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Old 06-12-2004, 09:59 AM   #1
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syndyhall HB User
Angry what to do???

I love my husband dearly. I just had a tumor removed from my brain and O am doing fine. I still have to have an MRI every three months, and all but here is the story.

We have three kids 19 months old twins and a 6 year old. I worked while he stayed at home because I had the better job. I make 15 dollars and hour. then I got sick, and now he has a job it pays 8. My parents pay for our car because we just cant make payments on it. My parents think he is terrible because he does not take care of me. And I take care of him and I am the main person, who makes sure he is ready for work, who pays the bills, etc. He stayed home for along time and took care of the kids while I worked, and my mom if she has them more then several hours she is stressed out. My mom calls up and says that I dont need the stress and all. I threw the phone I was so mad. I just wish people would stop interfering. BUT the thing is is that he is so lazy and has no ambition so some of what she says is true. He sleeps more often that not. the only thing he gets up to do is go to work and he wont pick up, and if I do it is like pulling teeth to get him to help out. he really is a decent in the depart,menmt where he has never hit me or anything like that and when I do talk top him he says while I could beat you and I take care of my kids so what is the problem. I am just at my wits end.

 
Old 06-12-2004, 10:18 AM   #2
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syndyhall HB User
Re: what to do???

I forgot to say that I just want to be loved and I dopnt like to be torn between my husband and my mother. but then who is my mom to talk when she left my dad and cheated on him. and is now back. and thi9nking she can tell me what to do.

 
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Old 06-12-2004, 10:39 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: what to do???

You mom is getting on your case about your husband because she is still stuck in her era. Back then women stayed home while man worked. Today its the opposite or both are work.

You are not complaining about him not doing stuff so he does sound like the ideal guy. He has done a lot and still is. He took care of the family while you were at work and now that you can't work he is doing his share by working.

You husband has put his foot in and soing his share. This is your family and not your mom. You are still her daughter and she is aloud to voice an opinion but she has to know where to draw the line.

 
Old 06-12-2004, 10:46 AM   #4
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Red Velvet HB User
Re: what to do???

Seems that you have a lot of anger to deal with. What does your gut instinct tell you? You seem to be upset that he is laying around a lot. I see a definite problem if he is not helping around the house and you are doing twice the work. It is obvious with your health problems and the young children at home, he is not doing enough. I'm not quite sure of your last two lines in the first post: Did he say that since he doesn't beat you and that he takes care of the kids, you should be happy??? The fact that you should thank him that he doesn't beat you is preposterous. In my opinion, your husband needs to get a better job that pays more so that you can make the car payments...regardless of what your mom has done in the past, she obviously wants a better life for you. It is your choice whether you stay with him or not...but I would discuss with him that he needs to get a better job and do more at home...you both need to become self-sufficient, and that will not happen with him on the couch. With your medical problems, you should be resting anyway!!!!

A friend of mine had a husband like yours, and told him to get a job, or get out. He is now in the military. If you stick to your guns, and tell him this behaviour is unacceptable (and mean it!) he should respect your wishes. If not, I would seriously look at the state of your relationship, and definitely get into some counselling. Single motherhood would be tough, and if there is any way to get him to compromise, I would go for that option.

I hope your health stays good.

 
Old 06-12-2004, 10:53 AM   #5
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Cookiem26 HB User
Re: what to do???

Hi. your husband sounds exactly like mine. We are struggling right now because he is an alcoholic trying to maintain his sobriety but he isn't doing very well right now. But I won't get into that. I am like you, I do all the work around the house, pay the bills, and I am the only one working outside the home, luckily we don't have any children in the picture right now. For you, I think you and your husband could possibly benefit from marriage counseling. We have been in the past and it did help to talk to a 3rd unbiased party. Sounds like he isn't understanding how you really feel. Then you hear from you mother things about your husband stressing you out and you get mad but I think you know it is because some of the things are true and none of us in situations like these like to hear the truth. We feel like we can take care of it or it is no big deal and the truth really does hurt. I think if I were you I would look into marriage counseling and then consider counseling with your mother also. These are both important people in your life whom you love but they are making you miserable and that is no way to live. Trust me, I am searching for the answers in my life right now too and nothing is easy. Good Luck.

 
Old 06-12-2004, 10:53 AM   #6
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: what to do???

Quote:
Originally Posted by syndyhall
he says while I could beat you and I take care of my kids so what is the problem. I am just at my wits end.
\

So because he does not beat you he thinks he is a good husband? Wow, those are some standards. He is just as responsible of taking care of the household duties as much as you are. Considering you just had a major operation he should really be doing it all right now.

 
Old 06-12-2004, 02:13 PM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: what to do???

I, too, am appalled at what your husband said that just because he doesn't beat you and helps out with the children (which is good), he's such a great husband. What century is he living in? Not beating a wife should be a given, not some unusual behavior one deserves a medal for. Anyway, 8 dollars an hour is definitely not enough to support 3 children and his lack of ambition doesn't help. His lack of ambition would be fine IF he were a SINGLE man with no family to provide for. But this is not the case. He has created three children and now it's his shared responsibility to work the hardest he can to provide a good living for them. You really need to push him to get a better job. Does he have any skills? Even if he doesn't have many skills, there are physical jobs that he can do which would pay more than what he is making now. Or even a job as a security guard somewhere. I realize more and more how our choices in a marriage partner can affect our entire life and happiness. I'm single and certainly don't make a huge amount of money now and have to pay for everything myself. However, at least I only have to take care of myself, and if I had to worry about a lazy husband on top of all the other stressful things in life, I'd rather have no husband at all. Did you know he was so unmotivated before you married him?

 
Old 06-12-2004, 08:51 PM   #8
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hillaryb HB User
Re: what to do???

What is it about some significant others (male or female, i dont want to male bash here) that when their spouse gets sick, they dont pick up any slack. If my spouse had major surgery, he would NOT be cleaning, cooking, and primarily caring for our children. I had a hard time after laproscopic surgery last year because my husbands work schedule had become quite demanding. The day after surgery, he left me home alone with our one year old. It was awful, and i was kind of mad. I was mad at my doc who told him that the next day i would feel GREAT, and mad at him for beleiving the guy. I am reminded of a story my mom told me. A woman was hospitalized for meningitis, and the day she was released, her husband took off to a football game with the excuse that the tickets were already paid for. He dropped her off at her mothers. Needless to say, her mother was and still is fuming.

 
Old 06-12-2004, 10:54 PM   #9
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: what to do???

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillarybash
What is it about some significant others (male or female, i dont want to male bash here) that when their spouse gets sick, they dont pick up any slack. If my spouse had major surgery, he would NOT be cleaning, cooking, and primarily caring for our children. I had a hard time after laproscopic surgery last year because my husbands work schedule had become quite demanding. The day after surgery, he left me home alone with our one year old. It was awful, and i was kind of mad. I was mad at my doc who told him that the next day i would feel GREAT, and mad at him for beleiving the guy. I am reminded of a story my mom told me. A woman was hospitalized for meningitis, and the day she was released, her husband took off to a football game with the excuse that the tickets were already paid for. He dropped her off at her mothers. Needless to say, her mother was and still is fuming.
Personally I think this is just part of being a woman. We are the nurturers and the caregivers, not men. Most men can't handle having to care for someone who is sick like that.Sometimes I think it's just a woman's lot to be the strong one and to take care of everyone and not expect anyone to care for us when we are sick. It's a rare man who is strong and mature and caring enough to want to be there and tend to his woman when she's sick. I worked with a woman who was diagnosed with MS, then a few months later, her son got very very ill from a severe allergic reaction, and her husband said it was just too much so he packed a back and stayed with his mother for a few weeks until his son got better. That's just how a lot of men are. It sucks, but there it is.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 08:32 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: what to do???

You are right...There are some men who are care givers but most don't. I will be honest and admit that I wouldn't know how to carry for a sick wife. I would not leave her do to it but I would find other ways such as like this guy is doing. I would house work, work a little extra or get a second job to cover bills, or what ever may be needed.

In a way that is helping out a lot so the wife can get some rest. These may seem little but to man it is a lot. He is caring for kids, a house, working alot, ect.

Last edited by eightball61; 06-13-2004 at 08:33 AM.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 04:19 PM   #11
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syndyhall HB User
Re: what to do???

thanks for all of your responses. This is an awesome board.

 
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