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Old 06-11-2004, 09:44 AM   #1
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Im_Robyn HB User
I am so confused...I really need a little advice

This has to do with two of my relationships one with my boyfriend and one with my mom.

Well here is the situation I live with my mom I'm 23 and I have 2 daughters. I graduated from college in january so I do have an education. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 months and everything is great the only problem is is that he thinks I am too dependent on my mom. I live with her not out of needing her but becuase I am unable to support my children and myself.

Yesterday I was offered a postion at IBM ( which totally rocks ) the only problem is the postion starts at 5am and I need to take the bus to get there and they dont run early enough to get me there on time. I take the bus becuase when i was young i was hit by a car and I have a fear of driving.

My boyfriend is perfectly happy taking me there before he goes to work but my mom hates him and doesnt want him in her house so that means I'm screwed because my mom is unable to help me get to work.

Here is the part I need help with my boyfriend has a place he lives in the basement apartment of his friends house. His friend and him told me that they want me and my girls to go live with them, which is really nice. But there are so many factors that make me unsure of this, his friend is married with two kids, and as of tonight my bf will be getting his two boys for the summer and if I move in there will be my two daughters. I just would feel terrible if this family as sweet and abliging as they are would have to deal with four additional kids on top of there two. And the basement apartment is kinda gross it does have its own kitchen which is cool but there is no private enterence so we have to go through the top of the house to get into the basement and bother the family. Here is another reason for my doubts right now we live in a beautiful house in Arvada and this house is in Greeley anyone who lives in or has been to colorado knows what a huge step down in areas that is. I also registered my daughter in kindergarten in a great school and I really dont want her to go to a greeley school they are not nearly as good as the ones in arvada.

Now here comes the issue with my mom she still thinks she can control my life but since she has done so much for me I allow her to have more say in my decisions than she should. She told me that if I moved out of her house she would try to take the girls from me. So I know if I told her about this situation she would flip out. But if I go to nasty greeley with my boyfriend I would be able to work at IBM if I dont then I get take the job.

What should I do, go or stay. I really need some help with this.
Thanks for any advice.
Robyn

 
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Old 06-11-2004, 10:51 AM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

The only way she could take you children away is if she could prove that you are not capable of being a parent. Her threats are just to keep you there and have you think about this decision before you make the move.

I don't know what other responses you may get here but I am going to say stay with her for the time being. You got offered a good job and staying with your mom will help you save and someone to help you out.

If you move out with him you are going to be cramped in a small celler with him and his kids. Cellers are not normally that big and having 4 kids around would be hecktick.

A few years ago, my family sold there house and we were building a new one. So while the new one was getting built we had to rent and we stayed in a celler. In the Apt. was my mom, dad, me, and my little sis. It was a nice place but boy we all got on eachothers nerves because there was no privacy and we were so close to each other.

You mother may be driving you nuts but try to live with it for a bit longer. You have only been with this guy for 2 1/2 months. ITs nice that they offered you a place but wait it out and get your life situated first. You have 2 kids to care for.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 10:59 AM   #3
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Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

I am going to be completly honest with you. You need to think about your children above all things. What is best for them? You will be moving into a cramped basement. I know that a job at IBM would be wonderful. Maybe talk to your Mom and see if there is something you can work out. Explain to her that your BF is helping you get to work. He doesn't have to come in the house. He can sit in the car until you come out. Would that work?
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Old 06-11-2004, 11:11 AM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Yes, Bellestar's advice is good. YOu've only known this guy for 2 1/5 months. Don't move in with him, especially that it doesn't sound like great living conditions for your two young daughters anyway. Stay with your mom for the time being, get the job at IBM, and have him pick you up near your mother's house. Why does your mom hate him so much? Later, if the relationship develops well and both of you have good jobs, you can think about taking it to the next level. But honestly, since there are kids involved, I wouldn't just move in with any guy until I was sure he's the man I want to marry, and I would marry him FIRST before moving in.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:13 AM   #5
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Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

I say stay. There are way more bad consequences that can come from you moving in with this boyfriend than bad consequences from just not taking this one job. First, of all, what does your Mom not like about him? She probably has good reason, especially after seeing you have to two kids and broken relationships by age 23. You've only been dating this guy for 2 months!!!! This is not enough time to move in, ESPECIALLY exposing your two daughters to this. If you moved in, you are not even living alone--there are kids and adults everywhere--his kids, your kids, their kids. What kind of enviornment are you even considering putting your kids in? I am not against living together, but when kids are involved I am. When you get married then your children should be living with this man. You are not seeing the big picture. Taking a lesser paying job is better than taking this job, shacking up with this guy you've known 2 months and all the other adults and kids, putting your kid in a lower quality school and loosing your mother's respect (the one who has been here for you through thick and thin). When it all fails, are you going to run back to your mom? I'm sure shes had enough. You are an adult and its time to make adult decisions. If this job is SO great that in noway can you turn it down then you should spend more time trying to get past this fear of driving than trying to depend on some man. If you can't, then take a taxi.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:18 AM   #6
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Im_Robyn HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

The major reason my bf wants me to move in with him is becuase he lives close to IBM so it would be easy for him to take me to work. But if he had to drive 45 minutes from his house to mine and then another 35 minutes to get me to work and then another 20 minutes to get to his work that wouldnt work. He wouldnt do that.

I totally agree it would way too cramped and the basement is nasty. The only reason I am questioning this decision is becuase I am trying to figure out what the best thing for my children would be. So i kinda thought that when you become a parent you will make sacrafises to improve the lives and wellbeing of those you love...but would this be considered as a selfish sacrafise. The job is only part-time and only through september of course there is a chance to be put on perminent and full-time but I would need to prove myself.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:18 AM   #7
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Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Right, why can't you just take a taxi? Or have a good friend give you a ride? If this job is so great and pays well, maybe it's worth to spend the extra money on the taxi? I mean, you don't have to pay rent living at your mom's, so you would be spending less on the taxi than if you had to move somewhere and pay rent, correct? I have a fear of driving too, but I live in a place where public transportation is awesome so I don't have to deal with it.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:22 AM   #8
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Jezzz! By the time I finished putting together my post, you guys already beat me to it! Well, I will just add to the rhetoric.

You say your mom doesnít want him in your house. If he is just picking you up and taking you to work, why would he need to come in her house unless he doesnít know and you havenít told him about how she feels. Why canít he just pick you up outside? Honk the horn or if he has a cell phone, call you a couple of minutes before he arrives so you wonít have him waiting outside for long.

Iím sorry to hear about your accident but you really need to overcome your fear of driving. There is nothing to it. It will give you the independence you really need to start your new job and a career. You worked hard to get an education donít let the fear of driving hold you back. You can overcome that fear.

I donít know why he is cutting you down for still being somewhat dependent on your mother. He may live on his own but from what you described, it ainít much to brag about. A basement apartment rented out to him by his friend. If he canít afford his own real nice apartment, then he is not as financially independent as he may think. I am not saying this to put him down but it seems to me, his comment is not all that justified considering his position. Does he have a job? Make that, does he have a good job? Does he have a good education if he doesnít have a job?

When you take into consideration all the issues involved, I think you are better off staying with your mom. She has helped support you up to this point and the kids are well taken care of. It seems like she is a person you can count on to really help you out even though at the present time, you canít have everything your way. Get your career going first and take care of your girls. Your boyfriend should come last.

Please donít take your kids away from their comfortable living environment and put them in some dive place like a basement apartment. If you do, you are not moving up, you are moving down and taking your kids with you.

If you do move in with your boyfriend, who is suppose to watch the kids while everyone is at work? How old are your boyfriendís two boys? How well do you know those two boys? Do you really want and can you trust your two girls alone with them or any of the other individuals involved such as the two other kids?

I donít think your mother is trying to control your life as much as she is trying to advice you on what is best for you and your girls in the present situation you are currently in. I myself donít like the situation of you moving in with your boyfriend with your kids even though your mother really has no legal venue to take your daughters away from you under normal circumstances. I hope you donít let that issue get to a point where it will jeopardize your relationship with your mother. Whatever you may think, I think she is really looking out for the best interest of your daughters and you should appreciate that.

If the problem really is with getting to work in the mornings, why donít you try to find out if you can carpool with someone who works at IBM and lives close by. Talk to your new supervisor at work and explain your situation and see if he will allow you to come in to work based on the earliest scheduled bus run and stay later if it is possible.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:27 AM   #9
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Im_Robyn
So i kinda thought that when you become a parent you will make sacrafises to improve the lives and wellbeing of those you love...but would this be considered as a selfish sacrafise. The job is only part-time and only through september of course there is a chance to be put on perminent and full-time but I would need to prove myself.
You do make sacrifices to improve the lives and wellbeing of those you love--how on earth would moving in with him do this? Its part-time and temporary and you are going to expose your children to this????? The sacrafice you need to make is to not take this job and find another job that you can get to from your Mom's. Working at wal-mart is better for your children if you are going to expose them to this than some temp. job. These are your children--daughters too. You want them to grow up remembering this hole they lived in with this guy mommy was sleeping with? LOOK at the big picture!!

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:28 AM   #10
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

And yes, it is selfish.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:28 AM   #11
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Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

My mom hates him becuase from april until a month ago he lived here with us and my mom feels that he has taken advantage of her he never paid for living here or contributed in anyway. And after my mom kicked him out he continued to come over everynight. She thinks hes using me.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:33 AM   #12
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Oh wow, I just read your second post. You've got to be kidding. Why is this even an issue? A part-time temp job versus changing your kids' entire lives and putting them in a bad living situation, with a man you've only known for a bit over 2 MONTHS! What's to be confused about? There's no confusion here. Stay where you are and get a different job. Since you live in a state where driving is crucial, you should also try to look into some specialized therapy to overcome the fear of driving. Sooner or later you will have to start driving. I don't think you're planning to live with your mom your entire life.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:34 AM   #13
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Hes a winner--go shack up with him and set the example for your daughters on what type of men they should shack up with. All for the job that could very well end in 3 months. Yeah right. You just want to live with him now that hes not living with you and your mom. I'm not trying to be harsh, and if it were just affecting you, who cares. You are an adult. BUT for the children involved. I think you are out of your mind. Really.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:38 AM   #14
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Im_Robyn
My mom hates him becuase from april until a month ago he lived here with us and my mom feels that he has taken advantage of her he never paid for living here or contributed in anyway. And after my mom kicked him out he continued to come over everynight. She thinks hes using me.
Why on earth would you want to live with a man like that? Obviously your mom has a much better judgement than you do and you would benefit from taking her advice. She did you a favor kicking this guy out and not allowing him in her house. I am shocked she even let him move in there in the first place. What does he do for a living? how old is he? It doesn't sound like he can even take a good care of himself, not to mention of you or your daughters.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 11:39 AM   #15
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: I am so confused...I really need a little advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Im_Robyn
I totally agree it would way too cramped and the basement is nasty. The only reason I am questioning this decision is becuase I am trying to figure out what the best thing for my children would be. So i kinda thought that when you become a parent you will make sacrafises to improve the lives and wellbeing of those you love...but would this be considered as a selfish sacrafise. The job is only part-time and only through september of course there is a chance to be put on perminent and full-time but I would need to prove myself.
Good for you girl. Put the well being of your kids first. You know a good job when you see it and trying to make the best of it while thinking of your daughters at the same time. It is not always easy and straight forward finding a solution.


I just notice your name, "Robyn" as in a Robin bird.

I have to be quicker on the keyboard to respond before the others.

I guess around here if you are not fast enough,
"It is the Worm that gets the Bird!


You bunch of WORMS!

Last edited by Hoop; 06-11-2004 at 11:39 AM.

 
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