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Old 10-18-2004, 05:47 PM   #1
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Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

So, Im still having some problems with some things. I just get the feeling sometimes that she doesnt want to spend a lot of time with me, or that shes just not that interested. What Im having difficulty with is figuring out if its the trust issues that cause her to behave this way, or if its really that shes just not that interested. It might also be that she just needs a lot of personal space. I guess I could tell myself that she must be interested or she wouldnt still be seeing me after 2 1/2 months, but its hard for me not to mess with my head.

Shes also made it clear that she doesnt like to be told what to do and that she'll do whatever she wants to do. She says it with the impression that she means shes going to do whatever she wants no matter what anyone else feels, including me. Thats also hard for me to deal with. It again makes me feel like she doesnt care about me and wouldnt really care if we stopped seeing each other.

She also says things that are disrespectful to me (things about other men, etc), is still fairly secretive, and sometimes just says things that are mean. Is this more of the testing stuff, or is she just not a very considerate person? I know you cant tell me if shes inconsiderate without knowing her, but just wanted an opinion.

Quote:
Originally posted by SaraE10
It sounds like she's very confused and very scared and she is almost trying to play "hard to get" to avoid admitting to herself that she is falling for you! To admit that would mean to admit that you're prepared to get your heart broken!
She's definitely playing hard to getÖ or at least not letting me know where she's at with everything. Again she behaves this way to the point of making me feel like she could sometimes care less if I was to end things tomorrow. Donít get me wrong, there are times it seems like she really likes me, but these other times make it hard.
Quote:
Originally posted by SaraE10
This is just my opinion. If I were her, the best thing YOU could do would be to look her in the eye and tell her how you feel about her. Tell her you're not going anywhere. Hold her for a long time, just wrap your arms around her. She's scared. You have to comfort her.
I would love to be able to do this. Id like to just sit with her, hold her hand and just tell her that I care a lot about her and that I'm definitely not going anywhere. The problem is that she's not very receptive to this kind of thingÖnot yet anyway. She still has that ďtoughĒ exterior on most of the time and I cant explain it, but she makes me feel like I'm being overly emotional when I share things like that. She doesnít do it all the time, but quite a bit.
HmmÖas I was typing this, I also realized that to do that would be making myself incredibly vulnerable and I guess I'm still afraid to do that with her. I've done some things to be vulnerable, but that would be really opening myself up if she wasnít receptive to that.

I guess some other things I my mind is that I'm realizing I'm still not comfortable just calling her up to chat. I just feel like Id be bothering her and donít want to smother her. Thatís hard for me because I would think after 2 Ĺ months, Id be more confortable and sure of things.

One last thing, there are times that Ill look at her and find her so attractive that it hurts. Does that make sense? I sometimes wonder if my head and heart conflict at these momentsÖlike my head is telling me its not going to work while my heart wants to stay in this. I also wonder if I need to just stop crawling around in my head so much .

Anyway, I just needed to write a bit to help sort out some things in my head. I'm still really liking this woman (I'm starting to wonder if I'm not falling in love), but I'm getting scared that I'm just setting myself to get hurt, and cant tell if she's just not interested, or if the trust issues and causing her behavior. Am I being a pushover?

Thanks for reading and thanks to those who choose to respond. Have a good one.

 
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Old 10-19-2004, 05:51 AM   #2
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

I know it feels a lot better to post and get it all out to people that care like us but you need to take a step back and think about this. I know you are having a hard time trying to adjust with the way she is but nothing is going to change her ways until she is ready. In fact, she may never be ready but she may be ready enough to move on with her life with you.

She has been through a lot and you have to give her that consideration. As a BF you have to be patient and give her the needed time. If you push to hard then the relationship will go right through the cracks. If you feel you are not truelly getting anywhere then take the easy route out but I dont advise that.

Be patient to her and caring like you have been to her needs and feelings. She loves you in many ways that I can see. Its hard for her to express that after her childhood till now. She will learn to trust someone but you have to be tending to her for her to trust. She will come around but it takes time.

 
Old 10-19-2004, 06:09 AM   #3
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Cool Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Yes, I remember your other post.

Communication and trust are so important, to ANY relationship. Unfortunately, if you aren't able to sit down with her and level about these kinds of things, you may not be able to have the kind of relationship with her that you desire.

Her wounds may go too deep for her to be able to trust you, or take anything you say less than offensively.

My two suggestions at this point:
  • Long shot, but maybe you can seek some couples' counseling, so she has a neutral place to talk with you at first. It sounds like she could benefit from counseling, period. But maybe if you try to approach it from a communication-improving tool she'll be open to trying it at least once. Just don't suggest she needs it herself - she sounds like a very sensitive person to the slightest perceived "attack".
  • Write out a very nice letter to her (I believe that I suggested this before) with how much you care for her and your desires for a loving, committed relationship with her. Let her gently know your own fears about HER leaving (she may not think you have any, and it's always a refresher to know that your partner has the same kinds of worries, too). Let her know how her attitude confuses and hurts you - this is the tricky part because you don't want to make her feel guilty or feel threatened. As I stated before, writing a letter is easier (for her) because it will give her time to absorb your thoughts without you present, so she can come to terms with any feelings it brings up. It will also give her time to not be impulsive in her reactions to anything that you've stated.

Unfortunately, you can't change her or make her "see the light". Sometimes, no matter how much you want to be with a specific person, the road blocks may be too big to attain true happiness or a real commitment with them.

Remember, you can't "save" her.

Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 10-19-2004 at 06:11 AM.

 
Old 10-21-2004, 02:48 PM   #4
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

I forgot to respond to this earlier. I think the letter idea is great and Iíve even typed one up. Iím just really afraid to send it to her. Iím worried for one thing that shell not take it seriously and make light of it. Since sending the letter is going to make me pretty vulnerable, this would be hard if she reacted that way. Iím also afraid if I tell her how Iím really feeling about her, it might scare her off.

The letter was hard to write in a way that didnít sound accusatory, but I think I managed to do it because youre right that she is sensitive to anything that seems like an attack on her. Ive even started to think that the reason she didnt return a few of my calls is the way I worded my messages. They may have sounded like I was telling her what to do and she doesnt respond well to that.

Again, Iím just worried sheíll think Iím being overly emotional or something like that. She is becoming more responsive to some of the more sensitive comments I make to her, but she's made comments in the past about me being goofy when I try to talk to her about things like this and I worried she might have the same reaction to the letter. I guess if this is the case though, it might tell me where she's at with things and if we really are compatible or not.

 
Old 10-22-2004, 05:23 AM   #5
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Cool Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Hi,

It's not a good relationship for anyone to have a partner that you had to "walk on egg shells" with all the time.

Just a suggestion, but why don't you post the letter you've drafted, and get opinions? I realize this something very personal for you, so it's understable if you'd prefer not to reveal the contents.

I still think a letter is a good way to convey your feelings, even if she over-reacts. At least you got everything out there and on the table, and sometimes that's the only thing you can do.

I hear you that you are scared (for lack of a better word) at her reactions, but you are worried about the way things are (or are not) progressing anyway, so either way, I do think that it's fair for you to state your feelings and concerns. Sometimes it's better to know where you stand, even if you risk the relationship.

Please post back soon.

 
Old 10-22-2004, 06:06 AM   #6
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Quote:
Originally Posted by hrt1

Again, Iím just worried sheíll think Iím being overly emotional or something like that. She is becoming more responsive to some of the more sensitive comments I make to her, but she's made comments in the past about me being goofy when I try to talk to her about things like this and I worried she might have the same reaction to the letter. I guess if this is the case though, it might tell me where she's at with things and if we really are compatible or not.

You not going overboard here. She needs a person like you to show that you really care. She has a hard time trying to adjust to people because that was broken at a young age for her. Hopefully she may come around but just show her that you are there for her.

You dont have to leave and thats your choice if you do. These obstacles can be over come but it will take time and effort. If she doesn't come around then try to show her how happy life is. Take her out for great times and try to move the relationship further.

 
Old 10-22-2004, 09:06 AM   #7
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Sigh...she blew me off again last night

Well, for starters, she blew me off yet again last night. Iím starting to feel like kind of a putz. Am I just being totally naive and getting played? We had tentative plans for last night. She said she had a long day at work (over 10 hrs) and she just wanted to see how tired she was after. When I brought it up, she kind of hemmed and hawed before even saying that. Anyways, she said shed call after work. Well, I never heard from her. At this point I really donít know what to think. Would she be going to such lengths to sabotage things? Is she getting ready to end things and this is her way of leading into it? Of course I also run the other guy scenarios in my head too (did she have a date with someone else, blah, blah, blah). I know the other guy thing is probably not the case but it still enters my head. Iím also starting to realize that she might just be a selfish person and doesnít care about my feelings...I just have no idea anymore .

Yes, I fully agree about the eggshells thing and I have been doing that the whole time. Sometimes are worse than others, but its always there. I think that once I get everything out there, this will stop, but getting everything out there is the hard part.

After talking with some friends (for several hours) last night, Iíve come up with a few different options. One thing would be to take a step back, give her some space and see if she makes an effort to come to me. I'm not talking about just bailing out, but letting her make more effort and letting her be the one to try to make plans to get together. Right now, I'm usually the one who always brings up wanting to get together again. This would also involve letting her be the one to initiate more of the phone calls and things. My friends say that this would let me see how she reacts. If she makes a move towards me that would show that she's trying, but if she moves further away, that will tell me something too (a scenario I donít like to think about). After a week or so, if I see nothing changing, I could then sit down and talk or write the letter.

Another option would be to just wait till weíre getting together again and then just to sit down and talk with her about everything. Id start by telling her that I liked her and Id like to see this move forward and that Id hope she could trust me when I say I'm not going anywhere. Iíd also need to know where weíre at as in this relationship. Are we exclusively dating, or casually dating, or what? Iíd tell her that Iíd like to be exclusive and that I'm considering myself to not be single anymore.

The third option would be the letter. This might actually be a good time because I donít think I'm going to see her until sometime next week now. She works tonight, I've got plans tomorrow night and she's got stuff going on all day Sunday. I could write it up tonight and get it in the mail tonight or tomorrow. Shed probably get it Monday or so. I guess Id say some things about where I'm at with things and how some of her behavior effects me and how I'm scared about things and stuff like that. I'm not sure if Id be up for posting it here though. Is there somewhere I could email it or something if someone wanted to read it? I've also got a few close friends I would let read it too.

I guess one last option would be to just cut my losses and just get out of the whole situation. I guess I'm not really considering that an option since its something I'm not ready or wanting to do right now. I really donít want to end things and want to try to stick this out, but the way things are going, it seems like she might be thinking of ending things anyways.

Well, anyways, thatís where I'm at right now. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

 
Old 10-22-2004, 09:13 AM   #8
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

I would choose choice 1 and 2 and put them together. At this point its good to talk to her the next time that you see her like you mentioned in choice 2. Then I would decide to take a step back and let her think things through. You may be hurt and lost by this but with her not able to come to you or open to you then its still hurting you and confusing you. Eventually you will see you may have made the right decison. In my mind you have but again its your choice.

I know you care for her and tell her that you will still be there but right now its best she has the space and time to thinks things through. It may make it harder for her to come around next time but like I said just keep to her and and let her know that you are there for her anytime.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 06:28 AM   #9
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Well, Im guessing this is getting close to being done. She was supposed to call me on Thurs night after work. Well, its not Sat morning and I still havent heard from her. Im not sure what to think. My guess is that shes getting ready to end things and this is her way of leading into that. My friends and sister dont think that though. They think that whatever this issue shes dealing with and work and everything else are keeping her so occupied, busy and stressed that shes just not thinking of me right now. Maybe theyre right and it has nothing to do with me, but Im just not sure. I also run the other guy scenarios in my head too. Im thinking this isnt the case, but I still cant help but think that maybe she started seeing someone else and thats why shes not calling.

Anyway, at this point, Im going to wait to see if she calls anytime in the next day. If I dont hear by tomorrow or Monday, Im going to call her and ask to see her some night soon. Im then going to sit down and talk about everything. Im going to start by asking what happened to her on Thurs night and go from there. Im going to tell her where Im at and what Im needing from her to help me in this relationship and ask where shes at with things, and what I can do to give her more of what she needs. Im also going to bring up the trust issues and explain that this is who I am and I couldnt fake being someone else like this for 3 months. Im also going to say that she cant keep punishing me for things that other men have done to her. Im also going to (and this part is going to be hard to do without pushing it) ask her to tell me what this big issue is shes dealing with. This has just gone on too long and I cant take the stress anymore.

Its been 3 months this week and I still have no idea where I stand with her and how she feels about me. To date someone for this long and have her go 2 days without calling me back is just wrong. Having this conversation may put her on the spot and make more stress for her, but if just asking her whats going on ruins things between us, then its probably not meant to be anyways. Like I said earlier, Im thinking her not calling is her way of leading up to ending things with me anyways so me thinking Im going to sit down and talk about everything might not even happen anyways.

I considered the letter thing still, but Im just thinking at this point that the face to face thing would be a better idea. If I wrote the letter and got it in the mail tonight, she probably wouldnt get it until Tuesday.

Any comments/suggestions? Am I jumping to conclusions in thinking that her not calling means that shes going to end things? Is the other guy thing out of the question? Im guessing it is since shes so busy, but who knows.
Any comments about sitting down and talking about everything? Thanks for reading.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 06:45 AM   #10
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Just wait for her to call...If she doesn't then prepare a letter and come monday call her and say you want to talk. Bring the letter to your meeting and read it to her or you can give it to her but stick around so you both can discuss it.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 08:03 AM   #11
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Hey! I've read through some of your posts. First of all, and this is just my opinion, no matter how busy a person may be (or "stressed"), there is always SOME opportunity to at least call your boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't buy that excuse at all. No one works 24 hours a day without a 5 minute break to make a quick phone call. It may make it easier for you to make excuses for her, but in the long run you've got to realize that she is showing you a lack of respect and caring. Especially if you two had plans two nights ago and you still haven't even gotten a phone call.
She may very well be going through a lot of stress and dealing with something difficult. Fine. But how does that affect YOU? Obviously it's got your stomach all tied in knots and your stress level very high. It's not fair to you. So stop making excuses for her and start looking at what it's doing to you.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 08:15 AM   #12
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
No one works 24 hours a day without a 5 minute break to make a quick phone call. . .

I agree to all of LittleRose1982's post here. This statement I highlighted because I have said this before and its so true. A person may be busy but they still have time to place a call. They could call right before they go to bed. A person that they truelly love should be at least worth 5 or 10 minutes before bed. On top of that there are other little chances throughout the day but I am not going to name them all. I am sure you see what we see here.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 02:46 PM   #13
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Yup. I fully agree, which is why Im leaning towards her ending things. She just doesnt seem to care. Im also having some really major doubts myself.
Ive decided to call her tonight if I dont hear to ask if shes ok and to try to setup a night when we can get together again. Im then going to discuss everything thats been confusing, bothering me, etc. Im thinking this may be the end of things and this really depresses me because Im so sick of starting over, and, all things considered, I really do like her. Theres a lot of things that are good about her that I obviously dont post here since its the problems Im trying to work out.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 03:40 PM   #14
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

She said she would call but has also said she will do what she wants and when she wants. You want a relationship and she wants her freedoms. Oil and water, cut your losses and find someone that wants a real relationship, not someone that allows you into their world at their convenience.

 
Old 10-23-2004, 07:42 PM   #15
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Re: Still having a hard time...to those who responded b4, please read if you have time

Quote:
Originally Posted by hrt1
Im so sick of starting over,.


Thats the process of relationships. I know you are sick of starting over but this is the process to find the right one. I am sure you rather be with the right one rather than the wrong one. You dont want to keep to one girl because you are sick of starting over.

For the time being keep what you are doing. Keep up to her and see what she has to say. If she fails to respond then do what you think is right. This girl has gone through a lot in life and maybe be hard to express things but she has to realize that the only way to help herself out is that she has to open up to someone eventually.

 
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