i don't know what i am asking i think i just wanted to vent. things have been bad our whole relationship. we have been split up back on so many times. this last time i came back soley for the kids. i had somewhat a stupid idea that possibly we could get along atleast. i am in school full time. i have no money. the other nite i went out with some friends i meant to come home before 8pm, but got very drunk. very very, but was with friends i trusted. i stayed at one friends house and it was a guy, i have stayed there before, he took me to get my car early in the AM. i went home my husband was VERY mad. even tho he leaves sometimes for the entire weekend. i haven't been very nice to him either lately, mostly ignoring him to avoid fights. so he was ******. he yelled at me an hour, which i am used to. when he got home from work that day was apparently still very mad becuase he punched me right in the face. then wouldn't let me get help and call the police, he did this in front of our children also. after he hald me on the ground 15 minutes with me and the kids beggin him to let me go i got out and me and kids went to my grandmothers where i called the cops. they arrested him, he has been in prison for 24 hours now. will have to spend the weekend there. i am sure he is terribly scared, i feel horrible for him. i care about my husband, i do not want to be with him, but i do wish him well. i cannot sleep i am so worried abouthim, he has never been in jail. i wonder what he is doing if he is ok. also the kids miss him on account of how the last tme they saw him was very unplesant. i think he will be bailed out by his parents on monday. but will not be allowed to have contact with me. i have this feeling he will only make me feel even worse. i am very open and honest and he knows i have been wanting to leave, but have no money or anywhere to go. he always tells me when i try to explain i do love him, but we cannot live together, cannot live like this anymore, its hurting me alot and the kids the most! he can't be happy but insists he is cuz i am all he wants. everyone we know, friends and family all agree with me that it is time to end this, but he does not see it. he is determined to "make it work" however he isn't willing to do anything he thinks everything is my fault. i used to have severe depression, i have been doing better except for this crap with him. i am on meds and go to weelkly counseling. he has done nothing to get help for his anger. he is very selfsih and does not think of the children first as i do. it wouldn't matter if they were my children or not. i wouldn't want to be with a man who doesn't put his children first. i am completely fed up. since i have gotten some help with my depression i have started to also care about myself which he tells me everyday how selfish for puttin myself and my children before him. maybe i am. but that will not change, they need me so much and i cannot put them or me through this any longer. if anyone has any support or has been in a similar spoti just need someone to talk to about this. its tearing at me so much. thankyou all
I was in your boat. My children are 4,3,3. I put my husband in jail when my girls were five months old from him hitting me in the eye and almost breaking my wrist. Then another time less then a year later he put me against the wall by my throat so that was going against the restraining order so I put him in jail again. He shoved me AGAIN this last month and I called AGAIN. I would let him come back for the kids sake because he would tell me how he has changed and how he got help. LIES. Mine also hid drinking or tried anyway. The one thing I quit doing is blaming myself. HE hit me, HE pushed me, He put a bottle to his mouth. HE would try to say "you didn't have to call the cops on me" the fact of the matter is YES I DID. I DID have to defend me and my children. He knows I have bounderies and if he tries to cross them he gets what is coming to them. My boundaries are in cement! He can NOT make deals with me. My kids are SOOOOOOO much happier without him here. I laugh and am relaxed, so are they. I allow him to talk to the kids and I monitor what he says. He will NEVER be allowed in this house again. You have to understand that they seriously think that THEY are the vicitm....They are a vicitm of their own circumstances. NO MATTER what you do or how you try to make things better they NEVER will be. Don't even waste a second of your day thinking that it's bad he's in jail. Do you honeslty think he cared when he hit you in the face? Quit enabling him to treat you whatever way he wants to. IF you want to do something for the kids, get them in a stable enviroment without him. If you have a boy child then he may grow up to hit woman...is that what you want? IF you have a girl child then do you want her to think it's ok to be beat by a man? Our job is to raise them to be better people. You are their role model. Children WILL learn what they live and once it's done it's done..You can NOT take back what a child see's or hears. It may only be an hour of anger for you and your husband but that child will remember it for the REST of his life. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy to get out but it CAN be done. Your going to have to depend on family. Cut him out of your life for a time to get you and the kids situated. It WILL be so much better. I know.
If his parenets bail him out of jail then they are fools. They only are condoning what he did. Again....what are his parents teaching him? Get a restraining order because this is only going to be a taste of how angry he's going to get. He'll also try to say anything and everything you want to hear to lure you back. These guys con us they know what we want to hear, they know how to use the kids to get to us. You will have to be strong no matter how bad your heart hurts. Find support somehow, friends, families, group therapy. Not only are you battered physically but mentally and emotionally. It is abuse to you and those children. Don't think for a second it's different then other abuse cases. He could easily kill you or your children even if you think "oh he'd NEVER do that!" You'd be amazed what abusers will do when they no longer have CONTROL. I hope that you listen. I have been exactly where you are. I stood in your shoes. Go look at your children while their sleeping....and ask yourself...."what is best for them realistically?" Please let us know how you and those precious kids are doing. Lots of love and support. Soul Catcher.
I think that it would probably be a good idea for you not to get very, very, very drunk - to the point where you stay with a guy all night while you are still married.
Personally if I were you, I'd see if I could NOT drink at all if it is going to lead to getting that drunk.
That said, your husband was WRONG WRONG WRONG to hit you. No excuses for that. He could have left and gone somewhere to cool off.
If you are sure about dissolving your marriage then you really have to find a way to not be under the same roof anymore.
And if he wants to make it work HE has to have some counseling, or even sit in on a few of your weekly sessions?
I agree with Ruth6:11. I don't think it is a good idea to be out getting drunk and staying over at other men's houses (even if they are just friends), especially when you have kids at home. It is probably a good idea to end this marriage, as you don't seem to want to be in it and he definitely shouldn't be hitting you. Even if you do decide to leave him, counselling for the two of you would be a good idea simply because there are kids involved. He has to accept that it really is over, and I guess that is where the counsellor would come in.
I hope things work out for you
today the kid have been acting up a little more. i have told them a lot lately if they ned to talk or have any questions please tell me. i don't want them to think their dad is a horrible person they should hate. he really needs help, and i also want them to know that u can't hit someone without consequences. that he will be ok. and i love them and he does, no matter what happens between him and i, and it's better for all of us with out all the fighting and yelling.
i am sure i will not give him another chance. he has been to anger management classes, court appointed, a couple years ago when he fractured my back. i was very lucky to come out of that with out complications and it seems the classes didn't help as much i wished. he does need help but he will have to get it on his own. i can't help him, especially since i don't know if he believes he needs it. i think part of him getting better would be taking resposibility for himself, and know he needs help, and take action to get it his self. and we have been doing alot of praying for him and our family. i really hope he finds happiness. and my children and i to be safe and happy too. thanks 4 ur suport
If you haven't already done so, check your phone book or call your local community center to find out if there's a domestic violence support center and go there for help. They may even have a safe house you and your children can stay at if need be. There's lots of other services they offer. Do yourself a favor and check it out. I did, and it changed my life.
you need to stop worrying about your husband and what he is going through and how he needs help.
you need to help yourself, and help your children.
HE hit you. in front of your children, no less. He hit you before, to the point where he fractured your back! He deserves to be left on his own to deal with his problems, which are major. You have to keep yourself safe, and your children safe.
He's in jail? Never been there before? tough, that's what happens to guys who smack around their wives or girlfriends or kids, they go to jail. He deserves to be there because he punched you in the face. And he belongs there much longer than just this weekend. So forget about him, stay far, far away when his parents bail him out. Sue him. get a restraining order. I'm sure that since he's in custody and the police were involved, that there will already be a trial for him. You need to testify and tell them what he did to you when that time comes. Because if so far he's fractured your back and now punched you in the face, next time you might not be so lucky. Stop telling yourself that there is a good person hidden in this guy and face the fact that he is a violent, dangerous man and staying with him is far and away not in the best interest of you or your kids.
Any man who lays a hand on a woman for ANY reason is no man at all. You feel sorry for him for spending a night or 2 in jail?! Why? He should be in 6 months for assault and battery against you...and he shouldn't be allowed to spend time with your kids unless under the watchful eye of social services. Personally, I hope he gets the royal prison treatment from the other inmates. Maybe then he can empathize with you. Love and well, a real man for that matter, sacrifices himself for his wife and kids. Love isn't about control and certainly not about violence.... Of course he wants you to elevate him above yourself and your kids - because if you value yourself you might realize what a ***** he is - and he knows this - so he beats you down/calls you selfish! This guy makes me sick - for you and for your kids. You're better than that - and so are they.