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Old 03-09-2005, 08:29 PM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2
VivP HB User
This is silly, but just want to hear what u guys think


I've never posted in a chat before, but I really feel like asking what people think - and not someone I know.

This is kind of similar to a recent post about is it my fault or his.

I've never been in a relationship before, this is my first one, so I'm not sure if I'm doing things wrong. I've recently started dating this guy. We're both in our early 20's. We're actually overseas on student exchange and we're both from the same university and country and funnily enough meet here. He's a really decent and mature guy and we like each other a lot. Thing is, I'm making him uncomfortable with my behaviour with other guys. He seems to think I hang out with other guys too much, which I guess I do, but it's always totally innocent. I don't think I'm being a flirt. He makes me feel bad.

Examples: we live in the same residence hall. every time he comes into my room, there seems to be like 3 other guys in here. just coz my floor is more happening. the other time, i was having dinner with my guy neighbour and the candle was lit and we had red wine. i admit that was quite weird, but it was normal for here. then this other guy wanted to tell me his girl problems, so he closed the door, he and a bunch of other guys saw and were wondering what's happening. and then tonight i was at a bar with him and all these other ppl, we didn't get a chance to talk - he was talking to another girl for a fair while (yes i was getting jealous) and i was talking innocently to this other random guy, then these other random guys asked me to play foozball. by 4am our friends left an hour ago and we got kicked out and he mentioned how he should have gone home himself earlier and how i'd be in a bar full of guys.

i've confronted him before and said it's innocent, explained the situation and it's silly.

now i feel bad, should i? and what do i do? we're both on exchange, here to have fun and meet new people all the time. i guess i can see his point of view, but he knows how much i like him. do i really have to keep restricting myself with who i talk to - can't i just be myself with other guys?

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Old 03-09-2005, 09:09 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Snails HB UserSnails HB User
Re: This is silly, but just want to hear what u guys think

Don't feel bad about your doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. However, that doesn't mean your BF's feelings are any less real and true for him, and if you really care about him, you should respect his perspective. I agree with you that you should take advantage of this time to meet lots of different people, but if you want to make things work with your BF, you may have to make a choice between doing whatever you want with other guys and respecting him enough to cut down on behavior that makes him uncomfortable. I think it all depends on how much you want to pursue a long-term relationship with the guy you have met. You guys have a big advantage over most couples that meet while overseas, which is that you won't have to deal with a long distance relationship when you return home. However, sometimes relationships that start while both people are away from home and in unfamiliar situations don't successfully withstand the transition back to "real life" at home. Only you can evaluate your feelings and figure out how best to proceed...all I can suggest is that if you think you might have a chance at a happy, long-term relationship with your BF, it wouldn't hurt to avoid romantic-type situations in which you are alone with another guy. You can still socialize and be friendly with guys without doing it in private, one-on-one surroundings. Personally, I don't think he's being unreasonable, nor do I think you'd be surrendering anything all that important by avoiding situations in which people could get the wrong idea about you and another guy. But only you can decide if you're willing to make that sacrifice for your guy...the tough thing about relationships is the need to compromise when your partner expresses a concern, even if it seems silly or insignificant to you. To him, it's clearly an important and distressing issue, and if you care about him, I'd advise asking him how you could alleviate his fears and then take whatever actions he suggests. Good luck, and regardless, I hope you enjoy your time abroad! Take care and have fun .

Old 03-10-2005, 03:28 AM   #3
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realguy HB User
Re: This is silly, but just want to hear what u guys think

Well said Snails.

Old 03-10-2005, 03:45 AM   #4
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2
VivP HB User
Re: This is silly, but just want to hear what u guys think

Thanks very much for the reply Snails - it's good to hear it from someone else. I do agree with what you said, it makes a lot of sense, and yes I can see this becoming a long-term thing, and we're both really into each other. It's true, I'm not compromising much at all by being more careful and sensitive to his feelings - he surely doesn't hang out with girls like I do with guys, and if he did I would definitely be jealous. Hmm... I guess there are just some things you need to do when you're in a relationship......

And yes, what you mentioned about bringing the relationship back to our country in a few months time. I have been thinking about that too, not concerned about it yet, but wow so many things are going to be different when we get back home - people, our friends, environment, working, uni, way less time to spend with each other and not seeing each other every single day (most likely)!! Hmm.. which is another concern I have - that he lives directly upstairs from me in this hall of 48 exchange students, and we see each other so much, and we have the same common group of friends - he's had bad experiences before with dating someone he lived with in a shared apartment - I try to restrict how much I see him - because it can be excessive for this early on in the relationship.

Oh anyway, maybe I'm just being a worry-wart, constantly trying to find where something might go wrong - obviously so that I can try to stop it from happening. But I guess I'll just see how it goes over time.

Old 03-10-2005, 06:31 PM   #5
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realguy HB User
Re: This is silly, but just want to hear what u guys think

Leave the candlelight dinners with the wine for the special person in your life. Set the boundaries of your relationship. There is a big difference between a friend and a boyfriend. Show everyone in your hall that you think this and make them respect that fact.

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