being cheap and deciding what to do
 

My boyfriend of two years is so very cheap.He always talks about how everything has to be 100% equal.If he buys me dinner,I owe him half.He doesnt like to do small fun things everyday because they are a "waste of money" My sisters and their boyfriends are good to each other with money.My sisters boyfriend takes her places and buys her clothes and things like that.Its not that Im materialistic because Im not but its getting me down thinking that my boyfriend has bought me only two pieces of jewellery in the last two years.hes bought other little things and he wasnt cheap at first but he is now.I asked him to buy me a juice one day and I got the death look from him.He wont even compromise on it at all.Its his way all the time.I dont know how I can make him more giving or if he is a lost cause.It just mnakes me sad to think of what my sisters boyfriends do for them compared to what I get from my boyfriend.My other friends boyfriend is taking her to mexico and she lives with him and doesn pay rent.I dont want to be a free loader or anything because I like things to be fairly equal but this is stupid.Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.Any one else been in this situation?

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Well, to be honest, I don't like the sound of it. How old is your bf? Does he have a job? Being cheap is not the greatest personality trait in a man. Yes, I was in that situation. Dated the guy for four years. I was 22 when I met him and he was 36, but still, he would always ask me to split everything in half! He only paid for dinner if it was my birthdays, other times I paid half. No presents either, only a small present for my birthday or christmas and that's it. I wasn't very happy about it, so I understand how you must feel. Mine also only bought me cheap jewellery twice. I don't know..I feel that if a man always insists on this "equal" crap and never wants to go out of his way to make you feel special, it's not good. He doesn't have to spend loads of money either, just show that he's thoughtful and that he thinks about you. How is he otherwise in the relationship? Is he also stingy with other things like affection, attention, compliments, etc?

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

[QUOTE=twotulips]Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.[/QUOTE]
Wow, so why are you even with him then???

There is nothing you can do to make him more giving. This is just the way he is. If he's happy that way, then he's not going to change. And he shouldn't have to. When this starts causing HIM problems is when he'll decide to change it.

If you are not ok with this, I can only recommend looking elsewhere.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

[QUOTE=twotulips]My boyfriend of two years is so very cheap.He always talks about how everything has to be 100% equal.If he buys me dinner,I owe him half.He doesnt like to do small fun things everyday because they are a "waste of money" My sisters and their boyfriends are good to each other with money.My sisters boyfriend takes her places and buys her clothes and things like that.Its not that Im materialistic because Im not but its getting me down thinking that my boyfriend has bought me only two pieces of jewellery in the last two years.hes bought other little things and he wasnt cheap at first but he is now.I asked him to buy me a juice one day and I got the death look from him.He wont even compromise on it at all.Its his way all the time.I dont know how I can make him more giving or if he is a lost cause.It just mnakes me sad to think of what my sisters boyfriends do for them compared to what I get from my boyfriend.My other friends boyfriend is taking her to mexico and she lives with him and doesn pay rent.I dont want to be a free loader or anything because I like things to be fairly equal but this is stupid.Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.Any one else been in this situation?[/QUOTE]

I think cheapness is a form of selfishness. Whether it stems from coming from poverty or obsession with having a nestegg for the future, it's still selfish. I dated a guy that I always had to go dutch with, in fact bought him dinner and stuff quiet often, but it was mainly because he was dirt poor. It really bothere him that he couldn't pay my way and buy me dinner and that type of thing. But he did try. He'd save for special occassions and liked treating me to dinner for our anniversary and stuff like that. But this guy refused to eve spring for a juice? I'm wondering what else will he be selfish with in the future? I'm no free loader either, I pay my own bills and never would expect a man to pay my rent (unless I was married to him and couldn't work because I was having his baby or something) or my bills, but what if he makes more than you, as is quite often the case? EVen if he doesn't make more than you, he has the potential to. But my personal feeling is, as long as women still make 78 cents for every dollar a man makes in this country, I won't feel bad about a man treating me to dinner. But any healthy relationship is give and take. He can buy the movie tickets, you buy the popcorn and drinks. What if you're a little short this pay period and payday is still a few days away? He should be willing to buy you a friggin' juice for crying out loud! Wouldn't you do the same for him if he was thirsty and short of cash one day? Does he keep a notepad to keep tally of who pays for what? There's a difference between being thrifty and being so tight that you don't live life or allow anyone else around you to live it, either. It does sound a bit ridiculous. And it sounds like a big ol' honkin' red flag. Be VERY careful about getting serious with this guy. Did you ever see the movie The Joy Luck Club? One of the characters was in a relationship with a man like this. It didn't turn out well.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Boy am I off track here.
I tell ya, though, I'd be happy to pay for whatever, if I could just find a guy that was honest!

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

[QUOTE=lisa24]Boy am I off track here.
I tell ya, though, I'd be happy to pay for whatever, if I could just find a guy that was honest![/QUOTE]

I think your advice was right on, lisa!

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

[QUOTE=lisa24]Boy am I off track here.
I tell ya, though, I'd be happy to pay for whatever, if I could just find a guy that was honest![/QUOTE]

Why do you say you were off track? You were perfectly on track. And also, I don't think you should set your standards that low. Why not a guy who's honest AND enjoys treating you to something once in a while? If a woman is always asked to pay for half of everything, it's not a relationship, it's a business partnership. Who needs that?

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Oh man, Sophia, I already have low standards and can't find a good guy. Imagine what would happen if I raised them up a notch. Probably would lose the little hope I have! :D


I don't know tulips, I don't so much mind a cheap guy. Of course I wouldn't break my bank for anyone (no wait-I'm sure you can guess I did for the last guy-but he was the only one).
But seriously going dutch isn't a problem for me.
Guess that's just not where my #1 priority is. But going on what you said in your thread, I don't think cheapness is the real problem here. You don't even like this guy all that much. I better if you found a guy you actually liked, you wouldn't mind this aspect in a person as much.
But I could always be wrong. Just my take on it.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

[QUOTE=lisa24]Oh man, Sophia, I already have low standards and can't find a good guy. Imagine what would happen if I raised them up a notch. Probably would lose the little hope I have! :D
[/QUOTE]

Having low standards is exactly what prevents us from finding a good relationship. You don't have to tell me, I've had low standards for most of my life, and look where it got me. You get a cheap guy who won't commit, won't buy you flowers or gifts, and you put up with it and put up with it, and the end result is that you are then left without that guy anyway. Meanwhile, women with high standards get the guy who WILL get them flowers, WILL commit, WILL be honest and faithful, WILL take them out to dinner, etc. That's how it seems to work. If I were 20 years old again, I would only date a guy who treats me like gold. And if I had a daughter, I would also tell her to have high standards. Reasonable (i.e. it's not necessary that a guy buys you a mercedes or proposes after a week of dating), but high.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

is he cheap when it comes to money and generous with other things- ie his time, energy, belongings?

somepeople just dont like to waste money- maybe he is saving up for something big!!!

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Some people are poor, some are cheap, and some are a combination. I think my boyfriend is a little of both. He takes me to dinner less than 10 times a year (I cook the other weeks) and he never lets me choose the place. It's always the same (cheap) places (whatever we have a coupon for) and then we order water so he can get out the door for $20.00 including tax and tip!
Yes, it gets annoying. :rolleyes:

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

i personally think eating out is a huge waste of money...10x a year is almost once a month! why dont you guys make dinner together? that would be romantic and fun....

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Going out for dinner once a month isn't too often....and I don't even get that....about eight times a year is all. No, we don't cook together because he's always late as it is. If I waited for him, we'd be eating at 7:30.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

oh...
i usually eat around 10..so, i dont think 7:30 is really that horrible.
it seems super early!!

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Why don't you eat until 10:00? Aren't you hungry???

7:30 is late because he has to leave my house at 9:00 to go to work. Plus, my son and I are used to eating earlier anyway so 7:30 is late for us.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

[QUOTE=twotulips]My boyfriend of two years is so very cheap.He always talks about how everything has to be 100% equal.If he buys me dinner,I owe him half.He doesnt like to do small fun things everyday because they are a "waste of money" My sisters and their boyfriends are good to each other with money.My sisters boyfriend takes her places and buys her clothes and things like that.Its not that Im materialistic because Im not but its getting me down thinking that my boyfriend has bought me only two pieces of jewellery in the last two years.hes bought other little things and he wasnt cheap at first but he is now.I asked him to buy me a juice one day and I got the death look from him.He wont even compromise on it at all.Its his way all the time.I dont know how I can make him more giving or if he is a lost cause.It just mnakes me sad to think of what my sisters boyfriends do for them compared to what I get from my boyfriend.My other friends boyfriend is taking her to mexico and she lives with him and doesn pay rent.I dont want to be a free loader or anything because I like things to be fairly equal but this is stupid.Hes not even that great of a guy so I dont see why Im compromising so much with this.Any one else been in this situation?[/QUOTE]That would drive me nuts. And he's not even that great of a guy? I say find someone else. You said it's his way all the time....Oh my I wouldnt be able to handle that. :rolleyes:

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

yes, i am totally hungry by 10 pm, but i like to wait b/c everything tastes better.

my bf (sadly debatable) can be annoyingly cheap too with little things but he splurges on big things, and he is very generous with his time, energy, etc...

i think it is totally acceptable to want someone to spend money on you, and if that is what you need, then what he is doing is not necessarily bad, but it is not fufilling your needs. how long have you been together? sometimes men are cautious in the beginning....

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

We've been together three years. The first six months we were going out to eat about twice a month, but he wanted me to pay my share. My family said a boyfriend doesn't do that so I finally told him I think it's time he bought me dinner. That's also about the time the relationship started getting more "serious" (or so I thought). Now that he's paying (and I foolishly started cooking every week), we hardly ever go out.

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

Hi! My take on this........

My BF and I used to go out all the time, dinner, drinls, cinema etc etc and then we moved intotogether and we cant afford to all of those things all of the time. However, despite my BF earning more then DOUBLE what i earn at the moment (am training in my chosen profession at the moment so my earning potential will treble once qualified) I still pay half of my monthly pay to our bills, rent etc......and he pays for everything else to do with our home.....this is a definate struggle for me cos am not exactly left with huge amounts to spend on me or do things but he compensates for that and if we got out to a party etc he tends to pay most of the time and likewise if we go to cinema or something one buys tickets the other popcorn if we can both afford it at that time if not either he pays or i pay..

the bottom line is this, in a relationship, particularly if living together it is importnant that you can rely on each other when money is tight however, what i dont agree with is that if we cant do something together cos money is an issue during certain months then under no circumstances should either of us be off spending huge amounts on a night out with boys/girls!! I dont tend to do this but he does and it is so annoying but that is done to machoism -although he has been warned and knows when to toe the line, as do I!

Dont know if this was helpful bu this is just how we do it!

Re: being cheap and deciding what to do
 

I agree that when a couple lives together they should both contribute to expenses because it involves more of a business arrangement. However, when a man is courting a woman, he should be the one to pay. I used to be put off when my boyfriend would ask me to go to dinner, but expect me to pay half. I wondered if I was wrong in my thinking so I asked my nephews who date, and they said he's cheap, they never expect the woman to pay.