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Old 06-11-2004, 01:20 PM   #1
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Cookiem26 HB User
Question Advice needed-

I have posted before in regards to my husband who is an alcoholic. I won't go in detail about that other than he does go to AA meetings and has sobered up for periods of time for maybe 2 weeks at a time and is right back on a drinking binge again. He has been through rehab twice so he has the tools he needs to quite again on his own. I know that he really wants to quit and he made the comment the other day that he is going to have to quit for good or he is going to die. So no doubt, he knows he has a problem. I am struggling with the fact of separation but it is so hard because I know he wants to quit but it just seems he can never stay sober very long and I know that 99% of our marital problems stem from the drinking. What I want to know is for as long as I can remember, he will run to his family members (mom, dad, sister) at the drop of a hat when they say they need him and have problems. every day it is something else and we all unfortunately live in the same town. It has happened during one of his sober periods before and he will end up drinking again because he will say he can't handle the stress of his family yet he continues going back right into the fire. both of his parents who are divorced are very heavy drinkers also. But I wonder if it isn't an excuse to get a way from me when he runs to everyone else and doesn't pay me any attention. He says I nag and when I nag it doesn't make it any easier for him in his recovery and has said before that it causes him to drink. What I want is to know how to say the right thing to him without nagging. I fear that we are going to split apart very soon but I want to give him some things to think about, how he neglects me and seems to rather spend more time than anyone BUT me. It frustrates me because he will say well you KNOW you are the most important thing to me but even when I call him on his cell he never answers and sometimes won't even come home at night because he stays at his parents drunk. He hasn't worked in months, I am the sole provider, I do all the housework, pay the bills etc. so you can see why I am so resentful and now I feel like saying i just don't care and see how he will react? I don't know if this sounds silly but I want to know, is it really my nagging that is the reason he wants to spend time away from me or maybe it is that he can drink around everyone else? I just don't know. He seems to really want to quit but just won't stay sober and I want to help him. I feel though I have done all I can for him. It hurts a lot to see him this way but then again I don't want to be treated like dirt anymore either. Any advice would be helpful to me, if anyone has been in my position and how did you handle it? Thanks.

 
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Old 06-11-2004, 01:29 PM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice needed-

This man life keeps going down hill and he is taking you with him. You need to pull up from it. You nag to him but that is because you care and you want things to change . He has been to rehad a few times but nothing has worked. So where does that leave things????

You talked of a seperation...hmm....Maybe that maybe be the best bet. He doesn't work and he needs some kind of support and with you gone he won't have that which may make him go back in line.

I am sorry to say but seperation may be the only answer because this man has tried everything and has even had your support but he still fail. He needs a huge wake up call that will make him want to quit. His family makes him drink and your nagging makes him drink so the last option maybe to have him check into a hospital for sometime so he can get help. This will allow you to have time and think about things.

I don't know what more to offer because he has tried a lot of things and he still drinks. This is a disease and he needs to have the will power to stop but he needs to do it for him.

Last edited by eightball61; 06-11-2004 at 01:31 PM.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:41 PM   #3
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Advice needed-

He will not stay sober until he takes full responsibility for his actions, mainly his drinking,and stops trying to blame other (like saying your nagging drives him to drink). He is blaming everyone else for his problems. He needs to be a man and face what he has been doing. Ask any AA vet, they will tell you the same thing...Good luck, you are going to need it.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:43 PM   #4
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Also, YOU cannot help him. HE has to help HIMSELF.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:45 PM   #5
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillarybash
Also, YOU cannot help him. HE has to help HIMSELF.

& its so true....

Do you think a trial seperation is good for the time being?

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:52 PM   #6
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Cookiem26 HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Yes, I think that is the ONLY thing at this point that may give us some hope. Right now he is with his dad who got kicked out of his parents place for drinking, surprise surprise. I told my husband the other day that if he wasn't ready to quit drinking then fine, he would have to pack his bags and leave and he said no he was definitely ready and see how I fall for it. He stayed the night with his dad last night at a motel because he had to drive him there (his dad has lost his license). I think when he calls me I will tell him to just not come home and to not call me for a while. My mother says he has a lot of growing up to do and I agree. None of this is a way for me to live. I have too much going for me, I have a well paying career, own a house etc. and I am just letting him ride along and slowly kill himself and me too. I now just don't know how long of a separation? I can see him calling me after a day or so and saying he's ready but how I will really know if he means it I don't know. That's a tough one for me.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:57 PM   #7
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Advice needed-

If you dont have kids, I would say separate indefinately. After you revealed more about the man's family, my heart sank. The chances of him getting sober are slim. I wouldnt take him back until he has maintained sobriety for a long long time. As an alcoholic, he will eat you alive. First your heart, and then your finances. If it were me, I would probably start planning for a divorce.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 02:09 PM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Advice needed-

This is only going to work 50/50...

Kicking him out may make him realize that he is turning into a bum and no one wants hims because even his dad did the same.

But by kicking him out he may just contiinue to do it to find a way of comfort.

Has he though about checking into a hospital for a few months so he can get help?

& I notice you mentioned that he with his dad, why is that? Did you kick him out?

 
Old 06-11-2004, 02:24 PM   #9
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CoreyP HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Hello, My father is also an alchoholic and his father, I have been careful with my drinking because of this. But he inherited a Disease from his father, and I believe this disease is like any other. And relationships with a sick person are always hard, whether it be Bipolar disorder or any other mental health sickness. Would you leave him if he had a different disease, one that people that don't have it can better understand. I think even people that have sicknesses need love too. He knows he has this sickness and is trying. Whether he wins the battle or not, No one can tell. But if you can't live with it, and fight the battle with him. You should leave. My mother has learned to live with it. I am not saying that is the right thing to do, but it is a choice. We never knew how bad it was until he had a heart attack one day, and while he was in the hospital he was having very bad withdrawals which affected his after care. It was terrible to see my Dad like that. But I will never leave him. He was passed something from his father. Its no coincidence that his father had the same thing. Good luck.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 02:44 PM   #10
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Well, my father was apparently an alcoholic. He pretty much ruined his life. And he can't blame it on any 'disease' because my grandfather, his father, pretty much never drank alcohol, and neither did my granmother. I like alcohol socially or sometimes when I feel really lonely and unhappy, but I'm not an alcoholic. Reversely, my ex-boyfriend's father was also an alcoholic (you wouldn't know it cause he was a responsible family man with a great job, but he drank a little every day and could not miss a day. he died of a heart attack at a young age too), and yet neither my exboyfriend nor ANY of his 4 siblings had any problems with alcohol. It's an addiction, yes, but the only person responsible for it is the addicted person. My view might be unpopular but I firmly believe alcoholism is not a disease in the same sense as cancer or diabetes is. It's not there encoded in your genes and waiting to come out at any moment. I believe that if the alcoholic took the responsibility for creating their own addiction and stopped blaming their genes, then they would have a much better chance of recovering.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 03:01 PM   #11
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Re: Advice needed-

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Well, my father was apparently an alcoholic. He pretty much ruined his life. And he can't blame it on any 'disease' because my grandfather, his father, pretty much never drank alcohol, and neither did my granmother. I like alcohol socially or sometimes when I feel really lonely and unhappy, but I'm not an alcoholic. Reversely, my ex-boyfriend's father was also an alcoholic (you wouldn't know it cause he was a responsible family man with a great job, but he drank a little every day and could not miss a day. he died of a heart attack at a young age too), and yet neither my exboyfriend nor ANY of his 4 siblings had any problems with alcohol. It's an addiction, yes, but the only person responsible for it is the addicted person. My view might be unpopular but I firmly believe alcoholism is not a disease in the same sense as cancer or diabetes is. It's not there encoded in your genes and waiting to come out at any moment. I believe that if the alcoholic took the responsibility for creating their own addiction and stopped blaming their genes, then they would have a much better chance of recovering.

I do respect that opinion, but I really believe that they can be encoded in your genes. I firmly believe that this is a disease. Just like diabetes, I think there is a chemical embalance there that is treated with alchohol.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 03:15 PM   #12
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Quote:
Originally Posted by HillaryTheBasher
He will not stay sober until he takes full responsibility for his actions, mainly his drinking,and stops trying to blame other (like saying your nagging drives him to drink). He is blaming everyone else for his problems. He needs to be a man and face what he has been doing. Ask any AA vet, they will tell you the same thing...Good luck, you are going to need it.

Have a heart Hillary. Leave some room for some "Tuff Love".

But, I do agree with you nevertheless.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 03:53 PM   #13
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Red Velvet HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Alcoholism in your husband's case seems like a learned behaviour. You do not deserve this at all, and it will continue. Days are not enough. He has been through rehab, and that still isn't enough. My ex is only 26 and he already exhibits hard core symptoms of alcoholism. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to not have regular 2am phone calls after an argument and saying "You're drunk again, let's talk in the morning." His family is also 'supporting' this behaviour (however inadvertently) so you are seen as nagging, because you are the only person in his life that expects him to be sober. He cannot live up to your expectations, and then blames you. I agree that a separation has to happen, if not for his sake (as a wake-up call) but yours. You may love him, but the kind of love that exists between you and your husband right now is damaging your own life and self-worth.

Take care.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 04:08 PM   #14
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Cookiem26 HB User
Re: Advice needed-

Ironically, his dad was kicked out last night from his place, he was living with his parents which is obviously sad in his late 40's. My husband is 26 and has a car and a license ironically since he has 2 DUIs. , he hasn't called all day so I left him a message telling him I did not want him to come home and that we needed to be separated for both of us to think and decide what we both want. As far as going to the hospital, he has been to rehab twice, went through detox and followed up with the after care meetings and still continues to go to AA. He even has a sponsor. I think in his mind that he thinks he is not as bad as he used to be and that slowly he can taper off and recover which we ALL know cannot happen. And I agree that it is a disease, I have had read much and attended meetings when he was in rehab to know there is a chemical imbalance of some sort and really unless you are in their shoes, I guess we will really never know. I feel sorry for him and anyone dealing with it but it is hard when I love this man as much as the day I met him 12 years ago. It is so hard to seem him deteriorating like this before my eyes but I can't continue to watch it happen. My parents recently came for a visit and can tell I am miserable and that he obviously has problems. I was raised in a very good middle class home with NO drinking or drugs, I was pretty much a goody goody growing up so this is all so different than my upbringing. I hope and pray that everyone will say a prayer for me although you don't know me but there are many more like me out there I am sure. I hope the separation helps but if not, then I am going to unfortunately have to think about a divorce. I am 30 years old and would like to get my life on track and be happy, just as anyone else would I'm sure. Thank you all for your sincere responses and advice, believe me I listen to every one of them and will try to turn my life in the right direction, with or without him. thanks.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 04:09 PM   #15
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Cookiem26 HB User
Re: Advice needed-

I realize I didn't put that because my husband has a car and his dad doesn't, he is driving him around and staying with him at a motel. so basically they are both kicked out.

 
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