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Old 11-08-2004, 05:14 PM   #1
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Greenoctopus18 HB User
People Lying

Hi. I have been seeing a guy for almost 6 months now.
When we first were together I had lots of people (mainly his 'friends') telling me that he smokes a lot of pot and also deals it on occasions.
I just casually asked him once or twice and he seemed so offended I was sure that he mustn't.

At this time one of the guys he lives with said a lot of things about him - saying that he doesn't have any friends (which he does), saying he smokes pot at least once daily and that all girls think he is a nice guy but it is all just an act. The stuff he was saying made him seem very jealous of him.
Just so things make more sense, I will refer to this guy as 'D'.

After I had known my boyfriend almost 4 months he turned 21 and I was invited to his party, along with other people from university, which happened to be at his parents' house. I guess some people may consider it strange meeting someone's parents after just months. I don't know. But at this party D came up to me and said how weird it is me meeting his parents and that it was too soon, in his opinion.
Later I heard from my sister (she had been dating D for about 4 weeks at this point), that he wanted to come and meet her parents - after 4 weeks! Yet he said to me it was too soon for me to be meeting his parents after 4 months. It was like he was suggesting our relationship is not worth as much as theirs - and I don't know this guy D at all.

Recently my sister said that D told her more stuff about my boyfriend but that I can't confront him about it because he will know where I heard it from and then D would be in trouble for me finding out.
He said that my bf used to smoke pot twice each day and since meeting me still does, but not as often as before... but still a lot.

Now I don't know what to think or believe. It is making me wonder whether I should trust my boyfriend because he has made it clear to me that he doesn't smoke pot. Though he admits that he has 'delivered' it before - not dealt with money, but for a friend he has taken it to other friends if he was going to be seeing them.

But then this D guy does not seem like a very decent and reliable person from all other stuff I have heard about him - even from my sister. My bf told me that he makes a point to let him know he has 'relations' with my sister on a regular basis. I don't think much of a guy that tells other guys things like that. He seems extremely insecure and immature. So it makes sense that he is so insecure and/or jealous to make up these things. But then, I don't understand why he would. He appears to think he is better than anyone else, but then what he says suggests he is very insecure.

What do people think?
Another thing is, since he has been with my sister, since the first day they have been together ever since. The first date he slept over and has slept over every night. She makes plans with me and then either doesn't show or cancels because he wants her to do other things. She isn't allowed to go out unless he is there, and if she sees someone she knows while at a club or whatever (other girls) he doesn't let her speak to them. Instead she has to talk and socialise with his friends. I guess I worry about her. I see her maybe once every 10-14 days, depsite living maybe 2 minutes walk away. I can see where she lives from here! But I never get to see her. When I do see her, she says things that really scare me. I have been in a controlling relationship before and have posted here previously and I know the signs to watch for. She still finds these things 'cute', but I worry about in the future because I know how far things can go. She seems happy how things are now, but it has only been three months maximum. And she hasn't had a boyfriend before. I don't know. This is off-topic anyway.


So, I guess my question is: what should I do about these 'rumours' I hear?
If they are true it is a pretty big thing to hide from someone for 6 months... but it would be easy enough, I guess. I will try a direct question tonight when I see him next so that there is no doubt that he knows what I am asking.
I just hate it, because until this I haven't doubted this relationship at all. Now I am beginning to wonder and when he is here and I remember things I don't know what to think, but I feel like I am losing feelings for him over this.

 
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Old 11-08-2004, 06:21 PM   #2
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: People Lying

Hey!
This guy D sounds like an obnoxious creep. Not only would I not believe a word that came from him, but I would be really upset about my sister being involved with someone like that!
I know what it's like to have someone trying to break up your relationship with lies. You have to ask yourself, what reason does D have to tell you that your boyfriend smokes pot behind your back? Is he jealous? Is he just a compulsive liar? Does he hold a grudge against your bf for some reason?
The next thing you have to ask yourself is have you ever caught your boyfriend in a lie, or do you have any reason to suspect that these rumors are true? Don't drive yourself crazy trying to catch him doing something wrong, just keep your eyes open to suspicious behavior, and keep your ears open to lies.
If I were you, I would try to catch D in a blatant lie (which should be easy with your sister dating him). For instance, you said he asked your sister to meet your family after only 4 weeks... Could you ask him about that? Say to him "Hey, I know you said it was too soon for my boyfriend to meet my family, but how soon did you and my sister make that move?" This is a perfect example of a way to catch him in a small lie. Even something insignificant. Because if he can lie about that, chances are he's a liar in general and you don't have to worry.
One more thing (and I speak from experience): DO NOT let on to your boyfriend that you are suspicious about the truth behind these rumors. He has told you his side... he wants your trust. Don't let him know that there's any doubt in your mind, even if there is. Turn those negative thoughts on D and catch him at his own game.
Truly, though. Don't let this ruin your relationship. This guy seriously sounds sketchy. Don't let the drama ruin what you have. Instead, just try to let it go in one ear and out the other until you have a REAL reason to suspect that your bf is being dishonest. Enjoy your time with him and try to keep thinking positively!

 
Old 11-08-2004, 08:40 PM   #3
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healthseeker HB User
Re: People Lying

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
Hi. I have been seeing a guy for almost 6 months now.
When we first were together I had lots of people (mainly his 'friends') telling me that he smokes a lot of pot and also deals it on occasions.
I just casually asked him once or twice and he seemed so offended I was sure that he mustn't.
You said he seemed so offended - but did he actually say "No, I don't use pot." Just curious. You seem to really have a good thing going on here and I think I would try and resolve this worry so that you can get back to building what sounds like a great relationship start.

Okay, as for "D". Boy, have I had my share of this kind. Here's the deal - some people for some unknown reason are "dividers and conquerers". There is never a time that they are not trying separate people by stiring the pot. It is a constant state of manipulation and destruction. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN to get your sister away from him. She is headed down a bad road (really bad from the other things you have said) and even if you have to set him up to cheat on her - boy I'm gonna get blasted on here for saying that!!! Just get her out of there!!!!

Keep us posted!!!

 
Old 11-08-2004, 08:59 PM   #4
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Greenoctopus18 HB User
Re: People Lying

Hello. Thanks for your reply.

I have been getting a bit worried about my sister lately. I just think that, being her older sister, I should see her at least once every few days seeing as we live so close.
Before this past few months we were close friends too. We would eat together every night, watch movies/TV and go shopping together regularly. Then all of a sudden she stopped spending time with any of her friends. She misses her classes because he stays there all morning and she can't get ready. She says she doesn't get time to eat breakfast or lunch. I don't know what she does about dinner now. She doesn't even have time to brush her teeth in the morning before she leaves. I just don't know. I guess she will learn eventually.

The thing is, I don't know this guy at all. I have met him several times, but that's it. I spoke to him a bit at that party, but most of what I hear about him is from my sister. My boyfriend only has nice things to say about him, which I don't like because I have to sit there listening to him say what a nice person he is when I know he says all this other stuff about him behind his back.
Because I don't know him makes it harder to catch him out with his lies.
So, I have no idea why he would say these things, unless he has something against my bf or he is jealous of him for whatever reason. I don't think there are any other expanations really.

The closest thing to lying, well, I guess the only lie I know my bf has told is in a voicemail message he left on my phone he said he was calling at around 3, but when I went to reply it said the message had been left at 5pm... so...I guess that's a lie. I never mentioned it though.

Lately, because I have been thinking about it, there are some times I see him and he is in a strange mood.. or just different. But he always invites me to go out on the weekends or whenever with his friends, which I assume is when he might be most likely to do it... but to do it EVERY day! I don't know. You would think I should be able to tell if he is arriving stoned all the time. I just don't think so.

The only other explanation I can think is that maybe he did smoke a lot in the past but is trying to quit gradually without me knowing. I don't know. He treats me with more respect than any guy I have known. He respects everything I say and believe and things I don't want to do. And I respect him a lot too. The fact that 6 months into a relationship and I don't want to have sex I think is a big test. lol. This is my last semester at university so I don't need that kind of stress and I really appreciate that he respects that and doesn't leave me! .. not that any guy should leave someone for that... but a lot would.

Thanks again for your reply.

 
Old 11-08-2004, 09:17 PM   #5
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Greenoctopus18 HB User
Re: People Lying

Quote:
Originally Posted by healthseeker
You said he seemed so offended - but did he actually say "No, I don't use pot." Just curious.
Yes. Good question. I haven't ever actually asked straight out - which is why I think I will do it when I see him next - later today. If I explain why I am suspicious hopefully he won't take it too badly.
When I asked, it was usually half-joking, but he took it seriously. I know he used to at high school, but that was 5 years ago. And he has mentioned it to me a few times. Other times he has said how sad the lives of some of his friends (from high school) are because of the drugs and he says how he is glad he stopped then and didn't continue with it.
He has had many opportunities to tell me. The first time I 'asked' was within a few days of knowing him, so it wasn't like we were 'attached' in any way and he could have been honest.


With my sister.. I haven't spoken to her for over a week. I call occasionally, but she is never there. We used to go to the gym together often and I still sometimes call to see if she would like to come, but she doesn't ever answer.
When I did see her last she always confides in me about stuff about the guy. She tells me he has extreme mood swings and I just jokingly said it sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder and she got so angry at me. She was just so defensive it surprised me. It was obviously a joke, although it did seem quite serious to me.

It feels wrong to try and break them up, although it seems like the best option. I have made many subtle suggestions to her and asked whether he seems mentally stable to her. I bring up things she has told me in the past as examples and she then denies that those things ever happened... when they were things she came to me to discuss because they affected her so much at the time.

I have witnessed some 'innocent flirting' on his behalf. But, he seems so competely obsessed with my sister, I don't think he would cheat on her. He definately won't give her a chance to cheat on him either.
It is the Summer break in a few weeks time, so hopefully three months apart will give her time to think about it.

Thanks for your opinion.

 
Old 11-09-2004, 06:22 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: People Lying

I would have my doubts about him too. I have always said though if you can't trust your partner then there is no point to be with that person. In words he does sound like a lyer and the only thing you can do is either believe him or not to beleive him. Its your choice from there but my choice would be to leave before it gets worse.

 
Old 11-09-2004, 06:45 AM   #7
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Typical Girlie HB User
Re: People Lying

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
Yes. Good question. I haven't ever actually asked straight out - which is why I think I will do it when I see him next - later today. If I explain why I am suspicious hopefully he won't take it too badly.

Only people who have something to hide take it badly.


When I asked, it was usually half-joking, but he took it seriously. I know he used to at high school, but that was 5 years ago. And he has mentioned it to me a few times. Other times he has said how sad the lives of some of his friends (from high school) are because of the drugs and he says how he is glad he stopped then and didn't continue with it.

You weren't half joking, you tried to pretend it was half joking incase he got angry and you didn't get the outcome you wanted. If you're going to confront someone at least be open and upfront about your convictions and then stand by them!

He has had many opportunities to tell me. The first time I 'asked' was within a few days of knowing him, so it wasn't like we were 'attached' in any way and he could have been honest.

You may not have been attached at that stage, but you were anticipating you would be at some stage at least, hence why you asked. You made decisions then. If you were not attached you had the right to walk away, remaining 'unattached', am i right?


With my sister.. I haven't spoken to her for over a week. I call occasionally, but she is never there. We used to go to the gym together often and I still sometimes call to see if she would like to come, but she doesn't ever answer.
When I did see her last she always confides in me about stuff about the guy. She tells me he has extreme mood swings and I just jokingly said it sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder and she got so angry at me. She was just so defensive it surprised me. It was obviously a joke, although it did seem quite serious to me.

You didn't ask her jokingly tho, things like that aren't jokes are they? Of course she is going to react badly. Should sisters behave like this? I think not.

It feels wrong to try and break them up, although it seems like the best option. I have made many subtle suggestions to her and asked whether he seems mentally stable to her. I bring up things she has told me in the past as examples and she then denies that those things ever happened... when they were things she came to me to discuss because they affected her so much at the time.

Again you bring up mentally stable. So like I said the first time around you weren't joking. If you're not like I said before stand by your convictions and stand firm, don't hide behind 'humor'

I have witnessed some 'innocent flirting' on his behalf. But, he seems so competely obsessed with my sister, I don't think he would cheat on her. He definately won't give her a chance to cheat on him either.
It is the Summer break in a few weeks time, so hopefully three months apart will give her time to think about it.

I've been through a similar situation recently with my sister and I now realize the key....give someone enough rope, eventually they will hang themself.

Thanks for your opinion.

 
Old 11-09-2004, 02:38 PM   #8
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Greenoctopus18 HB User
Re: People Lying

Well, the only reason I had doubts was because of this person telling me these lies. It would make anyone wonder, I think.
Six months is not long to know someone, and not long enough to trust them completely, in my opinion.


Just to clarify... I am talking about two different people here.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Typical Girlie
Only people who have something to hide take it badly.
Personally, I would take it worse if I didn't have something to hide and felt like someone was accusing me of something I didn't do.


[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]You weren't half joking, you tried to pretend it was half joking incase he got angry and you didn't get the outcome you wanted. If you're going to confront someone at least be open and upfront about your convictions and then stand by them!QUOTE]

Yes. I was half joking. If he had been angry over something like that I wouldn't be seeing him again. And at that point I didn't care whether he smoked drugs. I simply asked because I found it strange people 'warning' me before I even knew him. He wouldn't be angry if I asked something like that now. I just don't want to offend him by asking. But this person has brought it up again, so I would like to know who it is making things up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Typical Girlie
You didn't ask her jokingly tho, things like that aren't jokes are they? Of course she is going to react badly. Should sisters behave like this? I think not.
Ok. This was after she had known him for just weeks. The stuff she told me about him honestly does suggest he has some huge problems.
He gets moody over nothing and makes her cry then doesn't let her back into her bed. Then next time he wakes up he acts completely innocent, sweet-talks her and then he is forgiven.
When I asked, I was serious. I made it sound like I was joking. I didn't just say he had something wrong. I wouldn't know. She would have reacted badly no matter how I said it.
She has brought it up since and thought that maybe he does.. so sadly, she knows that it makes sense.
I know her, and I know that 95% of the time she wouldn't have taken offense to something like that. She is just defensive of him.. and has been since a few days of knowing him. Yet, she comes to me telling me all the things he says/does asking whether that sounds normal to her.
I think it is a perfectly ordinary way for sisters or friends to behave... where I am from it is anyway. If you can't make comments like that, what do you do. Just go around pretending everything is ok?
I can't explain. All I know is I was saying it with good intentions.

 
Old 11-09-2004, 02:54 PM   #9
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eightball61 HB User
Re: People Lying

Rumors are rumors.....Rumors can be true and they could be lies. A lot of times when multiple people are saying the same thing then the chances of the rumor being real is high. Many people make the rumor worse than it really it but it still has a form of it not being a lie. I am not saying that he is smoking or he is not but you have to really think about this. It may be a lie from someone that he ticked off but yet again many people are saying it which makes it hard to believe in my book.

 
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