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Old 08-03-2004, 09:48 AM   #1
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Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Where does one draw the line? My husband is extremely jealous & controlling, and it's driving me crazy. He has to hear from me at least several times an hour when I'm working (via email)....If I leave my office for an errand, and he hasn't heard from me, he thinks something is up. The other night I awoke at 3:00am to use the bathroom, instead of using the one in our room (so as not to disturb him), I used one off of our living room area. He came out and asked what I was doing and why I didn't use the bathroom in our room and swore something was going on and that it didn't make sense not to use our bathroom. We had a major fight over something like this and then his repeated name calling came into play. When we disagree, he will use the name calling. The other night it was "pig", for something like not using the bathroom in our room? If I get home before him he needs to know what I wore to work that day (I dress super conservatively)...I guess the main thing I'm writing for advice here for is what would make a man obsess over things like this? and, swear that he loves me and couldn't live w/out me, but when he gets mad, calls me names? Is there something I'm missing as far as his constant looking at the ladies, but treating me like he's got to monitor what I'm wearing? I'm just getting very depressed over the insecurities and feeling like I'm walking on egg shells. We've been together for 5 years. I'm 39 and he's 50. What are your thoughts? I could give you a ton of other ridiculous things he's gotten mad at me for and resorted to the name calling....but what does it mean when someone acts like this when there's been nothing but loyalty? I appreciate your help.

 
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Old 08-03-2004, 09:56 AM   #2
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Yes, I'd say that is definetly controling and abusive.

Maybe he has something to hide so he figures that you must also? Has he always been like this during your whole relationship? When did he become this way?

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:05 AM   #3
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

He wasn't this bad when we met. He'd just say how much he loves me and just wants to take care of me, etc. etc. I just don't understand his constant looking and then how he'll tell me a particular suit I'm wearing is cut too low (when it's extremely conservative), it has to button somewhere. He'll comment that men will be trying to look down my top...again, I'm your average 40 year old woman...there's no prize here, which makes it even more baffling why he's this way. The name calling came in the very beginning and he keeps promising he will quit, but when he loses his temper, he holds nothing back. These words are something I haven't heard EVER in my entire life. I'm just not sure what I should do...nothing seems to stop him from doing it over and over and I've lost most of my confidence, if not all.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:13 AM   #4
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

I had an EX fiance just like that. He had to know where both me and my phone was at all times if I took the phone out of the room with me he would follow just incase I made or received a call. He knew it should have taken me seven minutes to go to the shop and buy ciggarettes and if I took eight minutes, then there would to be a big row. Sometimes he would even go in the shop and ask them when was the last time they saw me in there.
He used to say that he was like that because he loved me and didn't want to lose me and also his previous g/f had cheated on him. But I found out a few months before the wedding that he had been cheating on me.
I agree that he could have a guilty concious but it could also be an illness.
Has he ever been violent with you??

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:17 AM   #5
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

This could be the start to something big. I can relate to his actions; at the begining of my relationship I was the same with calling her every 5 minutes or even using text to talk to her. I then went through a phase where I was insecure and jealous on everything. I have gotten over it but I think I did it because I didn't want to lose someone so great to me but if I kept it up then I would have that way.

As for him calling you names it could be him just trying to show his power. He needs to change the attidude. You are getting annoyed of it and it will come a point in time where you just give up.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:20 AM   #6
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

There has been some violence. We've had arguments where he's pushed me hard into the wall or pushed me in general. He usually blames me and says I get him angry or he'll say he didn't push that hard. It's the point of the pushing I guess, you don't expect that from someone who loves you. Most recently, since he's said he would not push anymore, he's reverted to throwing his glass of water on me. Just the water mind you, but it's nonetheless degrading. He usually won't focus on the next day his actions, but only how I shouldn't have said this or that. One other thing, I don't call him names in return...I just pray that he'll fall asleep and that the next day realize his actions. I really think time away the next time this happens might wake him up (since he's always so worried that every man on God's green earth wants me....)...what do you think?

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:22 AM   #7
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

YIKES!!!
I would last about 2 seconds with him. I couldn't take all the crap he's giving you. I am sorry, but men like him (especially now that he is 50 and and very "set in his ways") don't usually change. I wouldn't be able to stay with him.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:25 AM   #8
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Quote:
Originally Posted by atlantalady
you don't expect that from someone who loves you.

You call this love??? The guy had huge issues...My question is why are you still with him?

If you are waiting for a wake up call I am afraid to say it isn't going to happen unless you give him time away and he does to some anger managment course. Your best bet is to do this now before it gets worse...

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:25 AM   #9
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

* Extreme jealousy or insecurity

* Constant put-downs

* Possessiveness or acting like they own you

* Telling you what to do

* Explosive temper

* Making false accusations

* Isolating you from your friends and family

* Preventing you from doing things you want to do

Healthy Relationship Quiz

1. Is your SO extremely jealous or possessive? Does he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does he constantly check up on you or always make you check in with him?


2. Does he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear?


3. Does he try to control what you do and who you see? Does he try to keep you from seeing or talking to your family and friends?


4. Does he have big mood swings where one minute he is angry and yelling at you, and the next minute he is sweet and apologetic and says he canít live without you? Do you often feel like youíre "walking on eggshells" around him?


5. Does he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you canít do anything right or that no one else would want you?


6. Does he yell, grab, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way?


7. Does he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about (like himself, your family, your friends or your pets)?


8. Does he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?


If you answered yes to some of these questions, your relationship may not be as healthy as you deserve.


Have you thought about getting out?

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:33 AM   #10
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Atlantalady,

I know it will be hard but take a few days away, completely cut him off no phone calls or email anything. If you don't feel that you can talk to him, then write him a letter explaining exactly how he make's to feel and how you feel about him when he behaves the way he does. We tend to be more honest when we write our feelings down and it will also help you to cope a bit better, seeing your feelings in writing will bring it all home to you. Because you haven't reacted in the past he does know that he is doing anything wrong.
You seem like a lovely person and you don't deserve to be pushed around by anyone you deserve to up most respect not just as a woman but as his wife.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:34 AM   #11
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Wow, Sounds like he got every one.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:36 AM   #12
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

I have thought about having him leave for awhile, to see it absence will change him. We don't fight every night, but when he gets angry one never knows what could happen. I guess he's just so convincing the next day that it won't happen again, that I believe him. He has changed in some areas over the past 4 years for the better. My problem now is I have began feeling like I'm not worthy and I deserve whatever he does. To his co-workers and neighbors, people think he's wonderful, and he does have a good heart, I don't know what happens that causes him to "snap" at times. Moreso, I really would like to help him and not leave him...if that's possible. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Please does anyone know what causes someone to be jealous and worried all the time over someone that is just your average person? I guess that's what confuses me the most. Do you think it's because he's constantly looking at other women and thinks men are doing the same?
(thanks for the list of abuse signs, I'm going to give that to him)

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:36 AM   #13
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Now that he HAS been abusive, are you afraid of him? Do you love him? Has he been married before? Sorry for all the questions, I am just trying to get picture of his life.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:43 AM   #14
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

Susie,
Yes, he's been married before (for 24 years). He and his former wife didn't fight. In general I'm not afraid of him...when we have an argument I get more upset and plug my ears so I don't have to hear the name calling. Think of all the degrading female directed names that come to mind, and I've heard them. Pushing hasn't happened in a long time, he's done better w/that, but tossing the water at me in lieu of releasing his frustration seemed to take it's place. So, to answer your question, I guess I'm afraid of hearing the name calling once again and losing the self esteem in return. I love him...because I know the person he is and has been when not being controlling and jealous.

Aqua-Norma...thanks for the kind words.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 10:48 AM   #15
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Re: Obsessive Husband? Mental Abuser

You can't help someone who doesn't realise that they have a problem. He thinks that saying sorry and he'll never do it again makes it ok, but it DOESN'T. What have you done to him (apart from love him unconditionally) to make you think that you deserve ths treatment!!!
You ask what could make him behave the way he does, you have yet to respond to the comments made about his fidelity???
Do you have kids???
Tell him what he does to you how he makes you feel.

 
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