Male and female advice if possible, please! - Relationship Health Message Board

nightowl2 · 08-13-2004, 06:23 PM

Hi, I need some "quick" advice.....!!
My fiance' and I met on-line.....we got engaged July 11th..of this year. I love him alot.....but, I live in California, and he lives in Maryland. He has come out to visit me twice so far...and I would like to visit him...but. for varias financial reasons, one, not having a fulltime job, has stopped me from visiting him. He has decided until I can do that ,he will visit me....so that isn't much of a problem, however,,,, lately, he has been VERY upset(to the point of crying, on the phone) that he "JUST HAS TO BE WITH ME) and this is a man that is 52 years of age(I am a 41 year old female). I KNOW that we "really connected" and he views me as "his other half" like the "lifemate" that he has been searching for all of his lifetime.(He has been married /divorced three times.....and has four kids.....two all grown, and two young ones...that live with their mom, but, he does see them, and pay child support) .
He really "knows" that with me, it is "highly special" as we have found that we have so much in common, and we have quickly bonded.(in a few months time) Like I said, more of a "magical connection" if I can be honest as possible here! But, this is the big problem.......he wants me to move within a few months....and we talked and talked about it....his attitude is "just toss out my stuff...you can always "rebuy" this stuff later on"..which I do NOT want to do.....he tells me about the times when he was in the Air Force and he HAD to move all of his belongings, and toss it out.....when he really didn't have any choice to do so.....a lot of things that he didn't want to get rid of...so now he thinks that I can do that too!
I am being resilient......I do NOT want to do this.....I know that there is a lot of stuff that I CAN without a doubt toss out....but.... then there is stuff that I have "collected" that I can't get this stuff anywhere else....and I will be *&^%# if I MUST get rid of it....I do not wish to......I want to know...if I am being ridiculous....or if he is truly NOT an understanding person...or that something is VERY WRONG, or if some people are like this, and others are not.
I would much prefer to "stand my ground" with this issue....but, he does this "crying act" with me......and he tells me "we do not seem to be getting any closer to "being closer" or being together.....for life.

I hope that this is making some sense...please tell me what you all think..this is frustrating me alot!!! I do not know what to do.HEELLPPP!!! ANYBODY?!!???

Nightowl2

Mommy2Isaiah · 08-13-2004, 11:37 PM

Here's my thoughts....You need to keep your stuff, at least the stuff you have collected. They are a part of you and he needs to understand that. Men are so good at the guilt thing, don't fall for it. What if for some horrible, unthinkable reason, this 4th time for him doesn't work out, either? Then you will truly have nothing. If he wants to be with you that bad, then he will make arrangements to get you AND your things with him. That's alot to ask of a person, to throw out everything. More than reasonable, I think. I hope this helps.

Good Luck
Nicole

Hanger · 08-13-2004, 11:43 PM

Well I am happy for you that you have found that "magical connection". However I must say, your a grown woman, and he has to know, you have collected these things throughout the course of your lifetime. When he was in the air force, I imagine he didnt have a lifetime of valuable items to him, with him. I personally think you have to stand your ground, You certainly are in a dilemma, but you cant throw away things you cherish, irreplaceable things. Good luck to you.

B

Ninispjc · 08-14-2004, 01:08 AM

This is one of those questions where you have to go with your own heart. Some people would say absolutely not, don't let him bully you into getting rid of your stuff, others would say who cares, it's just stuff, not nearly as important as the man you love. All I can say is this is how I look at it: I'm a rather sentimental person. I could do without things like my bookcase, my bed, my dresser, etc. However, I have things like photo albums, figurine collections, my record albums and cds, musical instruments, that I could and would never get rid of. These things are part of me, and anyone who loved me truly would never ask me to get rid of these things. He's expecting you to deal with this situation the same way he did way back when. He's not being sensitive to the fact that you are not him, and you do not feel and deal the same way he does. Which may explain why he's been divorced three times. My father is the same way. Expects the whole world to march to his drum.If someone really loves you, they don't do that to you, I don't think. If it were me, I'd tell him I see no good reason to part with my valuables and there must be a way to compromise, there must be a way to deal with this without my getting rid of all my valuables. IF he turns on the tears again, just remember that country song by Amy Dalley, Men Don't Change, where she says "be suspicious if he cries." I guess I must be a rare and weird woman, in that a man crying has the opposite effect on me. It turns me off, and even annoys me and makes me even more dead set toward getting my way, because I know that more often than not, when a man cries, it's most likely a manipulation tactic rather than real emotion.

solcita · 08-14-2004, 01:11 AM

I understand what he means because I'm an Army child and I had to move out lots of times.
You asked if you are not an understanding person and I think it's totally the opposite, he's the one who is not understanding. I'm only 23 and I know that many people don't understand me because they haven't been through what I've been through, so I understand when people can't get rid of things I don't think are important...
You are going to move out of your state to his... that's something huge you're gonna do for him... the least he can do is to find a way to move you and your stuff... I think he's acting REALLY selfish... he should grow up!
But... that's just my opinion...
Sol