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Old 01-01-2005, 11:15 PM   #1
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Rosie20 HB User
Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

2004 for me was one of complete singledom; I finally got over the nightmare that was my second-love, and since, I've been looking avidly for my next love, but (of course) haven't found him! It's weird because the longer I'm alone, the more I want to find someone, and the harder it is because I'm looking so hard! And I'm not meaning to be this way, I'm just lonely. Sigh.

Thus, my resolution for 2005 is to focus on ME and to give up on the guy-search. But how do I do this? I mean, subconciously, every guy I meet, I wonder "Is he boyfriend material?" How do I turn that off so I can enjoy my life as it is now without always being unsatisfied and constantly seeking?

Thanks so much!

 
Old 01-01-2005, 11:36 PM   #2
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosie20
Happy New Year, Everyone!

2004 for me was one of complete singledom; I finally got over the nightmare that was my second-love, and since, I've been looking avidly for my next love, but (of course) haven't found him! It's weird because the longer I'm alone, the more I want to find someone, and the harder it is because I'm looking so hard! And I'm not meaning to be this way, I'm just lonely. Sigh.

Thus, my resolution for 2005 is to focus on ME and to give up on the guy-search. But how do I do this? I mean, subconciously, every guy I meet, I wonder "Is he boyfriend material?" How do I turn that off so I can enjoy my life as it is now without always being unsatisfied and constantly seeking?

Thanks so much!
Well, Rosie, when you find out let me know!! No, just kidding. But believe me, I know from lonely. I think it's natural to want to be with someone the longer you go without someone. The clock is always ticking. And not just your reproductive biological clock. We're all given only so much time, and even if you live to be 80, as we approach our mid 30s and we feel middle age breathing down our necks, we realize the strongest, usually the most healthy, agile-bodied, lively years are behind us. The urge to LIVE as much as possible gets very strong, and that includes having someone to kiss and hold and make love with, while you're still able to do so without all the health issues that pop up with getting older, and have as a companion before you're too gray, wrinkled and hail damaged to find someone. But how do you get out of that constant code yellow state of "hmm..what about him??" I think it's probably different for everyone, but probably the best way is to just throw yourself into you. Explore hobbies, read some of those books you've been meaning to get to, check with your nearest library for interesting discussion groups, enroll in a class in a subject you've always wanted to know more about, travel if you have the money and the time, connect with friends you haven't seen in a while, go through your cd collection, and if you're anything like me, you have dozens of great cds you haven't listened to in ages, Give them a spin and rock out. Be a little selfish and do for you for a while. You might just become so self-actualized, satisfied and contented and so loaded with self-esteem you might just attract your dream man when you least expect it. Good luck!

 
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Old 01-02-2005, 02:10 AM   #3
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WhipEffect HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

I agree with everything the above poster said. I was in a relationship in 2004 that was truly unhealthy for me but once I opened up my eyes, I let him right along with my problems go
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"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change."

Last edited by WhipEffect; 04-24-2008 at 12:13 PM.

 
Old 01-02-2005, 06:29 PM   #4
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Well, that is the very paradox of "finding when you're not looking." So many people who are now happily married or in good relationships have mentioned it that I am wondering if there's some truth to it. I met my longest-lasting boyfriend completely by chance. Actually, all my deepest relationships were formed this way--met the guy out of the blue while dressed in sweat pants with no make-up on. Meanwhile, the couple of guys I met online was a total waste of time. Hmmm. I don't know. I never met anyone at some fancy party, looking really hot either. It's just weird. Maybe it's because when we are relaxed, we tend to attract more people? As I said, I met my ex boyfriend at a laundromat, when meeting someone was the last thing on my mind. But I know first hand, it is so hard to let go of the search when you really feel like you desire a relationship badly. I hope some other happily coupled people can explain this to us better, because I am in the same shoes as you are, Rosie. At this point, I feel like acting as if I no longer give a damn about meeting someone would be pretending, because deep down I know the opposite is true. So, what's a girl to do???

 
Old 01-02-2005, 07:15 PM   #5
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Start hanging out with your friends more. Go out in groups to clubs, bars, movies, dinner, etc; Especially with your single friends. This way, you'll be less apt to focus on finding a guy and more apt to have fun with the girls. Usually you'll find love when you aren't looking for it!

 
Old 01-02-2005, 07:52 PM   #6
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

yes Nini said it perfect..

 
Old 01-02-2005, 08:38 PM   #7
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Thanks for all of your responses! Yeah, I know the old adage "you find love when you're not looking for it"--the problem is how to stop looking! Especially when it seems all my friends are in happy relationships around me... the fact that I'm alone seems to always in my face!

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one going through this, though. I guess there's no cure for I-wanna-relationship-itis, but I've got a better idea of what I'm going to try to do. Ninispjc, thanks for the idea about exploring hobbies-- I think I might pick up something new this year. I've never really played an instrument before and I just got a hand-me-down guitar from a friend... that's something tangible that I could hold on to and focus on when I start feeling low instead of just wallowing.

As far as clubs, bars, etc. I'm not really into that scene much, and it's never proved frutiful for me. Neither has "internet dating." Like you, Sophia, I met all my former boyfriends when I was least expecting it. It's usually a situation where I swore off dating and was "focusing on me" when all of a sudden, I had a new boyfriend. What I haven't been able to do recently is get back to that place where I'm not interested in dating! But I think there's a difference between loneliness and desperation. I'm not desperate enough to settle for crap, but I still miss being in love... Catch 22.

Anyway, I did some internet research, and I think I might try checking out these two books: "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant which talks about "mental housekeeping" while in between relationships and "The Surrendered Single" by Laura Doyle which is supposedly good for people who can't mentally 'stop looking' for a relationship! If they're any good, I'll let you know!

 
Old 01-02-2005, 08:45 PM   #8
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Losec20mg HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

your mind is stuck on nuetral..you need hobbies and, pass times..get involved in stuff..

 
Old 01-03-2005, 01:33 PM   #9
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosie20
Anyway, I did some internet research, and I think I might try checking out these two books:..."The Surrendered Single" by Laura Doyle which is supposedly good for people who can't mentally 'stop looking' for a relationship! If they're any good, I'll let you know!

I don't know, I just checked out the first chapter of this one, and it smacks of "date anyone will ask you and be grateful, and keep dating him even if you don't really like him." All the talk about fear and control and "any man can be your dream man" notions, I just don't buy. I believe in chemistry to a fairly large degree. No matter how good a man is on paper, if you're just not feeling it, I don't think you should go ahead and pursue a relationship or marry him just because he's there. Agreed, that would definitely enhance your odds of not being alone. But that wouldn't be good enough for me. I don't just want to be with someone, I want to be in love with someone. And I don't think love can be forced. The sad fact is, the stats are against us, ladies, especially the older we get. The ugly truth is, some of us will live the rest of our lives alone.

 
Old 01-03-2005, 02:04 PM   #10
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
I don't know, I just checked out the first chapter of this one, and it smacks of "date anyone will ask you and be grateful, and keep dating him even if you don't really like him." All the talk about fear and control and "any man can be your dream man" notions, I just don't buy. I believe in chemistry to a fairly large degree. No matter how good a man is on paper, if you're just not feeling it, I don't think you should go ahead and pursue a relationship or marry him just because he's there. Agreed, that would definitely enhance your odds of not being alone. But that wouldn't be good enough for me. I don't just want to be with someone, I want to be in love with someone. And I don't think love can be forced. The sad fact is, the stats are against us, ladies, especially the older we get. The ugly truth is, some of us will live the rest of our lives alone.
Rosie, Nini & all....just stumbled on this post and had to jump in with my 2 cents worth

Nini...I have went back to some of your previous posts and see that you have been so hurt by one guy who you still seem to cry over....and my heart goes out to you. I believe it's been years and he has left you feeling so negative about yourself & future relationships. Did you ever think about how he was just the wrong person and that you were fine just the way you were but the ending of the relationship perhaps has changed you....in the way you perceive yourself as well as you leave others to perceive you??? You are so wrong Nini....the stats are not against you...more and more woman today are establishing careers and marrying later and having children later in life

This goes for you too Rosie....you will not be single forever, from what I read here in your posts you two have alot to offer. However, I feel that the hurt you have experienced in past relationships has caused you to retreat and give up on yourselves....if you do so how can you expect others to believe in you??? The guys you were with in the past were just not the right ones to gauge a good/healthy relationship by. They failed as relationships often do but you have a choice to challenge yourself to learn to trust again and to eventually love again. But it all begins with you believing and getting to the point in seeing yourself as a good person worthy of being loved. You must learn to love yourself and believe in yourself before you can truly begin to love another.

It's a New Year and the perfect opportunity to look in the mirror and see that you are a loveable person and worthy of somebody elses love. If you look in the mirror & feel anything else then that is what you are reflecting to the world. So go on girls & see yourself as the beautiful person that you are and know that someday your day will be here when you won't feel so alone and be with someone who deserves you and will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Just needed to say so and put my 2 cents worth in....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-03-2005 at 02:20 PM.

 
Old 01-04-2005, 02:54 PM   #11
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
You must learn to love yourself and believe in yourself before you can truly begin to love another.
This is what scares me most. I am no longer able to do this and I don't feel as if I have it within me to do it without a hand to hold and without someone on my side. It's a vicious circle. I guess once you get stuck in it, there's no getting out.

But I also have good thoughts and wishes for Rosie. Rosie, you're such a sweet lady, and I really hope you find what you're looking for soon.

 
Old 01-04-2005, 04:23 PM   #12
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
This is what scares me most. I am no longer able to do this and I don't feel as if I have it within me to do it without a hand to hold and without someone on my side. It's a vicious circle. I guess once you get stuck in it, there's no getting out.

But I also have good thoughts and wishes for Rosie. Rosie, you're such a sweet lady, and I really hope you find what you're looking for soon.
Nini...that's just what many of us do, we base our worth on having someone on our arm....almost as if a guy, any guy, will make us worth more just having him there as if a trophy shining for all to see. But as I am trying to teach my two teenage girls.....it's not all about having a boyfriend that makes you who you are or any more valuable...it's who you are without them with yourself that matter's the most


You can get out of this vicious cycle.....you only have to really want to and believe in yourself and your worth. You must not allow a failed relationship to measure your overall worth as a person especially when the one who did wrong was not you but the person you were with 7 years is a long time to be treading water...like I've said before it's time you swim ashore and learn to love yourself once again. Once you're able to do so life will be so much better. To stay where you are today is only self defeating....think positive and you will get positive. Nini.....you deserve to be your own best friend and you can be...I believe in you and it's time you believe in yourself as well. How about taking that look in the mirror and telling yourself that you are going to be okay and start to reflect back the good things you have held back from giving yourself for over 7 years that you so deserve He left you but that doesn't mean that you need to give up on yourself as well. There is someone out there for you but first you need to become friends with yourself once again....the rest will follow. Believe...Nini...and you can make it happen.....Goody

 
Old 01-04-2005, 05:03 PM   #13
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

While I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it actually took me being dumped after 2 1/2 yrs for his ex-girlfriend that did it for me.
I cried for weeks and then decided that I was just FINE without a relationship. I had my place, I had a job that paid the bills, I had a great family & my few close friends.

Six months later I was ready to have someone to greet when I got home so I got - a cat!!
Two weeks later I met the man I married and then I greeted BOTH of them when I got home!!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 01-04-2005 at 05:03 PM.

 
Old 01-04-2005, 06:04 PM   #14
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ladivapr HB User
Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

Alright let me just join in the group as Im back to square one. People always say the same thing to me oh when you stop looking it will appear and crap like that. There is no way to stop looking and time goes fast. You can learn to pretend to live like you are not looking but deep inside you know you are looking like crazy. I prefer not to simulate and just do that look. I like the internet dating and well if I had lower standards I would be married by internet dating. I have met real nice appreciative men online that makes me think its a great way to meet people. The problem is we want a guy that is handsome and smart and compassionate and all that stuff at the same time but we have to realize those guys who are good like that are not going to be necesary Mr America as one wishes. Some women can get to be that lucky to have a man or woman in case of men like that but it doesnt happen to everybody. Some of us have got to lower the standards or if we do not then we get to be lonely forever. That's how it goes.

 
Old 01-04-2005, 09:01 PM   #15
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Re: Not only is he just not that into me, but no one is!

I agree about not being able to stop looking - hell, I'm 42, I can't afford to stop looking, haha. Really ladies we want love, companionship and great sex - it is our innate human need. True, some women (and I know a few) will settle just to not be alone and to have children; but that just isn't in my nature. I want everything, dammit! I want chemistry - physically, intellectually, spiritually and I cannot have less. And for me, it's not like I have to have absolutely the most handsome man - I just have to feel a strong attraction on some level.

Rosie, hang in there. It WILL happen. We all gotta believe it.

 
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