My fiancee is a mother of 3 girls and they all from different fathers. This woman is extremely beautiful and smart and we are perfect for each other, she is exactly the type of person I have always wanted. I am a father as well and I have a child from a past relationship, the thought of she having 3 kids from 3 different men haunts me, I don't think she did it on purpose (to trick the guy in to marriage or anything like that) but I feel she should have taken better care of herself, she had two kids before the age of 19 and those were only relationships in which you are getting to know yourself and what you would like in a mate but things happen in life I know but it's hard for me to accept the fact that she has 3 kids already. I have not told her straightforward what I think but I question her lots of time about how does a beautiful girl like her gets stuck with 3 girls from 3 different guys and not get married or anything like that. She tells me it's none of my business and it's her past and her life and it's hers and not mines and to concentrate on what we have now and the future and I know this but it's just too much I don't think I can handle the fact that she has 3 kids. I often ask myself, Does she have left anything for me? Doesn't a man marry a woman to have a family and yet she has taken this for granted having kids with man that she shouldn't have. I really love this woman and I have told her that but then I realized I love the woman and not the fact that she is a woman with 3 kids, so I have to love all 4 of them for this relationship to work and I don't know if I do right or if I will ever accept that fact. Her kids are great and they get along with my own daughter and they treat each other like sisters, but to hear them talk about their father and their family calling them and stuff it's just too much to comprehend, I was raised with my father and mother, my father had a kid from a previous relationship when he met my mother and had another kid during the marriage with my mother and my mother stood with him regardless, hey stuff happens. I really think a lot of this woman and she is really great but I don't think I will ever treat her kids the way that maybe someone else will, I don't think I will ever find another woman like her, I feel we are very compatible and I would have married her and be faithful to her the rest of my life if it was only "her" but with the kids and all the baggage and the fathers and stuff it's just too much for me at times and I do think that I can accept it cause it's not that bad, they are good girls.
We all have past but if you are have these doubtful thoughts about your future with them then its best you brake the tie now because you dont want to marry and have a child with her then realize its just to much for you. You really need to give this a lot of though but dont lead her on.
I am going to go against my own will and I will say hold off on talking to her about it right now. Eventually though you will need to figure things out. The only possibility is see pass her past and just care for the girls or move on because you may never get happy over it.
How long have you been together? Have you gave this anythough before you proposed?
I don't mean to sound a bit harsh here but I don't believe in holding people up if the other person is having doubtful thoughts.
Last edited by eightball61; 10-29-2004 at 06:59 AM.
You would probably not be a good father or role model for this woman's children if you only view them as "this woman's three children". The love of a Mother for her Children run very deep, and you cannot expect her to segregate them for you or for your relationship.
You are a Father, and you love your child as much - so you can't expect her to love her children or put them aside any less.
You ask if she has anything left over for you? If you have to ask that, you have no idea what it means to be able to love your children AND a partner at the same time, and that's a shame. Can YOU love your child and still love your partner? Of course you can, so why do you think it would be any different for her just because she has three children?
You met this woman AFTER she had her relationships that produced three children. You should be focusing on your future, NOT her past. If you are going to question and judge her so much, you should rethink your involvement in this relationship.
Her children are her children - no matter HOW she brought them into this world. Either you love them and accept them and care for them well, or you don't.
Ok, you need to come to grips with reality. YOU ALSO HAVE CHILD WITH SOMEONE ELSE! How can you put her down for having children with someone else besides you when you do to!!!
When you met this woman, you met her when she had the 3 kids. They are a part of her and that will not change. To not accept the fact she has kids is to not accept a part of her. Why did you get engaged if bothered you so?
Is she uncomfortable with the fact that you also have a child with someone else?
Things happen when you are young and not all that brilliant, and she had 2 kids while a teenager. That's life. She is doing well considering that she is managing and being a good mom to her kids.
I would probably be uncomfortable too getting in a relationship with a guy with 3 kids by 3 other woman, but it's something you either decide to accept and move past, or not accept and not get involved.
You have to decide what is more important in your life right now. Having her, along with her kids (who are part of her now for life), or having you, and starting over with someone else (who may have the same feelings about you having a child). If you decide to not accept her en total, then tell her. Don't string her along. It will end up hurting her and the kids more in the long run.
You say shes your finacee? Why did you ask her to marry you if you don't like the idea of her having 3 kids by 3 dads? Shouldn't you have addressed that issue within the first weeks/months of dating?
Been together for over 15 months now and I proposed within 6 months, that's the problem, she is a great person really really really great, I really believe we are meant for each other but what makes it difficult is that she has 3 kids and right now it seems like its a lot for me to accept and I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...
She tells me it's none of my business and it's her past and her life and it's hers and not mines and to concentrate on what we have now and the future and I know this but it's just too much I don't think I can handle the fact that she has 3 kids.
Its none of your business?! This is your fiancee. There should be no secrets. She should be able to tell you anything. Yes, I agree, it is the past, but to keep a secret in a relationship where youre engaged isnt right.
As you said, she may not have had the children to "trap" the other men, but to have someone (her children) that would love her unconditionally. Is she from an abusive home or a home where the parents were absent? I know a woman very similar. She also has 4 children from 3 fathers for this very reason.
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I often ask myself, Does she have left anything for me?
This is something you need to think carefully about. You are correct in a way. She does have 3 kids. This will not change. You either need to accept this fact and the fact that she will have to split her attention between her 3 kids, you, and hopefully your daughter if you do get married.
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I really think a lot of this woman and she is really great but I don't think I will ever treat her kids the way that maybe someone else will, I don't think I will ever find another woman like her, I feel we are very compatible and I would have married her and be faithful to her the rest of my life if it was only "her" but with the kids and all the baggage and the fathers and stuff it's just too much for me at times and I do think that I can accept it cause it's not that bad, they are good girls.
It sounds like youre really having some major doubts about this situation. When are you getting married? If its soon, you may want to postpone things so you can think about it. For me, I dont think I could go into a marriage with this many doubts.
You say you and her are compatible, but if youre not liking the fact that she does have 3 kids, the fathers of her kids, "the baggage", then maybe you arent as compatible as you think. Like it or not, the kids and everything that goes with them are a very big part of who she is. Again, she is a mother of 3. This isnt going to change. You either need to accept it, or move on.
I hope Im not sounding insensitive because I can really understand the dilemma youre in. Ive dated women that I was very compatible with..in some ways, but there were other parts of her life that I couldnt accept and other areas that we werent compatible with so as hard as it was, I had to move on.
Been together for over 15 months now and I proposed within 6 months, that's the problem, she is a great person really really really great, I really believe we are meant for each other but what makes it difficult is that she has 3 kids and right now it seems like its a lot for me to accept and I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...
Then if you are so meant for eachother then you would be able to work with this issue to be with her. You new for sometime that she had the children. I do beleive that you could take on the fathers role but is it to much for you? How does she feel that you have a child from another women?
I do understand and it would be a wierd place to be in but I would rush into things until I knew for sure that I could deal with that stress of having these guy call or see the kids.
Been together for over 15 months now and I proposed within 6 months, that's the problem, she is a great person really really really great, I really believe we are meant for each other but what makes it difficult is that she has 3 kids and right now it seems like its a lot for me to accept and I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...
Then break off the engagement now. This isn't fair to her and if you have doubts like these then you don't need to be engaged to her. I understand that its bothering you now, but how come it didn't bother you enough at 6 months? Get out and leave it alone before you make baby number 4 for her.
Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 10-29-2004 at 07:44 AM.
She treats my little girl like her own, she is really a great woman that's why I proposed to her because she is that great and I do feel that I kind of rush things and now I am rethinking the situation...I might one day accept the kids as just kids and not pay so much attention to the fact that they are not mine but then again I don't know if I will... and I don't want to hold her off because she might find someone better than me
and I don't want to hold her off because she might find someone better than me
Your are right and she thinks she found that one. That is why I said don't hold it off to long. If you feel that you can grasp things and try to work it out then step your foot in now and see how the future will work but if you find it still bothering you then you need to do something about it.
Is the fact that these kids are not yours bother you, or is it the fact that she has three kids from three different men?
Let me tell ya,,,,that's alot of baggage. Personally, I couldn't do it, but that's just me. Not that I couldn't love the kids, I just couldn't take all the choas and drama that goes along with a situation like this. I like my life simple.
Bottom line: I think you better sit down and re-think this before you make baby #5, and she becomes a woman with 4 kids from 4 different men.
13, 10 and 5 and my daughter is 4. I am thinking about giving it another try...
You shouldn't have anything to think about here Its either you want to or you don't. I am not being harsh but please excuse the wording here. This is someone's life and feelings. This isn't a toy and if you can work it right you just put it away. This is a human with 3 little children Its either you want to or you dont.
13, 10 and 5 and my daughter is 4. I am thinking about giving it another try...
Help me out with this: Trying what? What failed the first time that it requires another try? Do you love her kids, or do you resent them because their dad's are scattered from here to there? Or do you resent her?
I'm confused,,,,,
I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...
So basically at this point in time you haven't accepted her for who she is. Since that is the case you shouldn't be with her and no way should be engaged to her. If you have doubts, how can you be with her? A relationship is based on love, trust, acceptance for who the person is. No matter what type of "baggage" she has. You haven't done that. If you truly loved her and wanted to be with her, you would accept her regardless. You may love her, but the question is, are you "in love" with her? I don't think you are for the reason that you admitted that you may never accept her for who she is.
Think of it if the shoe was on the other foot. How would you feel knowing that your fiancee felt the same way about you and your child. You really need to think deep about this. The decision you make regarding the future of your relationship with her will not only effect her, but it will effect you and the children as well. I think you should take a break away for a while.
So true. Not only are your dounts effecting you and her, but there are 4 children who will also be effected by this.
Loving her for her, and accepting her for her is loving and accepting everything that goes with her. Right now you are just loving and accepting parts of her.
You should be discussing this with your fiance. But not doing so, you are not treating her as a fiance - you owe it to her to be direct and straightforward. That is what a MAN would do.
This is not something that should be taken lightly or discussed lighty on here (you state,..."I'm thinking about giving it another try..." like you are thinking about whether or not to have another cup of coffee).
These are CHILDREN you are speaking about. Not items in a store.
You really need to go talk with your fiance.
Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 10-29-2004 at 11:08 AM.
...I might one day accept the kids as just kids and not pay so much attention to the fact that they are not mine but then again I don't know if I will... and I don't want to hold her off because she might find someone better than me
So, you're not at all sure that the woman who you've asked to marry you is really the situation you want, but you don't want to be honest and fair to her because if you were, then she might find someone who WILL love her and her kids unconditionally? This, I must say, is terribly unfair to her. If you're this unsure, she has the right to know, and if she's able to go out and find someone who won't judge her past the way you are, then she should. She deserves to be happy, like we all do, not to be led on by someone who is in essence lying to her, telling her he wants to marry her, but really may or may not, but is lying to her and pretending to be more committed than he really is in order to keep her around just in case he decides in the future he really does want her after all. It's just my hunch, but I feel that if you really loved her and really thought she was that great a woman, it wouldn't matter to you how many different men she had kids with. I mean, you say your father had a child from a different woman before your mom, then married your mom, had you, and then cheated on your mom and had a baby with his mistress, and you say "hey, stuff happens." You don't judge your father for being an adulteror, for hurting your mom, or for bringing another child into the world by another woman besides his wife and thereby splitting his time and loyalty between two families at the same time, because you love him unconditionally. If you loved this woman the same way, you wouldn't judge her either. I think breaking the engagement, or at least telling her your doubts and apprehension, is the fair, honest, decent thing to do. It sounds like she has been nothing but loving and good to you and your little girl. she doesn't deserve to be led on like this.
Re: I want to yet I don't think I can... 
Its either you want to or you don't. I am not being harsh but please excuse the wording here. This is someone's life and feelings. This isn't a toy and if you can work it right you just put it away. This is a human with 3 little children Its either you want to or you dont.
