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Old 06-12-2004, 09:41 PM   #1
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SweetPuff HB User
Can't let Go

Ok, I started seeing this guy 2 1/2 years ago. At first he was madly in love with me, but my heart still belonged to my ex. Although I never cheated on him, I just couldn't give him my full heart and soul. He put up with a lot emotionally for a few months (like me going to see my ex off before he went to war and talking to him on the phone when he called from overseas, telling him I loved him). Now...I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I couldn't live with something happening to him and him not knowing that I Loved and cared about him. We had a long (7yrs on and off) relationship. Finally, when he got back from overseas I told him I couldn't tell him I loved him anymore and I moved on (inside) with the new guy. In the meantime, this guy had opened up his own business for the first time. I saw him pretty much everynight, but then he got tired most nights and would just sleep 1/2 the time. Finally in Nov he told me something was missing. Before he always said it wasn't me, but he was just tired. We held on until March when we finally broke up. I cried my heart out and so did he, but he didn't know what else to do. In the last 3 months there has probably been a total of a week (not consecutive days) that we haven't talked. We talk everynight and say I love you, but that's about it. I have seen him only a few times and we ended up having sex two of those times. One time I dropped by his house and it was like being with him for the first time all over again. The other time he actually asked me to come see him b/c he was sick...but then it ended up leading to that...not pure physically though...otherwise I definately wouldn't go there. So..my problem is, I am just completely confused. His business is really stressing him out and his partner (cousin) isn't happy with how things are running so his coming in to "run" things. My ex isn't happy about that and he's scared of loosing everything he's worked so hard for. So...I understand all of that and I understand why he feels so terrible... what I don't understand is how he can say he loves me..but that he's just not ready to see me right now. I don't have to be with him everyday like we used to be. Just seeing him once would get me through the week. I have never been so heartbroken over someone. I can hardly talk about it to anyone w/out getting upset. I feel so broken, but in my heart I feel like it's going to work out and I don't want to give up. He loved me so much before and always said how right we were together and he didn't give up on me when I was having a hard time getting over my first ex. The difference is, atleast during that time I was with him. Now it's been over 3 months w/out him, but I'm still hanging on. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm almost 27 and I want so much to marry him, start a family, etc.. I don't have to have all that right now...but I'd like to atleast have my boyfriend back. The kicker...back in Nov he told me the C-mas before he was going to propose, but he didn't think I'd say yes. Truthfully I wasn't ready then and now I'd say yes in a heartbeat. It also bothers me now that he's going out with his friends more and staying out late. This was mostly right when we first broke up, but it still happens. I am 100% sure he hasn't been with any other girls in anyway whatsoever...but I guess it bothers me b/c I want to be with him and part of his life.
We were so perfect together and I'm dying inside hoping we still have a chance. I know he doesn't want me to give up on him..and not just b/c he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. I'm not sure if he even knows why he's feeling this way.
Anyone on the same page?

 
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Old 06-13-2004, 06:24 AM   #2
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Can't let Go

I hung on with a guy who I would have given my soul up for for years. Got together, broke up, got together loved him forever & ever. It never quite got to marriage. I wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, we broke up, dated others, got back together - -
Well we were kinda "on" again at age 34 when I met
The Right Guy.
Took me two seconds to realize that feelings were feelings, but the Right Guy is the one you don't waffle back and forth about for years.

Me & the RG were married 10 months later and we've been married almost 15 years!

 
Old 06-13-2004, 07:20 AM   #3
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Re: Can't let Go

I have been going through something similar lately, but this man and yourself have a stronger history and seem to know one another better. Still, your ex bf said point blank that he was'nt ready to "see/date" you again. That's all I would need to be told. He still seems willing to sleep with you, so I guess it is up to you, whether you want to continue sleeping with him, not knowing if he will ever come around, giving him the power here, and feeling this miserable while you hang in limbo. Why should he commit to getting back together with you if you are giving him everything that you gave him while *IN* the relationship...and then he can resume the freedom to do whatever he wants? It's a win-win for him. The next time he says, I'm sick, come over...I would say, "Why? I'm not your girlfriend. I'm sure there's someone else you can call." You are *NOT* his girlfriend in his mind, so don't act as if or tell yourself that you are. In the end, if you don't get back together, you will only be hurt by the things you've erroneously allowed yourself to believe. He won't be...he has not allowed himself to believe anything differently than what he has stated.

On a more philosophical note, you said that you desperately loved your old bf and now you are crazy about this one. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about things, but have you ever tried going it alone? Constants are comforting but that does'nt mean they are good. I think that a lot of women (men too) get easily addicted to drama if something else is lacking in their lives, or if there is something else in their lives that they are trying to avoid. They use that source of drama...usually a boyfriend...to side step the other problem. To ultimately be successful in this, they must focus on the new source of drama 100%. This takes every ounce of their energy that they have. Eventually to be without, they don't know what to do with themselves or where to funnel all that engergy. They go through a withdrawal, because the only thing that will return them to their own version of normal--which is actually high anxiety--is more drama. These men might be stand ins for other hurts in your life that were never addressed.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 08:05 AM   #4
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Re: Can't let Go

Thanks for the responses. Actually I've been fortunate to have a good life w/no other big hurts. I am ok being alone and I have plenty of work to do, etc.. but I really miss spending time with him. We never broke up once during the 2.5 yrs (unlike the other guy) and we never considered it. I know it may not have been the best idea to sleep with him, but I could honestly tell you the first time he looked at me as if he'd never seen me naked before. I could tell his heart was in it and I hoped he'd realized how much he missed me. I would never let it get to the point where I just went over there, let him have it and left w/out being his girlfriend again. He is too much of a good guy to do that to me anyway. I know he misses me and I know he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.. I just can't figure out why he can't atleast see me a few times a week. Work is one thing, but if he can go out with the guys he has time to be with me.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 08:34 AM   #5
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Re: Can't let Go

I'll give you a male point of view.He waited 2 yrs. for you to treat him as good as he treated you.Most men wouldn"t.Imagine how he felt to love you so much and to see you give your heart to another guy.That can strain any relationship.The fact is the other guy"s gone and the one who was always there for you isn"t at your calling.
Tell him how you feel about him,stay away from the other guy{if he"s still at war ,when he comes back,he will seek you out}. After all you"ve been showing feelings for him for 2 yrs, while seeing someone else.
Give it time,It might be to late.You might have to prove yourself to him that you"ll be a commited person.Just because you didn"t physically cheat on him ,doesn"t mean you didn"t emotionally.
If the relationship does end, you might want to clear your head of everyone,before starting another.Find out why you wanted to have a relationship if your heart wasn"t in it.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 02:00 PM   #6
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SweetPuff HB User
Re: Can't let Go

Thanks RG.
He did go through a lot waiting for me, and I would not have done the same at the time. I let the other guy go completely last May. He finally started seeing someone else so I guess I felt less guilty then. So really it was just a year/ year1/2 of the time. But...you are right...I am sure it affected things. I think now had I just given him my heart I'd be married by now and things would be fine...but I shouldn't think about what could have been. I have told him I know how he felt before b/c I feel that way now...and I hope he can deal with my tears and letters like I did his. The difference is atleast we were together when he was going through it all. The reason I was in a relationship with him to begin with was we went on a blind date. The other guy and I were "off" at the time. The other guy came home that weekend and decided I was suddenly his girlfriend. So..I was just going to be friends with the new guy, but of course it led to more than that. It took me 6months to break it off with the old guy even though the new one was the only one I really saw the whole time. He treated me so much better, respected me, loved me like crazy, was fun, ambitious, etc... I knew he would never hurt me or be disloyal as the other guy had been over and over. (The other guy was my first love). So...I knew this guy was much better for me and a good catch...my heart was just afraid to let go of the old guy...I guess just b/c of time and memories and comfort.
So...that's where I stood..or stand.
Should it not work out I definately don't want to see anyone else for awhile until I know I can move on.
But, there is this part of me like he told me in the beginning...there is a reason we were set up and met and I hope one day I'll find out that reason. If nothing else I know that I deserve to be treated better than the first guy treated me and there are guys out there who will love me as I should be loved...but I hope so so so so much that it's not over for us. I just can't imagine not being with him and I have never ever felt so strongly about something. Most people think I am a gorgeous girl with everything going for me...guys are knocking at my door and all I want is this guy. I'd be happy living in a box with him.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 03:10 PM   #7
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realguy HB User
Re: Can't let Go

Tell him.If it doesn"t work out,at least you know how you want to be treated in a relationship.The bars been raised.Tell him that you didn"t know how to be in a relationship.
You had nothing to compare to if he was your first love.Tell him that.Even if it doesn"t work out (he"s probably scarred to commit),at least you will know you told him.Good luck.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 10:18 PM   #8
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DoOoOoM HB User
Re: Can't let Go

You didn't treat this guy fair enough in the beginning and so he left. Trust me it's for the best, especially for him.

Last edited by Dr_DoOoOoM; 06-13-2004 at 10:21 PM.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 05:23 AM   #9
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Can't let Go

That is pretty good advice from others.

But, don't complicate the issue here. Maybe he just fell out of love with you the way you fell out of love with your first ex. Is that so difficult for you to understand or it is just difficult for you to accept?

And he is trying to let you off easy the way you did with your first ex.

You should just move on.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 06:23 AM   #10
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SweetPuff HB User
Re: Can't let Go

Well, I actually saw him last night. I told him once I missed him and he said he missed me to. I asked him last night if he meant it and he said yes. I also asked if he wanted me to give up and he said no. He knows it's my decision, and I don't want to give up so if he doesn't want me to in his heart I'm not going to. He doesn't want me to try so hard, but he still loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. He still says it may all work out, he just doesn't know when. I can tell when I'm in his arms that he still loves me. The biggest thing is he is just so stressed out it is bringing him down. I will wait as long as he will let me.
..I actually did treat him wonderfully from the start (except for still having comfort feelings for the old guy). He has always told me and anyone else that he couldn't ask for anything more.
So has anyone ever waited for someone for a long time?
Perhaps the old saying is true and good things come to those who wait.....and love is worth fighting for?!?!?!?!?!

 
Old 06-14-2004, 08:20 AM   #11
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Re: Can't let Go

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetPuff
So has anyone ever waited for someone for a long time?
Perhaps the old saying is true and good things come to those who wait.....and love is worth fighting for?!?!?!?!?!

Its not a bad thing to wait for someone for a long time but its hard to predict the future and you have no way of nowing that those feeling will remain the same.

I alawys tell people don't lose out on any opportunity. If one comes up while you are waiting then take it. Don't wait on something that you can't predict but its good to know if you get that person or not...Goodluck

 
Old 06-14-2004, 06:45 PM   #12
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soulster HB User
Re: Can't let Go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I hung on with a guy who I would have given my soul up for for years. Got together, broke up, got together loved him forever & ever. It never quite got to marriage. I wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, we broke up, dated others, got back together - -
Well we were kinda "on" again at age 34 when I met
The Right Guy.
Took me two seconds to realize that feelings were feelings, but the Right Guy is the one you don't waffle back and forth about for years.

Me & the RG were married 10 months later and we've been married almost 15 years!
Hey Ruth,

Do you feel that this first guy is your soulmate over your husband? And if so, do you still keep in touch with him and if you dont, how do you handle day to day life without him in the picture at all? Sorry to sound nosey, just curious.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 06:59 PM   #13
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Can't let Go

The guy I was talking about I met back in 1978 or so. After I got married I sent him a birthday card and Christmas card until the year that he sent me a short note telling me he had gotten married. I basically just quit cold turkey at that point. I haven't spoken to him or contacted him since. Have to respect the marriage thing if the partner doesn't choose to deal with people from the past. My husband didn't have the same problem, but I respect this guy's marriage & his wife's wishes above anything else.
The odd thing about your question is that this guy was NOT the man that I would call my true soulmate.
Just because I loved him, plus had a true chemical attraction to him, didn't make him my soulmate. Sounds strange I know.
(Keep in mind that I was single from the time I left home at age 19 until I was 35... I probably dated more in those years than people who get married younger. I can say that I have truly loved 3 men in my lifetime - but only one was truly the right one for me.)
I DO still keep in loose touch with my soulmate - it's been almost 30 years.
He had many issues - alcoholism, adoption scars, possessiveness, rage, etc. It was possible to love him, but not to be with him. I lasted 3 years and probably should have gotten out before that.
I still know when he needs me, we connect on a spiritual/metaphysical level that I have never experienced with anyone else.
Hope I haven't gone on too long, I hate to hijack a thread!!!

 
Old 06-14-2004, 07:38 PM   #14
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Re: Can't let Go

Okay, thanks Ruth for your response. Hmmm, I was wondering what you define as soulmate... is it "the love of your life"? Ive heard that there are people who meet their soulmates, but wind up with someone else at the end. And also, if you are still keeping in touch with him... how so... do you guys just talk every once in a while. like once a month on the phone, email, or do you meet him as well? And does your husband know that he is what you feel is your soulmate or does he sense it? Again, sorry for sounding nosey.

Last edited by soulster; 06-14-2004 at 07:40 PM.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 10:08 PM   #15
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Re: Can't let Go

I find this whole "soulmate" issue very intriguing. Why is it that we, women, usually manage to find our "soulmate" in some selfish excuse for a man with a multitude of problems, who treats us like crap for the most part? Why? I met my "soulmate" when I was almost 21 and it was really "love at first sight" for me. It never went away either (until recently). We were breaking up and getting back together quite a few times over the years. And yes, I too, had this "cosmic" connection with him, where I would just know when he's going to call or if something is wrong, etc. I loved the dude to pieces and was pretty much willing to give up my life for him. But what about him, this "soulmate" of mine? Ha, he was just a selfish bas*ard, with lots of good tear jerking stories and a killer smile. Whenever he needed me, I was always there for him, at the drop of a hat. And where was HE, when I needed him? Very simple. He could usually be found engaging in one of the following activities: 1. drinking beer with his buddies; 2. on an exotic SINGLES vacation from ClubMed, or 3. visiting his mother in Florida. He could disappear for prolonged periods of time, only to resurface again when he was sick, bored, or depressed. Then he would immediately remember how much he "loved" me and missed me, and would use our "soulmate" status to persuade me to come over and take care of him. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that it's interesting how we almost inevitably find a soulmate in some god awful character who is too "complex" for his own good, but never in a decent, dependable, trustworthy guy who "has his ****** together." It puzzles me to no end. For once, I would love to feel that "cosmic connection" to a guy who I can also trust and count on whenever I need him, and who is simple and easy to interpret without having to refer to a psychiatric journal index. I wonder if that's at all possible.

 
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