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Old 03-03-2005, 09:10 PM   #16
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by twotulips
My boyfriend of two years is so very cheap.He always talks about how everything has to be 100% equal.If he buys me dinner,I owe him half.He doesnt like to do small fun things everyday because they are a "waste of money" My sisters and their boyfriends are good to each other with money.My sisters boyfriend takes her places and buys her clothes and things like that.Its not that Im materialistic because Im not but its getting me down thinking that my boyfriend has bought me only two pieces of jewellery in the last two years.hes bought other little things and he wasnt cheap at first but he is now.I asked him to buy me a juice one day and I got the death look from him.He wont even compromise on it at all.Its his way all the time.I dont know how I can make him more giving or if he is a lost cause.It just mnakes me sad to think of what my sisters boyfriends do for them compared to what I get from my boyfriend.My other friends boyfriend is taking her to mexico and she lives with him and doesn pay rent.I dont want to be a free loader or anything because I like things to be fairly equal but this is stupid.Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.Any one else been in this situation?
That would drive me nuts. And he's not even that great of a guy? I say find someone else. You said it's his way all the time....Oh my I wouldnt be able to handle that.

 
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Old 03-03-2005, 11:15 PM   #17
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

yes, i am totally hungry by 10 pm, but i like to wait b/c everything tastes better.

my bf (sadly debatable) can be annoyingly cheap too with little things but he splurges on big things, and he is very generous with his time, energy, etc...

i think it is totally acceptable to want someone to spend money on you, and if that is what you need, then what he is doing is not necessarily bad, but it is not fufilling your needs. how long have you been together? sometimes men are cautious in the beginning....

 
Old 03-04-2005, 03:05 AM   #18
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

We've been together three years. The first six months we were going out to eat about twice a month, but he wanted me to pay my share. My family said a boyfriend doesn't do that so I finally told him I think it's time he bought me dinner. That's also about the time the relationship started getting more "serious" (or so I thought). Now that he's paying (and I foolishly started cooking every week), we hardly ever go out.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 03:27 AM   #19
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

Hi! My take on this........

My BF and I used to go out all the time, dinner, drinls, cinema etc etc and then we moved intotogether and we cant afford to all of those things all of the time. However, despite my BF earning more then DOUBLE what i earn at the moment (am training in my chosen profession at the moment so my earning potential will treble once qualified) I still pay half of my monthly pay to our bills, rent etc......and he pays for everything else to do with our home.....this is a definate struggle for me cos am not exactly left with huge amounts to spend on me or do things but he compensates for that and if we got out to a party etc he tends to pay most of the time and likewise if we go to cinema or something one buys tickets the other popcorn if we can both afford it at that time if not either he pays or i pay..

the bottom line is this, in a relationship, particularly if living together it is importnant that you can rely on each other when money is tight however, what i dont agree with is that if we cant do something together cos money is an issue during certain months then under no circumstances should either of us be off spending huge amounts on a night out with boys/girls!! I dont tend to do this but he does and it is so annoying but that is done to machoism -although he has been warned and knows when to toe the line, as do I!

Dont know if this was helpful bu this is just how we do it!

 
Old 03-04-2005, 05:24 AM   #20
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

I agree that when a couple lives together they should both contribute to expenses because it involves more of a business arrangement. However, when a man is courting a woman, he should be the one to pay. I used to be put off when my boyfriend would ask me to go to dinner, but expect me to pay half. I wondered if I was wrong in my thinking so I asked my nephews who date, and they said he's cheap, they never expect the woman to pay.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 06:25 AM   #21
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

I think he sounds controlling too. Cheapness sometimes gives the person a feeling of control - especially since the poster stated it's always his way and no compromising.
Yuck. I'd dump him. The cheapness habit won't go away, and if he's really not that great of a guy, why are you wasting your time?
God love my father, but he is the cheapest man I know. He's always been that way, and he will never change. Saved every dime he ever made and retired at 55. Has all the money in the world and doesn't do, or go ANYWHERE. Now he's 74 yrs old and is alone. (my parent's divorced when I was a kid)
I agree that you can't spend what you can't afford, but that doesn't sound like the case here. And going halfsies on everything? That's just too extreme. I am glad my husband wasn't like that before we married. One night he would buy, and maybe the next night I would buy. Maybe I would buy two times in a row and he would buy three. That's just the way it was.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 06:47 AM   #22
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by susieq0726
I am glad my husband wasn't like that before we married. One night he would buy, and maybe the next night I would buy. Maybe I would buy two times in a row and he would buy three. That's just the way it was.
Sounds like a good way to go.

I think the key here is we should stop "believing" or "expecting" that someone should be doing this or that for us, and give them room to do things on there on accord.
It's about whatever makes YOU happy, and if you aren't happy with this, maybe you're barking up the wrong tree.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 09:57 AM   #23
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

I havent read all the other posts yet, but yes, I can see this being an issue if you stay with him. My friend married a guy who was cheap as hell when they were dating (always "forgetting" to bring his checkbook, etc). He does/did the same thing when groups of us would go out. Always come up with some reason he couldnt pay. He even had the nerve to invite some people over for a barbecue and then called and asked if they would bring the food because he "hadnt had a chance to run to the store yet", even though they had planned this days in advance. He didnt pay them back afterward. Um...I seem to have gotten away from the point here.
Anyways, he was cheap and selfish when they were dating and has just gotten worse since theyve been married. Hes done some things that were almost shocking to me (I wont go into details, but theyre so bad theyre almost comical). This is a huge issue for them so I guess my point would be to take a long look at it because I dont see this his behavior changing and could get worse like it did with my friend.
Ive been on the other end of it too and it can be annoying and difficult at times. Ive dated a few women and I payed for absolutely EVERYTHING in the relationship. Im very generous so I dont mind paying and even like it most of the time actually, but it got to the point that I paid for every single thing every time we would go out, or even when we'd just rent movies and stay in. I will say in her defense that she didnt make a lot of money, but to at least make an offer or gesture to reach for the check would have been nice.

Last edited by Muscn; 03-04-2005 at 10:06 AM.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 06:29 PM   #24
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

My boyfriend and I just had a chit-chat conversation on the phone. As he was wrapping up the call he said, "You want to go grab something to eat tomorrow?" He always words it like that and it just bugs me. It would be so much nicer if he'd say something more gentlemanly such as, "I'd like to take you to dinner". He has no finesse.

Anyway, he told me he has a coupon for buy 1/get 1 free at TGI Friday's. That's the only way he would go there, it's too expensive for him. I've never been there so I'm happy to finally go somewhere new, but it would make it seem more exciting if he would have said, "Hey, why don't I take you to TGI Friday's tomorrow" instead of just "You want to grab something to eat?" (not knowing what he had in mind).

I know perhaps this seems nitpicky, but just changing the wording can make a difference in something sounding ho-hum and making something sound fun. He doesn't make things interesting. (See my thread entitled "Relationship is borrring")

 
Old 03-04-2005, 06:41 PM   #25
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

Hey Hanging in There That's just a matter of semantics, trust me. As long as the dude is taking you out and paying for you, he can call it whatever he wants, as far as I'm concerned. You deserve to be treated to dinner, after all these years! Don't look at the phraseology, for god's sakes. If anything, the mention of "coupons" would bother me A LOT more than "let's go grab dinner." Funny how different we all are. To be honest, "grabbing dinner" would not bother me one bit, as long as he takes me to a nice restaurant, treats me to a delicious meal with a bottle of wine, and acts nice throughout the whole thing. Go for it, what do you have to lose! And also, I think I remember you said you only see him once a week. That's just not acceptable, especially after three years. You gotta shake things up if you want to get what you want from this guy. If he works SO much that he can only devote one day a week for you, he'd better take you to the damn Four Season's every weekend!

 
Old 03-04-2005, 07:16 PM   #26
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

A bottle of wine??? You're kidding, right?

We order water to keep the bill down!!

 
Old 03-04-2005, 07:31 PM   #27
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
A bottle of wine??? You're kidding, right?

We order water to keep the bill down!!
WHAT?? No, no, you got it all wrong, woman! That's exactly how I used to be. When I was this cute young 22-year-old, I dated a man 14 years my senior who wouldn't even splurge for lunch. Oh, how completely, utterly, ridiculously naive I was. It was a waste of time from the start. I wasted over four years on that man and all I got in return was nothing.

No, you just order that bottle of wine if you're in the mood for it. Tell him you feel in the mood for wine. These days I don't feel sorry for anyone. If a guy has a job, he can take me out to dinner. If you don't think you could finish a bottle (I certainly could ), then order a glass and refill it later. Heck, what do you have to lose? Already the guy is not giving you sex, his time, vacations together, or anything. YOu really have to shake things up a little if you want to gain anything. The surprising thing I discovered is that men will buy you dinner, wine, and a lot of other things if you act like you're ENTITLED to it. YOu act sweet but entitled, get it? That's how it works . Nice girls and martyrs never get anyting. Remember that.

Also, make sure to smile sweetly and thank him for the wonderful dinner and the excellent wine. Always works like a charm He has to feel appreciated for his efforts, but efforts he must put in the first place. Don't even think for splitting this dinner half way. No, no, and NO! Try to imagine you're this amazing woman every guy would love to go out with and treat to dinner. It really, really helps. In the last couple of years, I haven't spent a dime on dinner. I just act sweet, smile, and admire the guy's taste in expensive restaurants. I thank him profusely at the end of it and that's it. It doesn't even matter if I want to be in a long term relationship with him or not. I figure he should be a gentleman no matter what, and if he's not, I don't want to date him.

Last edited by SophiaM; 03-04-2005 at 07:46 PM.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 07:42 PM   #28
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

They don't serve bottles of wine at the kinds of restaurants he picks (Chinese, Mexican, or a diner with 80-year old people in it).

Even if they did, he would tell me he doesn't have that much money. Like I said, he likes to keep the bill at no more than $20.00...so we use coupons, drink water...

 
Old 03-04-2005, 07:55 PM   #29
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

As I said, you're making a mistake. Suggest a more fancy restaurant. Maybe not the Four Seasons, I admit, but something that is moderately priced to more elegant if you know what I mean. WHo wants to dine at Fridays their whole life??? That's just sad. Pick a nice Italian or French restaurant in your neighborhood. Not ridiculously overpriced but nice. An entre in such a restaurant costs about $15-25. Not too crazy at all. Plus $6 to $8 for an appetizer. Wine is in the range of $20-$60 bucks per bottle. Don't order the most expensive items on the menu, but not the cheapest ones either. Let HIM order the wine. Come on, the man is in his 40s. I don't know what he does for a living but if he's been single for most of his life and has no kids, and has been employed for most of his life, he can definitely afford a nice, romantic dinner once in a while. At least once or twice a month. I disagree with the person who said eating out is a waste of money. I personally couldn't live without eating out. I like to experience different type of quisines, some of which I cannot cook at home, and I am not willing to give up on that. Life is too short, as I said.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 08:00 PM   #30
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Re: being cheap and deciding what to do

I wish it were that easy, but that's not going to happen in our situation. He would simply tell me he couldn't afford to go to such a place and invite me to one of the usual "cheap" ones.

He has been married. Supposedly, his wife left him with a lot of debt. However, I still suspect he would be very frugal. (He even told me he saved his communion money for 20 years!)

BTW, I enjoy talking with you. I'm going to watch Three's Company now. If you reply, I'll read it later.

 
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