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Old 03-05-2005, 07:37 AM   #1
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mz_l HB User
Unhappy is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

my boyfriend & i were at a club with me & my friends, during the night he saw his friends and left me to go spend some time with them leaving me with mine. Anyways, one of my friends, friend came up to us, introduced himself & started to talk to me. I made it VERY CLEAR to him that I had a bf. I did not flirt or give him any extra friendly attention i was simply being nice.

I got bored after a while & dragged my friends to the dance floor. I picked a spot near my bf so we could keep an eye on each other. Out of no where that friend of a friend i just met came up to me and tried giving me a rose. I asked him why it was for me, said why when i have a bf, i also denied it & rejected it ALOT of times but he kept on bothering me so finally i accepted so he'd leave me alone. I avoided him after that & all my friends just laughed and thought it was funny. I did too.

My bf and his friends saw the whole thing, he then dragged me off the dance floor & went off at me saying things like you must've provoked him.. a guy wouldnt try to hit on a girl especially when te bfs around.. stuff like that & walked off. He hasnt spoken to me since & sadly he broke up with me. He's been avoiding me for a while now & we've been together for almost 3-4 years.

I think its stupid & that its not my fault coz it meant nothing to me & i didnt want it & i also didnt ask for it. He thinks its my fault coz i accepted and i mustve done something flirty or whatever to make that guy hit on me keep in mind that the guy was drunk, he also thinks i love the attention when i dont.

im really upset that he broke up with me over it over something small & stupid.

Whats your opinion guys, please.. this is killing me!

 
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Old 03-05-2005, 09:01 AM   #2
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tictac HB User
Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

I agree this wasn't anything big enough to break up over. And no, I don't think it's your fault. Were things going ok before this incident? I can't help but think maybe he was looking for an excuse to break up. If not, he sounds extremely insecure and jealous. I could see getting annoyed by it, but not breaking up. He is being unreasonable.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 09:39 AM   #3
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

I agree with tictac, it kinda sounds like he eas looking for an excuse. To break up over something so stupid, thats crazy. Then again how long have you been with him? Think about it would you want to go your whole life thinking "is he going to be mad" "am I going ot get in trouble" thats no way to live life and that is no way to go out to a club and have a good time. Me and my boyfriend go out to clubs . . our rule . . . . we're going home together. LOL really go dance with who you want havea good time, no numbers and we leave together. Its just dancing. So there are secure guys out there. I dont mean to pick on you man, but he should trust you and he should believe you. I hope you remember hpow you are feeling right now when he does call you, and he will call you.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 11:33 AM   #4
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

I have to agree, I think he was probably wanting to break up with you and just used this as a perfect excuse. Either that or he just doesn't know much at all about human nature. I was never hit on more than when I had a boyfriend. Some guys love to hit on women who are obviously with someone. They think it's a challenge. I never did anything to encourage any of these guys who hit on me. My brother also used to date a really pretty blond girl and she would be at a club or something, holding hands with my brother and once she was even sitting on his lap and some guy came up and asked her to dance and flirted with her. She was standing there holding hands with my brother once and this guy came up and flirted with her and started playing with her hair. Especially when a woman is really pretty, there are men who love to hit on her right in front of her man. It's a testosterone thing. Shame on your boyfriend for not understanding this, and double shame on him for not trusting you. He's either very insecure, or was lying to you and just used this incident to break up with you because he had been planning to do so all along. Either way, I think the best thing you can do is just move on with your life and if he comes back to you, he'd better be begging your forgiveness and ready to trust you more. If he doesn't come back, good riddence.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 12:05 PM   #5
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

I agree with the previous posters in the fact that he broke up with you over something like that. Now another point of view( one many men will have about the situation,especially the youger ones).
Youy stated that the drunk guy gave you the rose because he thought you liked the attention. Did that opinion come from you actions or from one of your "friends"? Why would your friends think it was funny? Why didn"t your friend who actually knew the drunk guy step in the situation? Why didn"t you go over to your boyfriend who was with his friends?
I once started a thread on being nice. In any relationship, sometimes you have to not be nice. In the end, noone can make you accept anything from anyone( i would have accepted the rose then gave it to your friend who knew him). Now that would have left a message.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

Clearly there is a lot more to this story -- and I'll tentatively agree that the guy probably wanted to break up and this incident provided a good opportunity to follow through.

HOWEVER...

The gal handled the situation poorly.

She let the guy keep on pressuring her. She showed no backbone. She ultimately accepted the rose he offered.

There is no excuse for this behavior.

I realize the trend on these boards is to sympathize with the ladies -- but I call them as I see them.

The gal should have had the courage to NOT accept that rose under any circumstance.

After her initial statement to the guy about having a boyfriend was rejected by the new suitor, she should have said to him: "No, really... I DO have a boyfriend! In fact, I'm going over there to see him RIGHT NOW. Want to come along and MEET HIM?"

THAT would get rid of the guy INSTANTLY.

And the FACT is that this girl KNOWS THIS. She KNOWS SHE COULD HAVE DONE THIS.

But she wanted the attention. It was cute, it was flirty, it was harmless on the surface -- but it was utterly a BAD decision.

She could have also accept the rose and dropped it on the floor in front of the guy, removing it from his hand and taking CONTROL of the situation and then ENDING the situation by depositing the flower onto the dancefloor.

She didn't do THAT, either.

Flirting of ANY sort while out in public with your partner to whom you are committed is NOT acceptable behavior.

It is up to YOU to put an IMMEDIATE end to it.

The gal was correct to try tactful measures FIRST. But when these fail, it is time to take more drastic action -- the least offensive of which is to simply REJOIN your partner!

The gal is responsible for THIS INCIDENT.

Her boyfriend was looking for an excuse and she gave him one. That leads me to believe that he KNEW she'd give him an excuse sooner or later -- so it is likely that she exhibits this kind of behavior often.

The fact that this post -- the very title -- is seeking to place BLAME is troublesome.

There's lots of issues in this relationship that need to be addressed. This is just one silly incident -- but since the poster wants to find out who was "wrong" -- SHE was.

Now if she wants to fix her relationship, she needs to apologize FIRST and get together with the guy and talk it out -- if he'll have her.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 01:08 PM   #7
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

Scruffy Guy - I think your take makes some assumptions that may or may not apply. Threatening to introduce the new suitor to her beau may have discouraged him, but most likely not. As I said, my brother's girlfriend was sitting IN HIS LAP when men would hit on her. She's say no, then they'd ask my brother "c'mon, let her dance!" THAT then put my brother in the position of having to play protector and possibly getting into a fist fight. He almost got into fist fights on several occassions because of men insisting on hitting on his woman. Lucky for him, he's very big, body builder, which is probably the only reason these guys didn't take it to a physical level.

As far as throwing the rose on the ground at his feet, this is kind of a bi***y thing to do, even if the guy is really annoying. I simply couldn't bring myself to do this, no matter how badly I wanted to get rid of the guy, not because I was liking the attention, but because I'm not a bi***.

I still would be very very distrustful of a guy who would break up with me over something like this. Be a little ticked, maybe. Maybe even mad for a few days. But to BREAK UP? Nah, something else is most definitely at work here.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 05:54 PM   #8
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mz_l HB User
Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tictac
I agree this wasn't anything big enough to break up over. And no, I don't think it's your fault. Were things going ok before this incident?
we've been having petty arguments & stuff, nothing major... our relationship has had many ups & downs just like any other couple but we've always overcame them, other then that we were like any other normal happy couple.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 06:40 PM   #9
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

Quote:
Originally Posted by realguy
Youy stated that the drunk guy gave you the rose because he thought you liked the attention.
NO, i said that my BOYFRIEND thought i liked the attention of that drunk guy (which is utterly ridiculous) giving me the rose thats why i accepted it.

Quote:
Did that opinion come from you actions or from one of your "friends"?
Like i said it was my boyfriends opinion.

Quote:
Why would your friends think it was funny?
Because it was. That friend of a friend is a very annoying attention seeking type of guy as described by my friend, who was DRUNK. We found the situation humerous because he was acting like a complete fool, kept on persisting no matter how many times he was trying, he was ambarrassing himself.. and so on & so on...

Quote:
Why didn"t your friend who actually knew the drunk guy step in the situation?
Because they know i can handle myself & i didnt need their help in a very harmless stupid situation.

Quote:
Why didn"t you go over to your boyfriend who was with his friends?
Because I didnt want to bring trouble over to my boyfriend, i didnt NEED to cause a scene like that. If i thought the guy was any kind of THREAT I would have gone to my boyfriend but he wasnt. HE WAS VERY HARMLESS. Also my boyfriend was with 2 of his friends that dislike me & tell my boyfriend things to try to end our relationship. They were watching me the whole night making assumptions to my boyfriend & i didnt want to go to him & them, knowing all this.

Quote:
I once started a thread on being nice. In any relationship, sometimes you have to not be nice. In the end, noone can make you accept anything from anyone( i would have accepted the rose then gave it to your friend who knew him). Now that would have left a message
I know that you dont have to be nice, and in certain situations i am a complete B*tch! But i didnt think i needed to be one this time because A) like i said he was VERY HARMLESS. B) He was a friend of a friend & was nice to me, NOT BEING RUDE AT ALL, so even if i have a bf i thought i should be nice back. He WASN'T hitting on me & since he knew i had a bf i definitely thought that he was just making conversation. I WAS NOT BEING TOO NICE. I dont have to be bitchy to every new person i meet just because i have a bf. C) He wasnt any kind of a threat... i accepted it to get him off my case & not cause a scene & after that i just didnt pay attention to him & dumped the rose coz i realised he was the type of guy who took 'being nice' from the opposite sex the wrong way.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 06:49 PM   #10
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

Everyone here has different opinions. I know i was wrong in accepting the rose but i HONESTLY thought it was not a big deal & i think he is OVER REACTING.

I guess im not looking for blame here, but what you all thought about this situation. I just need peace of mind.

Last edited by mz_l; 03-06-2005 at 04:49 AM.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 07:30 PM   #11
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

Why he dumped you? Only your ex can answer that. Maybe the issue was funny to you but your ex thought otherwise.
My post was made to give you insight on how many males think. I still don"t think you get it.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 09:05 PM   #12
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mz_l HB User
Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

i know.. i know.. i know all this & i do get it. I just hate the current situation im in.

 
Old 03-05-2005, 09:52 PM   #13
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

mz,

i dont think this was your fault at all.

will he talk to you at all?

try to talk to him about how you feel. if not, then write him a letter with your feelings down, very clearly. explain the situtaion from your perspective. maybe he just needs to see it a different way.

i don't know the person, but, sometimes events can happen in a relationship that can be very threatening for the other person. maybe he thought you might be capable of cheating on him? or maybe he saw you as beyond him ......maybe it threatened his manhood somehow? i don't know. thats a long time to be with someone and then just walk away over something that was never really worked out. have u always had a hard time working out problems?

 
Old 03-05-2005, 09:57 PM   #14
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

scruffy guy, what about your own husband watching women with his male coworkers, really checking them out. and in his head he says "Thats a nice body" even telling his buddies that she has a nice (any body part)

duh! men are visual, but geez come on. isn't that WOrse than flirting? and your married for God's sake!

how about the fact that i'm walking up there everyday and these guys are making fun of me because they got a secret about my spouse? i'm very sweet and sensitive person. this hurt very much

 
Old 03-05-2005, 11:11 PM   #15
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Re: is it my fault or his? OPINIONS PLEASE!

May I ask how you would have responded if the situations were reversed?

YOU may see it as harmless, but he saw something else. He may not know the whole story, or he may not want to know. What he saw was enough. Right or wrong, that's his decision... as it was yours to accept the rose or not.

There is no blame here. You see it from a certain point of view, he sees it from another. Just because he doesn't agree, doesn't mean your view is right. He may be insecure or whatever, which then, in that case, it is probably better that you are apart.

If he really loved you, he would try to listen and understand your point of view. In his mind though, there are obviously no excuses and it was a deal breaker. You may not like it, but that is his right.
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