Last chance? - Relationship Health Message Board

Lin35 · 03-17-2005, 04:25 AM

Hello everyone. I'm new on these boards and want some help keeping some perspective. I'm a 35 year old woman with no children and have been seeing my current partner for 4 years. We have had a good time together for the most part and he has received the full benefit of me having a good job, giving him the chance to emigrate (a dream we had and were working to) and me being utterly honest with him at all times. I, however, have had to put up with him not putting in any effort and getting into trouble at work, going out with his colleagues on a regular basis and not coming home until 4am with no contact with me and sometimes staying out all night. I know he hasn't cheated on me but recently has had an intense emotional affair with a friend from work while hiding it from me so as not to 'hurt' me. He has done this once before and I clearly told him I valued honesty above all else as that was the only way for us to trust each other (we both were in relationships when we first started altho mine was finishing).

But, he's done it again and I found out about it from his phone bill. The intensity of the relationship was clear from the number of texts and phone calls but he says it was one way and that he was helping her through a hard time. I had suspected something was going on and had asked him about it but he denied there was any change in his life. Ultimately I feel betrayed and hurt by the fact that he was doing something out of line that he knew would hurt me and did it anyway. I have thrown him out and we are in the process of splitting up. My instinct tells me it is the right thing to do but he keeps telling me he's learned his lesson and that he will never do this again. He promised me that before and I'm not sure I even love him anymore.

Anyway, the reason for my posting is this. I am being plagued by those terrible doubts about breaking up that are about not wanting to give up a planned future. I am 35 and worried that I won't find anyone else that loves me as much as he does and that life choices such as having a baby will be lost. I know intellectually that this may not be the case but in my heart, I'm afraid.

Any advice?

solcita · 03-17-2005, 04:41 AM

If you're not even sure that you love him anymore, then don't fall into the "what-ifs"
The fact that this is not the first time this happens, and also the staying out all night without telling you, are red flags to me... How old is he? Is he also your age? Because if he is, maybe he should mature.
A relationship is not only sleeping-over someone's house... and it seems he's not giving the best of him into it...

I hope everything gets better...
S.

Ruth6:11 · 03-17-2005, 06:36 AM

The timing isn't too far off here if you're looking for encouragement.

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (I'd known him for 5) dumped me for an ex-girlfriend.
I was 34 yrs old.
6 months later I met the man that I married 10 months later at age 35.
No kids by choice for us, but my now 35 yr old niece-in-law just gave birth to twins - so I suspect that you may not necessarily have issues there either.

It would seem to me to be a terribly lonely way to live - knowing the man you're with isn't really respecting your relationship.

genster · 03-17-2005, 07:06 AM

Just a thought, but if you don't like who you are beocming when you are with this person, then are you sure you want to be there? Better to be in a relationship that brings out the best in you, isn't it?

Lin35 · 03-17-2005, 08:31 AM

You are all absolutely right. Thanks for that. It's only been a few days and I was having that wobble you get when it sinks in that the decision you are making will affect your whole future. It is true that I don't want to be in a relationship that brings out the worst in me although it has also in some ways brought out the best. I am lucky though. If I were younger I would probably be struggling more with the rest of my life but I have a great job, good potential opportunities career wise and have some very very good friends who are gathering round to support me. I will just have to hang onto that and trust that once I get through this, someone else will come along or I will be a happier person generally as I am on my own with only me to worry about for awhile.

It is actually already starting to feel good in that the constant anxiety I had with him has faded and although grief is setting in, I have dealt with that before after ending a 7 year relationship a few years ago. I know that I can get through it. And, what I am finding today is that I have so much more wardrobe space without him! What more could a girl want?

Thanks.