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Old 12-17-2004, 11:46 AM   #1
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Ouch, this hurts

So my ex cheating on me last year from Nov - Feb. At the time we lived together, I stayed until July, as were "working things out'. However, obviously so, the trust never seemed right.

I moved out in July, however, we continued our "relationship" and continued working on things.

He's a very self-centered, selfish individual. I knew this and kept trying to work things out.

We went through "cycles" of him loving me, then never wanting to see me, loving me, not loving me, loving me, not in love with me, etc. I ended up meeting someone else (9 years younger than me). Even though I had issues with the age gap, this was a man who treated me with the upmost respect, caring, affection that I had been starving for with my ex. The new man, treated me like a queen, I finally felt "worthy" and my self esteem was coming back.

As soon as ex found out about the new guy, he began calling, wanting me back, wanting to work through things AGAIN. I told new guy I had to give it one more shot, that I could not give him what he wanted at this time, as my heart and feelings still belonged to the ex. New guy willingly stepped out of the picture, as he said he wanted all of me or none of me and would not take second place of my feelings.

Talked to ex, spent time with ex for a week. When he decides he doesn't know if he can "get past me seeing someone else" .........."needs time to think" .........."thinks it might be too late" .........etc.

I went to his house for dinner on Wednesday. We ate, watched a movie, just hugged and held each other, talked about how we do love each other and how "right" things are when we're together.

Now today is my christmas party at work, at which he was supposed to take me. ........I called him this morning and find out he is taking THAT girl to a whine / cheese tasting thing with other people from his work. When I mentioned my party he says I never told him what day it was. LIE. When I bring up I thought we were "working" on things, he states he needs time, space and in the mean time we should see other people.

When I say THAT girl. I mean the girl he cheated on me with. When I tell him how hurtful that is, he says "I'm going to go and enjoy myself" ......"Don't call me and let me call you"

Hence, the title of this thread ...........ouch.

 
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Old 12-17-2004, 11:56 AM   #2
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Didn't you post before? This sounds really familiar. In any case, please stop letting this man keep jerking your chain! He is such a pathetic man, I hope you don't need to be convinced further to dump his sorry bum for good. No more taking him back. I would not even talk to him, just break off all contact. What he's doing to you has reached the point of beyond ridiculous. He's completely disrespecting you and insulting you. What a slap in the face to ignore the party with you and take the woman he cheated with to his party with his co-workers! If you had been blind before, this should open your eyes finally. This guy should be kicked out the door and never allowed back into your life.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 11:59 AM   #3
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

"Don't call me and let me call you" HUH!!!?? Anyway, I'd be more like "You call me and watch me ignore you!!!"

Seriously, forget about the ex. He wants things his way and his way only. But I think you've already figured that out. Get back with the new guy and start over brand new.

Let the ex be just that-the EX.

Last edited by PBABY; 12-17-2004 at 12:00 PM.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:03 PM   #4
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

I know, I'm being ridiculous, childish and this is my own fault that it keeps happening.

I am being one of those woman that usually make me sick ......no offense to anyone. But I've always been a strong person and when I would watch my friends go through something like this over and over with the same man, it was sickening to watch.

Now ........I am one of those woman .........."but I love him" .........when I really want to be saying the truth "he doesn't love me, so what does it matter"

Yep .......he said "don't call me, I'll call you" ..........I said "I'm sure after going out with her you won't" .........he said "Maybe you'll be surprised"

Yes, this is my own fault. I need help in the NO CONTACT area. So far, I haven't been able to go longer than 3 days without calling him to remind him how much I love him.

Sick I know.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:22 PM   #5
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

The goal is not to punish or berate yourself for whatever mistakes you made. We all did foolish things for love. But there comes a point where your self respect and pride as a woman has to take over. If it takes sheer willpower to not be in contact with him, so be it. I told my ex who kept calling me and trying to suck me back in to stop. Of course, I told him to stop before and he would still call. But this time I told him very calmly that he's not the right guy for me, that I am not interested in ever talking to him again, and that we don't have a relationship and never will. It seems to work so far. Take the matters into your own hands. When he calls again, tell him you are back with the other man and you're very happy, and not to disturb you ever again. Tell him you're getting married if you have to. I once had to actually tell one persistant guy that I got married and my new husband doesn't appreciate other guys calling me to get rid of him. I got this advice from an acquaintance of mine. This one definitely worked! It will be easier for you to see things with a clear mind when you are not in contact with him.

Last edited by SophiaM; 12-17-2004 at 12:25 PM.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:23 PM   #6
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue2U
I know, I'm being ridiculous, childish and this is my own fault that it keeps happening..
You get a gold star for your willing to see yourself and your actions as they should be seen. This is a very rare occasion here an I think it is something you can build on. Kudos to you for not blaming this guy for your internal dilemma.

This is a lot like quitting smoking. Everyone that smokes knows what they are doing is self destructive. However, in the end, you stop smoking only when you make the difficult and concious decision to do so. Advice won't awaken you to what you already know.

You will stop seeing him when you make the difficult and committed decision to do so. You know what needs to be done and how. The "doing" part is all that remains.

Last edited by Music4All; 12-17-2004 at 12:23 PM.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:36 PM   #7
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

I hope the "new guy" you met that treated you so well will find a person that will love him. I don't see where your ex is hurting you any more then you hurt the new guy with both of your indecisions. He ( the new guy) needs to be cut loose, he doesn't deserve that treatment after how he treated you. Then when he's out of the picture and your current one is having another affair (I'm sure he is now anyway) maybe you will see how your own happiness should come first and not be derived through someone elses actions. The question is, are you here on this earth to be happy or just to please someone else. Food for thought, hope I can help you think PAST the "box".

Last edited by promisez; 12-17-2004 at 12:41 PM.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:40 PM   #8
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Promisez, it sounds like she was pretty up front with the new guy. He is faced with the same decision she is. Move on or not. Both own that decision.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:44 PM   #9
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
Promisez, it sounds like she was pretty up front with the new guy. He is faced with the same decision she is. Move on or not. Both own that decision.
Yup, the new guy stepped out but she could have been happy again and without the drama and the new issues. I'd kind of like to see her look past that to what she not only could have had, but may still be able to have if she decides her happiness should come first.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 12:44 PM   #10
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
I hope the "new guy" you met that treated you so well will find a person that will love him. I don't see where your ex is hurting you any more then you hurt the new guy with both of your indecisions. He ( the new guy) needs to be cut loose, he doesn't deserve that treatment after how he treated you.
Well, from what I remember, she told the new guy pretty soon that she wants to give the ex another shot and new guy agreed to step back. I don't see that as being in the same category as the ex's behaviors towards Blue. It doesn't look like she was breaking up and taking back the new guy whenever the ex wanted her back. From what I see, it only happened once so far. She is not thinking straight now, but when she breaks off all contact with the ex and realize that it was a horrible relationship, who knows, maybe the new guy will be the right guy for her? I would not "cut him loose" so fast. Sounds like she likes him a lot, just still had a lot of emotional attachment to the old guy. but in the future, who knows?

 
Old 12-17-2004, 01:05 PM   #11
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

My point is they are both hurting, even if it was mutually agreed upon and he may not be waiting around for someone who's not sure what they want yet. I just hate to see her lose someone that helps her to be happy. Actually one does need to cut the other loose, or else all we have is another "I need time" issue by not dealing with one relationship before moving onto a second.

 
Old 12-17-2004, 01:51 PM   #12
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue2U
I know, I'm being ridiculous, childish and this is my own fault that it keeps happening.

I am being one of those woman that usually make me sick ......no offense to anyone. But I've always been a strong person and when I would watch my friends go through something like this over and over with the same man, it was sickening to watch.

Now ........I am one of those woman .........."but I love him" .........when I really want to be saying the truth "he doesn't love me, so what does it matter"

Yep .......he said "don't call me, I'll call you" ..........I said "I'm sure after going out with her you won't" .........he said "Maybe you'll be surprised"

Yes, this is my own fault. I need help in the NO CONTACT area. So far, I haven't been able to go longer than 3 days without calling him to remind him how much I love him.

Sick I know.

I think you need to acknowledge that your heart is not leading you in a suitable direction, so you have to use your head instead. Ask yourself these questions:

Do I want to be with a man who doesn't want me to call him?
Do I want to be with a man who sleeps with other women?
Do I want to be with a man who would rather go to a wine tasting with the other woman he's sleeping with than go to my office holiday party with me?
Do I want to be with a man who lies to me?
Do I want to be with a man who makes me cry?
Do I want to be with a man who refuses to make me and our relationship a priority?

If the answer to half or more of these questions is no, then you are wasting your time with this man, because this man does all these things. If you don't want to be with a man who does these things, then how can you really want to be with this man? You don't really want to be with this man. You want to be with the man you dream he will become someday. We all know how well that usually turns out. Think long and hard about the holiday part he couldn't be bothered with, and think long and hard about who he chose to be with instead, and think long and hard about the two of them in bed together, laughing and making love, and imagine him in bed with her, turning to you and saying "don't call me now, wait for me to call you" the next time you have the urge to call him. I know it hurts, but he can only keep hurting you if you let him. He only has as much power as you give him.

 
Old 12-20-2004, 05:47 AM   #13
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Thanks for all the great advice. He did call on Sunday, he wanted to meet for lunch. I told him if he wanted to meet just to cause more pain, I would rather do that on the phone. He said no, he wanted to meet in person so we could talk about whether we could move forward or to get closure.

I should not have gone. It was VERY painful. He did not talk about whether we could get past "issues" and move forward. But point blank told me that she stayed the weekend at his house and he was moving forward in a relationship with her. And that I should call the "new guy" and move forward with him.

I merely said that I would not call new guy until I was ready for a serious relationship again, because I would not use "new guy" to take away my pain. I also told him that he did not need to "push" me towards anyone that he could move forward in his new relationship without any worries and that I would not contact him again.

He then proceeded to say it would be nice if we could "be friends" and "hang out" sometimes as he did love me and would not be able to not speak to me.

Ha Ha Ha HA ...........is anyone else laughing? Let's see ......I'm going to rip your heart out now, then tear it into tiny pieces ......I can not do this on the phone as you requested because I need the pleasure of seeing your face as I stomp on you .........however, I'd like to be your friend when I'm done.

Ummmmm..............NO !!! However, it still hurts. I have not called him since that conversation .............but it's very hard not to. You know .......very hard not to call him and make a complete fool of myself. Very hard to keep my pride intact and not call to say how much I love him .....very hard to try and keep my respect by not calling him and begging him to love me ..............I think I may need professional help.

 
Old 12-20-2004, 06:47 AM   #14
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Blue,

Wow, what a patronizing jerk!!! "You should call the new guy and move forward with him". I guess you were supposed to say "Thank you for your blessing to move on with my life with a new man". I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like harsh, but after all he put you through, I would take that as a very condescending remark.

I know it's hard but think about those questions Ninispjc posted. Those are some very excellent things you need to ask yourself.

Take care.

 
Old 12-20-2004, 07:43 AM   #15
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Re: Ouch, this hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue2U
however, I'd like to be your friend when I'm done.
The up side to this is you had the option to say "the new guy would be my friend now rather them you and it will get serious only when I decide it will". I went for professional help once when my son died. That was a joke. I just forgave the person that devastated me and wished them the best. Until I was able to to that, I always gave them free rent in my head, always thinking about the "what ifs" and "it may have beens" and such. Until one can do that, and do that honestly, that other "glop" will always stay in your head. It always does. Or go see a shrink and pay thousands for them to tell you the same thing in 5 years as most in society do, trying to find others to "fix" them quickly and ending up on medications with disastrous side effects that you will need more medications for. Only you can decide what you need to do though, these decisions must be yours but please make them in a non-emotional moment for your own protection.

 
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