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Old 08-03-2004, 01:58 PM   #16
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Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

SophiaM-
I know you have posted about how your clock is ticking, etc. and that you haven't found the right guy. Have you thought about adopting?

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:02 PM   #17
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letfayhol HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
What are the pros and cons of waiting till your mid to late 30s to marry and start having children? What are your opinons and experiences on this issue? I suppose it has more meaning for women, becasue men, as we all know, can father kids on their deathbeds--lucky ba*stards. Ok, type away! I am VERY curious to read your responses.

Okay I will respond to this... By the time I am 40 I will have a son who is 21 and my daughter will be 17...
I am an active healthy mother who enjoys her children. I run and play, I swim with them, ride dirt bikes with them, wrestle on the ground, play hide and seek etc... It is MY experience that older parents tend to WATCH their children play and younger parents JOIN the play. I know this is not the case for EVERYONE, but it is MY experience.
However, I do feel that older parents are more wise and finacial stable than the younger ones IF and I repeat IF the young parents are not ready to SETTLE down and actually be parents and raise their children and not party every night of the week.

I figure this way... I may be young and tied down with 2 little chldren, but by the time I am 40 I will have my family raised (for the most part) and 40 is still young and I can begin MY life and think of MYSELF then and not until then...

My mom will agree... She had 3 children by the time she was 21. She was married, a stay at home mom, and raised her children very well. She was a patient and playfull mother. She is now very close to her 3 boys.
She then had me when she was 38 (the boys were 17, 18 and 20) she started a new family with ME... My mom was a good mom, but she nevr did much WITH me... All my needs were met, she listened and was wiser in what I should or shouldn't do, but I did not and do not have the same relationship with her that my brothers do. Also, she was a fun lively grandma to their kids when they were born... She was a grandma in her early 40s (still young) and now she has my kids she is a grandma to, and she doesn't and can't do NEAR as much as she use to...
I kind of feel shafted...

That's just my experience... Not that I am saying that is how it is for all families...

 
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Old 08-03-2004, 02:11 PM   #18
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Keplicas2 HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destea
Personally, I am 23 years old. For as long as I can recall, I've wanted nothing more than to start my own family and be a mother - a wife, and eventually a grandmother.

I'm not a terribly social-party goer, I never really have been, and 7 times out of 10 don't enjoy being that. I'm a carer, a nurturer - and a giver. While I enjoy going out occassionally with friends, meeting up for BBQs, and doing the general friend-type-things, I'd much perfer to be home with a family of my own. Granted, I've found I'm pretty solo in those kind of desires at my age

Generally - my ideal would be to be wed by 26, and have my first child at 28. I'd like to be DONE having children by the time I'm 30. But not for the typical "So I can have them out of the house when I retire" though I think that's an added bonus, but also because I want to enjoy grandchildren, and possibly even GREAT grand children in my time. I want to be young enough to be able to really ... connect on a level with my child. My mother was young, and I've grown up with several friends who had parents who had them in their 30's, and they didn't generally have the same connection or closeness that I have with my mother.

I'd like to be still somewhat "cool" in what my kids are into, as well as able to keep up with the fast track, and not push a walker down their college graduation LOL.

I want to be a young parent, but above all else, I want to enjoy familyhood as long as I can manage...

I feel the same way as you and I`m only 20!

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:15 PM   #19
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
SophiaM-
I know you have posted about how your clock is ticking, etc. and that you haven't found the right guy. Have you thought about adopting?
Oh, NO, not at all! I am way too young for that. I just turned 32 a couple of months ago. To be honest, my clock is not really ticking that loud, but some of my family members and some friends make me feel this way. I am only worried "just in case," because when I'm finally ready to have children, it might be too late. But adopting right now is out of the question. I can't even afford it financially, nor would I make a good single mother. I tend to get overwhelmed when the situation is tough and having a supportive husband before i have kids is a must. I am not compromising on that one. I am very healthy, in great shape, and look/feel young, so hopefully it won't be a problem, but just wanted to see what other people think on this subject. I would only adopt if I was over 40 and still single.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:19 PM   #20
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Karla HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

I got married right out of H.S. and got pregnant right away after getting married. I had 3 boys by the age of 21. Right after I had my third one I went to college and got a degree and then after I graduated my husband went to college and got a degree. We did things a little backwards but I would not have done anything differently. Now our oldest are almost 19 and our youngest is 15. I can't wait until they are out of the house. We will still be young enough to enjoy life and watch our grandchildren grow up.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:24 PM   #21
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by letfayhol
Okay I will respond to this... By the time I am 40 I will have a son who is 21 and my daughter will be 17...
I am an active healthy mother who enjoys her children. I run and play, I swim with them, ride dirt bikes with them, wrestle on the ground, play hide and seek etc... It is MY experience that older parents tend to WATCH their children play and younger parents JOIN the play. I know this is not the case for EVERYONE, but it is MY experience.
However, I do feel that older parents are more wise and finacial stable than the younger ones IF and I repeat IF the young parents are not ready to SETTLE down and actually be parents and raise their children and not party every night of the week.

I figure this way... I may be young and tied down with 2 little chldren, but by the time I am 40 I will have my family raised (for the most part) and 40 is still young and I can begin MY life and think of MYSELF then and not until then...

My mom will agree... She had 3 children by the time she was 21. She was married, a stay at home mom, and raised her children very well. She was a patient and playfull mother. She is now very close to her 3 boys.
She then had me when she was 38 (the boys were 17, 18 and 20) she started a new family with ME... My mom was a good mom, but she nevr did much WITH me... All my needs were met, she listened and was wiser in what I should or shouldn't do, but I did not and do not have the same relationship with her that my brothers do. Also, she was a fun lively grandma to their kids when they were born... She was a grandma in her early 40s (still young) and now she has my kids she is a grandma to, and she doesn't and can't do NEAR as much as she use to...
I kind of feel shafted...

That's just my experience... Not that I am saying that is how it is for all families...
I understand what you're saying about having your life back to yourself when your kids are grown and you're only 40. Definitely a great benefit to that. however, I disagree with the part of not having the energy to play with a child when you're in your mid to late 30s. Come on, early to mid 30s is the prime of one's life! I'm in much better shape and stronger now than when I was 20. I don't think in 3 or 5 years I will all of a sudden start acting like some handicapped old lady. I will still have PLENTY of energy to play with my kids.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:35 PM   #22
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
however, I disagree with the part of not having the energy to play with a child when you're in your mid to late 30s. Come on, early to mid 30s is the prime of one's life! I'm in much better shape and stronger now than when I was 20.


Physically at 20 you are in better shape then mid 30's but mentally you have a better mind set on life and priorities at that age. I would love to have a child at 22 but mentally I am no where's ready and finacially not either. I rather get my schooling and other things like buying a house out of the way so when I am 30 or 32 then I will be a little more relax and settle to pay attention to my child.

Both of my parent had me and my older sis young. They had her at 18 and me at 20 or 21. My father didn't get to pay much attention because he was out working to support us. They had another child when they were 37 or 38. To me thats a little to old but my dad was able to spend more time with his second daughter. I don't hold it against him because he had to do what he had to do but for me I want to spend time rather than scrounge.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:40 PM   #23
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

...and then there's adolescence when you're close to 50!!
Aaaaaaargh!!

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:41 PM   #24
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Some people are in better shape when they're 20, but some aren't. I've seen a lot of overweight 20-year-olds, even teenagers. My sister is 24 but I'm in much better shape than she is. It's not about age--it's about how you take care of yourself, which personally is very important to me. I don't want to let myself go just because I"m 30. there's no excuse for that, in my opinion. But you're right about the fact that you're usually more emotionally ready to be a parent whey you're in your 30s.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:44 PM   #25
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
...and then there's adolescence when you're close to 50!!
Aaaaaaargh!!
LOL, LOL, I've met people like that! My first boyfriend is now 43 and acts worse than a 20-year-old. Some people just never grow up! Well, it's kind of sad and pathetic, actually.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:49 PM   #26
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
But you're right about the fact that you're usually more emotionally ready to be a parent whey you're in your 30s.

I still live at home and I am glad my parents had my little sister 7 years ago. It has taught me a lot about parenting and to be honest I am not ready for that responsibility. Some people are at my age and I am proud that they are but I know what I am ready for and if I don't have the patients or get easily annoyed over younger children at this point then I am not ready to be a parent. I do hope someday I am because I don't want to continue being annoyed. I want to love a child of my own rather than hate it because it doesn't listen.

Last edited by eightball61; 08-03-2004 at 02:49 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:51 PM   #27
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Well, actually I meant having an adolescent child when near 50 (and menopausal!) yourself!!

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:55 PM   #28
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Well, actually I meant having an adolescent child when near 50 (and menopausal!) yourself!!
Oh, sorry, I completely misinterpreted. Yes, I guess that's no fun. BUt on the other hand, might help the woman feel younger, no? Having an adolescent child is probably a pain in the butt at any age.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:59 PM   #29
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

I am blessed with the personality of Ghandi - until menopause hit.
I'm figuring I would have killed a teenager by now... (lol??)
And hey, the thread is going great! so much for your usual luck with them!

 
Old 08-03-2004, 03:11 PM   #30
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Late Bloomers--Pros an Cons of Starting a Family in your 30s

Coming in on this one late again (as usual) but it's interesting and I think I might be able to contribute something, so...

I think there are standard pros and cons that have already been mentioned, but really, I think when it comes to having children, your heart and your own personal relationship with God is what's most important. I'm 39, single and childless, and certainly not by choice. If I had my way I would have been married about 6 years ago and would have had my kids by now. But life had other plans for me. The man I wanted to marry didn't want to marry me, and despite my best efforts I haven't found anyone else yet. When I think of Helen Hunt who at 41 just had her first baby, and Courtney Cox who had her first at 40, it makes me feel like maybe I still have some hope, but I know my time is fast running out. I know the increased risks having a baby at my age, and I'm not crazy about the idea of pushing 50 and chasing around kindergardeners. I was talking to a friend about this just the other day and he said "well, maybe it's not God's plan for you to be married and to have kids." He may as well have said "well, maybe it's God's plan for you to kill yourself." I know I simply cannot live a happy, worthwhile life without a husband and kids (please, no replies about how I complete myself, I don't need a man to be happy, find meaning through volunteerism, blah blah blah, it will only fall on deaf ears). I don't know why I haven't gotten to be happy yet, but who knows? Maybe I won't get to meet my husband till I'm 40, and we won't get to have kids till I'm 41 or 42. I really don't plan on having kids past 40, though. If I do get married after 40 and my husband is agreed, I might consider adoption, but no matter how many kids I adopt, I know I will always have a sad, cold, empty hole in my soul if I never get to have kids of my own. It's something I want really badly, but it may not be in the cards for me. I cry myself to sleep every night because of it. But would it be selfish of me to have something I want so badly? Who's to say that if I have faith and take the risk and have a child at 41, that child might grow up to do great things in this world. I personally don't believe in fertility treatments, surrogacy, and all that stuff, but think of all the kids that are on this earth now because of those things. Are their lives mistakes? Is is wrong for those kids to exist? Are they not children of God, too? Geena Davis just had twins at 48. Should those kids not be here either? Only God can say. I think if your heart is telling you that you should be a mother, and you don't get the chance until your late 30s or so, you can weigh the pros and cons but the only thing you can really do is listen to your own heart and your faith, and do what they tell you to do.

 
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