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Old 06-11-2004, 02:42 AM   #1
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julia4luv HB User
Mom won't get rid of stuff

I am 30 years old and I am married. My mother has a collection of pictures of me with all my old boyfriends and refuses to get rid of the pictures. I am embarrased by what I did before I met my husband. I slept with ~25 guys and my mother has pictures of me and most of these guys. When we visit my parents, she constantly pulls out albums containing these pictures and puts them in front of my husband. My husband knows about my past but when these pics are thrown infront of him he gets upset and now refuses to go to my parents house because he feels he should not be subjected to this. I have talked to my mother on 3 occasions about getting rid of this stuff, but she says they are HER memories and will not part with them. My mother has gotten rid of any other memory that I ever had when I was a child, in fact you would never know she ever had a child if you walked into her house and this happened within a month of my leaving for college 13 years ago. I love my husband dearly and I completely understand why this bothers him. If someone kept throwing pictures of him with other girls in front of me I would get upset too. Besides that, I am upset that these pictures are around. It is just a reminder to me about failures I have had. I want to see my father, but I have to deal with my mother when I go over. Dad will not get in the middle of this, he says its up to my mother if she wants to kept this stuff. What do I do?

Last edited by julia4luv; 06-11-2004 at 02:53 AM.

 
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Old 06-11-2004, 05:22 AM   #2
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maak823 HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

My mother used to do this to my Ex husband- she hated him and would constantly point out how I did much better before him. We ignored it and eventually she quit- maybe DH should say something to her, OR I guess she'll figure it out when you don't show up to visit anymore.

Really its just immaturity on her part- of course you could always take the albums from the house and burn them.



Quote:
Originally Posted by julia4luv
I am 30 years old and I am married. My mother has a collection of pictures of me with all my old boyfriends and refuses to get rid of the pictures. I am embarrased by what I did before I met my husband. I slept with ~25 guys and my mother has pictures of me and most of these guys. When we visit my parents, she constantly pulls out albums containing these pictures and puts them in front of my husband. My husband knows about my past but when these pics are thrown infront of him he gets upset and now refuses to go to my parents house because he feels he should not be subjected to this. I have talked to my mother on 3 occasions about getting rid of this stuff, but she says they are HER memories and will not part with them. My mother has gotten rid of any other memory that I ever had when I was a child, in fact you would never know she ever had a child if you walked into her house and this happened within a month of my leaving for college 13 years ago. I love my husband dearly and I completely understand why this bothers him. If someone kept throwing pictures of him with other girls in front of me I would get upset too. Besides that, I am upset that these pictures are around. It is just a reminder to me about failures I have had. I want to see my father, but I have to deal with my mother when I go over. Dad will not get in the middle of this, he says its up to my mother if she wants to kept this stuff. What do I do?

 
Old 06-11-2004, 05:56 AM   #3
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by julia4luv
What do I do?
Life is too short to deal with stress and frustration unnecessarily. Your mother is being disrespectful to you and your husband. Were I you, I would detach from my mother emotionally and physically until such time as she modifies her behavior towards you and your husband. I am with your husband 100%. I too would say I don't need this headache and would refuse to go there anymore. Families are supposed to be sources of support and unconditional love. When they do not serve this purpose, they should be looked at as unnecessary sources of stress and guilt.

Do not argue the point with your mother. Leave her to herself. If she chooses sulking over mending, you know exactly what you are dealing with and the pain you will have all your life if you give in to it.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 06:32 AM   #4
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caregiver HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Your mom wanting to keep your pictures is one thing but throwing them in your husband face is another. Sounds like she is doing this out of pure spite, and she may have some control issues.

I understand wanting to see your dad but not wanting to deal with your mom. Maybe you and your dad could meet for lunch or dinner somewhere on neutral territory? Or simply tell your mom that unless and until she stops this you will no longer come over and really have no reason to talk to her. Might be tough but I think it would get your point across

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:23 AM   #5
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julia4luv HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

The biggest problem is when its Dad's birthday, fathers day, any relatives. Seems she is the one that likes to entertain and has all these events at her house. I don't know if I should go and catch hell from her just so I can see my Dad on his special days, or any other relatives. She has knocked me down my entire life and this is just another step she is taking. As far as ignoring this and it will stop, its been going on for over 4 years, how long is too long. She would not surprise me at all if I went over to find one of these pictures in a frame on the wall. This is driving me crazy!!!! I think she is trying to ruin my happiness with my husband. It has effected him, I can see this, and I am worried I am going to loose him over this. Please don't reply with if he loves me he won't go, think about how much anyone can take. Eveyone has a breaking point. This sucks!!!

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:25 AM   #6
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Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

I can understand why she wants to keep these pictures and that because it is memories of her daughter. These are her pictures and I am sure she won't throw them away.

She has the right to keep them but she does not have the right to show your husband. He knows your past so why does he need to see the guys?

You didn;t mention if you talked to your mom about this so I am guessing you havn't. You have to tell her to stop doing this because it is ruining the relationship between your family and your husband. Yes, you have a past but who doesn't? you are now married and moving on. If she wants to show picture suggest her showing family pictures or baby pictures but not of your ex.'s.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:32 AM   #7
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julia4luv HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Another thing. As far as my mother keeping the pictures even if she does not throw them in my husbands face. I don't want the pictures around! They make me sick just knowing they are in my old house. I do not need this reminder of how many times I screwed up in the past. Why would a mother keep things that hurt her daughter? This is all that she has kept of mine!

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:32 AM   #8
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maak823 HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Well then its time to have it out with her about it.
Tell her exactly how you feel that it is disrespectful to you and your husband and that if it doesn't stop that you have no choice but to remove yourself from these events.

Or better yet- jump the gun on her and arrange to have the events at YOUR house or at a neutral place other than her home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by julia4luv
The biggest problem is when its Dad's birthday, fathers day, any relatives. Seems she is the one that likes to entertain and has all these events at her house. I don't know if I should go and catch hell from her just so I can see my Dad on his special days, or any other relatives. She has knocked me down my entire life and this is just another step she is taking. As far as ignoring this and it will stop, its been going on for over 4 years, how long is too long. She would not surprise me at all if I went over to find one of these pictures in a frame on the wall. This is driving me crazy!!!! I think she is trying to ruin my happiness with my husband. It has effected him, I can see this, and I am worried I am going to loose him over this. Please don't reply with if he loves me he won't go, think about how much anyone can take. Eveyone has a breaking point. This sucks!!!

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:33 AM   #9
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csoar2004 HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by julia4luv
I have talked to my mother on 3 occasions about getting rid of this stuff, but she says they are HER memories and will not part with them. It is just a reminder to me about failures I have had. I want to see my father, but I have to deal with my mother when I go over. Dad will not get in the middle of this, he says its up to my mother if she wants to kept this stuff. What do I do?
You're going about this in the wrong way, IMHO.
Ask to meet your mom for lunch - just the two of you. Be pleasant. Don't attack. Tell her you understand that she has fond memories associated with these pictures and you AREN'T asking her to get rid of them. You don't even care how often she looks at them when you aren't around. However, inform her clearly that they represent to YOU a series of bad choices and a period in your life that you would prefer to put behind you. Request that she agree NOT to bring these pictures out for viewing when you and your husband visit. Extract a promise from her on this.
If she refuses to promise then regretfully inform her that you will be unable to visit her in the future (hint delicately that this means a restricted access to future grandchildren). Do this graciously but firmly. Don't accuse her. Don't get drawn into any arguement. Simply keep restating your position (it's called being "on message" ). As long as she insists on trotting out these photos, you must regretfully decline to visit.
You don't hafta meet your dad @ his home, you know. Offer to take him out to lunch/brunch/breakfast/fishing/movies, etc. etc. If he wants to see you, he'll come. If he doesn't, that's HIS issue.
Your allegiance now is to your husband first and foremost. This is an important test of how seriously you take your marriage vows. Stick to your guns, girl. It's time for your folks to grow up and let go of you.
___________________
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Old 06-11-2004, 07:35 AM   #10
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julia4luv HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Oh, I have talked to her plenty about this over the past few years. No, I don't understand why she wants to keep the pictures! She has hundreds of pictures of me throughout my life without any of these people in them. Why not throw away what hurts me and keep the pictures of me with my family, friends, and by myself?

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:36 AM   #11
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

What sucks is why haven't you just grab the photos from your mother when she is showing them to your husband and rip them up right in front of her and your husband? WHY haven't you just told your mother off?
What do you have to lose? A mother who is so evil in seeing her daughter happy?

Stop with your exuses about seeing your father....Take him out to dinner for father's day or his birthday - Send him a present and tell him you refuse to step foot in that house of evil till those Pictures are gone - Stand up to your mother and if she doesn't listen to you - then don't go over anymore to see her and those pictures. How long is too long? That will depend on your mother - as long as you allow her to continue to control you. It could be forever - that is up to your mother not you.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:40 AM   #12
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csoar2004 HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by julia4luv
Oh, I have talked to her plenty about this over the past few years. No, I don't understand why she wants to keep the pictures! She has hundreds of pictures of me throughout my life without any of these people in them. Why not throw away what hurts me and keep the pictures of me with my family, friends, and by myself?
Julia, get over this. As long as it's a trigger for you...a way to "get" to you, your mom is clearly going to use it. You cannot control what another person does. You can only control what YOU do!
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you won't be coming around while she engages in this behavior and STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Be MORE adult about this than your parents. For whatever reason, your mom is still trying to control YOU. Remove yourself from the equation.
Life is too short to let things like this get to you. Put all the energy you've used to focus on this and feel bad about everything into planning a lovely get away for you and hubby.
Laugh a lot.
When everything is said and done, you want to know that you behaved in a manner true to your values and beliefs and were an honorable, loving person.
Go on...get out there and start laughing!

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:42 AM   #13
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julia4luv HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Thanks for the reply but as far as the first part of your statement you are way off. There is no talking to this women. I did approach he very nicely about this about 4 years ago. I explained exactly what I felt in a diplomatic manner. Her response back then and ever since is, no one is going to tell me what to do. Also, please consider what I said earlier, every special thing I had growing up was tossed as soon as I left for college. Wouldn't those things be fond memories for a mother, especially since I am an only child and they live in a huge house? As for bringing up grandchildren, it would break my heart to have my kids have to see this stuff as they grow older, and I am sure this will be something she will do!

Quote:
Originally Posted by csoar2004
You're going about this in the wrong way, IMHO.
Ask to meet your mom for lunch - just the two of you. Be pleasant. Don't attack. Tell her you understand that she has fond memories associated with these pictures and you AREN'T asking her to get rid of them. You don't even care how often she looks at them when you aren't around. However, inform her clearly that they represent to YOU a series of bad choices and a period in your life that you would prefer to put behind you. Request that she agree NOT to bring these pictures out for viewing when you and your husband visit. Extract a promise from her on this.
If she refuses to promise then regretfully inform her that you will be unable to visit her in the future (hint delicately that this means a restricted access to future grandchildren). Do this graciously but firmly. Don't accuse her. Don't get drawn into any arguement. Simply keep restating your position (it's called being "on message" ). As long as she insists on trotting out these photos, you must regretfully decline to visit.
You don't hafta meet your dad @ his home, you know. Offer to take him out to lunch/brunch/breakfast/fishing/movies, etc. etc. If he wants to see you, he'll come. If he doesn't, that's HIS issue.
Your allegiance now is to your husband first and foremost. This is an important test of how seriously you take your marriage vows. Stick to your guns, girl. It's time for your folks to grow up and let go of you.
___________________
203/146/146 on the Fat Flush Plan for life and perky to the max!

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:47 AM   #14
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

I think that your mother should be able to keep these pictures of you and ex-boyfriends. However, I do not think she should take them out and put them in front of your husband when he comes over. Have you told her just to respect that when your husband comes can she keep these pictures to herself, rather than throwing them out? I also think you need to accept your past. Your past experiences is what made you who you are today. In fact, since you dated so many men you had the oppotunity to pick a man that is really right for you, your husband. Without these past experiences you may have never learned what it is you want and need out of a relationship. You shouldn't dwell on the past, in any means, but you should not be ashamed of it either. Those pictures are your mom's right to keep, but she needs to respect your wishes about not showing them around your husband.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:47 AM   #15
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csoar2004 HB User
Re: Mom won't get rid of stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by julia4luv
As for bringing up grandchildren, it would break my heart to have my kids have to see this stuff as they grow older, and I am sure this will be something she will do!
Well, exactly. So don't go there. DOn't take your children there. This is purely an attempt on your mother's part to control you and your life and by spending all this time on the issue, YOU are letting her do it!
Get off the merri-go-round, Julia. You're the only one who can break the cycle.
Sure it sucks that you have parents doing this. Sure it sucks that YOU are more adult than THEM in this situation. Sure it sucks that she got rid of stuff that matters to YOU and kept stuff that matters to HER instead.
Life is like that.
Deal with it.
Focus on the life you have and want to have with your hubby. Give your parents space and time to grow up and get over losing you to your hubby.
Don't go there, don't engage in an arguement, be consistent in your response. (this is excellent child-rearing practice, by the way! )
You control what YOU do and nothing else. <---a hard life lesson, but valuable, trust me!

 
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