It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-16-2004, 11:44 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 167
MermaidMer HB User
I don't know how to respond to this...

Hi everyone. I usually post on the depression board but i thought i'd pop over here to see if i could get people's advice about my situation.

I'm a 21 y/o young woman, a senior in college, and i've been having some major boy issues lately. about 4 weeks ago, i met sam, and he seemed to be incredible. i just got out of a long term serious relationship a little while ago and i'm not ready to start another relationship right away, but sam understood that and still wanted to hang out and see where things went. well, things got off to a quick start and we were spending a lot of time together, just hanging out together, watching movies and getting to know each other. he really liked me and told me that even though he didn't want a relationship either, he didn't want to be with anyone else. we were both happy just being together without any sort of committment. but last night he called me and i went to his room and he told me he wanted this to stop.

now, in the past week i had a breakdown. my depression has gotten worse since i've been back at school, and obviously sam doesn't know how to deal with it. he wants me to be happy, but he doesn't know how to help me. so instead of being there for me through a hard time, he's running away from what he's scared of. well, it's only making me feel worse. part of what's making me so depressed is that i feel alone and isolated at this school. when i was with sam i didn't feel this way. now, the rejection hurts even more and i don't know how to handle it. when i left sam's room last night he wanted me to promise him that i wouldn't do anything stupid, and i couldn't promise him that. he started crying and begging me to promise him, and it just confused me even more because here's a boy who says he's not interested in me anymore, but who is crying over me. emotions ran really high last night and i want to wait until today when things are calmed down a little bit. i want to talk to him about this because i don't know if it's what he wants.

my question is, how do i handle a situation like this? i had invested a good deal of emotion in this, i was starting to grow fond of sam and get attached, and he was too, and then this comes out of nowhere. what do i do? what do i say to him? is this even worth it? someone please help me, i'm so confused.

thanks~
~meredith

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-16-2004, 11:53 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

As silly as this may seem right now, your problem probably isn't really Sam.
It is the depression which is tied into your self-worth, which you are trying to prop up by being in a relationship...
Without barging in on the Depression board, are you on meds? Seeing a counselor at school? I guess what I'm wondering is if you have been diagnosed with a depression caused by a chemical imbalance or a situational one.

NOTHING got better in my life until I got a handle on my own chemical imbalance problem (I'm bipolar by the way).
You are SO close to finishing college - can you get some extra counseling and give up on the guys until you graduate and get back home?
College is hard enough when you're battling depression without adding relationship woes!!


 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:00 PM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

You problem isn't him it is more with you. It does seem that he worries and cares for you but you are right and he doesn't know how to handle this. What kind of treatment or counseling have you been doing? is it working?

 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:05 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 668
littleone314 HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

I agree...I don't anything will really get better (feeling wise with you I mean) unless these depressive episodes you have are being taken care of. I can completely understand depression, I was diagnosed in my freshman year of highschool. Many people say that college is so different than high school, but to me, it really isn't I mean college students still obsess over the same things, their clothes, their grades, their friends, the opposite sex. So, what I am getting at in my mindless bantering here, is that....first deal with the depression and then worry about a relationship.

To ease your mind though about this boy, I think he is running because he is very scared. When something complicates their relationships, a lot of boys run, thinking that will make it go away, sadly it won't. I don't think he ended it because he doesn't care anymore per se, I think it's nothing more than he is just scared of the possibilty that your depression may bring baggage into the relationship. Which I'm not saying it will because we are VERY capable of defeating depression....and he just doesn't realize that yet. Maybe you should tell him that you really don't understand why he ended it. If he told you already, ask him again and see what he says this time. Maybe he has had some time to think about it and he sees things differently now. If he says he doesn't want a relationship right now, then (its up to you) continue just being friends. Good Lcuk!

Last edited by littleone314; 09-16-2004 at 12:05 PM.

 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:17 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 167
MermaidMer HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

i was on 150mg zoloft for about 2 months and that didn't work, and now i'm on 75 mg of effexor xr a day, and it seemed to be helping all summer until i got back to school. (that's when the breakdowns started happening again.)

i saw a counselor at school last semester but i couldn't really open up to him. at the beginning of the summer i saw a psychiatrist but i didn't like him either. then, i found a clinical social worker and i saw her all summer and i loved her. she was amazing, i could tell her anything, but my parents didn't think that the therapy was working since they couldn't see any immediate improvement. they don't realize that i'm not going to do a 360 or even a 180 in the three short months during which i saw her. so when i went away back to school, i stopped seeing her. i haven't seen anyone since i've been back at school, but i'm thinking about going back to the counseling center and seeing a new person.

if you have any more questions feel free to ask, or refer to my previous posts on the depression board. thanks so much already!

 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:21 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,785
elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

I have to agree with the others, your depression is the main issue here. From someone who suffers from depression also I think it is wise that you get a hold of what is going on with you before you add in outside sources (Sam) that can effect your depression even more. You have got to take care of you. You are the only person that has to live with yourself. I take it you are in a very low emotional state to not be able to promise Sam you won't do anything stupid. He may not want a relationship right now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you as a person. By the way, I know what the "anything stupid" means and you really need to seek help for yourself. You have almost graduated college...your life is just beginning. By the way, my depression got much better once I graduated high school and college.

 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:24 PM   #7
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MermaidMer
i was on 150mg zoloft for about 2 months and that didn't work, and now i'm on 75 mg of effexor xr a day, and it seemed to be helping all summer until i got back to school. (that's when the breakdowns started happening again.)

i saw a counselor at school last semester but i couldn't really open up to him. at the beginning of the summer i saw a psychiatrist but i didn't like him either. then, i found a clinical social worker and i saw her all summer and i loved her. she was amazing, i could tell her anything, but my parents didn't think that the therapy was working since they couldn't see any immediate improvement. they don't realize that i'm not going to do a 360 or even a 180 in the three short months during which i saw her. so when i went away back to school, i stopped seeing her. i haven't seen anyone since i've been back at school, but i'm thinking about going back to the counseling center and seeing a new person.

if you have any more questions feel free to ask, or refer to my previous posts on the depression board. thanks so much already!
\



You need to go back and see her or someone. You need someone close that will shed new light on you and it doesn't have to be a boyfriend but a close friend. Try hang around this guy and keep the emotions down. Learn how to have fun again. A good guy can show a girl a good time.

 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:36 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 668
littleone314 HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

I think you should definantly start looking for a new counsilo. Take it from me, it can take a long time to find a good medication that works for YOU. You may have to go through many different meds to find which one will help...but in the end you will come upon one!

I know when I start getting depressed...I tell myself all of the GOOD things in my life that I have and I tell myself I should be thankful that I have got what I do...because many people don't. You obviously have done a great job in college and you should be VERY proud of yourself

About your parents...they just want to see you happy and to bad the counsilor you saw couldn't have told them that they couldn't expect a complete change overnight. That's unfair to you of them to think. I hope you feel better

 
Old 09-16-2004, 12:49 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 1,054
Wowwwweeee HB User
Cool Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

Hi Mermaid,

Depression can lead to thoughts of hurting yourself. Some people are desperate to feel better, I know. Sometimes the only way they see a way to obtain relief is to not be here any more. You stated that you cannot promise not to do anything stupid. That is a serious thing to say, depending on the context that you meant it, and should never be taken lightly. If you truly feel this despondent, before anything else, you need to seek out professional help outside this Board so that these urges are stopped or maintained.

Iím so sorry youíre having a tough time of things.

One of the key things that caught my eye in this post is that you state that your depression has gotten worse since youíve been back to school. Depression affects people differently, so I am not sure what that means for you. I hear you that you are feeling alone and isolated at school, and depression usually can make people generally feel alone and isolated, so you must be feeling it as a double-whammy.

Depression is a scary thing to watch someone experience and go through. If a person isnít familiar with the ups and downs of depression, how they react can sometimes be based on their own personal fears, what they may or may not know about the condition, and their feelings of simply not knowing how to deal with someone going through it. True depression isnít like a feeling of being sad over a specific incident. Usually a person without true depression is able most times to logic and evaluate their way out of their negative feelings with some time and outlook. A person can be consoled with resolution. For someone who doesnít understand true depression, they find it confusing, painful, and sometimes frustrating that they are not able offer solace or ďmake it all betterĒ. There sometime is the worry or fear that the depressed person will hurt or kill themselves Ė no-one wants to feel responsible for that.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of.

Some people simply donít have the knowledge, compassion, tolerance, emotional ability, maturity, etc. to maintain a working relationship with someone who is dealing with something chronic. It doesnít make them a bad person, and it doesnít make you a bad person.

That aside, sometimes you never know what makes a person change their mind about a relationship. Itís hard to sometimes take someone at their word about ending things, when things seemed to be going so well. I think anyone would feel rejected and hurt to suddenly be told that the other person wanted to stop Ė thatís a normal feeling for anyone, whether they are depressed or not.

Plus, youíve only known Sam a short time Ė maybe he has issues of his own that are preventing him from wanting or being able to continue your new friendship so closely.

You made a conscious statement that youíre not ready to start another relationship right away. I agree with that. I can fully understand your feelings of intense sadness at Samís dismissal of your newfound friendship; I realize that it doesnít change the way you feel right now about that. Your post suggests that you have been having a rough time, even before your friendship with Sam. You mention a recent breakdown. You state that you are struggling even more because school is causing you additional stress. Youíve got a lot on your plate between school and the emotional pressure of dealing with depression, loneliness, and feelings of isolation. Maybe at this time becoming dependent on one friendship to meet all your needs is not the healthiest thing for you. Iím not saying that that is what happened, but I can see that you have come to rely heavily on this friendship very quickly Ė I can see why you are so broken up the way things have turned out.

You say that you donít know how to handle his rejection. I wouldnít think of it as a rejection of YOU. Again, sometimes you never know what makes a person change their mind about a relationship. You could spend a lot of time mulling it over and wondering about all the possible scenarios, but that is unproductive thinking. People get past and handle things at their own pace. There is no magic cure for bouncing back from an emotional hurt. There are, however, some things you could probably do to help you branch out a little bit, despite how you are feeling. College is a scary time, and yes, it can be a lonely time. Many people feel the same sense of loneliness and isolation but you wouldnít know it because itís not openly talked about.

You might try to focus on finding some things at college that you can try out or participate in so that you begin to meet new faces.

Strike up a conversation with a new face in class or in the halls or when youíre grabbing something to eat.

Join a study group.

Join a club.

Ask someone to be your study partner.

See who sits alone and join them. You never know who else is feeling those same lonely feelings.

Outside of college, you might want to seek out a support group or some counseling to help you over the roughest times when youíre feeling hopeless or out of control with your depression. A little outside guidance is always helpful!

Wishing you the best.

Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 09-16-2004 at 01:46 PM.

 
Old 09-17-2004, 03:37 AM   #10
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 491
Man Apart HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

I don't know what happened. But its like looking at a old episode of my life. Meredith, please tell me you are ok. I read your post on the relationship board. God nothing is worth your life. Ive been there, still go through it from time to time. Go to a hospital, call your psychiastrist, go to a mental health facility, go in there and I dont care if you have to shout, tell them you need help. Let someone take care of you even if you have to stay somewhere for a week or so for them to monitor you. It seems like youve lost every ability to cope and control what your going through and your support system isnt there for you. Meredith, noone can or will be able to pull you out of this. Not a guy, not your parents, not your brother, not even the psychiastrist. I learned that the hard way. Fear is attacking you. The onslaught of your depression is relentless. I dont know what is going on in your mind everyday. Why you feel so hopeless and doomed. Seems like your depression was situational, dealing primarily with your ex, now it seems just full blown out generalized and out of control. But I know one thing I see and thats a pattern of men you become attached to emotionally and when things fall apart, you fall apart. You cant place your mind, body and self worth into other people, cos they will dissapoint you. Stop depending on Sam and these boys to understand you and to be there for you and stand up for yourself and depend on yourself first above anyone. Your right, you werent ready for a relationship, but unconsciously thats exactly what you did. Doesnt matter if you two even say your not invovled, it happened reguardless. You became heavily attached to him because for a time he became your new anti-depressant. Made you feel like you werent alone. It should have been YOU not him that ended it. Because you weren't ready Meredith. You should have realized that no matter how great he made you feel at the time. He cares about you, thats why he cries, but he cant help you, and he definitely doesnt know how or what to do. And maybe he can see that your not ready. And the closer you get with him the harder itll be later if things breakdown. Your such a beautiful girl, smart, and hardworking, I dont have to see a picture of you to know that, i dont have to meet you in person to know your a caring person. Dont measure your self worth with how many friends you have or how popular you are or how much attention you get. Cos you need to ask yourself if your really ready for it. You need to break down some walls first. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You lack self esteem, so do I, of course its the reason why I dont have any friends either, but I realize I can, and theres nothing wrong with me, and I will make friends when I am ready to deal with having alot of people in my life. Dont let others peoples opinion of you become your reality. He is not rejecting you cos he does not care. You use him as a crutch. He felt what your carrying. The weight of your life. He wants you to walk. He wants you to be happy. If you fall he can help pick you up, that are all friends are for, but he cant carry you out of this. He knows he cant. Hes afraid and doesnt understand. He knows he will fail you trying. Because noone can, but you. Talk to him again if you like. Tell him you appreciate him being your friend, and that you still want to be friends but that is all you can offer him right now.

If you hurt yourself over another man, I dont think anyone can help you. You have to realize the fact that you were still trying to deal with getting past another relationship and you were not ready. Your willing to hurt yourself because you put your heart out and gave them to these men. You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else. You always ask to have someone care and love you, but do you care and love yourself first?If you did you would never think about hurting yourself right now, especially over men who arent dependable or who have failed you. Life is alot of things. Lot of reasons to live, lot of reasons to die. If you hurt yourself, ask yourself what your dying over. Write down ever single feeling or problem youve ever faced, I bet you none of them are worth your life.

Fight for yourself. Fight for your life. Youll be a hell of a woman when you get through this. Dont give up on yourself Meredith. Im not asking you to be super woman and defy all the mental and medical issues your dealing with right now. Im asking you to love yourself, and fight for yourself. Do anything and everything you have to do for yourself. Let people around you know, hey, this is what I want, can you do this for me can u be here for me can u help me while im trying to get back on my feet, if i call will u come, jus someone to sit next to or chat with, talk to your psych, be consistent with your medication, and dont give a d**n if noone else understands. Invest your emotions on yourself, because only you have your best interest in hand. Once your ready there is time for all the other things.

Alot of people are telling you alot of things you dont want to hear. Pointing you towards that long road you dont want to take. People telling you to let go of Sam but of course I know your thinking you dont want to, have to be another way, just want what you had. Those short roads lead to dead ends. I took many. 26 years old now, finally got my a*s on the long one and said if I die here at least im gonna die going in the right direction. If you die, die trying, dont die, giving up.

Your desperate and in agony. Constant agony. Then do desperate things to save your life. if you need to skip a semster of school, why cant you. if you need to be in the, hospital, why wont you. Do whatever it takes. Fight whatever shame your feeling. Find people who are going through same thing you are perhaps, Im sure there are groups, or plenty of students there that share the same problems. You'd be surprised.

Can you do these things Meredith. I want you to find a group, just like I did. I promise you itll help in one shape or another. Get in that phone book and fight for yourself. There are many outpatient groups, or just even public groups that should be available. Your friends are not professionals, they cannot help. If you need understanding people in your life, you have to find those that understand. Sam doesnt. Dont fault him for that. He does care.

I want to know where you are right now. I dont know if your alive or dead. If you read this just please get help someone Mermaid. Dont give yourself limits on what youll try. If your willing you'll do all you can. Im sorry I havent been able to be the friend you need. Im so sorry if Geena hasnt or anyone else here. This board doesnt give us much to work with. If I could drive up there can carry you to a hospital I would. I think you are willing to do things, but its so hard when you feel like you have to do them alone. Please give yourself a chance. Dont hurt yourself.

I dont know what else to say.

Just, please post again soon. =(

 
Old 09-17-2004, 08:12 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 1,054
Wowwwweeee HB User
Cool Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

Man Apart,

I love your passion. I wish you the best in your own quest for a beautiful life.

 
Old 09-19-2004, 08:10 PM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 167
MermaidMer HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

hi and thanks. i'm going to the counseling center at my school tomorrow because i don't know how to deal with this on my own anymore. i need help, my depression has gotten out of control. i've been thinking about suicide for the past few weeks, and i know that shouldn't be happening when i'm on anti-depressants. thanks everyone for your help and i'll check in soon with an update.

~meredith

 
Old 09-20-2004, 06:28 AM   #13
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: I don't know how to respond to this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MermaidMer
hi and thanks. i'm going to the counseling center at my school tomorrow because i don't know how to deal with this on my own anymore. i need help, my depression has gotten out of control. i've been thinking about suicide for the past few weeks, and i know that shouldn't be happening when i'm on anti-depressants. thanks everyone for your help and i'll check in soon with an update.

~meredith

How was the counseling today?

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Don't know where to put this! willowthewisp Open to All Other Health Topics 21 10-09-2009 08:04 AM
I don't wanna be married eh! chevyman Relationship Health 77 06-22-2009 10:18 AM
If somebody relates to this? I don't know what I have. dasunheimliche Personality Disorder 5 03-27-2008 11:20 AM
Don't know how to act....please help! VoodooQueen Relationship Health 1 03-23-2008 10:47 PM
Something I still don't understand... Ishla Fibromyalgia 9 01-15-2008 10:34 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (156), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (99), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (905), Titchou (848), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (754), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:27 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!