This topic comes up here often in many of the replies. I'm having trouble getting this and hoping some of you wiser posters here can help me. I understand what is being said, but I just can't 'get it'.
I always thought the one = the right one. I don't really get how they can't be one and the same. Seems to me if someone is not 'the right one' for you, then he's not 'the one' or your soulmate, or whatever term you choose. So how can he be your true love, but the wrong person for you to be with. Aren't we suppossed to be with the one we love? The whole concept of soulmates doesn't make sense to me, if we don't even get to be with that person.
I know for me, my true love will always be the one for me, right or wrong. I'll never be over him, and can't possibly understand how anyone else could be "the right guy" for me when they're not him. So if someone could please explain the difference between these two, maybe it would help.
I ask because I really wish I could get over this person, and I don't want to be hung up forever, so maybe if I understood better, I could approach my situation better.
I don't know, maybe it's cause I'm still younger (20's) or maybe cause I still think with my heart, and believe in following my heart, but I still think that the one and the right guy are suppossed to be the same person.
Hi Lisa - Yes, I know it can be confusing. I think it just depends on how you look at love. Some people think there's nothing wrong with marrying someone you don't really passionately love but are comfortable and compatible with. Others couldn't stand to be married to someone unless you had a burning passion for that person. I myself am a very passionate person, and maybe a little idealistic, but I could never think of marrying someone unless I wasn't extremely sexually attracted to him, had a great deal of physical as well as emotional chemistry, and who was also my very best friend and was worthy of my trust and love and friendship. I want the whole deal. Hmmm... this may explain why I'm still single!!! LOL! just kidding. While I do think that love isn't enough, i.e., it's possible to really love someone you don't even really like very much. Have you ever had that happen to you? But I do think it's possible to have someone who's your best friend as well as someone who still curls your toes. To me, that's realy love. I don't know if it exists for everyone. I know not everyone gets to end up happy. I think some people are so scared of ending up alone, they settle for marrying someone they don't really really love crazy. But that just wouldn't do for me. I want nothing less than love. When I think of the marriage I want I think of Paul and Linda McCartney. For over 30 years they were partners in every sense of the word and constantly together. But by the same token, they weren't just hot for each other. They were best friends, had a great deal of respect for each other as professionals, as people, as friends, they held many of the same religious and political views. Not everyone gets to have this, but for me marrying for anything less would be settling, and a waste of time.
I think it's a very complicated question to answer. I understand your question because it's been in my mind a lot lately.
You forgot to mention the right time too... sometimes when the right guy comes your way it's not the right time... and you miss him because you were not able to see him... does it make sense? LOL
To explain a little bit better: last year I lost one of my best friends in the world. He died in an accident, so it was a big shock and no one expected it... From that moment it became really hard for me to get attached to people because I was (and still am) afraid of getting too attached and lose them later... because it hurted so much.
Then I met this incredible guy. He is everything I could ask for... I think he's the type of guy that I would always wished to date... he's kind... he's sweet... and he likes me the right way you know? But... at the same time I met this bad boy... and we quickly became like best friends... he did try to hook up with me but not in the same way, I know he just wanted to get laid... and I didn't care... After a lot of thinking I understood it all... you know why I didn't care? Because I knew that was the most far I could get with him... because I don't think I'm ready to go any way right now with anybody... and I know that I could fall in love with Guy Nº 1... and I don't think I'm ready for that.... It was impossible for me to fall in love with Guy Nº2... I was safe with him...
End of the story? Guy Nº 1 became a good friend to me... I was very honest with him and I let him go... I thought that was the most fair thing to do, I didn't want him to think that we could get together with time (maybe we can, but I cannot say it'd be in a month or a year!)... we're friends but he knows that we are not going anywhere... I explained him that right now in my life I don't want the same things he wants (once he told me he was ready to meet his future wife and I freaked out! Then, he told me that I was one of the best people he knows! I kept asking him how he could say such a thing if he doesn't really know me!) Right now he's moving on and he just hook up with someone from his school... they're not an item yet but they've been going out. Do I get jealous of that? Maybe... because I know what I'm missing, but for some reason I don't think he's the right guy for me RIGHT NOW... maybe in a future or maybe he was the right guy for me a couple of years ago... but not right now... that's why I said the timing was also really important...
What did happen with Guy Nº 2? We keep fighting every time we talk... so lately we don't talk at all (you can read my story with him in previous posts...) I know he loves me... and I know he cares, but I just got tired LOL...
I'm sorry if this post is too long or too much blabling... I don't know if any of what I said makes any sense or even if it answers your question. I think that in my case I let go the right one because, right now I don't think he's the one... I care for him but I don't love him... so I let him go.
So I think I do believe in true love... but as the previous poster said: I also believe that passion is really important. It's like when you choose your career... it's what you're gonna do for the rest of your life, so you better be passionate for your choice, does it make sense? LOL
Let me think! I think I know how to answer your question: ** I think that a guy can be "the right one" but he may not be "THE" one. But I do believe that "THE" one is always right... he HAS to be the right one too... so if you're interested in someone and you think he's THE one but you also know he's not the right one... then maybe he's not the one at all... **
I better get out of here before I start blabbing agian LOL!
See ya!
SOL
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* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *
Last edited by solcita; 07-15-2004 at 07:37 PM.
Reason: typing
I think throughout life there may be a few people we meet who we feel are 'the one' at various points in our life.
Because we change and grow and develop, the person who we may be completely in sync with may be different than the person we'll be in sync with at 30, or 50, or 70yrs old.
We also have people who are 'the one' but we meet them at the wrong time, at a time we can't fully appreciate or develop the relationship. Sometimes we meet 'the one' at a time when they still need more expereinces to be who we need them to be.
My ex was 'the one' for me - my soulmate. We clicked instantly and continued to be deeply in love for years. Whereas I was at the point in life where i was able to be part of a team, he wasn't. He had never lived alone, balanced a checkbook, made a meal etc and couldn't really contribute causing a tremendous burden on me - which of course ended up ruining the relationship. We just weren't at the same point in llife, even though we were right for each other.
I think throughout life there may be a few people we meet who we feel are 'the one' at various points in our life.
Because we change and grow and develop, the person who we may be completely in sync with may be different than the person we'll be in sync with at 30, or 50, or 70yrs old.
We also have people who are 'the one' but we meet them at the wrong time, at a time we can't fully appreciate or develop the relationship. Sometimes we meet 'the one' at a time when they still need more expereinces to be who we need them to be.
I like the way you see the subject!
SOL
__________________
* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *
More on the theme of timing - I also had a guy I met years ago who could have been 'the one' for - we've always had a special bond.
However, when we first met he had issues with race and we couldn't be together. Then, he resolved some of his issues and was willing to be with me. However, by then, I was in a long term relationship and couldn't reciprocate. He told me that if I were single he would marry me THAT DAY and that he had waited for me for years.
Since then, we've lost touch and i've become single. It just seems like despite our bond, we just never seem to be at the point where we can get together.
This is a classic case of right person, wrong time.
I'm probably truly the guilty party when it comes to this topic here on the boards. And, by the way, when I was 20 I couldn't have imagined that it is possible to love, truly love, more than one person in a lifetime.
I'm 50 and I didn't get married until I was 35 for the first time.
When I was 19 I met the man was/is my "soulmate". A man so damaged by his childhood and his father, along with drug & alcohol addiction that even tho I love(d) him he could not sustain a healthy relationship. I was abused emotionally, mentally, emotionally & sexually. And yet by soulmate I'm talking about a connection beyond "love". More metaphysical, almost telepathic. I KNOW him. I don't understand it either by the way.
When I was 22 I met the man who had such a physical impact on me that I became almost obsessively in love with him. For years we got together, veered off, discussed marriage, and yet it never happened. Did I love him? Oh, yes! With every tingly nerve that I have in my body!! We were kind of "on" again when I was 34 and met...
my husband. And I knew, I KNEW with all of the experience my long dating life had given me that this man was something really really special in my life. Did I fall "in love" with him? Not exactly, I just love him with every single fiber of my being. I love who he is and I love that I am a separate person with my own sense of self that HE loves.
In love? Goofy obsessive can't live without ya you're my world love? Nah.
Its just both the most fun and most mature relationship I've ever been in.
Doesn't make sense I'm sure - I guess I believe that love just isn't the only thing that is important when it comes to the Right Person.
I hear what you're saying Sol, but aren't you afraid that if you don't go for it with Guy 1, you'll never get another chance? What if you never meet a guy as great as him for the rest of your life? Nowhere is it written that love will be a given, waiting there for you when you feel like going out there and grabbing it. Sometimes life doesn't wait, and sometimes life only gives you one chance at something. That's been my experience, at least. I only got one chance at love my whole life. I lived my life for years believing I'd find another chance, I'd get another opportunity, but it never came, and now it's too late. I agree with you that I wasn't ready for him. I was stupid, self-centered and terrified of my life going wrong. I loved him in a very selfish, fearful, faithless way. But now that I see where I went wrong and would do it so much better now, he's happily married to someone else. He made his mistakes too, but from what I've heard he's corrected them, and he seems to be the guy I always wished he'd be, and she gets to have him. It's a complicated question - if we were meant to be, then how could he have found happiness with someone else? If I was right for him, why couldn't he be this guy for me? Or if he wasn't the one meant for me, then who is? Why haven't I met him yet, now that my eggs are fast drying up and my buzzies are halfway to the floor (yikes!)? Or is there really no such thing as fate or "meant to be"? Maybe I had my chance and just screwed it up. If I'd been smarter faster I'd be the one happily married with a nice life now. Who knows. All I know is after 6 years of searching high and low and everywhere for someone coming up dry, I'm left with no other conclusion to draw but that I had my chance and blew it, now my punishment is a life of loneliness and misery and crying myself to sleep every night. Sometimes you've just gotta do what you gotta do, and forget being ready or it being the right time. That's just my take on it, though.
I hear what you're saying Sol, but aren't you afraid that if you don't go for it with Guy 1, you'll never get another chance? What if you never meet a guy as great as him for the rest of your life? Nowhere is it written that love will be a given, waiting there for you when you feel like going out there and grabbing it. Sometimes life doesn't wait, and sometimes life only gives you one chance at something.
Let's see... I adore him... he's a great friend, but I am not THAT attracted to him... I mean, he's a very good looking man, I cannot deny that, but... I just don't know... I hope I don't sound hallow... but... I don't know how to explain.
When I thought of this topic, I realized that I could lose my chance, but I'm not ready to give him the kind of relationship he wants and deserves, so I thought it'd be fair for him to go away and to try to find it somewhere else...
Do you know when you start liking someone and you don't care the differences between you and that guy? or maybe you don't even get to see them... Well, we do have differences, I do see them and they do matter to me... so I think that's a sign... What do you think?
Cya around!
SOL
__________________
* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *
I hear what you're saying Sol, but aren't you afraid that if you don't go for it with Guy 1, you'll never get another chance? What if you never meet a guy as great as him for the rest of your life? Nowhere is it written that love will be a given, waiting there for you when you feel like going out there and grabbing it. Sometimes life doesn't wait, and sometimes life only gives you one chance at something. That's been my experience, at least. I only got one chance at love my whole life. I lived my life for years believing I'd find another chance, I'd get another opportunity, but it never came, and now it's too late. I agree with you that I wasn't ready for him. I was stupid, self-centered and terrified of my life going wrong. I loved him in a very selfish, fearful, faithless way. But now that I see where I went wrong and would do it so much better now, he's happily married to someone else. He made his mistakes too, but from what I've heard he's corrected them, and he seems to be the guy I always wished he'd be, and she gets to have him. It's a complicated question - if we were meant to be, then how could he have found happiness with someone else? If I was right for him, why couldn't he be this guy for me? Or if he wasn't the one meant for me, then who is? Why haven't I met him yet, now that my eggs are fast drying up and my buzzies are halfway to the floor (yikes!)? Or is there really no such thing as fate or "meant to be"? Maybe I had my chance and just screwed it up. If I'd been smarter faster I'd be the one happily married with a nice life now. Who knows. All I know is after 6 years of searching high and low and everywhere for someone coming up dry, I'm left with no other conclusion to draw but that I had my chance and blew it, now my punishment is a life of loneliness and misery and crying myself to sleep every night. Sometimes you've just gotta do what you gotta do, and forget being ready or it being the right time. That's just my take on it, though.
Well I would say there are a lot of caring, nice, devoted guys out there that would probably love you to pieces... but I remember your first post here about wanting to be with someone who you would have a complete and total passion for... hmmm... that will probably be a bit harder to find... there are not too many of those kinda connections around.. but I really wish you the best of luck... Why does life have to be so difficult for some and so easy for others? Doesnt seem fair sometimes.
I don't think it's the matter of someone being "the right one" for you.
What matters is that you both are right for each other!
(meaning, you love each other, want to be together, and feel it is the best most important thing in the world.)
If you love him with all your heart and he loves you back with all his heart, this kind of talk is all academic.
This is common terminology used by people. It means whatever YOU want it to mean and how you see it. I believe that these 2 terms are linked together in several ways.
"The One" & "the right guy/girl" is used because you find a magic spark in that person that you never had with anyone else. This spark tells your body that this person is the one you have been looking for because of the similarities in character, emotions, and liking.
You can never tell when "the one" will come. People spend years in a relationship and come to a conclusion that this person is not the one. It doesn't matter what age you are because "the one " will come but it may take a lot of dating for it to happen.
To me "the one" is someone you know you want to be with for the rest of your life, someone you can see yourself growing old with. He is your best friend, confidant, lover, just someone you can share anything and everything with. You will know when he comes along.
The right guy, for me has always been someone who was right at that moment at it lasted for a little while but not someone who was "the one". They weren't somebody I felt comfortable sharing everything with and that was how I knew they weren't my "soulmate".
There is a big difference to me between "the one" and "the right one". I know that I have met "the one" and I know I can't be with him. In my mind, we're soul mates that just can't be together due to geography, life circumstances, and our life goals.
I honestly have never loved anyone as much or as unconditionally as I did "the one". The reason I call him "the one" is because of the deep connection I have with him on every level yet know that life won't allow us to be together due to reasons we can't control.
I have also met guys who could be considered "the right one" but they don't compare to "the one" because I don't have as deep as a connection and don't love them as much as I did "the one". They are "the right one" because they fit the characteristics I'm looking for in a mate but it's not quite as intense as "the one".
I'm kinda perplexed, too, as I have always thought along the same lines as you do. I am also of the opinion that true love=soulmate=the right person="the one" Your question actually reminds me a lot of a movie I saw with my boyfriend yesterday afternoon. I'm sure that you're familiar with it. It's called "The Notebook", and it was an excellent movie, in my opinion. It's focus was trying to answer this question, and I think it did it brilliantly. I cried at several points during the movie, and I absolutely wanted to bawl my eyes out at the end of it . I don't want to give it away, so I won't go into too much detail about it here.
I guess I shouldn't actually be posting to this thread, as I agree with you, but I just wanted to add something that might help you in your struggle with this question. In "The Notebook", there were two young people who were absolutely in love with eachother. One of these young people's parents didn't think the attachment was kosher, as one of them came from the wrong side of the tracks. So they spurned him, and convinced their daughter not to pursue anything with him. So their daughter ended up getting engaged to the man of her parents' choice (and that's not where it ends, don't worry... ). It sounds absolutely tragic, but it does shed some light on your question: In that scenario, their daughter had a true love, but her parents insisted that he was the "wrong person" for superficial reasons such as lack of money, etc. So maybe, when your friend talks about someone being her true love but the wrong person, she is really saying that she is very much connected to him/cares deeply about him, but she can't see past superficialities such as lack of money, etc., so she would never consider spending her life with him. What do you think?
this is a timely topic for me - my girlfriend and I are having serious issues and grappling with the 'one' issue as well. We met 7 months ago and told each other we were the 'one' for each other after maybe 6 weeks. And I am 33 yrs old ! She is 26...I still feel that way today, but she has naturally slipped away in that regard. With time, she has lost some of those feelings as she struggles with the sacrifices and responsibilities of commitment. Just this AM she told me that perhaps this was not our "time" - like someone was saying earlier - time does matter. When you meet a person can be just as important as all the other important elements.
We are staying together - but we need to repair so much now. We also live together and the pressure and stress has been just painful as so much goes under the microscope and when you just don't know each other that well, it can really fall apart as hurtful things are said.
The right person is based on time and the general qualities - but it is also something that has to be realized over a long period of time. Don't rush it
Wow, this is getting more and more confusing. And there's so many replies before I even get a chance to respond.
Maybe I wasn't clear, or maybe I'm not following everything that is being said. I'm not sure. But here's my situation. I was involved with this guy, and I know he is the only one for me. I loved him (and still do) with all my heart and soul. As far as I'm concerned feeling that strong for someone is once in a lifetime. I can't believe it possible to have all that for anyone else ever again. I just know I won't.
But I had to walk away, cause I guess it wasn't the best relationship. There was no abuse, just alot of mind games, lies, and hurting going on. He basically just beat down my mind, and left me to always think it's something wrong with me.
But all the bad aside, he was just perfect for me. If you look past the games, and look to the inside of him, he wasn't so bad. But for whatever reason he didn't want to be the person he really is inside, he'd rather just play his games.
But he's still the one I love, and always will, so the part I don't get is how can someone else be the 'right guy' for me, when someone else isn't him?
Maybe I understand how the one may not be right for you, but I can't get how the right one can not be the one? Does that make sense? But I guess it can't really make sense, because the whole sentence is kindda contradictatory, isn't it? So does that mean I'm wrong about everything and he's not even the one, like I thought? Or he is the one, and he's the one who messed it up and denying us our fate?
Well I would say there are a lot of caring, nice, devoted guys out there that would probably love you to pieces... but I remember your first post here about wanting to be with someone who you would have a complete and total passion for... hmmm... that will probably be a bit harder to find... there are not too many of those kinda connections around.. but I really wish you the best of luck... Why does life have to be so difficult for some and so easy for others? Doesnt seem fair sometimes.
Well, first of all, I went on a blind date with a guy who met me at a restaraunt and hadn't put our names on the list. I said why don't we go ahead and do so, he said, no we'll just eat in the bar. 40 minutes later the waitress told us they don't serve dinner in the bar, so we were then forced to put our names on the list, and wait another hour. He then leered at me and told me I had very nice breasts, then told me he was freaking out because I had told him my hair was dark brown, but he thought it was closer to black and it reminded him of his ex fiance and I should have told him it was black and not just brown. Then he told me about his first sexual experience when he and his cousin took turns with the same girl. Then he asked me to describe my personality and would I consider myself stubborn. I said I did have a bit of a stubborn streak (just being honest) and he muttered "you just blew that one" I said "excuse me?" and he said "oh, that's interesting." Another guy I knew was interested in me romantically and he wanted to buy me a drink, but I'm sort of old fashioned and I don't let men buy me dinner or drinks unless I've spoken to them and gotten to know them and it's an actual date, which this wasn't. They didn't serve juice or tea at the bar we were in so we went down the street to the drug store and I took a bottle out of the fridge and he grabbed it and twisted it out of my hand and through clenched teeth said "I"M BUYING YOU A DRINK!!" This is the type of man I always seem to meet. Now, these may be your idea of caring, nice, devoted guys, but I'm sorry, it's not mine. I suppose you think this makes me spoiled and picky. But this goes back to what I was saying before about what you're looking for and what you decide to settle for. I think you're absolutely right about one thing. The kind of love that Paul and Linda McCartny had, the kind of love that Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash had, no, there are not too many of those kinda connections around. But to me, that's what true love is. Not necessarily a burning all-consuming passion, but a connection so deep that your souls mold together. Not everyone gets to have that. Some people decide that security, having a warm body, any old warm body, to come home to, is good enough, so they decide to love someone and have amarriage that is something less than that connection. But I'm just not wired that way. I could never share my life, my home, my dreams, my fears, my bathroom, my bed, with someone that I didn't feel a real connection with, someone who was my best friend, as well as my lover. I just don't see the point in settling for less than what my heart yearns for just so I can say I'm married and have a husband and have a man there to help pay bills. I guess you could say that it's my own fault that I'm alone because I can't force myself to settle for a man that I don't feel that sort of love for, and maybe you're right. But I think it's more fair for me to be alone and sad and yearning for what I want than it would be for me to marry a man I didn't love and end up resenting the hell out of him and making his life and my life miserable. I wouldn't want to do that to myself or some poor guy.
But he's still the one I love, and always will, so the part I don't get is how can someone else be the 'right guy' for me, when someone else isn't him?
Maybe I understand how the one may not be right for you, but I can't get how the right one can not be the one? Does that make sense? But I guess it can't really make sense, because the whole sentence is kindda contradictatory, isn't it? So does that mean I'm wrong about everything and he's not even the one, like I thought? Or he is the one, and he's the one who messed it up and denying us our fate?
I get what you're saying, Lisa. I feel the same way about my ex. It sounds like your ex was emotionally abusive, at least to some degree. Mine was, too. The bad times I could have done without, but the good times, I have never in my life been closer to another human being before or since. I trusted him and confided in him and felt I could be myself around him like no one else. I felt accepted by him in a way I had never been accepted, I felt a part of this world in a way I never had before. But obviously he wasn't the one for me because he married someone else and by all accounts is happy. Sometimes he really hurt me, and my self esteem was damaged to the point where I had to see a shrink after he left me to get back to sort of being the person I was before I met him. So logic would say this guy was not the one I was supposed to end up with. So why is it that I lived more in the two years I was with him than in all the other 37 years I've been on this earth put together, after six years I still can't get him out of my heart? I don't know. I know there were lessons I was supposed ot learn, but for whom? Why did I go through that if there's never going to be someone else to come along and benefit from all the wisdom I gleaned from the last relationship? I don't know. Who really knows why some people just get lucky and find their soulmate, why some decide to settle for comfort and security without love or passion and have to take those new female arousal pills just to be able to make love with their spouse, and why some end up alone. I think all we can really do is do our very best to learn the lessons, strive to be the best person we can possibly be, keep our hearts open and pray that God will smile on us and send us someone we can love.
I think you misunderstood me... I am not saying that there is something wrong in waiting for Mr. right.... to fall inlove, have a deep connection, beleiving in "soulmates"... I was just going by what you said earlier about wanting the passion and connection with someone... and by passion I didnt mean swinging on the chandeliers type thing.. just the passion that comes along with being with someone you have a deep connection with ... everyone is different and has different needs. But what I dont understand is why do some people find the one and get to be with them, others find them- cant be with them and morn the rest of their lives away, yet others never find them at all??? What if there is no such thing and we are all just making a fool out of ourselves
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. I don't want to give it away, so I won't go into too much detail about it here. 
