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twotulips 03-03-2005 01:14 PM

being cheap and deciding what to do
 
My boyfriend of two years is so very cheap.He always talks about how everything has to be 100% equal.If he buys me dinner,I owe him half.He doesnt like to do small fun things everyday because they are a "waste of money" My sisters and their boyfriends are good to each other with money.My sisters boyfriend takes her places and buys her clothes and things like that.Its not that Im materialistic because Im not but its getting me down thinking that my boyfriend has bought me only two pieces of jewellery in the last two years.hes bought other little things and he wasnt cheap at first but he is now.I asked him to buy me a juice one day and I got the death look from him.He wont even compromise on it at all.Its his way all the time.I dont know how I can make him more giving or if he is a lost cause.It just mnakes me sad to think of what my sisters boyfriends do for them compared to what I get from my boyfriend.My other friends boyfriend is taking her to mexico and she lives with him and doesn pay rent.I dont want to be a free loader or anything because I like things to be fairly equal but this is stupid.Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.Any one else been in this situation?

SophiaM 03-03-2005 01:26 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
Well, to be honest, I don't like the sound of it. How old is your bf? Does he have a job? Being cheap is not the greatest personality trait in a man. Yes, I was in that situation. Dated the guy for four years. I was 22 when I met him and he was 36, but still, he would always ask me to split everything in half! He only paid for dinner if it was my birthdays, other times I paid half. No presents either, only a small present for my birthday or christmas and that's it. I wasn't very happy about it, so I understand how you must feel. Mine also only bought me cheap jewellery twice. I don't know..I feel that if a man always insists on this "equal" crap and never wants to go out of his way to make you feel special, it's not good. He doesn't have to spend loads of money either, just show that he's thoughtful and that he thinks about you. How is he otherwise in the relationship? Is he also stingy with other things like affection, attention, compliments, etc?

lisa24 03-03-2005 01:29 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
[QUOTE=twotulips]Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.[/QUOTE]
Wow, so why are you even with him then???

There is nothing you can do to make him more giving. This is just the way he is. If he's happy that way, then he's not going to change. And he shouldn't have to. When this starts causing HIM problems is when he'll decide to change it.

If you are not ok with this, I can only recommend looking elsewhere.

Ninispjc 03-03-2005 01:31 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
[QUOTE=twotulips]My boyfriend of two years is so very cheap.He always talks about how everything has to be 100% equal.If he buys me dinner,I owe him half.He doesnt like to do small fun things everyday because they are a "waste of money" My sisters and their boyfriends are good to each other with money.My sisters boyfriend takes her places and buys her clothes and things like that.Its not that Im materialistic because Im not but its getting me down thinking that my boyfriend has bought me only two pieces of jewellery in the last two years.hes bought other little things and he wasnt cheap at first but he is now.I asked him to buy me a juice one day and I got the death look from him.He wont even compromise on it at all.Its his way all the time.I dont know how I can make him more giving or if he is a lost cause.It just mnakes me sad to think of what my sisters boyfriends do for them compared to what I get from my boyfriend.My other friends boyfriend is taking her to mexico and she lives with him and doesn pay rent.I dont want to be a free loader or anything because I like things to be fairly equal but this is stupid.Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.Any one else been in this situation?[/QUOTE]

I think cheapness is a form of selfishness. Whether it stems from coming from poverty or obsession with having a nestegg for the future, it's still selfish. I dated a guy that I always had to go dutch with, in fact bought him dinner and stuff quiet often, but it was mainly because he was dirt poor. It really bothere him that he couldn't pay my way and buy me dinner and that type of thing. But he did try. He'd save for special occassions and liked treating me to dinner for our anniversary and stuff like that. But this guy refused to eve spring for a juice? I'm wondering what else will he be selfish with in the future? I'm no free loader either, I pay my own bills and never would expect a man to pay my rent (unless I was married to him and couldn't work because I was having his baby or something) or my bills, but what if he makes more than you, as is quite often the case? EVen if he doesn't make more than you, he has the potential to. But my personal feeling is, as long as women still make 78 cents for every dollar a man makes in this country, I won't feel bad about a man treating me to dinner. But any healthy relationship is give and take. He can buy the movie tickets, you buy the popcorn and drinks. What if you're a little short this pay period and payday is still a few days away? He should be willing to buy you a friggin' juice for crying out loud! Wouldn't you do the same for him if he was thirsty and short of cash one day? Does he keep a notepad to keep tally of who pays for what? There's a difference between being thrifty and being so tight that you don't live life or allow anyone else around you to live it, either. It does sound a bit ridiculous. And it sounds like a big ol' honkin' red flag. Be VERY careful about getting serious with this guy. Did you ever see the movie The Joy Luck Club? One of the characters was in a relationship with a man like this. It didn't turn out well.

lisa24 03-03-2005 01:42 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
Boy am I off track here.
I tell ya, though, I'd be happy to pay for whatever, if I could just find a guy that was honest!

Ninispjc 03-03-2005 01:43 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Boy am I off track here.
I tell ya, though, I'd be happy to pay for whatever, if I could just find a guy that was honest![/QUOTE]

I think your advice was right on, lisa!

SophiaM 03-03-2005 01:54 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Boy am I off track here.
I tell ya, though, I'd be happy to pay for whatever, if I could just find a guy that was honest![/QUOTE]

Why do you say you were off track? You were perfectly on track. And also, I don't think you should set your standards that low. Why not a guy who's honest AND enjoys treating you to something once in a while? If a woman is always asked to pay for half of everything, it's not a relationship, it's a business partnership. Who needs that?

lisa24 03-03-2005 02:12 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
Oh man, Sophia, I already have low standards and can't find a good guy. Imagine what would happen if I raised them up a notch. Probably would lose the little hope I have! :D


I don't know tulips, I don't so much mind a cheap guy. Of course I wouldn't break my bank for anyone (no wait-I'm sure you can guess I did for the last guy-but he was the only one).
But seriously going dutch isn't a problem for me.
Guess that's just not where my #1 priority is. But going on what you said in your thread, I don't think cheapness is the real problem here. You don't even like this guy all that much. I better if you found a guy you actually liked, you wouldn't mind this aspect in a person as much.
But I could always be wrong. Just my take on it.

SophiaM 03-03-2005 02:19 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Oh man, Sophia, I already have low standards and can't find a good guy. Imagine what would happen if I raised them up a notch. Probably would lose the little hope I have! :D
[/QUOTE]

Having low standards is exactly what prevents us from finding a good relationship. You don't have to tell me, I've had low standards for most of my life, and look where it got me. You get a cheap guy who won't commit, won't buy you flowers or gifts, and you put up with it and put up with it, and the end result is that you are then left without that guy anyway. Meanwhile, women with high standards get the guy who WILL get them flowers, WILL commit, WILL be honest and faithful, WILL take them out to dinner, etc. That's how it seems to work. If I were 20 years old again, I would only date a guy who treats me like gold. And if I had a daughter, I would also tell her to have high standards. Reasonable (i.e. it's not necessary that a guy buys you a mercedes or proposes after a week of dating), but high.

juicylicious 03-03-2005 05:34 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
is he cheap when it comes to money and generous with other things- ie his time, energy, belongings?

somepeople just dont like to waste money- maybe he is saving up for something big!!!

Hangin in There 03-03-2005 07:33 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
Some people are poor, some are cheap, and some are a combination. I think my boyfriend is a little of both. He takes me to dinner less than 10 times a year (I cook the other weeks) and he never lets me choose the place. It's always the same (cheap) places (whatever we have a coupon for) and then we order water so he can get out the door for $20.00 including tax and tip!
Yes, it gets annoying. :rolleyes:

juicylicious 03-03-2005 07:43 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
i personally think eating out is a huge waste of money...10x a year is almost once a month! why dont you guys make dinner together? that would be romantic and fun....

Hangin in There 03-03-2005 07:57 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
Going out for dinner once a month isn't too often....and I don't even get that....about eight times a year is all. No, we don't cook together because he's always late as it is. If I waited for him, we'd be eating at 7:30.

juicylicious 03-03-2005 08:00 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
oh...
i usually eat around 10..so, i dont think 7:30 is really that horrible.
it seems super early!!

Hangin in There 03-03-2005 08:08 PM

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 
Why don't you eat until 10:00? Aren't you hungry???

7:30 is late because he has to leave my house at 9:00 to go to work. Plus, my son and I are used to eating earlier anyway so 7:30 is late for us.


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