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Old 11-18-2004, 07:16 AM   #1
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I know I'm facing an argument.

Alot of you know my situation from my previous threads. Right now I am to the point that I cannot go on any longer with the fighting and arguing. We haven't argued lately, but I know that it is coming this weekend.

He has been down to the camp since Sunday, and I haven't seen him since then (today is Thrus), but will have to go and see him tommorrow night. Part of me is excited to see him, and part of me is dreading it.

We have had one argument this week which wasn't a big argument, just him irritating me on the phone. He asked me like 500 questions as to where I was and what I did the night before. Other than that, when we talk on the phone (probably like 2 times a day), it's not really that long, but we do get along really good.

It's when we see each other that is when the fighting begins again. When I go see him, then leave to go do something else, or go see my friends, it's always a big argument.

This weekend I want to spend Saturday night with my friends. I have been with my b/f the last 2 or 3 weekends (Fri, Sat & Sun morning), and would like to go do something with them (without him) on Saturday night. I still plan on seeing him Friday night,staying until Saturday morning and then going down again Sunday. I know for certain that this will cause a fight. He sees weekends as 'his" time. Either that or he will ask to go with me. But i don't tag along with his and his buddies, why should I take him with me when I go see the girls? He has been down there all week with his friends without me. I'm not going to be drinking or anything like that. I know that he will use the thing that "i haven't seen you all week and you are taking off for the day like you did last weekend" (I went shopping with a friend last Saturday from 10am-7pm and it was a fight). He sees me as putting him 2nd to my friends when I leave him on the weekends to go with them. He says it really "hurts" him.

I know that we haven't seen each other all week, but it was because HE has been down to the camp since Sunday. He was gone all week. HE was hanging out with his friends and family ALL week. I was working all week, and seen my friends 2 times for like an hour each all week.

He's told me time and again after we are making up from our argument that he sees my point, I do need time with friends, family, etc, and he asks me 900 questions beacuse he is scared of loosing me and will not do that anymore. He even bought me a promise ring to "prove" that he is serious that he will not pick things to fight with anymore.

He says these things at the time, but when it comes time to show that he means it, it doesn't happen. We go through the same fighting again.

I know that he is just resisting change but I had told him this when we were getting back together. I told him that when we were living together, all I had time for was work and him. Ever. I worked all week, went to his house after work, then weekends I was at his house from Fri-Monday morning and the week would start over again. I explained how I need friends and family time too. He gets his time with friends and family when I am working because he can hang out with them all day. Then he wants to hang out with me at night, which I can undertand. But he has to realize that my new friends and family time has to come after work and on weekends too, which does mean that it will cut down on his time. He agreed to that, and still agrees to that, but fights me when he notices he is loosing time. He is ok with it during the week, bacuse he is to the camp, but on weekends, it seems to be a nono. Why?

He compalins because we are not imtimate much. (I don't see him much, but thinks that when we do see each other it should happen, and gets pi$$ed if it doesn't). Right now, I would not consider myself happy in my relationship. When he is constantly fighting with me about sex, or fighting with me because I want to go with my friends for a day on the weekend, then I really loose my desire to be intimate with him, or even be cuddly with him. I"ve told him that.

We've both agreed that we can't continue on how things are, (fighting) because it is getting us no where. He has agreed to slack off of the picking at things, and I said that if we stop fighting all the time then it will make it alot easier to be intimate with him.

We have gained a little from this time last month. The jealousy level has dropped a bit. He hasn't had any more punching the wall fits, we have been able to have "good nights" without fighting or arguing. We have talked about near future things like Christmas, and planning a vacation for Feb. We have discussed long term things such as fixing up his house, paying it off and selling it so he can move down with me. But then an argument comes again, and it upsets all the progress we are making.

Right now I think about how much I miss him when he is to the camp. I do miss him. I look forward to talking to him on the phone. When we are apart we get along so much better, and I can enjoy my life durig the week, knowing that I will get to talk to him at supper time and then before I go to bed. The thought of being without him permenantly makes me sad. I love him. I don't love or even like his new attitude, but I do love him. I know the type of person that he was, and who I fell in love with. I know that he is still there, but just gets overcome with the insecurities.

I know that if I was to leave him I would be miserable. I love him. I really do. I would devistate him and me. I would second guess myself and wish that I could go back in time and fix it. I would long for him, and not be able to talk to him. I would miss his family and out pets something awful. Christmas is coming and I would face the holidays without him, even though I love him to peices.

I just don't know that else to do. It all seems like a loose-loose situation. Leaving him would be so complely hard because I do love him alot.

Right now I am concerned about this weekend. I KNOW this will cause a fight. I can garuntee it. And I am to the point that I can getting so sick and tired of fighting and arguing. But don't want to loose him.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle this weekend?

 
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Old 11-18-2004, 07:25 AM   #2
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Personally I think you are going to much out of your way for him and thats part of the problem. Why can't he skip a day out of the weekend or the whole weekend to come see you? Why does it always have to be you?

What I would do is go down on friday and only friday. Hang with friends like you want to on Saturday no matter what. On Sunday I would use that as a rest day. You deserve a good day of rest and thats a day to do it. Don't drive around for him. Like I said before you need to space yourself out. Yes, you have not seen him all week but I would take Sunday as a day for rest and unplug your telephone while your at it. You know you need this.

As for the argueing I pointed it out before and its only going to get worse before better. I have suggested that you give yourself space from the whole thing for sometime without contact. It will be hard but will do you both good. You both really need this time right now. You need t more than he does. He needs to set a few things in his life like priorities straight and now is a good time. Its up to you though and thats my take for the weekend.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:43 AM   #3
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Personally I think you are going to much out of your way for him and thats part of the problem. Why can't he skip a day out of the weekend or the whole weekend to come see you? Why does it always have to be you?

What I would do is go down on friday and only friday. Hang with friends like you want to on Saturday no matter what. On Sunday I would use that as a rest day. You deserve a good day of rest and thats a day to do it. Don't drive around for him. Like I said before you need to space yourself out. Yes, you have not seen him all week but I would take Sunday as a day for rest and unplug your telephone while your at it. You know you need this.

As for the argueing I pointed it out before and its only going to get worse before better. I have suggested that you give yourself space from the whole thing for sometime without contact. It will be hard but will do you both good. You both really need this time right now. You need t more than he does. He needs to set a few things in his life like priorities straight and now is a good time. Its up to you though and thats my take for the weekend.
Thanx Eightball. I really dont see time apart as doing anything beneficial for the relationship. To me right now it seems that it will contiune or end. I know that I love him, and I know that I want to be with him, I don't need the time. His arguing and his insecrities are making that really difficult. But they are not my arguments or my insecurities.

I do not have the desire to question what he does. Even though he was the one who cheated, I NEVER question him. I know I have all the right to, but I don't. I don't suspect he's doing anything , I don't even really worry about it presently.

I know the sex thing bothers him, but like partners say "im not a machine". When the relationship is stressful, it takes the desire for me to want to 'please" him, and throws it right out the window. That's basically the last thing on my mind. So when we are having a good night (which alot of times is just making up) he excepts it. To me, it's nice to just be there with him, us enjoying being with each other, and absorbe the peace.

I do plan on going with my friends on Sat. He will ask to come along, and I will tell him no. He seems to think that I am trying to hide something from him because I won't take him with me. BUt really, none of my freinds bring thier b/f's when hanging out with the girls, why should I? And what fun would that be for him?

As for me going to see him, it is just alot easier that way. That way I can leave when I want to, get there when I want to, etc. When I leave to do with me friends, he will still be there to stay with his.

I just would like to be able to aviod an argument this weekend, because I have a feeling it could be a real blow out. I'm scared that it might be so big that it ends things, and I really don't want to do that.

Last edited by Cp406; 11-18-2004 at 07:44 AM.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:44 AM   #4
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Cool Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Calista,

At this point, I'm not sure any of the posters know what OTHER (new) advice to offer you.

To be in a relationship where you have to break down your time and report your whereabouts is NOT a relatioship. It's a job.

He treats you like a child, not a lover. He does't even act like a friend. He's become your Hall Monitor!

You should be with someone strong and mature. Someone who honors and respects your choices. Someone who admires you for being well rounded and outgoing. Someone whose goals and relationship desires match your own.

He is sucking you dry. I hope you have a little something left when you finally make the decision to call it quits. And you will - because he is clearly not for you.

Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 11-18-2004 at 07:48 AM.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:51 AM   #5
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Calista,

Help me out. What is this "camp" you talk about? Maybe you have already explained it, but I never saw the post.
Why is your boyfriend always there? Doesn't he work?

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:53 AM   #6
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Calista...I tend to agree with Jeff in the sense that HE needs to make some travellinfg time to see YOU. From following your posts....you are working and he is not. You have less time to see your family and friends and he has more. You need to learn to balance things more....there will come a time when he will have less time & then you reevaluate. Why can't he come to you Friday spent as much time with you as possible, you do your thing on Saturday and spend the time together on Sunday???

If he gives you any problem....shine that promise ring in his direction And remind him of what he has promised you I think it would probably be bet to discuss this all on the phone today....tell him you miss him lots and are really looking forward to seeing him and need to see your friends whom you haven't seen as well. Lay out our plan and say how you would probably have moretime together if he came to you. Ask him to come early and get plans together for a nice dinner etc. on Friday night since he is not working. Tell him you want something fun to do even if he goes out to buy a game the two of you can play....act all excited and say you really need this in order to chill out with him after a long week at work. Be positive....and remind him how he's no less important....jsut that you want to spend mowt of your time with him and at the same time sqeeze a little in with your friends.

How does this sound...I think you just have to act a little postive & not let him bring you down. Positive gets positive while negative gets negative. I've been saying this alot to myself lately and it really turns things around. Let me know what you think and good luck....Goody

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:54 AM   #7
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

The camp is, well it's a cottage. It's about 1 1/2 hours from my house. His family (grandparents, parents, brother), and a bunch of his friends are all down there Deer hunting.

He does work.. He is a lobster fisherman, and makes decent $, but the season is only open from the last week of November to the end of May.

Last edited by Cp406; 11-18-2004 at 09:04 AM.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 07:59 AM   #8
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

I understand by you going up there because it is easier for you to leave but I don't understand on why you think that spending time away won't help? It could help but you wont know until you try....What do you think is going to continue to happen if you keep seeing him like this? You both are going to continue to fight till you have the last straw.....

 
Old 11-18-2004, 08:50 AM   #9
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CalistaClap
Right now I am to the point that I cannot go on any longer with the fighting and arguing. We haven't argued lately, but I know that it is coming this weekend. . . . . . Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle this weekend?
Up until now, you have been comfortable taking baby steps to rebuild your relationship. Maybe faster than you thought, the baby steps have taken you nose-to-nose with a critical decision. Only you can make that decision. In fact, just yesterday you said, “No one can convice me to leave him, it has to be when i'm ready.” This thread appears to say that you realize this weekend could result in you reaching your breaking point but, even so, you are not ready to leave him. How should you handle that? …like you planned to handle that when you decided to rebuild your relationship.

Did your plan to rebuild the relationship truly allow for the possibility of failure? Did you think that by taking baby steps that you would be giving him plenty of time to work through the problems and rebuilding couldn’t fail? You must be honest with yourself. You do not have an unlimited amount of time to make a decision. Do you have the strength to make the decision that you fear making?

 
Old 11-18-2004, 09:24 AM   #10
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
Did your plan to rebuild the relationship truly allow for the possibility of failure? Did you think that by taking baby steps that you would be giving him plenty of time to work through the problems and rebuilding couldn’t fail? You must be honest with yourself. You do not have an unlimited amount of time to make a decision. Do you have the strength to make the decision that you fear making?

I've known that baby steps are the way and for the past 2 months that's exactly what we have been doing. We have had bad times and good times. The bad times seem to be getting less and less, but they are definatly still there.

I did know that it could fail, but we went into it knowing that we loved each other so much. I never want to be without him, and he feels the same about me.

I don't mind going down and seeing him. I know that he would come and see me if I asked him, but I offered. It really is alot easier. Plus I am now living with my parents, so it's just better I go see him.

I really do believe that he is fighting the change. He said he wants it how it was, and I said that I don't. But then he'll agree with me that he sees my point. I want how it was but with time with friends and family. I really don't see 2 hours a week as enough time to spend with my friends. Especially when they have been nothing but supportive of me since I"ve known them.

We are both starting to get frustrated with the fighting. He sees me as putting him 2nd, which really I don't think that they should be #'d. B/f is just as important and friends and family. He is not more important, or less important.

I'm not sure if I have the strength to end it if I come to that. I fear yes that I do, and I fear no that I don't. I'm really hoping that it doesn't get to that point.

I think that my getting annoyed and irritated is stemming from the arguing that is going on. I want nothing more than to be happy with this man, but it seems impossible the way he is picking fights all the time, and not compormising any of the time with me. I really do believe that is why I am irritated. I start to get a little happy or comfortable and then the insecurities arise again. Even if it is him hugging me 99 times in one day, he is being clingy because he is insecure.

We've been together long enough that we are past the "new love" stage that I don't have the feeling of needing to be close to him at every second. I am just as content to sit in another chair when watching a movie, then lay down with him. I am very content to go about my business doing things around the house, playing with the cats, etc, without hugging him everytime we cross pathes (which is all the time).

I guess I am not looking for new advice, because I've been in this same situation for a few months now, I am just looking for advice on how I should go about this weekend.

I am really nervous about this. Goody your idea is good, and I will try that. But the argument always occurs right before I leave.

How can I go about it without causing an argument? This is something that I will not back down on. So I am scared that this could be the final blow. I'm scared to loose him, because I really do love him.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 09:34 AM   #11
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CalistaClap
I am really nervous about this. Goody your idea is good, and I will try that. But the argument always occurs right before I leave.

How can I go about it without causing an argument? This is something that I will not back down on. So I am scared that this could be the final blow. I'm scared to loose him, because I really do love him.

Calista....You are approaching a crossroad and I think you know it. This weekend may be the make it or break it weekend. I suggested he come to you scenrio because you seem to be meeting on his turf and where things ended. His coming to you would allow you to see how he acts on your turf....may not be any better but still it will allow you to see if how he behaves is something that occurs in the familiar than the unfamiliar. Also...Heartland is right in the quesions he proposes to you...looking at them will allow you to see the relationship as it stands rather thatn the way you would like it to be. Seems to me in your response that you are moving awya from him (playing with the cat...wanting to sit in separate chairs etc.) Do you see that?


You ask how you can avoid an argument....flash that promise ring his way...if he continues to argue then he is not in this for you but in this for himself. What do you think???

 
Old 11-18-2004, 09:49 AM   #12
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CalistaClap
How can I go about it without causing an argument? .

Then don't stay to argue....If he want to argue then just go. You even said it and you don't want it. The only way to make things go down is either give the distance(which you stated you won't try) or just leaving. Argueing is not getting anywheres so there is not point to stay. I know you are not looking for new advice and thats not a problem. The thing that we have to get you through is this new phase of argueing. There is only going to be 2 ways to get out of this and thats either giving up or keeping the arguements going. The arguements may eventually go down but its hard to tell how much worse they may get. The only way to control that is walking out.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 09:56 AM   #13
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Seems to me in your response that you are moving awya from him (playing with the cat...wanting to sit in separate chairs etc.) Do you see that?

You ask how you can avoid an argument....flash that promise ring his way...if he continues to argue then he is not in this for you but in this for himself. What do you think???

I was using the sitting in seperate chairs things just to show that the "newness feeling" in the relationship is gone. I don't see that as being something bad. It is just that I don't feel the need to be stuck to him all of the time. It doesn't mean that I love him any less, it just means that I am growing out of the new phase. When we watch TV, we are ALWAYS sitting beside each other, or laying on the coach together. Im not complaining about that, but I am also just as confortable to sit in a chair, or on the floor or something and not be next to him all of the time. He does not feel like that. He thinks there is something wrong if I am not beside him all of the time. Basically he is a very clingy person, and I am not. I'm not cold to him, but don't have it as a priority.

Flashing the ring thing is a good plan. It will hopefully remind him that he is doing exactly what he promised not to do.

I just can't shake this nervous feeling. Last weekend was a big blowout because I left for the day (Sat) and came home that night. He was cring and saying how hurt he was because I'm putting him second. It was almost the end there. I almost walked out, but I looked at him and seen how hurt he was, and how much I really love him and don't want him to feel like that, but I can't help it because I don't see that I am doing anything wrong.

Am I doing anything wrong to him? If anyone thinks so, please tell me. Beacuse I want to do the right thing.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 09:56 AM   #14
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Behavioural modifications to suit an immediate need. Promisez (oops, promises )kept when convenient or seriously expected to, arguments over the most minor things. Physical anger directed at walls that could just as easily be directed at a "loved one". The other person in the relationship changing their thought patterns to find only the good in things and getting harder to find it. Possession issues. Mental anguish over the most minor daily things including just seeing someone. I only hit the basics but these are the exact same behaviours of an active alcoholic and an enabling spouse. He may not be a drunk, he may not even drink but he sure shows a LOT of the behaviours of an alcoholic. Odd that the first thing I thought of was my standard answer to an abused spouse. A seperation with love may be in order here to protect your own sanity.
"Insanity - Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results." Whether he shows some improvement some of the time, the same thing happens everytime and you know deep down it will never be a permanent improvement, just a convenient one when necessary. You need a break, I'm placing you on my prayer list tonight.

Last edited by promisez; 11-18-2004 at 09:57 AM.

 
Old 11-18-2004, 09:59 AM   #15
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Re: I know I'm facing an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CalistaClap

Flashing the ring thing is a good plan. It will hopefully remind him that he is doing exactly what he promised not to do.

I am sorry against the grain but I dont feel flashing the ring is a good idea. I will tell you from expierence that does hurt. Yes, it may tell him something but so won't leaving instead of argueing. If he doesn't get the point that way then I am afraid to say he never will

 
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