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Old 06-13-2004, 02:15 AM   #1
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hairytim HB User
Not coming home when he promises to

I've been in a relationship with this guy for over 5 years now. We are very different. I'm the sort of person that is happy staying at home or going out to dinner or movies. He's the kind that likes to go to bars. I use to go to the bars with him but I don't drink or smoke and they play the music there so loud I can't even hear a conversation. I was just sitting there pretending to hear people talking. I got to where I could not stand it any more.

So every so often I'd agree to let him go to the bars by himself. He's had 2 heart attacks and is suppose to not smoke or drink. He'd go with his friends from work and promise to be home at a certain time. He never comes home when he says. I've actually driven around looking for him a few times and finding him drunk at the bar.

One time he calls me on the cell phone after I'd have driven everywhere looking for him and couldn't find him. He told me he could not make it home, that i'd have to come get him. I go to pick him up. I was frantic at this point thinking something had happen to him. I found him in his car unresponsive. I thought he had a heart attack. I slapped his face a few times and got very little response. I screamed at him, and yelled should I call 911. I put my head to his chest to see if it I could hear his heart. After more slapping I managed to get him in my car and took him home. I was very upset.

He told me the next day that when I called to talk to him and he told me that he was coming home, that he really just turned off the phone and went to some coworkers house and they Drank a lot and smoked pot.

That was the worst one up to tonight. He promised me he'd be home at 12 pm and he was goinig to a BBQ work party. I called him on the cell phone at 11pm and he said he'd leave in an hour and be home at 1am. This made me angry. It's now 3:06 AM and I've tried calling him again and again on the cell phone. He's not answering. So either he's passed out there at the party or he's dead somewhere on the side of the road, or maybe he still driving home. I don't know. All I know is I can't sleep.

I don't want to paint a picture that he smokes pot all the time and Drinks. He doesn't. But when he does go out he doesn't come home and I really don't know what he's doing or where he is.

I really hate feeling this way. I'm gonna discuss us going our separate ways when or IF he comes home. I should not have to feel this way. And if he wants to go out and drink and do drugs he should be able to. He's a grown man. He just shouldn't be in a relationship with me.

I guess I really didn't want advise but someone to listen to me while I wait for this episode of my life to end.

Hairy
<yea, we are a gay couple>

 
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Old 06-13-2004, 03:55 AM   #2
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

It sounds like you're making a smart choice to go your spearate ways. If he drinks to get drunk, if he blacks out or has gaps in time, then I'd say he does have a problem. At best, he's terribly irresponsible and insensitive. He needs professional help. If he doesn't get it, he's not fit to be anyone's partner. Good Luck to you

 
Old 06-13-2004, 04:00 AM   #3
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DarlingIvy HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

That sounds almost exactly like my ex. Saying he'd be over in a little bit, then going to the bar and disappearing for hours. Finally I just did not want to take it anymore. And you shouldn't either. Your boyfriend has got a drinking problem, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. No matter how many promises he makes, his behavior is not going to change. Promising someone that you will be somewhere at a certain time and then not showing - over and over again - is just plain disrespectful. Don't keep putting yourself through this


Ivy

 
Old 06-13-2004, 04:11 AM   #4
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hairytim HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

It's 5:07 AM. He's home. He's not dead. He walked in, and said "come on, let's goto bed." I told him "no" and He said he's not in the mood to argue with me and he went to the back and to bed.

He Didn't even say "I'm sorry."

I feel terrible and used.

He didn't seem overly drunk when he came home. I guess he just chose to put me thru the ringer tonight and come home when he felt like it.

Guess I can go sleep on the sofa now.

Hairy

 
Old 06-13-2004, 04:23 AM   #5
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haleysmum HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

Hi Im sorry you are going through this My brother (also gay) is going through a similar thing.......Basically his guy wants his cake and eat it too and it sounds like yours does too ! Also it sounds like he is a real danger to himself.....Not only his health but if he is drink driving its just a matter of time before he kills himself or some other poor innocent soul ....I know how hard it is when you have a partner that likes to go out socialising and we just want to stay at home with our comforts....My partner is also a little that way....But not to the degree that yours sounds like....Maybe its time you give him an ultimatim ( you or the booze ) ....If not then it probably is time for you to move on and try and find someone more compatible to you...I hope it works out for you
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 06-13-2004, 04:45 AM   #6
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haleysmum HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

Hi I didnt see your second message till after I had posted mine....Just wanted to ask you has he always been this way or is this a reasonably new thing ? I think its terrible that he just waltzes in the door without so much as an excuse or apology.......It seems he doesnt care about you or your feelings Like I said previously give him the ultimatum or find someone that deserves your love and time......GOOD LUCK !
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 06-13-2004, 07:13 AM   #7
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

Your partner is alcoholic.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon meetings?

Also, you can love someone and still have to ask yourself -
"Am I better than this or what?"

 
Old 06-13-2004, 10:05 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

After being with someone for that long it is hard to leave but you need to make a choice here. Lets take a look: you don't have a ring on your finger, he doesn't come home when has to, he doing things that the doctors told him not to do, and he not getting any better.

Yes, he has a problem and do you want him to drag you down with it?? Try suggestioning for him to get help. I am thinking that may not work because he is allready not listening to his doctors and 2 heart attacks wasn't enough for a wake up call but ask him to seek a professional. If he declines then just go or set him a deadline and if he can't prove then you need to leave him. You are doing somthing for him by trying to help him and he needs to do something for you.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 12:08 PM   #9
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cinting HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

This sounds like my relationship with my ex. We were together off and on for 8 years, more on than off, and he loved to hang out with his friends and party. For a while when I was younger I didn't mind as bad, but as I got older and wanted to settle down and have a future it really bothered me. The last 2 years we were together we really weren't together. All I did was work and go home to be by myself, he came in whenever he wanted, usually drinking. I left him 2 years ago because I just could not put up with this lifestyle any longer. It sounds as if you need to make a decision if this is something you are willing to tolerate. You have a right to be happy and to be treated right. It's hard to do, especially when you care about the person your'e with, but I guess what helped me was the fact that I thought how could he care about me knowing I felt the way I did and still continue to do the things that upset me? Listen to your heart.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 02:50 PM   #10
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

AFter you get over the initial depressing period that comes with ending a relationship, you are going to be sooooooo glad to be rid of him!

 
Old 06-13-2004, 05:27 PM   #11
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syndyhall HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

if he promises you something, then he should stick to it. My hubby and i went through that. If he told my daughter he would read her a book and didnt do it, I explained to him that is imortant to her and eventually she will see you as a big dissapointment. If he told me he was going to be home at a certain time I expect him too. Obviusly he just doesnt care. either yoiu are going to have to help/fix him or you can move on. I am sorry, I know this sucks.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 07:43 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

A promise is a promise and they shouldn't be broken.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 08:50 AM   #13
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

Tell him you will no longer tolerate him getting drunk and coming home at the wee hours of the night. Tell him he either shapes up or you're out. Then stick to it. What an immature excuse for a man. You're right, you shouldn't have to put up with it. If you do, he might drive you to insanity or to a heart attack as well. Get rid of this loser.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 08:59 AM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Tell him you will no longer tolerate him getting drunk and coming home at the wee hours of the night. Tell him he either shapes up or you're out. Then stick to it. What an immature excuse for a man. You're right, you shouldn't have to put up with it. If you do, he might drive you to insanity or to a heart attack as well. Get rid of this loser.
Right one and he needs that choice Her or the Beer?

I wouldnt' choose booze

 
Old 06-15-2004, 12:25 AM   #15
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sabrinarose HB User
Re: Not coming home when he promises to

Thats so mean of him.

He is lacking respect for you and respect is VITAL in every relationship,without it,we have nothing.

My boyfriend and I are young so we both like to go out by ourselves here and there and were both ok with it because we trust each other and always have a call time set up.

The fact that he doesnt respect himself or care enough for himself to live a healthier lifestyle isnt good at all.

Hes had TWO HEART ATTACKS!!!!!Thats two wake up calls for him and he still hasnt learned.

Does he have low self esteem?

I know you probably love him but sometimes that isnt enough.

If he doesnt change his ways,you need to get out.

No guy should make you feel like this.Obviously your a very very caring,good hearted person and you need to find someone like you.

good luck,keep us posted

 
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