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Old 01-10-2005, 02:41 PM   #1
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How Should I Handle This?

For those who don’t know my situation I was just dumped by my BF of 7.5 years because he’s now decided that we clash more than we click, we argue quite a bit but its always the stupidest little things that get us. We still live under the same roof; we still sleep in the same bed. We even went grocery shopping together on Saturday only because we have nothing and he was hoping that I would eat if there were food there (how messed up is that?), he was being as sweet as he normally would be picking out stuff that I like and he even wanted to buy me a coffee pot which I said was pointless unless I was to put it on my nightstand at mom and dads house. I know this is tearing him up too but I think it’s probably worse for me because I have to be the one to leave. I feel like such a fool because he’s known that we were going to break up since the beginning of December and wouldn’t or couldn’t tell me. I spent the last month in agony not knowing what was going to happen and finally I had to pry it out of him. Now its definite were going our separate ways but he keeps telling me that I don’t have to leave right away and its no hurry. Of course I know the sooner I get out the better but at the same time I don’t want to leave I don’t want our lives together to end. I know I have to respect what he wants and I will but I’m so scared of that first night I spend without him. The worst part is that we do truly love each other and I can still see it in his eyes, when he leaves for work or to go wherever he gives me a kiss goodbye and its things like that that I don’t think I can do without. Sunday I made a big mistake and had sex with him I was in the shower and he jumped in with me, I know that wasn’t smart on my part but I separated my emotions and treated it just as sex, one last hoorah I guess (I got kinda ripped off the last time we had sex). There was a lot of passion from both of us but I’m not sure what kind of passion it was. He’s decided not to move and just stay in our apartment alone, He came home last night and commented on how empty the place looked without my stuff in there and said how hard its going to be coming home to an empty house every night. The dog goes with me that’s the only positive thing I can think of I guess its better than nothing. My question I guess is how do I handle this? Do I pretend like I’m O.K and confidant or do I show my true sadness? What’s the best approach to a situation like this? I know this is the wrong way of thinking but I want him to be sorry I’m leaving maybe he is sorry and sad but knows it’s the right thing to do or maybe he thinks it’s the right thing but will think differently once I’m gone. HELP! After all these years together I don't want to lie about my feelings but I don't want him to have the upperhand either.

 
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Old 01-10-2005, 03:05 PM   #2
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

I agree with many of the responses on your other thread. He's being nice and in no hurry to have you leave because the current situation is what he wanted--he's getting his freedom but also enjoying your company. Meanwhile, it must be terribly hard for you to live as if things were fine while your heart is breaking knowing you'll be leaving soon. No one can know for sure, but it sounds like there is at least some possibility of him changing his mind once he gets a taste of life without you. However, that isn't going to happen until you actually leave--until he has a chance to miss you, there's no chance of him realizing he made a mistake. Right now, he's having his cake and eating it too, so he has no motivation to reassess his decision. If I was in your situation--and believe me, I can only imagine how hard this is--I would reluctantly move back home. As you said, living in this limbo is really prolonging the torture without making any progress toward moving on with your life (with or without him). Try to remain as dignified and composed as possible; remind yourself to be strong and that you can't continue on indefinitely as you are now. One way or another, things have to change, and the only way to find out will happen is to take that first step toward the future. I'm really sorry that things have turned out like this, but you will pull through no matter what he ends up wanting. Unfortunately, for the time being, all you can control is your own actions and behavior, and I think regardless of what happens, you'll be making progress by moving out.

 
Old 01-10-2005, 04:01 PM   #3
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Jedoz....if I can be bold enough to make a suggestion...you say that you aren't one to not show your real feelings and at the same time you would like him to see what he'll be missing and somehow not allow him to have the upper hand. I would suggest you no longer prolong this and if at all possible...the next time he is out for an extended period of time that you pack up your stuff and time it for when he is due home to be totally ready to leave. When he walks in and is shocked at all your things being loaded up and ready to go....tell him calmly that you cannot and refuse to no longer prolong the agony and have decided to move home sooner than expected. Tell him how it is too painful for you to continue this way and that you refuse to drag out the inevitable Be sure you can and will follow through with your plan even if it means having your dad there with you to help drive you home.

What do you think??? Can you pull it off. You need to make it so that it is totally unexpected....even if it is before you meet with the landlord, leave telling him you will be back on such and such a date to handle that with him. tell him you need your family and friends now and to start getting your life in order.You will shoe him how painful this all is and at the same time have the upperhand. Right now he does....he isn't quite ready to let go physically and until he can find another warm body or somebody to keep him company he will be dragging this out until the very last minute. At least you can walk away with some dignity....so I say give my plan a little thought or perhaps somebody else here may have a better one but the way things are is just rubbing salt in a wound in my opinion....and nobody deserves that...Goody

 
Old 01-11-2005, 05:44 AM   #4
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

My sister's husband decided after 7 yrs of marriage that he "didn't want to be married anymore".
She actually helped him pack.

Years later, she says that if she had to do it over again she would have expressed every emotion she had. Anger, love, frustration, loss, etc.
There was SO much she kept in that she believes it led to anxiety/panic attacks when the same thing happened down the road.
No one is saying to cuss him out or be nasty. But bottling up hurt & anger can be really unhealthy later on - sooner or later you get to deal with it. Much healthier to deal with it during the situation it's coming out of...

 
Old 01-11-2005, 06:51 AM   #5
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Thanks for you responses, Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst last night. He was being a real jerk and I think it was because there was a friend over you know he had to be the big man, he said originally that I was getting the nice new TV from upstairs and then said that he was going to take the old T.V that has been sitting on the floor for two years and see if he can get it repaired and I could take that. I said NO WAY you said I could have the upstairs T.V and I'm taking it, he says well I paid for it and I said yeah but if it wasn't for me you wouldn't even be able to wipe your *** (I always buy toilet paper) I said I have contributed everything to this home and relationship I should walk out of here with something. He said your taking everything everything that remotely has your name attached your taking and I said thats BS I'm taking all my crap that I've always had. He said I'm going to have to pay for everything I cant afford another T.V. Does that not validate what I was saying, if it wasn't for me paying all the utilities he wouldn't have been able to buy the T.V or computer or anything nice for that matter I'm leaving him all the appliances, two couches a kitchen table and many other kitchen type stuff and he thinks I'm taking everything. He's only saying that because of how empty the place looks without my knick knacks all over the place. I couldn't belive he was acting like that money has never been an issue with us we've always helped one another and shared financial responsibility. Then I said to him this morning I'm sorry about the T.V and until I'm gone we have to be remain civil to one another and I said last night I was at least hoping we would be able to spend some time together before I leave and he said when are you leaving I said soon and he said this weekend? and I said probably not but I would like to have almost everything gone by then and he said ok we'll spend time together this weekend. He is not showing any sign what so ever of changing his mind. Then he said you have to go get your name off of the lease before I can sign can you do that tomorrow right after work. Then he said what are you going to do for a cell phone? I said I dont know I'll figure it out then he said you have to get one with all the driving your going to be doing you have to get one.Why be concerned one minute and a ***** another? Is this a guys normal way of handling this kinda stuff? If it were possible I would be gone already I have gotten a lot done, seriously years and years of stuff combined needs to be gone through. I'm moving about 30 miles away into farm country so I cant just make quick runs back and forth with my stuff plus I live in Illinois and winter is making this harder we have lots of snow and ice on the ground and freezing rain today so its going to be real hard to get stuff out quickly.

Last edited by jedoz; 01-11-2005 at 06:58 AM.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 07:30 AM   #6
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

You are handling everything like a trooper.

I don't know how you've done it this far. Can I ask how your relationship was different when it was good? It would help me give you advise on how he is acting now. I agree, the sad comments he's making, and being concerned about you having a cell phone, would lead me to believe that he did'nt want you to go. But he IS sending you mixed messages (nothing any woman should put up with).....telling you to go sign off the lease.

My gut says it looks as if you are both afraid to show vulnerability to each other for fear of appearing weak or not having those feelings reciprocated.

Myself, I would'nt admit my feelings, only because I would want to protect myself from possible humiliation if they were not returned. But if you feel the nagging urge to tell him what's in your heart, don't hold back. Getting everything out in the open is sometimes better than saving face, because the response, good or bad, will at least give you clarity when you move back home. If you say nothing, you could be back at your parent's house wondering---what would have happened IF I'd said this or that---or waiting for his phone call and wasting your time. As everyone else said, I would move out and give him a chance to miss you. It sounds as though he will. I would leave when he is not around....don't kill yourselves with a goodbye. And don't sleep with him again, it will only make it harder for you emotionally.

Seven years is a long time to be together, and you are not only taking a lot of memories with you, but his dog!!! I don't want to give you false hope, but guys don't rebound from that sort of thing well, even if they are all cocky about it at the time you are seperating. They may sleep with a few women to try to forget about you, but it won't happen overnight. Good luck~

Last edited by vintagegirl; 01-11-2005 at 07:32 AM.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 08:21 AM   #7
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Vintage Girl- Our relationship I thought was ok I know we argued over stupid everyday things but I thought everyone did.. We spent most of our time in front of the T.V since we've been out on our own for the past 6 years, he would go play poker or hang out at a friends house but not that much. The past two months or so he's been spending a lot more time out and about and I didn't think it was because there were problems I just thought he was sick of sitting around.. I'm a homebody I guess. See he grew up with his mom taking care of him and his two brothers and I think that's what he expected from me he never saw how a Man fits into the family other than what he sees from my Dad. That's another hard thing because between the two of us we had one set of parents my mom isn't there for me and never has been and his mom is more to me than mine, his father was killed when he was very young so my Dad is like a father figure to him.. Every night and I mean literally every night since we moved in together and even when we had roomates I was responsible for getting dinner, I'm not a cook so usually that meant going out to get take out and as silly as it sounds that caused problems because he would never offer any ideas as to what he wanted it was always up to me to figure out just like everything else as if i had a crystal ball that would tell me what he wanted. He says we clash more than we click but how come it took so long for him to decide that? His only responsibility was to pay rent. His excuse to all the dinner stuff was that the last thing he wants to worry about when he got home was getting dinner.. But it's ok for me to worry about like I didnt have a full time job myself I would get up before him leave for work before him get home after him take care of the dog, go get dinner,laundry cleaning and all the bills, I always made sure their was pop, toilet paper, taking out the garbage he never ever does that and millions of other things, he contributed hardly anything which is why I should be glad to be moving on..I'm just not. He also tells me that relationships shouldnt take work. I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever heard, everyone knows relationships take work. I told him the best marriages take years and years of hard work, he thinks it should just work as is. I have made my feelings clear to him that I do love him and that moving on without him is going to probably be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, I have also told him that I will be O.K too. I know that by taking the dog that hurts him but I adopted him in my name and I'm the one who begged to have a dog for years he's mine I'm the only one who walks him and takes care of him. If he get's home before me he doesn't walk him.. its all me. Maybe he's being a jerk because it hurts and he doesn't know how to show it. I guess this tells me what I want out of my next relationship. I want a man a real man that can admit when he's wrong, show emotion and realize that it takes two people to make things work.. And who doesn't feel the need to impress his friends with how crappy he treats his GF.. That's the other issue all his friends can see how crappy he is towards me a lot of the time but no one has the nerve to stand up to him I'm the only one who has ever had the balls to stand up. One freind in particular told me he didn't know how I put up with what I did and I put up with a lot thinking he would grow up eventually. He claims to have said things to my BF about the way he's treated me in certain situations but I really don't think he had the balls to do it. No one has the nerve to stand up to him because he's one of those stubborn people who cant and wont ever admit to being wrong.. Oh now I'm getting a bit angry thinking about all this.. I know i can do better down the line but damn it I want this guy for some reason. He makes it seem like he doesn't want me to go but on the other hand i wonder if its an act, he said we would spend time together this weekend but who knows if he'll stick to that. He didnt get any sleep last night either I'm oddly happy to report, We argued about the whole T.V situation when he came to bed at about 11:30 and it upset him to where he couldn't sleep.. He's one of those people who can just turn himself off and sleep through anything but not lately.. I have to resort to prescription Xanax to calm down enough..I know drugs shouldn't be a crutch but I need sleep and energy I'm withering away here I only weigh 108lbs and normally I'm around 120 at most.. Oh the sadness I feel like its going to be the death of me it feels like I have some mental disorder that wont go away. I Hope he misses me my friends I think it would hurt more if he didn't.. not that he would tell me because of the whole pride thing he has.. Well I should probably get to work,Please keep the opinoins coming I'm pretty alone here and don't know how to cope.

Last edited by jedoz; 01-11-2005 at 08:29 AM.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 09:43 AM   #8
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

You are coping very well. Good job telling him that you do love him, but that in moving on, you'd be okay. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders---it's just that the emotions get in the way. They do for all of us.

You may want him only because he IS so stubborn. There is probably a huge feeling accomplishment and payoff whenever you feel that he does give in on something, right? Problem is, that feeling does not come often enough to make it worth your while. Relationships DO take work, and to work, both people have to give. He does not sound like he is doing his share, but expecting you to be his mother. Why did relationships with past gf's not work out? Would be interesting to compare.

It's true that people WILL treat you however you allow them to. You have to stop enabling them....which means, stop doing it all. You relationship has probably gone on this long because you have done it all. If you had stopped before, these problems would have hit the fan in a bigger way instead of in small, annoying pieces.

Think if you had kids with him....it would be that much more work for you.
Lots of moms go on strike in their households...but you know what? After the strike, the kids and husband go back to their old habits. If you really love him and see other things worth staying with him for, as these moms/wives did, than you two could stay together. But that is'nt fair to you. Would he agree to couple's counseling?

Last edited by vintagegirl; 01-11-2005 at 09:46 AM.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 10:08 AM   #9
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

his mom suggested counceling but he didn't seem to open to it and I didn't want to push since it took over a month to get the truth out of him.. To answer your question about his past GF's well funny thing is he's never had one before me, I was the first girl he ever wanted to be with. I knew deep down that because of that and that we were each others first love that it probably was a recipe for disaster but I've seen too many romantic movies and for the most part things worked out fine for those people. Yeah I'm a dreamer. I want to be with him because of his good side, the side that nobody but me normally sees. He's very sentimental in so many ways, He kept a stupid piece of wire that I made into a heart, and empty cigarette pack that I gave him, he keeps this love card in his wallet I gave him a long time ago, he keeps a pic of me in his work truck, he covers me up at night with my blanket, cleans my car off in the winter just a million little things that he does that shows what a good guy he can be. I guess I need something more consistent though. The other day when he came home he saw all the old dead flowers that he gave me in the garbage and he didn't know I was looking at him but I saw the sadness in his eyes, later he asked if I was trying to erase him from my life I said no I'm throwing stuff out but I'm keeping a lot too. I don't need all those memories in my face all the time because they're already in my head. When do all the good memories die? That's all I can think of, I keep trying to think of the bad things to help me move on but there just not coming yet.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 10:08 PM   #10
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Wow, this thread makes me SAD. Is there any way that you two can talk this through? Maybe I'm a dreamer too...but with him for 7 years, 1st love, his mom is like a mom to you, your dad is like a dad to him....and all of the little things that you mentioned are actions that show he cares....this is going to be hard for both of you to get over. Is the real sticking point the household duties or the fact that he can be moody/rude to you in front of his friends? What are his complaints about you? I've missed your other threads, so maybe I don't have the whole story, but from what you've said in this one, there seems to be a lot of emotion here. It would be a shame to
give up on something that could be fixed.

 
Old 01-12-2005, 03:48 AM   #11
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Jedoz - You are coping amazingly well with this situation! I have read thru your posts and have wanted to reply - however, anything I would have said others have already written. I cannot type well in the morning (arthritis) - I want to say that I know how difficult this stuff is - I divorced a husband in 1992/and it is almost exactly a year since I broke up with my fiance (1999-2004) - a man I truly thought was my soulmate - I am still experiencing some raw emotional moments. Anticipatory grief is different in many ways from actually leaving and working thru the loss. I would expound on this but my numb fingers will not cooperate this morning! You will grieve more effectively (although not more easily) when you make the actual separation. You have had so many excellent suggestions from others on how to make your departure. I guess I am wondering if you have made a decision on the date and time and how you will proceed. I know you are suffering and my heart goes out to you - indeed, there is no pain quite like the pain of separating from someone you love. - Elle

 
Old 01-12-2005, 06:51 AM   #12
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Well most of my stuff is already packed in boxes and ready to go I just need to get it out of the way so I can dig more out of the closets. At this point he's avoiding me a lot probably because its easier on him if he doesn't see me packing up, when he is around its hard for him to look me in the eyes and when he does I can see the hurt there. He's kinda being a jerk though about the T.V and one of the bills but I think we got past it O.K. He's realizing now how broke he's going to be once I'm gone and he's reacting in an angry way. He called his mom yesterday and told her I was moving in a week and that he was staying in our apartment, he doesn't know it yet but I'm going to be out a lot sooner. He's working this Saturday so I'm hoping to get my dad over and start getting things out. His mom asked him if he was sure if he wanted to do this and he didn't say yes but he said this has been going on for two years! Obviously communication was a big factor because he never told me he thought there were problems two years ago. She thinks that its going to hit him real hard once I'm gone, she said she could tell by the tone in his voice that he's having a hard time with this and thats probably why he's avoiding me. He said to me again last night you have to get a cell phone and I would let you keep the one you have now except the bill is itimized and I dont want the upper hand, I said what do you mean, he said he knows I'm going to meet people and he doesn't want to be able to track or trace who I'm seeing and talking too. Basically saying that he's going to be jealous which I completely understand. He told his mom that were still going to hang out and be friends and she said yeah right your dreaming you cant be engaged one minute and friends the next there are too many emotions involved and he said No I want to be friends with her and she does too. He's also mad that I'm taking all my storage containers because I'm leaving him with a pile, its his pile mind you he's keeping all the kitchen stuff utensils, appliances, dishes, two couches, Digital Camera, Stereo, Computer etc etc all because he claims he paid for them, what he doesn't fully realize is that he wouldn't have any of those things If I didn't pay for all the bills and grocerys. I just dont want this to get ugly neither one of us has ever been about money we've always shared just fine but now things are changing so fast I don't know if we'll get through it without hating each other which was his biggest fear in staying together. I just dont want to walk out without my fair share, I dont care about much I'm going to want new stuff when I go out on my own anyway. ARghhh I'm so frustrated, Every morning when I wake up for that split second before reality kicks in I think it was all a bad dream and then BAM! Nope this is your life get used to it. : ( I think your right ellecram the worst is yet to come, I've never been away from him for than a couple of nights, in fact over the 7.5 years together we've only been a way from each other about 10 days and that was when I've been gone for business this past year. Its going to be real hard to get used to sleeping alone and the reality will kick in hard when I'm actually gone and at my parents for good . We were attached at the hip for so so long and now he thinks we don't get along. I dont get it my freinds.I just dont get it

Last edited by jedoz; 01-12-2005 at 06:53 AM.

 
Old 01-12-2005, 07:33 AM   #13
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

Jedoz....you are holding up remarkedly well and I must say that I really admire your strength. As you post I am sucked into your life and can virtually feel the pain & grief that you are going through and I get this feeling like.....I've just gotta get out of here as much as I hate the thought of it but this is pure drawn out agony. Like a bandage that is stuck to the wound...pulling it off slowly just is a long painful process rather than just yanking it off quickly. In the end, both hurt just as bad but the torture is so much less when you just get the courage up to do it sooner. My only advice is that if you do..leave it as an element to surprise..don't give him forwarning, do your packing on Saturday & don't just leave...wait for him to come home making sure you're all ready to leave....have someone with you and tell them that no matter what you are going after you talk to him so there is no changing your mind, and then tell him you're leaving because you cannot take the agony of it all anymore nor do you want to subject him to it anymore. This way you won't be considered a coward if you left without telling him face to face & end up having most of your dignity intact. Then leave...this will be the hardest part, but you will have to follow through. He will most likely try to prolong it but stick to your guns and say that this is what he wanted and you are no longer staying to drag things out and need to be with family and friends at this time. And then go to your dad or the person you lined up to get you out of this....staying any longer is not good for you or him...Goody

 
Old 01-12-2005, 07:40 AM   #14
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

I still don't understand why he is breaking up with you. Fights about stupid things happen and I don't think they're a major reason to end a relationship. I think he started to get cold feet. Well, you gave him more than enough time: 7.5 years together without a formal commitment is a very long time. It's gonna be tough, but like Goody said, you will get through it. He might want you back once you've moved out and he realizes what he's lost.

 
Old 01-12-2005, 07:49 AM   #15
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Re: How Should I Handle This?

You are doing great sweetie... As for the TV and stuff...split it...if he want's the TV, you take the stereo...simple as that...or he can buy you out....As for the cell...Buy a new one, and don't give him the number...If he reallt want's to talk with you after all of this is over....let him track you down

Hang in there Hon...


 
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