Ok i need s traight up blunt advice about me in general. - Relationship Health Message Board

Ronaldinho · 11-23-2004, 03:07 PM

Hey guys,

This looks to be one of the best relationship forums on the net. And I need advice. I am a 20 year old male. I am at that stage in my life where I would like to settle down a bit and go out with a girl. I have never gone out with girls seriously(my longest is four months) and well I have found a girl I would like to and she also with me. Now that is all well and good...

But there is one problem. I am seriously bothered by something I can not help. My family are not close. My parents are married and are in their 60's. I am the youngest. My brother and sister are both adopted(i think this has a role to play) and are married and living their own lives, they are not close with each other. They speak to each other briefly when they bump into each other when they both happen to be in my parents house. I am totally different to the two of them. My sister is 31, successful and happily married. This is all well and good. My brother is not married but has been with his girlfriend for like 10 years, is 28, and has 3 children. It bothers me that he is not married and that he does not have a good career. He works in a library doing what he is doing and he enjoys it. He is very odd(in my eyes). But that is ok...let him do what he wants to do...I know that.

Now, my mother and my father for whatever reasons are not close with their siblings mainly due to geographical restrictions or whatever, well my mother fell out with her mother and her sisters...but I do not have any aunts/uncles/cousins who I know. So basically, all I have are my parents and my brother and sister. I also notice how i get really jealous when i hear my friends talking about going out to dinner with their family or going over to their relations for family dinner because I have never had that. I go to my sisters for Xmas dinnerand out for dinner with her and her husband when they are over and usually with my parents and that is greatbut infrequent.

But it seriously bothers me that I do not have that! It just seems each girl I meet comes from a really close knit family(which is amazing and I would love to have that) but I just feel really insecure about the fact I have no relations whom I know or see...and I suppose the fact my parents are older(mid 60's) it all makes me feel very insecure, not about myself but about my family...and introducing my girlfriend/s to my family.

Am I getting in a mess over nothing? Or Do you understand me!? I need blunt advice. Is it normal for me to feel this way!?

Thanks a lot,
Andy,Dubin,Ireland.

Ninispjc · 11-23-2004, 04:10 PM

I can understand how coming from a family that's not the perfect ideal can be intimidating, especially when you're dating someone who comes from a seemingly good, wholesome, close, perfect family. But the most important thing to remember is that you can't pick your family. They are what they are. It's a total waste of time to be embarrassed or ashamed of them. The only thing you can do is be the best you that you know how to be. I wouldn't be too embarrassed about introducing your girl to your family or your parents. If she really cares for you, she will accept them and not judge you by who or what they are.

adzza · 11-23-2004, 06:22 PM

Hey mate. I can understand where you are coming from, however my family is close so i have no personal stories to tell. I think settling down would do you a world of good. It seems that something is missing from your life, and its obviosly your family ties. If you find someone you like, open up to them and they will become a part of your life. This i think will ease a lot of these feelings because you will realise that you care for each other and are alwasy there for each other. Thats whats missing at the moment. Just remember not to dive into the deep end though. Dont become to attached to quickly because if things turn sour for whatever reason, its gonna hurt. Make sure you are comfortable expressing yourself to her, and if you are, i am sure it will help you a lot. Really take your mind off things. I am 21, and what i would say a resonably good looking guy, and i have only ever dated 2 girls, 1 for 5 years which i just broke up with, and i have just started seeing someone else. I dont do the whole play up thing because i believe that having a companion is much better than any one night stand. Hope this helps mate. Best of luck.

desertdweller · 11-23-2004, 07:04 PM

I can relate to your feelings. My family is not very close, and when I was younger, I felt itimidated by close knit families. I was married for 10 years to a man that had a very close family. Most close families eventually welcome you in, and you get to enjoy what you never had. Although, you have to take the good with the bad, sometimes there is family drama and complexities that can be foreign to a person that has never had to deal with it before. I have also been in a long term relationship with a man that also has a distant family. I can be good too. No responsiblity at Christmas, no family drama, no 5 turkey meals at various family homes at Thanksgiving, no approval process to go through. I have learned to apprieciate both types of families. I hope you can too! Best wishes

Soulcatcher · 11-23-2004, 07:47 PM

My husband is adopted and his family isn't close either. Anything my husband and I do is with my family. He's not ashamed, I do feel bad that he doesn't have that but he's ok. We have a family now and it's all about us. I am actually not going to my family's this year just because I don't want to. You'll eventually have your own family and if you do have a girlfriend that has a family that's ok too. You are your own person and so will your girlfriend. You will make a good husband and a father because you know what a family should be and what strengths it takes to appreciate one. Good luck.