if I feel she is cheating. Once I find out then that will be it. There are a lot of things that lead up to cheating for signs. If a lot of these signs are visible and I am still getting lies I will have to do reasearch.
CoreyP if I remember right you got rid of a GF because she was testing you. You didn't want to deal with that anymore. But you have develope that sense just to leave if you can't trust them. I understand and respect that but I love my GF and I want to know 100% the trueth before I just said goodbye.
Its just hard to predict your actions until you are in that situation. Thats the way I feel
You have a good memory Jeff. I am a person that thinks, that if you don't trust your GF or BF, 100 percent. Then you are not with the right person. You should feel confident in any relationship. Guilty or Not.
You have a good memory Jeff. I am a person that thinks, that if you don't trust your GF or BF, 100 percent. Then you are not with the right person. You should feel confident in any relationship. Guilty or Not.
My memory isn't that great but I remembered that because I was wishing I had you attitude sometimes because it would help me to stick up for myself more....lol
I am the guy that say "its ok"....lol
I see your point and respect it to the fullest. I kinda feel that way also but for me if this happen in this relationship I want to know my facts.
Jeff, even single people can have an idea on what a good relationship should be. I have been in a few relationships, and if it ever got to the point of hiring a spy, I would leave, I assure you of that.
I see that but a lot of people don't want to take that route because they denicated time to the relationship and don't want to loose the partner if they are wrong.
Please don't get this wrong but its easy for single people to say that. I am not going to spy on my GF but I am not going to leave her if I feel she is cheating. Once I find out then that will be it. There are a lot of things that lead up to cheating for signs. If a lot of these signs are visible and I am still getting lies I will have to do reasearch.
Believe me, it's not easy for me to say, and I stayed through a lot of stuff I never thought I would in my last relationship, but I think the bottom line is that you have to have some self respect. This is more than just an issue of is he cheating on her or not? If it were just that one issue, I might be inclined to agree with you more. But there's a bigger issue she's dealing with here. she has a crazy woman calling her at work, disturbing and harrassing her, driving by the house watching her when she's there, etc. This woman has no sense of boundaries. She has crossed the line as far as what is socially acceptable behavior. She's become a menace to this girl, and her boyfriend refuses to do anything about it. He's on a date with her and makes her sit and wait in the car while he talks to this crazy woman for almost half an hour? Let's put the shoe on the other foot, Jeff. You say you love your girlfriend. What would you do if an ex of yours decided it wasn't over and started calling your current girlfriend at work and hanging up on her? If this ex started driving by your house and waiting outside and watching your girlfriend, maybe even following her home? Calling your cell while you're out with your girlfriend and demanding you have a 30 minute conversation with her? Would you just shrug and tell your current girlfriend "oh well, nothing I can do, she'll just keep calling anyway"? Is that the response of a loving, committed boyfriend?
I'm with Ninispjc on this.
I didn't like the fact that he encourages her to call by acknowleding her phone calls, listening to them and HAVING YOU IN ON THEM? What is the point in that? Then to carry on a conversation with her on the phone while you sat for 25 minutes - Look, I would have given him 5 seconds anymore I would have put the car in Drive and run him over!
O.K....Sorry, I think the SUN got to my head today (but I'm tanned )
this is what I would do, Tell the guy he has "Baggage" going on and as soon as he gets rid of it - Give you a Call! If he doesn't like it, well too bad. It's no better then you having to be someone's rebound, or doormat. He's got a phsyco girlfriend hounding him, he is allowing it and now it's effecting you -
Let him choose as your walking out the door - he may get stuck with her but YOU don't have to.
Some good advice on here! I would just say trust your gut feeling. I have learned that my gut feelings are ALWAYS on target and that I wished I had acknowledged them when I felt them.
Let's put the shoe on the other foot, Jeff. You say you love your girlfriend. What would you do if an ex of yours decided it wasn't over and started calling your current girlfriend at work and hanging up on her? If this ex started driving by your house and waiting outside and watching your girlfriend, maybe even following her home? Calling your cell while you're out with your girlfriend and demanding you have a 30 minute conversation with her? Would you just shrug and tell your current girlfriend "oh well, nothing I can do, she'll just keep calling anyway"? Is that the response of a loving, committed boyfriend?
If the shoe was on my foot well i would make one easy route: First I would attempt to threatent to get policce involved and a restraining order. If that failed then the law comes in and I WOULD PRESS CHARGES....its that easy. I wouldn't want my ex to ruin a good relationship that I know have.
I understand where you are all coming from but there is another side here to put in consideration. Remember her man is mysterally going out on friday nights more and coming home at odd hours and didn't even change a password to the computer that could only take 5-10 minutes of his time to do.
I am not telling her to spy as of yet. She has very little information on what the true story is here and she just needs for other things to fall into context. If it was me I would has enough and just call the police without the BF knowing and see what his reaction is. If he doesn't mind then his friday nights were with friend BUT if he argues it out then we know the truth.
I absolutley feel like I have dedicated too much time in this relationship to just walk away if in fact he isn't seeing her. From the beginning we've had the ex and his mother against us. This is another part of it...his mother HATES me but loves his ex! They actually get together every weekend! I work with his mother and she has told others that she is trying to get him and his ex back together. He has sided with me against his mother since the start and has even told her that he wants nothing to do with her on more than one occasion. Part of me feels like she is behind this whole thing with the ex! He said his mother even knew about the ex's plan...but she told the ex not to do it . But then again this is coming from what he tells me. What I've done the past couple of weeks is tell him I'm coming over on Fridays to see what he says but he always tells me I can come over anytime I want (I have a key). I haven't gotten to the point of following him yet but I have thought about it!
Wouldn't telling him I know about not changing the password backfire? He'll know I have it!
I've mentioned calling the police before but he says she hasn't threatened him or I and we have no proof she's driving by spying. But what scares me is she had a friend of hers run my license plate...so she knows where I live, my DOB, all that stuff!!
Wouldn't telling him I know about not changing the password backfire? He'll know I have it!
I've mentioned calling the police before but he says she hasn't threatened him or I and we have no proof she's driving by spying. But what scares me is she had a friend of hers run my license plate...so she knows where I live, my DOB, all that stuff!!
Telling the password may backfire but that is a chance you may have to take. As for calling the police you can get harassment charges on her or get a restraining order.
This is your relationship. I know his mother is giving you a hard time about this but something needs to be done. He is with you because he cares for you which he should be supportive to any decision that you make to keep this girl from interfearing.
