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Old 02-06-2005, 03:54 PM   #1
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emma_j_21 HB User
and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Well to those of you who are following whats going on with me my relationship and taken a dramatic twist. My head is well and truely confused.

Well i went out last night with a group of my friends and my bf went out with one of his friends, we both went to the same place. because they were on there own i said well come over and join me and they did. things where kinda awkward but then they settled down and we started kissing and he said he was sorry for being sure a ***** all week and i said thank you because someone saying sorry to me means alot.So anyway we where havinga great time we're where all over each other. then he looked at me and said i want a kid with you, i want you to come off the pill and to stop using condoms and i want a child. i was a little taken aback.
I want a child with him so bad but i've only just turned 21 and i just think i'm to young, however i have i have ben really broody lately and had changed my views on having a baby. I thought that if we could get back into a comitted relatioship and move in together and get engaged then maybe in a year or two we could have a child.
I also have to mention that my bf has a medical condition and that he only has a 2% cahnge of being sterile.
So about two hours ago we had a chat and i told him this because he brought it up in a leter he wrote to me. He said that a year or two was to long and that he wants to start trying NOW or in the next few months. I said that i wouldn't bring a baby into the relationship we had now, into an unhappy relationship. he said that he couldn't promise me getting engaged or living together then i said so you just want a baby regarles of wether we're in an unhappy or a happy relationship and he sid yes i know thats selfish. So basically he just wants a baby end of story.
My heads such a mess. i want a baby so so much with this person but i want to be at least engaged and living together but he just wants one. i feel so pressured. he wants to give me the one thing i so desperatly want and i'm saying no.I'm now afriad that if i say no he's going to dump me and find someone else.
any comments would be much appreciated

 
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Old 02-06-2005, 04:12 PM   #2
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Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

In time, it sounds like he might just dump you anyway even if YOU DO give him a child...I'm 21 and 7 months pregnant. Even though I love my fiance with all my heart and soul, lemme tell you that, with a baby on the way~it gets hard. You think what you're going through is bad right now...trying involving a child. It's expensive and something the both of you really honestly have to work at. In time your Mr. right will come along and he will be utterly smitten with you. He will be the one to get on his knees and ask you to marry him. He won't give the foolish line of "I can't promise you an engagment..." who knows what else you're boyfriend WON'T want to promise you when your in 48 hours of back breaking labor pain. Can you see him being there for you day in and day out during your pregnancy and for the rest of your life? If you can, then you do what you feel in your heart. But if you even so much as have a hint of doubt...then don't do it. Mr. right will come along eventually when you least expect it....cuz this one doesn't sound like it.

Last edited by Regina21; 02-06-2005 at 04:20 PM.

 
Old 02-06-2005, 04:28 PM   #3
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Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

you know i think i've just realised that he's not my mrs right. he's treating me crap. a year ago we here so in love he wanted to spend his life with me thats all changed now. one min he's about to dump me the next he wants a baby. i feel so pressured. if he was mrs right he would be putting me though all this. I want a child with him so so bad. but if i don't have him 110% then i won't. he also wants a baby with me but doesn't want to see me.

Last edited by emma_j_21; 02-06-2005 at 04:29 PM.

 
Old 02-06-2005, 06:07 PM   #4
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Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

It's not worth it darlin. All the heartache and pain. Prolly alot of tears have been put into this relationship also. There's no doubt in my mind that you've tried all you can to try and salvage it. Maybe you should just let it go...let him go and see how it works out. Lord knows it's hard...life is hard in general. But if you brought a child into the world, who's to say he would actually stay with you. He might actually end up leaving you...and there you'll be a single mom with a child...And from your previous post you said you didn't want to bring an innocent child into that kind of environment. You've got a strong head on your shoulders. Keep ya head up as well as your self esteem and just know and understand that you deserve MUCH and i stress MUCH better.

Last edited by Regina21; 02-06-2005 at 06:08 PM.

 
Old 02-06-2005, 10:51 PM   #5
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~Tyger~ HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

hi emma,
How've you been? Obviously not all that good I'm sorry to hear of your predicament.

I think Regina is right. There is somebody else out there, probably many people, who will treat you the way you deserve and not leave you with these doubts and worries. I have learnt first hand how quickly and painfully love can change into something less...even though it starts out so intense and magnificant. I felt comfortable and cherished in my relationship with my ex...he started off besotted but slowly his views were changing and he was distancing himself more and more as he became more stressed about it. Yet I clung, hopelessly, deluding myself that it would last forever. When he dumped me, I felt I couldn't live on. When I found out he was with another women soon after, it was lke the knife in the coffin.

Since then I've been going through the painfully slow healing process as I grieve for what I've lost. But the important thing here, Emma, is that I've realised what I've GAINED. I know it seems impossible in your position right now, but once released, you find new reasons to love yourself, a new freedom, a whole new outlook on life and the possibilities open to you. Its like the world suddenly presents all its opportunities to you, and its scary and overwhelming, but liberating aswell. I've learnt more in the last few weeks than I learnt in an entire 2.5 years with my ex. You CAN do better, and in the end you will, if you stay strong and make the right decisions. Staying stuck in you're position is demeaning to the fantastic person you are, and the potential you have.

Its SO difficult, I know, but you're sensible and can see that bringing a baby into such an unstable relationship equals disaster. Its terrible that you're bf can think that he can just impregnate you, have you as an incubator for his child, whilst disregarding the problems with the relationship and on top of that, giving you NO reason to feel secure by avoiding the responsibilities of marraige or even a partnership. Its not worth it. Perhaps, in a way, you feel a baby is the way to hold a relationship together, but at the best of times, a baby is a trying obstacle for the closest of couples. If anything, this will drive you both into further turmoil, and take from you a freedom you can still otherwise have back.

Perhaps he feels his time is limited...that he might as well get going with you because he might not have another chance. Is that the woman you want to be to him? You should be cherished by your partner...loved and respected - not used as an oven. You deserve much more than this. Be strong. Breaking up is difficult, but its a sacrifice that sometimes opens up the rest of your wonderful life. We're in this together!

tyger.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 12:50 AM   #6
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Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Hi Emma! I was reading your latest update and it struck a cord.... I remember hearing the exact same words from my ex....

We were still together, but not seeing as much of each other. I knew the final blow was coming, and so did he, seeing that he was seeing some other girl too. We had been together 5 years, and he was confused as to which way he should go I suppose. He asked me to have his child, and I said NO WAY, not with the relationship like this and there being no commitment (I was only 20 at the time). And I'm so glad I did. I stuck with my gut instinct that it wasn't a good idea. A couple of months later he chose her (and I finally found out about her) and the next month SHE was pregnant. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had agreed? Would he have continued to see her and get her pregnant too? Would he have just submitted and stayed with me under sufferance? No thanks, I only want someone to be with me because they WANT to be with me... no other reason. And let me tell you, I loved him with all of my heart and wanted him to commit to me.... but I wasn't going to use a child to do that. The other girl did, and she got him.... but not all that she expected!!! Meanwhile I moved on to bigger and better... life went on without him and I found a more meaningful love elsewhere.

My point to you is this... if he doesn't even know where he wants the relationship to go, then there should be no doubt in your mind as to the answer. Let him know how ridiculous a request like that sounds after all the ups and downs you've had. Stick to your guns and do not bend your rules just because he wants to have a baby.... you will regret it otherwise. It's not like you are asking for too much if he really loved you... you are only asking for a stable relationship and environment to bring YOUR future child up in, and if he loved you he would respect that. And if he goes and finds someone else, then sweetie, it just goes to prove that it wasn't meant to be and there are better things planned for you!!!
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Old 02-07-2005, 06:41 AM   #7
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Music4All HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Quote:
Originally Posted by emma_j_21
...i've just realised that he's not my mrs right
...he's treating me crap
...one min he's about to dump me
...if he was mrs right he would be putting me though all this
I know that it really isn't advice that you need, as you already show that you know and understand that he is not the man for you.

Please know that if you give in to your emotion on this and have a baby with him, you wil be committing to raising this child as a single mother. That is the deal you will be making.

You deserve to be in a whole and healthy realtionship with a man that loves you and can work wth you to build a peaceful, loving, and supportive family. Any child brought into this world deserves a good chance of succeding and being confident and secure in themselves and their family. Some things happen in our children's lives that are unnavoidable and our children just have to learn to live through. But some challenges that our children unfairly face are of our doing and could have been avoided had we made the diffiult choice.

Loving someone that is not good for you hurts. I wish you strength to stand for what you believe. I know it must be tough.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 08:42 AM   #8
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Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

I think the reason he asked you to get pregnant is because he figures if you have his child, you wont leave him. I was in a relationship where I got pregnant and my ex said "now you definately wont leave me". It was a highly dysfunctional relationship, and getting pregnant had the opposite effect: it gave me the motivation to leave. I would not recommend getting pregnant in order to get your priorities straight, though!!!

8 years later, I have a beautiful daughter who is a spitting image of her father. She does not know him. I guess that may be for the best, as he has made some bad choices since we broke up. With my ex, he felt that if I had his baby, he would have more control over me. He figured that no woman would choose to have a baby by herself. He was wrong, thank god!

Single parenting sucks. I cannot put into words how difficult and frustrating it can be. I hated the stigma of being a single mom, I hated living with my parents until my daughter was 5, but with college and working I needed them. It worked out well because I love my parents and respect them and they in turn let me raise my child in their home while I got my life together. I am married, another child, and man is it better to have a baby with a husband around.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it and dont get stuck like I did! I wasnt even legal to drink and I had a baby, a job, and a full-time college schedule. I spent YEARS without any kind of a social life, because I did not want to leave my daughter ever when I was home, as I was gone so much. I love her, but she deserved a mom and dad, not some overstressed single mom. My ex asked me to have his baby because he felt like it would make me stay, no matter how he felt like treating me. I didnt, and in hindsight, it was really stupid to get pregnant. Really, really stupid.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 09:04 AM   #9
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pcantona HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

This thread is easy to answer. You are doing the right thing with not putting a baby to the world into these conditions. If he just wants a baby no matter what and you are afraid that he will dump you otherwise.,then let him. You shouldn't let yourself be blackmailed that way. If he dumps you, then you know that he is just after a "vessel" to carry a baby and doesn't care about you or a child. Just wait till you are a little older and have a stable relationship.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 09:16 AM   #10
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SophiaM HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Emma, whatever you do, DON'T have a child wiht this man! You would be making a horrible mistake. He definitely doesn't know what he wants, and that line about not promising you engagement is truly offensive. So he wants what he wants but is not willing to ensure a secure environment for you or the baby. With his track record of changing his mind so often, how can you even be sure he will want to have anything to do with you or the child once he/she is born? I wouldn't count on him to be a devoted father. In fact, he sounds mentally unstable to me. Just the fact he's trying to blackmail you into a life altering decision like this is beyond mind boggling. Lose this guy, concentrate on your education, friends, and hobbies right now, and when you meet MR. Right, he will marry you first, and talk about children later, and he won't be afraid to promise you anything.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 01:38 PM   #11
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

First of all, you have to realize that your definitions don't match. When you say you want to have a baby with this man, you probably mean you want to live together, most likely even be married, and start a family. He does not mean the same thing. He wants you to be a surrogate mother. He wants to be the sperm donor, and then he wants the option of maybe being with you if the whim hits him, but most likely the freedom to walk. He's telling you straight up he's not that into you, that you're most likely not the woman he wants to spend his life with, but he wants to use you to be his baby-making machine. How will you feel when he meets the woman he does want to marry, marries her, then they sue you for full custody? A baby deserves so much more than that. An innocent baby deserves a family. A mom and dad who at least love each other enough to try to build a life together and make a family and home for their baby. He's not offering you that. He wants to be a sperm donor with visitation rights. Is that what you really want? Is that what you want for your baby? Honey, you're only 21 years old!! What he's talking about is a fall-back, plan B. When two acquaintances or friends reach a certain age and neither is married or has kids, they get together and have a kid together. But that usually doesn't happen till your late 30s or early to mid 40s. Give yourself a break. Enjoy your youth. and give yourself a chance to meet a really great guy who will want to marry you and raise a family with you as his wife and partner. That's worth waiting at least a little while longer for!!

 
Old 02-07-2005, 01:48 PM   #12
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Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Yeah, Nini is right on! I also have to add that I find it very suspicious that a man who has no desire to be married or in a serious relationship, would be so eager to have a baby. I am totally puzzled. Why would a single man with no plans to marry want a child so badly? That's just not normal for a man, forgive me for my generalizations. That's why I'm thinking he does not have all his screws straight, you know.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 02:39 PM   #13
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Music4All HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Quote:
i want...to stop using condoms
Some men can be amazingly irrational and selfish when it comes to their sexual satisfaction. I would not dismiss the above comment from him as being a significant factor in his "want a baby with you" line.

Last edited by Music4All; 02-07-2005 at 02:40 PM.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 03:56 PM   #14
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emma_j_21 HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Ok the resaon he wants a child so badly now is because of his medical condition he only has a 2% change of getting someone pregnant and he prob won't get past the age of 35-40 so he wants to see it grow up i guess. thats why he's so eager.
I was talking to him earlier and he said that he was so sorry for putting it all on me and that he shouldn't have. My heads a totaly mess. I want a baby with him but when i'm older and not under these circumstances.
Shopiam your first response really made so much sense. i think maybe he is mentally unstable but everything u said in that post made sense thanks. I love this board i really don't know what i would of done without u all. Thanks

Last edited by emma_j_21; 02-07-2005 at 04:07 PM.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 04:03 PM   #15
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: and the plot thickens-- i think i'm about to crack up--for real

Quote:
Originally Posted by emma_j_21
Ok the resaon he wants a child so badly now is because of his medical condition he only has a 2% change of getting someone pregnant and he prob won't get past the age of 35-40 so he wants to see it grow up i guess. thats why he's so eager.
I was talking to him earlier and he said that he was so sorry for putting it all on me and that he shouldn't have. My heads a totaly mess. I want a baby with him but when i'm older and not under these circumstances.
I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to want what he wants, but so do you. If he wants a baby that badly, then the two of you need to get cracking on putting your relationship in a strong, healthy place, and he needs to be willing to wait a year or so. OR he needs to find someone else to marry and have a family with, or he needs to look into adoption. But it's wrong for him to be playing with your heart and emotions like this. "I sort of love you, maybe, don't know if I want to be with you, but put all your dreams and aspirations and plans aside and get pregnant with my kid right now, k?" I'm sorry for his health problems, but they are not excuse for him doing this. If you want to wait and want a solid, loving, commited relationship before bringing a child into the world, then that's what you should do. His health problems aside, he's still making a huge demand on you and is not making any promises. Not good.

 
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