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Old 10-29-2004, 06:47 AM   #1
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I want to yet I don't think I can...

My fiancee is a mother of 3 girls and they all from different fathers. This woman is extremely beautiful and smart and we are perfect for each other, she is exactly the type of person I have always wanted. I am a father as well and I have a child from a past relationship, the thought of she having 3 kids from 3 different men haunts me, I don't think she did it on purpose (to trick the guy in to marriage or anything like that) but I feel she should have taken better care of herself, she had two kids before the age of 19 and those were only relationships in which you are getting to know yourself and what you would like in a mate but things happen in life I know but it's hard for me to accept the fact that she has 3 kids already. I have not told her straightforward what I think but I question her lots of time about how does a beautiful girl like her gets stuck with 3 girls from 3 different guys and not get married or anything like that. She tells me it's none of my business and it's her past and her life and it's hers and not mines and to concentrate on what we have now and the future and I know this but it's just too much I don't think I can handle the fact that she has 3 kids. I often ask myself, Does she have left anything for me? Doesn't a man marry a woman to have a family and yet she has taken this for granted having kids with man that she shouldn't have. I really love this woman and I have told her that but then I realized I love the woman and not the fact that she is a woman with 3 kids, so I have to love all 4 of them for this relationship to work and I don't know if I do right or if I will ever accept that fact. Her kids are great and they get along with my own daughter and they treat each other like sisters, but to hear them talk about their father and their family calling them and stuff it's just too much to comprehend, I was raised with my father and mother, my father had a kid from a previous relationship when he met my mother and had another kid during the marriage with my mother and my mother stood with him regardless, hey stuff happens. I really think a lot of this woman and she is really great but I don't think I will ever treat her kids the way that maybe someone else will, I don't think I will ever find another woman like her, I feel we are very compatible and I would have married her and be faithful to her the rest of my life if it was only "her" but with the kids and all the baggage and the fathers and stuff it's just too much for me at times and I do think that I can accept it cause it's not that bad, they are good girls.
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Old 10-29-2004, 06:58 AM   #2
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

We all have past but if you are have these doubtful thoughts about your future with them then its best you brake the tie now because you dont want to marry and have a child with her then realize its just to much for you. You really need to give this a lot of though but dont lead her on.

I am going to go against my own will and I will say hold off on talking to her about it right now. Eventually though you will need to figure things out. The only possibility is see pass her past and just care for the girls or move on because you may never get happy over it.

How long have you been together? Have you gave this anythough before you proposed?

I don't mean to sound a bit harsh here but I don't believe in holding people up if the other person is having doubtful thoughts.

Last edited by eightball61; 10-29-2004 at 06:59 AM.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:04 AM   #3
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Cool Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

You would probably not be a good father or role model for this woman's children if you only view them as "this woman's three children". The love of a Mother for her Children run very deep, and you cannot expect her to segregate them for you or for your relationship.

You are a Father, and you love your child as much - so you can't expect her to love her children or put them aside any less.

You ask if she has anything left over for you? If you have to ask that, you have no idea what it means to be able to love your children AND a partner at the same time, and that's a shame. Can YOU love your child and still love your partner? Of course you can, so why do you think it would be any different for her just because she has three children?

You met this woman AFTER she had her relationships that produced three children. You should be focusing on your future, NOT her past. If you are going to question and judge her so much, you should rethink your involvement in this relationship.

Her children are her children - no matter HOW she brought them into this world. Either you love them and accept them and care for them well, or you don't.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:08 AM   #4
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Ok, you need to come to grips with reality. YOU ALSO HAVE CHILD WITH SOMEONE ELSE! How can you put her down for having children with someone else besides you when you do to!!!

When you met this woman, you met her when she had the 3 kids. They are a part of her and that will not change. To not accept the fact she has kids is to not accept a part of her. Why did you get engaged if bothered you so?

Is she uncomfortable with the fact that you also have a child with someone else?

Things happen when you are young and not all that brilliant, and she had 2 kids while a teenager. That's life. She is doing well considering that she is managing and being a good mom to her kids.

I would probably be uncomfortable too getting in a relationship with a guy with 3 kids by 3 other woman, but it's something you either decide to accept and move past, or not accept and not get involved.

You have to decide what is more important in your life right now. Having her, along with her kids (who are part of her now for life), or having you, and starting over with someone else (who may have the same feelings about you having a child). If you decide to not accept her en total, then tell her. Don't string her along. It will end up hurting her and the kids more in the long run.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:10 AM   #5
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

I'm confused

You say shes your finacee? Why did you ask her to marry you if you don't like the idea of her having 3 kids by 3 dads? Shouldn't you have addressed that issue within the first weeks/months of dating?

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:17 AM   #6
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Been together for over 15 months now and I proposed within 6 months, that's the problem, she is a great person really really really great, I really believe we are meant for each other but what makes it difficult is that she has 3 kids and right now it seems like its a lot for me to accept and I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...
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Old 10-29-2004, 07:19 AM   #7
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Quote:
She tells me it's none of my business and it's her past and her life and it's hers and not mines and to concentrate on what we have now and the future and I know this but it's just too much I don't think I can handle the fact that she has 3 kids.
Its none of your business?! This is your fiancee. There should be no secrets. She should be able to tell you anything. Yes, I agree, it is the past, but to keep a secret in a relationship where youre engaged isnt right.
As you said, she may not have had the children to "trap" the other men, but to have someone (her children) that would love her unconditionally. Is she from an abusive home or a home where the parents were absent? I know a woman very similar. She also has 4 children from 3 fathers for this very reason.
Quote:
I often ask myself, Does she have left anything for me?
This is something you need to think carefully about. You are correct in a way. She does have 3 kids. This will not change. You either need to accept this fact and the fact that she will have to split her attention between her 3 kids, you, and hopefully your daughter if you do get married.
Quote:
I really think a lot of this woman and she is really great but I don't think I will ever treat her kids the way that maybe someone else will, I don't think I will ever find another woman like her, I feel we are very compatible and I would have married her and be faithful to her the rest of my life if it was only "her" but with the kids and all the baggage and the fathers and stuff it's just too much for me at times and I do think that I can accept it cause it's not that bad, they are good girls.
It sounds like youre really having some major doubts about this situation. When are you getting married? If its soon, you may want to postpone things so you can think about it. For me, I dont think I could go into a marriage with this many doubts.
You say you and her are compatible, but if youre not liking the fact that she does have 3 kids, the fathers of her kids, "the baggage", then maybe you arent as compatible as you think. Like it or not, the kids and everything that goes with them are a very big part of who she is. Again, she is a mother of 3. This isnt going to change. You either need to accept it, or move on.
I hope Im not sounding insensitive because I can really understand the dilemma youre in. Ive dated women that I was very compatible with..in some ways, but there were other parts of her life that I couldnt accept and other areas that we werent compatible with so as hard as it was, I had to move on.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:25 AM   #8
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Quote:
Originally Posted by junalo
Been together for over 15 months now and I proposed within 6 months, that's the problem, she is a great person really really really great, I really believe we are meant for each other but what makes it difficult is that she has 3 kids and right now it seems like its a lot for me to accept and I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...

Then if you are so meant for eachother then you would be able to work with this issue to be with her. You new for sometime that she had the children. I do beleive that you could take on the fathers role but is it to much for you? How does she feel that you have a child from another women?

I do understand and it would be a wierd place to be in but I would rush into things until I knew for sure that I could deal with that stress of having these guy call or see the kids.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:43 AM   #9
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Quote:
Originally Posted by junalo
Been together for over 15 months now and I proposed within 6 months, that's the problem, she is a great person really really really great, I really believe we are meant for each other but what makes it difficult is that she has 3 kids and right now it seems like its a lot for me to accept and I don't want to waste her time because she is still young and can possibly find someone that can accept her for who she is because I just don't know if I will or ever will...
Then break off the engagement now. This isn't fair to her and if you have doubts like these then you don't need to be engaged to her. I understand that its bothering you now, but how come it didn't bother you enough at 6 months? Get out and leave it alone before you make baby number 4 for her.

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 10-29-2004 at 07:44 AM.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:45 AM   #10
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

She treats my little girl like her own, she is really a great woman that's why I proposed to her because she is that great and I do feel that I kind of rush things and now I am rethinking the situation...I might one day accept the kids as just kids and not pay so much attention to the fact that they are not mine but then again I don't know if I will... and I don't want to hold her off because she might find someone better than me
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Old 10-29-2004, 07:47 AM   #11
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to at least go to school?

If she treats your daughteer like her own, it's only fair for you to treat he daughters like your own.

If your having problems doing that, you really need to talk to her about it.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:49 AM   #12
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Quote:
Originally Posted by junalo
and I don't want to hold her off because she might find someone better than me

Your are right and she thinks she found that one. That is why I said don't hold it off to long. If you feel that you can grasp things and try to work it out then step your foot in now and see how the future will work but if you find it still bothering you then you need to do something about it.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 08:06 AM   #13
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Is the fact that these kids are not yours bother you, or is it the fact that she has three kids from three different men?

Let me tell ya,,,,that's alot of baggage. Personally, I couldn't do it, but that's just me. Not that I couldn't love the kids, I just couldn't take all the choas and drama that goes along with a situation like this. I like my life simple.

Bottom line: I think you better sit down and re-think this before you make baby #5, and she becomes a woman with 4 kids from 4 different men.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 08:07 AM   #14
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

13, 10 and 5 and my daughter is 4. I am thinking about giving it another try...
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Old 10-29-2004, 08:09 AM   #15
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Re: I want to yet I don't think I can...

Quote:
Originally Posted by junalo
13, 10 and 5 and my daughter is 4. I am thinking about giving it another try...

You shouldn't have anything to think about here Its either you want to or you don't. I am not being harsh but please excuse the wording here. This is someone's life and feelings. This isn't a toy and if you can work it right you just put it away. This is a human with 3 little children Its either you want to or you dont.

 
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