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Old 01-08-2005, 02:22 PM   #1
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mandeline04 HB User
Unhappy why does he always like to argue?

I'm having a bit of a problem here. I'm 22 & have been dating the same guy almost a year now, I broke up with a guy I dated for 2 year for him b/c the guy i previously dated started lying to me about drinking a lot & i quit doing all the partying stuff & i just wasn't happy anymore. When i met my boyfriend now, we had a lot of common issues, both had problems with drinking & drugs and both have quit. He went to rehab b/c he had an addiction to cocaine & was an alcoholic, had two dui's and lost his license. He deals with a lot of emotional and mental problems, he's always down, & always seems to be in a bad mood. He has a huge heart & i love him more than anything b/c he's my best friend, and i plan on marrying him one day. He makes me happier than i've ever been.

The problem is - he deals with the stress everyday of not having a license & he's 27 and has to ask for a ride all the time, and i know it'd be hard - he also has parents that love him to death but drive him crazy b/c they're so obsessive over him! He has a lot of anxiety & depression dealing with all the things he's been through with alcohol & drugs - when he gets down i'm always there for him & i help him by talking to him about everything b/c his rehab people told him the best thing for him to do is express the way he feels about things since he used to just cover them up and deal with them with the alcohol & drugs!.......

When i get upset about something, i'm having a bad day, whatever...he always seems to think that i'm mad at him - and i never am....so he gets real upset b/c he thinks i'm lying to him & i'm not telling him something & he doesn't nderstand when i'm not in a great mood all the time. It's like he has to rely on my happiness & wellbeing everyday to function properly! If something is wrong with me, he automatically thinks something is wrong with us, and since he can't bare the thought of it...we argue!

He always says things that hurts my feelings terribly, and we argue for a couple hours about it...i'll cry the whole time, then he ends up realizing that i'm not lying, everything is fine with us, and it'sjust his emotional stress that is causing us problems! I'm normally very understanding and when he starts toa rgue with me i just try to ignore it b/c i know more or less that it's his problems he's trying to deal with rather than him being upset with me. But I need some advice on how i should handle this b/c it's getting harder and harder as we go along. I'm really starting to get upset b/c it's always something. We don't argue that often, maybe once a month...but he's always the one that starts it then tries to blam eme more it and tell me he's tired of this, tired of arguing, etc. Anyone else out there have the sam eproblem or have any suggestions? I'm not gonna break up with him, i just need some help,b/c instead of being the strong person i normally am & helping him, it's starting to bring me down! He gets his license on Jan 18th so i'm thinking this will help him a lot - kind of having his own life back!....but until then, SOMEONE HELP???? PLEASE? any comments or suggestion are greatly appreciated!!!

 
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Old 01-08-2005, 02:38 PM   #2
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Snails HB UserSnails HB User
Re: why does he always like to argue?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mandeline04
I'm having a bit of a problem here. I'm 22 & have been dating the same guy almost a year now, I broke up with a guy I dated for 2 year for him b/c the guy i previously dated started lying to me about drinking a lot & i quit doing all the partying stuff & i just wasn't happy anymore. When i met my boyfriend now, we had a lot of common issues, both had problems with drinking & drugs and both have quit. He went to rehab b/c he had an addiction to cocaine & was an alcoholic, had two dui's and lost his license. He deals with a lot of emotional and mental problems, he's always down, & always seems to be in a bad mood. He has a huge heart & i love him more than anything b/c he's my best friend, and i plan on marrying him one day. He makes me happier than i've ever been.

When i get upset about something, i'm having a bad day, whatever...he always seems to think that i'm mad at him - and i never am....so he gets real upset b/c he thinks i'm lying to him & i'm not telling him something & he doesn't nderstand when i'm not in a great mood all the time. It's like he has to rely on my happiness & wellbeing everyday to function properly! If something is wrong with me, he automatically thinks something is wrong with us, and since he can't bare the thought of it...we argue!

He always says things that hurts my feelings terribly, and we argue for a couple hours about it...i'll cry the whole time, then he ends up realizing that i'm not lying, everything is fine with us, and it'sjust his emotional stress that is causing us problems!
Congratulations on cleaning up your act and moving on from an unhealthy relationship. It's great that your boyfriend has stopped covering up his anxiety and depression by abusing substances, but it doesn't sound like these issues are being dealt with sufficiently. Is he seeing a therapist of any kind to get these feelings under control? It may be that he's suffering from a chemical imbalance and may benefit from some sort of psychiatric medication. My first suggestion to you would also be to find a professional to talk to about your relationship and how to best cope with your BF's actions. Unfortunately, as much as you want to help him, you really only have control over your responses, not what he does or feels.

You are doing an admirable job of being supportive and understanding, but are you getting the support and stability you need from him in return? I'm a little confused that you say he's always down and in a bad mood, then in the next sentence say he makes you happier than you have ever been. It seems like you're not allowed to ever be upset or frustrated without prompting an argument. No one can always be content, and the role of a partner is to be there for you to make things better when you're having a hard time, not argue with you and make things worse. If he's saying cruel things and making you cry every time you don't seem cheerful, he needs to find a better way to deal with stress ASAP. If these arguments are getting progressively worse, I'm worried that it's going to escalate from emotional abuse to physical abuse unless he gets help.

I would never tell you to break up with him, but I also wouldn't let things continue as they are if I was you. You say you're happy, but most of your post suggests that this relationship is causing you lots of distress. You're doing a great thing by being there to support your boyfriend, but you also have to think about your well-being and not allow him to take out his problems on you. Again, I would definitely try therapy to figure out in more detail what you can do to improve things and cope better. Take care and good luck.

 
Old 01-10-2005, 02:44 PM   #3
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Re: why does he always like to argue?

He does make me happier than ever, it's very rare that we ever argue, like i said, it's only about once a month when something like this happens. Any other time, everything is awesome!...he's my best friend and i've never been with anyone that i can do absolutely nothing with and have the best time ever! He did see a counselor for awhile & he has been on several different types of meds for anxiety and depression & the side effects of them make him feel worse than dealing with the actual anxiety & stuff. He gets to where he can't remember stuff, he stops caring about stuff completely b/c they make him stop worrying so much about everything....every med he's tried (and that'd be several) ....all do the same thing to him, after so long he can't take them anymore! So that's why he is like this. I guess that even tho it is starting to bother me more, it's not a problem, and when i wrote the post I was upset about something he had said, so i may have made it sound worse than it was. Any more suggestions out there would be great! Thanks in advance!

 
Old 01-10-2005, 02:52 PM   #4
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: why does he always like to argue?

Is he going to AA or NA for his addiction issues?
Sometimes without support, or just because sobriety hasn't sunk in yet people have something they call a "dry drunK". Where they actually have some actions that usually would happen when they WOULD be drinking - like fighting/yelling, etc.

My husband and I have a two big yelling type arguments in - Fifteen years!!! So once a month would seem like alot to me.
The ex-drinker/drugger I was with picked a fight with me everyday - so once a month looks alot better...

He may not need meds, but he does sound like he needs some counseling, either thru a self-help group or a counselor. If he refuses to go to AA? Then get going to Al-Anon if you have your own problems under control. They can show you behaviors that won't feed into his own illness.

Good luck...

 
Old 01-10-2005, 06:22 PM   #5
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Re: why does he always like to argue?

he has already done the AA thing...he got a dui in 2003 in september, he went to rehab & AA and all that stuff for three months. i agree that i think that he needs to talk to someone about his problems, but he doesn't really trust anyone, he hates feeling like he has a problem, so therefore i just try to be the one there for him & let him talk to me....which has worked, and it still does...that's not the problem. the problem is, when i get upset over something, or if i'm having a bad day, he automatically thinks that i'm not happy in our relationship. i think the main issue is that, he's not had a license in a year, he's 27 years old & the only way he can get around is if his parents or me, or someone else he has to ask...takes him somewhere. and it's just total humilation for him...and a constant reminder of his past and the mistakes he's made. like i said in an earlier post, he gets his license back this month, so i'm hoping that once he has the freedom of a normal 27 yr old i think that a lot of things will fall back in place. if not, then i'll just have to take it from there.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 05:38 AM   #6
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: why does he always like to argue?

If he went to AA for 3 months but quit going, and is still having alot of issues & hasn't really faced that he is alcoholic... are you a little concerned about what he'll do once he has his license back as far as the bars & stuff?
AA is life-long support, not finger pointing. There are people there who knows exactly how he feels.
There were alot of people at Al-Anon who were in my shoes.
Knowing when he needs help is a real sign of maturity and facing the problems...
I wish him all the luck... but I'm concerned about you.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 05:49 PM   #7
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mandeline04 HB User
Re: why does he always like to argue?

it may be a life-long support, but no....when he gets his license back i know he will not EVER go back to what he did before. he's a much better person now, he deals with his issues everyday and for that reason, it's enough to show him that he doesn't wanna live like that again! he pretty much almost lost his life to alcohol, and yeah i know most people stop drinking then go back to it....but he won't, he's different. and his main problem was with cocaine, and he quit that completely too. he does NOTHING now, and never plans to pick up even a drink again just b/c he doesn't wanna push hiself to think that there might be that chance to go overboard again. he's in church, and it helps him a lot, he lives a total different life now, and he's a total different person. he used to be very social - had lots of friends, now he has no one, b/c no one will hang out with him since he doesn't drink & party now, the only person he really has is me, his parents, and a couple guys that he works with that have families that are actually mature unlike most people out in the world today. i understand that he has problems, but that's not what i posted in this board for, i just wanted some advice on what I should do, not him! thanks

 
Old 01-11-2005, 05:59 PM   #8
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Re: why does he always like to argue?

Hi, Mandeline. Sometimes when someone treats you in a way you don't like, there are bigger issues at hand than the one you are trying to fix. Because your boyfriend is a recovering addict, I imagine there are bigger problems at hand. The advice you received WAS meant to help you solve the issue you are having with him.
You are asking "what can you do"? Well, sometimes you can do anything and everything and it will never make a difference if the root of the issue never gets solved. When the others recommened advice on what he should do, it was so you could get to the root of the issue, which would in turn eliminate the problem you are having with him.
(Hope that made sense)

 
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