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Old 01-16-2005, 12:13 AM   #1
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An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Hi guys! Well I'm back from my adventure. Let me fill you in. As most of you know, my bf was not responding to me. By Monday, when I called him and left a message, he had not called me back. I had just given up. I was going to TRY to start my "no contact" from Day 1. Then Tuesday morning, he sent me a message saying that his parents had gone on holidays (we both still live at home), and that he would like me to come and stay with him at his house. I thought long and hard before replying... trying to figure out what his motives were, why he wanted me there etc etc etc. I am a bit domestically-challenged, so I knew that he didn't want me there just to look after him or anything. I decided to give it one last shot. Many people were against it, including my family, but I had to do it for myself. It was really a make or break kind of situation. And if it went bad, then I would know that I had given my all, and I could walk away with absolutely no regrets. I hoped it would be fantastic, but my suspicion was that I would be hugely disappointed. I was in for a shock.

I got there, and found the person I had fallen in love with. He was caring, attentive and made a genuine effort to see that I was happy. He even went to great pains to set the table attractively for me. He cooked for me, fussed over me, and made an effort to spend alot of time with me (I wasn't totally useless this whole time... I helped clean and got up early to make his lunch for him everyday!!!). He knows that it upsets me that he spends so much time on his computer playing games and ignores me, so even when he did use his computer (which he only did a couple of times in 5 days), he would continually come out to where I was reading or watching TV to see if I needed anything or that I was okay. After so long, he even started up again his ritual of telling me he loves me just before he dozes off to sleep. I lost some of the uptighness that I seem to cling to. And I felt happiness again... the first time in a while. I feel like after all I've been through that I am in a better place, and maybe he does too.

I wasn't sure if things would go back to how they were once his parents got home. I have only been back to my home now for a few hours and he has called me already to see what I'm up to and to tell me he loves me. I know that it was only for a few days, and that anyone can make an effort for a few days. But he really did. We didn't have the big "talk", because I wanted to see how things went without me having to tell him how I felt or how I thought things were wrong. Maybe in a few days. I just want to gauge how he reacts to things now.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but it feels like it. I don't know if it is going to work out or not. I don't know if we can overcome our issues. The love is there, but I don't know if we have enough of the other ingredients for longer term happiness. I just don't know. I want to see how things go for a couple more days and then have the "talk", because there are alot of things that I need to know, and I want to re-open the communication lines. The only thing that really bothers me, is that other people, especially my mum, are against it. My mum is really angry with me for going to see him. She won't speak to me. I do understand that she doesn't want to see me hurt, but I was hurting without him anyway. It's the one thing that makes me question whether I am doing the right thing or not. I know that sometimes people on the outside see things from an unbiased perspective... but do they know all the intimate details? All I know is that I needed to see how things went. For myself. I can't spend my life doing what makes everyone else happy because they think it's the right thing. If I'm right or wrong, I had to find out for myself.

So that's the latest. It's still a bit up in the air, but it's a start. I know a few good days does not make a relationship successful. But I saw a glimpse of him that I haven't seen for a long time and that others don't really get to see. Does that mean anything? What do you guys make of this update after all that went on before?

Anyway, it's nice to be back amongst friends... I've missed you all!!! As always, any advice, comments, criticism is most welcome. Thanks for reading, and I hope that everyone is okay and doing as well as possible.
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Last edited by StormGirl; 01-16-2005 at 12:14 AM.

 
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Old 01-16-2005, 12:20 AM   #2
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Hey Stormgirl - I think when it comes to love, unless abuse in involved, you just have to follow your heart. Other people can tell you not to, but they may not know everything, or they may in fact know something you're missing, but you'll live with regret if you don't follow your heart.

 
Old 01-16-2005, 12:28 AM   #3
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Thanks Nini, for your understanding and compassion. I really am well aware that this could backfire on me and that I could be eating my words in a few days/weeks, and I am prepared for that - but what if it's not like that - I had to take the chance. But you are right, I had to follow my heart. My mum doesn't understand what keeps me going back... well I go back because I love him, always have since I first laid eyes on him 12 years ago. I have a 6.5 yr relationship history with him. He has never physically abused me, although there have been some emotional abuse as you know from the past few months. But last year was a real killer, although that is no excuse by any means. Hopefully I will get to the bottom of what went so wrong soon. Maybe we can never get back the relationship that we had, but then again, maybe we can make it even better and improve? Or maybe it will fall in a heap? But at least I will be able to say I gave it a shot and have no regrets. I will be able to say that I found out the good old-fashioned hard way.
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Old 01-16-2005, 01:07 AM   #4
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StormGirl
Thanks Nini, for your understanding and compassion. I really am well aware that this could backfire on me and that I could be eating my words in a few days/weeks, and I am prepared for that - but what if it's not like that - I had to take the chance. But you are right, I had to follow my heart. My mum doesn't understand what keeps me going back... well I go back because I love him, always have since I first laid eyes on him 12 years ago. I have a 6.5 yr relationship history with him. He has never physically abused me, although there have been some emotional abuse as you know from the past few months. But last year was a real killer, although that is no excuse by any means. Hopefully I will get to the bottom of what went so wrong soon. Maybe we can never get back the relationship that we had, but then again, maybe we can make it even better and improve? Or maybe it will fall in a heap? But at least I will be able to say I gave it a shot and have no regrets. I will be able to say that I found out the good old-fashioned hard way.
Yeah, I know sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Just remember a good relaitonship makes you feel better, not worse. It should lift you up, and if you feel yourself struggling to hang on to your self esteem in spite of the relationship, RED FLAG!!! But hopefully you've both grown and learned and can build something happy and healthy. Here's to hoping for a happy ending!!

 
Old 01-16-2005, 01:16 AM   #5
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Oh me too Nini... I hope for a happy ending too. Not just for me though, but for the many other good people that have felt like I have. But I am trying to stay realistic at the same time. This time apart has changed me, and coming to this site has given me a different perspective... or should I say, reinforced what I already believed.
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Old 01-16-2005, 11:18 AM   #6
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Well, doesn't look like you really need advice here. You certainly have a clear head on your shoulders and are already taking the cautious approach. So I am just here to wish my best to you. I hope you get your happy ending, too. You deserve it!

PS-and don't go getting your happy ending and desert the rest of us here!! You give really great advice. I hope you stick around.

 
Old 01-16-2005, 12:55 PM   #7
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Thanks Lisa! No I will not desert you guys! Even if by chance I did get my happy ending... love never runs smoothly does it?

I've made way too many friends and learnt so much from these boards... so I'll be around for a while...
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Old 01-16-2005, 03:04 PM   #8
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

That's great news girl I hope it works out for you long term.

 
Old 01-16-2005, 11:02 PM   #9
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Thanks Littletiger. It's early days yet, so I do not want to get my hopes up. And I am consciously trying to make sure that I do not make excuses AT ALL anymore. I seem to have a very bad habit of that...
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Old 01-17-2005, 08:28 AM   #10
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Good for you Storm!

It's about time we had some good news around here! Best of luck.

 
Old 01-17-2005, 04:44 PM   #11
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

HEY STORM GIRL, ( KNOW I KNOW THE REASON U WAS SAYING WISH ME GOOD LUCK). It sounds like we both went back in time this week.lol. i hope things go swell for u . sometimes it does just take a lil distance you know to figure things out and sometimes they come back...................and then like mine its a lil confusing cuz its seems so comfortable but then u rem all the bad that has happened. u sit there and can love someone so much, with all ur heart, and hang on as long as u can becuase the love and then somtimes we have happy ending, explosions, or even more confused.
i believe storm girl since u r my girl, im going to tell u like u tell me. First i want to say that i am so happy for you and ur wonderful time that u had with ur ex and it is about time u know. u deserve it and i hope u guys have ur happy ending.
but i dont believe you should have the "talk" right now. let some time go by and stay in contact and have fun for awhile.... but thats just my advice

love ya girl and hugs

 
Old 01-17-2005, 11:10 PM   #12
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Hi Angel, thanks for stopping by on my thread. Yes, now you know why I needed your best wishes. I think we might make it, but I don't want to get my hopes up just yet. I do still love him, and I know that he loves me. But you are right, I am going to hang off talking to him for a bit. I just want to see how things go and feel for a little while without me having to influence them. I have to admit that I do feel a little differently, so I'm also just holding off for a bit to see how I feel about it all. I don't want to be with him because it is just "comfortable". I want us both to be there because we really want to be. I guess I'm just at that age where I need to know if we do make a commitment that I (and any future family) will be his number one priority in life, and that he will try and care for us and look after and protect us as much as possible. I always thought getting married was just something you did with someone you love, but when you think about the LONG term future, the responsibilities, etc etc, it can be quite daunting. I guess I just want to get it right and seeing that I'm almost 27, times something I don't have the luxury of wasting anymore. I'm hoping that we just need to re-connect again, and then make sure that the communication lines stay open to prevent this happening again.... that's if things work out of course. Oh, I don't know Angel... I thought this would bury any confusion I had, but it is surely still there... but in a different way if you know what I mean.

Everyone has noticed a change in me though. They say I just look and radiate more happiness than I have been lately. Maybe because it's not false anymore. It feels like part of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders for a bit. But I am still fully aware that it can backfire on me at any minute. That's why the next few (months?) are not going to be easy. There is alot to sort out and figure out. I've hung in there for 6.5 years already, so I guess it's manageable.

I'm so glad that I have had so much good support on this thread. It gives me hope, but I have to admit that I am much more wary than I let on. I suppose it is to protect myself in case things go bad again and I don't want to rush things.

Thanks again all... and to you also my friend and little sweetie, Angel!!!
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Old 01-18-2005, 09:09 AM   #13
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Stormgirl-
Wow...you have been on a little adventure! I am SO happy that you and your man are working things out. It seems like the days you spent together went better than expected and hes realized what an amazing girl he almost lost. Reading your thread made me smile ear to ear. As Reddoorblack said, it is nice to hear some good news around here.

About your mom. I think our moms are alike. Even though they aren't the most nurturing moms; they still care. She carried you for 9 months and tended to your every need. When you hurt she was their with the band-aid. She loves you and when she saw you with a broken heart I think she hated that she couldn't just "fix" it. No Mother likes to see her daughter in pain. Especially when she can't do anything to make it better. So I think shes just afraid that you get hurt again. You are almost 27 and who you spend your time and your life with is your decision. She wants the best for you and any guy who hurts you isn't good enough for her little girl. I think in time, she'll respect your decision, especially if your man makes attempts to prove to you and your mother that hes not pulling any immature tricks out of his sleeve again.

Maybe this is just what your 6.5 year relationship needed. He obviously realized what he had with you. You are handling this all so well. Staying cautious is a good idea. It will take time to build back the trust that he won't do this again. A friend of mine with through a similar ordeal with her husband about 8 months back and is still working on trusting that hes not going anywhere again. But if you stick it out and both of you are willing to make it work then your relationship will be even stronger than before.

<hug>-- I'm so happy for you.

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 01-18-2005 at 09:09 AM.

 
Old 01-19-2005, 12:47 AM   #14
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Hey Elated! Yes what an adventure! To tell you the truth, I am nervous to be happy because I am afraid that it will all come crashing down. Hopefully that will go away once we have had a long talk about things, and once my confidence grows again. But you know what? I also feel a little guilty for feeling a bit happy. I know it sounds dumb, but when I hit rock bottom, you and many others picked me up and helped me. And now I still see so many of my good friends here struggling or hurting, and I think... why me? How come I get to feel some happiness when the others don't? I suppose that is why I still feel a little nervous about it...

My mum will never be happy with my choice in him I don't think. She may accept it, but she will never respect it. I can fully understand where she is coming from, but she is the type that doesn't feel they have to understand where anyone else is coming from. She is an angel, but can be prone to being irrational if things don't pan out the way she wants them too. Oh, and she's always right!!! Which many times, you know, she has been... and she may be this time too... but I guess it's something that I've just got to figure out myself. Otherwise, I'll always wonder.

Who knows Elated? Who knows what life holds for us? Both of our lives have been on a roller coaster for the past few months, so who could possible predict what will happen in the next 5 minutes even? But we've both changed and grown in this time, and hopefully we will be able to take what we've learnt with us on our next journey hey... wherever that may be?
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Last edited by StormGirl; 01-19-2005 at 12:48 AM.

 
Old 01-19-2005, 07:27 AM   #15
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Re: An update... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Stormgirl-
Hey, no need to feel guilty for your happiness. It really is nice to hear good news around here.

I think you will feel mixed emotions about feeling happy because you now have the fear that at any moment things may come crashing down again. Like I posted earlier..this will take time. Having a good heart to heart talk will help, but in the long run it is time that will help you rebuild your trust for him. You're going to have to experience the good and bad with him and see that he doesn't bail out before you'll really TRUST him. There also is no guarantee...men walk out on their wives of 30+ years everyday. It is called faith and just trying to enjoy the moment. So enjoy this wonderful time right now...feel the happiness, but also keep that guard up a little until he gives you reason to take it down. There is no guarantees with love, but even still people say it is better to love and loose than to never love at all. Why? Because being in love with someone is the best feeling in the world. Having someone love you, there for you, holding your hand through life is such a wonderful feeling that it is worth all the risks sometimes. If love wasn't so great people wouldn't do all the crazy things we do when we love someone. So enjoy it right now. Hold it close and feel every good emotion of it.

I know what you mean about your mom. Mine is the same freaking way. Shes always right and has a hard time putting herself in someone else's shoes. But like you said, even if shes right this time...you need to know shes right. If you didn't give it a chance you'd always be wondering in the future how things "could have been".

Thanks stormgirl for all your support..I'm so glad things are working out for you...and even if they don't remember we're here to catch you if you fall.

 
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