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Old 02-02-2005, 07:48 AM   #1
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elatedgiraffe HB User
I'm SO weak and need some support...

Maybe I need a good slap in the face or maybe I'm just crazy..

For all of you familiar with what I'm going through....

I've been taking all your advice to heart. I know I need to love myself first. I know and understand all of the advice I've gotten here and everything that I've been reading in the past few months to help me through this...

I said I cut off the "friends with benefits"...but then I went back. I know that it is not good in the long run, but it got to a point that it got me through the day and anything to get me through the day is more important than how things will be months from now because without getting through the day there won't be months from now...make sense?

Well last night he informed me that he doesn't feel anything for me emotionally...duh...but I just wasn't ready to hear that. In fact I was going to really cut things off as soon as I felt more stable. I just needed that comfort right now and I know it is bad, but I just didn't know what else to do. It is not so much him as he hit a sore spot...one that is still healing from the ex. The spot that isn't good enough for any man to really love me...I think my ex struggled with the same issues. I think I was comfortable and he enjoyed his time with me, but he wasn't head over heals for me. So he dragged it out for over 2 years until he finally ended it. The rejection from the friends with benefits wouldn't be a big deal in different circumstances, but right now it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I was positive about getting a job and possibly moving. I was getting really stressed, but I was getting by, barely. But only with a cushion and that cushion was the friends with benefits. As much as I wanted and still want to be strong and stand on my own two feet...I realized that I'm doing the best I can. I am giving 100% and needed just a little cushion...I'm weak I know, but I'm being honest here and honest with myself.

I just couldn't do all this ALONE. I thought I hit rock bottom when my ex left 3 months ago, but thats nothing compared to this. Now I'm dealing with the ex leaving, finding a job, moving and I just needed someone. Even though it wasn't pure and in the long run I know the friends with benefits wouldn't make me happy, but right now I need that. How has it come to this?

Everyone says stay strong. That I can do this. That I can stand on my own two feet. I tried that and now, especially, now I CAN'T. I've prayed, I've stayed positive and I just can't do this anymore. I can barely breathe and was barely able to function before this added rejection. It hurts because I do have emotionally attachment to him. I was keeping it at a level that I could deal with and was so going to cut it off as soon as I felt a little more grounded. I just can't deal with this anymore.

I've hit rock bottom...I don't know what to do. I think I'm having a mental breakdown. I'm drowning in the middle of the ocean with nothing to keep me afloat anymore. Nobody, not even God is keeping me afloat....I'm so scared. I have NEVER felt this bad. My whole world in 3 months has completely crashed down. Then I put myself in a risky situation with the "friends with benefits" and now I'm whining about that. I'm pathetic, I know. I put myself here. I just didn't know what else to do. Can anyone relate? I just needed a little something to keep me afloat. I'd see him one day a week and the rest of the time I was focusing on me and what I need to get done. I just needed an escape one day a week. I just can't deal with all this 24/7 7 days a week. I just needed an escape every now and then and now thats taken away....

 
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Old 02-02-2005, 08:06 AM   #2
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Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

It was meant to be. Because if your ex didn't leave ya,you wouldn't be meeting the person you WILL MEET! And when you do meet this special person,you will look back and say exactly that.I promise you,it will get better!My x left me after 8 yrs! I thought my life was over.I'm 40,she was 33.She left me for an 18 yr old. i was so hurt! Now she realizes she made a big mistake,but i told her its to late! I met someone else.I'm telling ya from the heart! Good things happen to good peaple.You sound like good peaple.I know it hurts,i was there a while back.I would say good luck,but you won't need it! Mark my word,you'll see! And when it does happen,i hope you tell us about it!

 
Old 02-02-2005, 08:12 AM   #3
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

I can totally relate to wha tyou're going through EG. I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I know how it feels. I wish there were some way for us all to be there more than just words on a computer screen, but until something more real comes along, close your eyes, hear our voices, and imagine all of us with our arms around you...

((((((((EG))))))))

It's been said since time eternal, and I guess it still holds true, men are just better at separating sex and love than women are. Friends with benefits is a situation that almost always finds the woman at the short end of the stick. But PLEASE don't beat yourself up over going back to him and getting burned. It's hard. I've been thinking seriously about calling my FWB and seeing what might happen. My heart is so sore and I'm so frustrated I can't even sit still. It's not so easy to just be cut off from love and sex and comfort and companionship. Please don't beat yourself up for being human and for needing and wanting that. It's only natural. Perhaps you just need to concentrate on baby steps. You've got all this stuff hitting you in the face, being suddenly single, changing jobs, moving, hiring movers, renting a truck, packing up all your stuff, sending out resumes, going on interviews...that's a lot to deal with. maybe if you break it up in your mind, break it down day by day, instead of looking at it all in one big chunk. Today, you're going to send 5 resumes out, pack up books, just books, then call a friend and treat yourself to a movie or some other type of pampering tonight. Then tomorrow will be another day to tackle another little piece of the big chunk. Then perhaps it won't seem so daunting.

In the meantime, I think it's ok to miss your ex. It's ok to be hurt by what your FWB told you. You're human. Give yourself permission to be stung a little. Feel it, embrace the fact that it's normal, then set to the task of tackling today's little chunk.

I hope you'll be feeling better soon. Vent again if you need to.
(((hugs)))

 
Old 02-02-2005, 09:04 AM   #4
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Kay33 HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

I don't know if this will help; but I think your hanging in there remarkably well, and what your feeling is quite normal and certainly understandable considering that nearly every aspect of your life has been thrown into uncertainty.
Screw 'being strong' and congratulate yourself for NOT being curled up in the fetal position, humming to yourself.
You know, it's okay to feel awful and to be terrified. Just try not to be paralyzed by it all; think 'baby steps'.

Don't worry that your emotions are haywire...one day your ready to get on with your life, full of hope...and the next day, your overwhelmed w/fear, doubt and sadness. Again, that's to be expected.
It may not seem like it, but you are making progress...it doesn't happen overnight...it's a process that can take awhile. Just do what you can, don't beat yourself up. Keep posting.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 09:13 AM   #5
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Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Hey, Elated, Goody's here with hugs too.(((((((( ))))))))) I think Hatter and Nini said all that needs to be said.....and you shouldn't beat yourself up about the friends with benefits...he was a human form of alcohol and drugs....a temporary fix and as difficult as you may see it now, he actually had more balls than your ex to be honest enough to not drag you down. I have a feeling that your feelings for him were taking on a change and think you even admitted to this fact in your last thread. Doesn't mean you are not loveable or that something is wrong with you...just means that FWB cared enough about you not to hurt you anymore than you already have been.(And perhaps you both were a little horny )hehehehe

So...there's no FWB....let's be a little productive and think of something together that may get you through this. Perhaps we can save Goody a little time and have you read my last post to Nini. Alot of what I have to say to her may apply to you as well. Let me know and Elated, remember how far you have come and how strong you really are and that we are always here to support you. That's what friends are for......Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-02-2005 at 09:16 AM.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 09:41 AM   #6
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heartlandguy HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Hi, EG. I’m sorry to hear your key lifeline wasn’t available when you most needed it. Maybe a personal experience of mine relates to your situation.

A couple of days ago I posted about a “meltdown” in my marriage that, thankfully, we resolved last night. I had serious questions about her post-menopausal feelings for me so this was not one of our typical meltdowns. Instead of having an immediate reaction to the event, it took several hours for me to rationalize all the implications of our “discussion”. Once I basically understood everything but couldn’t come to terms with it, I instinctively shielded myself from the pain with a deep, internalized anger that made me very sullen and unapproachable. Ruth once said that she thinks testosterone makes men react differently and now I think she is right. You may want apply these thoughts to your situation.

You express a frequently reoccurring void that leaves you aching. I had that feeling too until the anger kicked in to protect me. The worst part of that void feeling is how little control you feel you have over your problem. When the anger kicks in, I feel more empowered than before and can move forward. You seem to occasionally shield yourself from the pain but can’t sustain it. I wish there was an “anger” patch for you so you could move on, too. Hopefully, understanding this process might help you a bit. Maybe you can figure out a way to apply it to your situation. For instance, it may be useful in understanding your FWB.

You and your FWB are both recovering from break-ups. During one of your stronger moments, you told him you didn’t need him any more. Think how that must have made him feel. If his defense mechanisms kicked in like mine, “he doesn't feel anything for me emotionally” seems like a normal response to me. Maybe he was developing feelings for you so it is best for him that things ended as they did. Otherwise, time and an honest friendship might reverse his detachment from you. Use this information wisely.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 10:06 AM   #7
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Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
You express a frequently reoccurring void that leaves you aching. I had that feeling too until the anger kicked in to protect me. The worst part of that void feeling is how little control you feel you have over your problem. When the anger kicks in, I feel more empowered than before and can move forward. You seem to occasionally shield yourself from the pain but can’t sustain it. I wish there was an “anger” patch for you so you could move on, too. Hopefully, understanding this process might help you a bit. Maybe you can figure out a way to apply it to your situation. For instance, it may be useful in understanding your FWB.
Heartland....I'm sort of confused as to how anger internalized in any situation can be helpful or therapeutic. Unless you are speaking of a "temporary patch", however, in your situation it seems to have been a "long term" patch. I tend to believe that any type of anger held inside over a long term can be self destructive and only hold a person back from moving forward. I've gotten angry and only found while I was, it went against everything I believed in or stood for. It would only change me into somebody I didn't wish to be or that was so unnatural for me to be and thus made me feel even more miserable than I was already feeling. I don't wish to take over Elated's thread but would like to discuss this further with you....your recent "meltdown" made me want to reach out and help you as you have me in the past. I am perimenopausal and perhaps could assist in someway and would like to if you would let me.



Quote:
Originally Posted by heartland
You and your FWB are both recovering from break-ups. During one of your stronger moments, you told him you didn’t need him any more. Think how that must have made him feel. If his defense mechanisms kicked in like mine, “he doesn't feel anything for me emotionally” seems like a normal response to me. Maybe he was developing feelings for you so it is best for him that things ended as they did. Otherwise, time and an honest friendship might reverse his detachment from you. Use this information wisely.
My thoughts exactly.....Elated, you saw that he was only a temporary fix and wanted to move forward without him....both of you knew from the beginning that you each were not ready for another relationship, yet you are both yet so fragile. You must see that in this instance both men & women are able to feel rejection and hurt even when setting up guidelines in order to prevent that from happening

In any case, it only goes to show you that no matter what, it only makes it more difficult to move forward when we use things that can make things worse as a means of covering up the pain we are experieincing thus making it a longer prcess of healing. Sort of like rubbing salt in a wound....we've all done it Elated, and have learned through experience that it is better to just allow the wound to heal by nursing it with love and giving it time. If we rush the process we only stand a chance of reopening it before it has even had a chance to heal......Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-02-2005 at 10:09 AM.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 11:11 AM   #8
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Wow, you guys really made me feel better. Brought tears to my eyes actually. I guess I was ready to hear the "You're strong. You'll get through this..."...all that worked before, but now I'm beyond being strong. Thanks so much for all your support. I feel so defeated today and I'm glad that this is normal....I'm glad that some of you are proud of how far I've come and understand that how I'm feeling is a completely NORMAL reaction.

I do have respect that my FWB had the balls to be honest. We always have made sure we're honst with one another. He said he didn't want to be an *** and that he feels like one. He thinks we should spend less time talking on the phone and see each other less. He says he wants to remain friends, but we'll see...the ex said that too. At least now I know I can have feelings for someone other than my ex...but will anyone ever have feelings for me? I feel like there is something wrong with me, like "I'm great and wonderful and would make a great wife" BUT BUT BUT BUT...they just don't "feel" it. The FWB could have keep things going just to get his end of the deal and since hes a man I'll have to give him credit for not just thinking with his other head. Heartlandguy..you do have a point, but I really don't think he ever had romantic feelings for me. He made it clear several times that he enjoys my company, but there is no chance for love or falling in love and he doesn't want to do to me what the ex just did. It really isn't a big deal and I explained this to him, its just that it was keeping me above water right now. I was at a 9.5 already with everything else and the .5 of this just pushed me over the edge.

I hate that I feel that I NEED him right now. I hate needing anyone. I want to be with people for the right reasons. I want to stand on my own two feet without being freaking dependent on someone....but thats just not me. I was doing alright with a phone call every other day and seeing him one night a week...I just needed a little crutch...

Whoever said God doesn't give us more than we can handle...I don't beleive that anymore. Everything has fell apart in a matter of months. Goody I'm going to read what you wrote to nini and get back to you.

Thanks all for your support...I don't feel as pathetic. I'm glad you understand just what I'm going through. I'm glad that you hit the nail on the head when you said FWB is just like drugs or alcohol. Thats exactly what I told him...I knew hes bad in the long run, but it got me through the week and I need anything that will get me through the week. Where do I go from here? Baby steps...okay...God I'm just falling apart. I want to crawl up in bed and cry for 6 months, but I don't have that option. I have 3 weeks before I'm jobless and just everything else going on....I just can't do it.. I just need help and support. I don't ask for help much, but now I just can't do it anymore. How do I look for work when I'm not even mentally all there anymore?

 
Old 02-02-2005, 11:48 AM   #9
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

EG, are you on any type of exercise program? I think that would greatly help your energy and mental state. Sometimes it really helps to get your body moving and release all that stress. Maybe you can take 20 minutes out of the day to take a nice brisk walk around the neighborhood (not at night) or turn on your favorite music and jazzercise, aerobicize, or just dance for half an hour. You may be surprised at how that will clear your head.

I know how these kinds of emotional blows can really fry your circuits. You need to re-charge your batteries. An exercise program would help I think. As far as looking for a new job, I'm sure you'll be just fine if you take it one step at a time. Did you get a good letter of recommendation from your current employer? Make sure you get one. Is your resume up to date? make sure to eat right, stay away from sugar and caffeine, and get plenty of sleep.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 12:45 PM   #10
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heartlandguy HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Heartland....I'm sort of confused as to how anger internalized in any situation can be helpful or therapeutic. Unless you are speaking of a "temporary patch", however, in your situation it seems to have been a "long term" patch.
...
I…perhaps could assist in someway and would like to if you would let me.
Hey, Goody Thanks so much for your concern but by last evening, everything was great again for my wife (a Leo) and me. Due to an unrelated appointment yesterday, we went out of town together and had lots of time to resolve our issues. For the first time in about ten years, we actually “made up”. We had forgotten how much fun that can be.

Concerning internalized anger, I originally posted about it at [url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showpost.php?p=1466526&postcount=10[/url]. To summarize, the anger is temporary and it serves to encapsulate the pain like an oyster encapsulates an irritant thus forming a pearl. I agree with you that long term anger can be self destructive.

Last edited by heartlandguy; 02-02-2005 at 01:46 PM.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 01:16 PM   #11
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Anger is a defense mechanism, but I don't know if being angry will get me through this. I guess it is better than a FWB, or drinking...which I need to take care of me right now. When discussing with my FWB last night over the phone I started drinking then when I got off I needed more cigs...Got in the car and I got pulled over..and I have to say that God knew not to put anything more on me. I was so scared...I got off with a warning. I know I must have been over the limit and I just need to start being better to myself and not putting myself in these situations. Anger can also turn into depression...

I'm glad I came to work today with 2 hours of sleep...I have been busy and interacting with others has taken my mind off everything "I" need to deal with. You guys have been so great...I guess you are like my crutch in a way too. A cushion and coming here this morning was the best decision I've made all day. Thank you all so much.


Goody, I read what you posted to Nini...it is very similar to the things I've been reading. I am trying to love myself, but for some reason I NEEDED the FWB.....I mean I guess I am so used to having someone there for me day in and day out that it is so hard to not have that anymore. To not have someone I can call daily that loves me so. I've had 6 years of someone "there" and it is frightening doing it all on my own. I guess thats why a couple calls a week and a once a week sleep over was a real cut back from what I have been used to. I'm going to do some reading tonight and prayer. I have to keep going as I have no other choice. I have no other choice but to feel the pain, confusion, frustration, depression, anger, anxiety and ride with it. To top it all off I think I have a UTI too.... (A great reminder of the FWB).....

Baby steps, thank you all for reminding me. The big picture literally overwhelms me so bad that I can't even breathe. One day at a time...one hour at a time.

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 02-02-2005 at 02:06 PM.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 06:25 PM   #12
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Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
I'm weak I know, but I'm being honest here and honest with myself.


I'm pathetic, I know. I put myself here. I just didn't know what else to do.

Can anyone relate?
Well, first, I read your post, and read it again, and yet still don't see anything weak about you! Not one word of it.

Second, oh elated, please don't call yourself pathetic. You're so not, and if you are then, gee, I don't even know what that would make me. I can tell you I've posted the same feelings over and over, got the same great advice over and over, took the advice and felt great for a while. And then Boom, all those feelings come back out of no where. It's quite natural to go thru this. I've been reading here for quite a while, and can tell you from what I see, it's very normal.
I had met this guy a few months back and it seems we weren't able to get along well, so I just gave up. Well actually just the other day I called him. Not looking for a FWB situation, but maybe worse, just a good old fashioned one night stand. How shameful is that! Thank goodness, I'm not very direct in my approach, so he didn't figure out what I was getting at. I actually woke up the next morning very glad about that. He even actually talked to me for a little bit. So what I'm getting at, do you think that maybe, sometime in the near future, you might actually be thankful that your friend didn't give you what you needed in that one particular moment? Just look forward a little ways. I'm sure one day soon, as soon as you get that new job and maybe move, you will be posting how glad you are about how everything worked out. I got a good feeling about this one!

Finally, all that was just to let you know, Yes, someone can relate.

 
Old 02-02-2005, 06:41 PM   #13
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Snails HB UserSnails HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
I hate that I feel that I NEED him right now. I hate needing anyone. I want to be with people for the right reasons. I want to stand on my own two feet without being freaking dependent on someone....but thats just not me. I was doing alright with a phone call every other day and seeing him one night a week...I just needed a little crutch...
EG, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a terrible series of obstacles. I thought everyone else's advice was great, so I'm not going to reiterate all that. But I just wanted to say please don't be so hard on yourself for needing people, particularly when you're having a really hard time. Like you, I hate the idea of needing anyone and consider myself pretty independent, but when it comes down to it, we all need people, and that's not a bad thing. We are social creatures, and our world is filled with social bonds that give us a sense of belonging and security--children need their parents, husbands need their wives, etc. It doesn't make you weak to rely on people to get you through life, especially the rough patches. I struggle with feeling guilty about needing certain people myself, but in the end, it's not something anyone should beat themselves up over. My relatives, friends, and sweetheart all want to be there for me, want me to need them and I'm sure yours do too. I'd bet anything that they'd be happy and honored if you turn to them for support and encouragement in your time of need. This is not the time to try to be independent and avoid using others as cushions--I'm sure your family and friends would love to be there to keep you company, talk through your emotions, distract you, and just help you cope in any way they can.

Sweetie, you already have so much more than enough on your plate without feeling bad about relying on your FWB!! Think about what you would tell a friend in your position--probably the exact same thing I'll tell you--you don't deserve to have even one more guilty or self-critical thought about this! You're doing the very best you can and just trying to pull through without hurting anyone. Be a good friend to yourself: focus on all your wonderful, positive qualities while silencing any negative thoughts about yourself that pop up in your head. Okay, you were probably leaning on the wrong person, but so what? The best way to heal IS to lean on family and friends, to surround yourself with people who love and care about you that will remind you that you are a amazing person with a great life ahead of you once you make it through this difficult period. Why not reach out to them instead of feeling guilty about relying on your FWB guy? If he's there for you, that's fine, but you also deserve as much additional outside support as you can get. Hang in there, and I definitely agree that you'll pull through best if you focus on taking baby steps and getting through one day at a time.

Best wishes and good luck
Stacy

 
Old 02-03-2005, 12:08 AM   #14
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Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

Just hang in there sweetie You will do JUST fine!!!! Remeber that you are strong and beautiful and independent! Soon you will find the ONE
But for now...be a happy single girl...enjoy life...NO commitments, just fun! You only have to think about your self....Take a girls night out and have a great time...Be checked out and flirted with

For every realtionship we are in...we learn about our selves and what to do and not to do in the next relationship...Look at this as a practice for the real thing

Good luck!!!!


 
Old 02-03-2005, 07:37 AM   #15
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heartlandguy HB User
Re: I'm SO weak and need some support...

EG, I hope today is better than yesterday for you. I very much admire the courage you have shown us in this thread. Don’t feel bad about what you perceive as weakness. When we are in a freefall, it is only natural to grab out for anything that might break our fall.

Your baby-steps mantra has become a survival instinct that is serving you well. Like a bodybuilder who strengthens the body with strenuous exercise, you will emerge with tremendous strength of character and will. It’s the mental version of “no pain, no gain”.

It’s painful for us to know that you are suffering so much but we know your fighting spirit will get you through this. Like it or not, you are now the epitome of independence and you know you can’t quit. You are able to take baby-steps when many others would just shut down and give up. That shows that deep down, you do love yourself.

BTW, it may help your self-image to realize that your FWB likes you more than he is willing to admit. Think about three things he said.
- He says he wants to remain friends
- He doesn't feel anything for you emotionally
- He thinks you two should spend less time talking on the phone and see each other less.
If he was emotionally detached from you and wanting to remain friends, it wouldn’t bother him to talk to you and see you as often as you two have. Since you broke off the benefits, he knows the relationship is going nowhere and certainly couldn’t say anything other than “he doesn't feel anything for me emotionally”. So while you feel you are at rock bottom in life, at the very least he wants to be your friend without benefits. That thought should make you smile just a little bit. Have a nice day.

 
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