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Old 03-19-2005, 03:46 PM   #1
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Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Hello-

Well I had something happen last night, my b/f called me and told me he was going to do something I dont approve of. Meaning he was going to smoke pot with a couple co-workers. He knows I dont really approve of this. He use to smoke pot before he met me. And when we met he had already "quit" Well since we've been going (one and half years) he has smoked twice now counting last night.

I got upset and just wanted him to tell me he wasnt going to do it. The first time he did he called me at 9am to tell me because he felt so bad about doing it.

He told me last night would be the last time he does it. And I told him "we'll see" I want to trust that he wont, but he is easily persuaded (sp) by his friends. Like he tells me "well i talked to them before i talked to you" What does that have to do with anything. I told him "you know how i feel about you doing pot, you shouldnt call me to see what im going to say. On top of this he woke me up at like 3:30am when he got off work to tell me the "good news" And instead i ended up crying back to sleep.

I dont have that big of an issue w/pot but i dont want to get married to a guy that is more interested in smoking pot then not dissapointing me. I told him today "i dont want to marry a pot head" he got offended "im not a pothead, I dont smoke all the time do i? NO" And it's true he doesnt.

Am i over reacting? Should I tell him to get this crap out of his system now or stand strong that I dont like this and he should be getting over it. He's going on 23 im going on 22...thanks!

 
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Old 03-19-2005, 03:58 PM   #2
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

No, I don't think you're overreacting, I think it all depends on your own personal boundaries. For me personally, pot smoking would be a total and non-negotiable deal breaker. But if you don't think it's that big a deal, then maybe that's what he's picking up on. If you don't think pot is that big a deal, then why do you have such a problem with him smoking it? maybe he doesn't get that. But generally speaking, I think it's a bad idea to go into a relationship expecting the other person so drop all their bad habits for you. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, you just have to accept the person for who and what they are. He promised never to do it again, but broke that promise before, i don't know why he wouldn't break it again. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. He obviously doesn't want to stop entirely, and probably thinks you'll get used to it eventually.

 
Old 03-19-2005, 07:02 PM   #3
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

I dont know how to think or deal of this. I do wish sometimes that he wouldnt even think of it. I know its something he use to do. But he's not addicted. It's gotta be easier for him to quit this vs someone who has been smoking for several + years.

I dont want to leave him because he has smoked pot twice out of a year and a half. I've never had the urge to smoke pot? I've never tried. Nothing has made me want to pick it up and try. Nor has he ever offred me? So tha thas to show that he knows how i feel about it.

It just hurts my stomach.

 
Old 03-19-2005, 08:21 PM   #4
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

i personally don't think smoking pot is a bad, he could be doing alot worse things. alot of the people who have a problem with smoking pot have never tried it, and thats just as well, everyone makes their own choice. if he has only done it twice in a year i would say thats really nothing to worry about at all. but it has to be your decission, if it really does bother you, it just does and you cannot help how you feel, if it is going to be a problem then you should talk about it and decide where to go from there, good luck with everything and take care

 
Old 03-19-2005, 09:13 PM   #5
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

thanks jedi. I know of other people who smoke pot and I dont have a problem with it. Heck my parents went through their smoking pot era when they were my age. I think maybe Im worried what people may think of my boyfriend who smokes pot sometimes. I know i was thinking earlier "should i just tell him to get it out of his system now, and just not tell me when he does it"

I know he tells me "at least i was honest about it and told you I was gonna go do it!" I dont understand why it bothers me that HE does it. When I know others that do it.

 
Old 03-19-2005, 09:38 PM   #6
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Your bf is not a pothead. The little he has done is insignificant, really. I am curious as to what it is exactly that bothers you -- is it that pot is "illegal", worry for his health, or that you are concerned about how he may behave while high in your absence, or are you jealous that he might be having a good time with his pals and not you?

When we ask our partners to stop doing something it should be because that action is destroying the relationship in some way, not just because YOU don't like it. You are not his mother! You don't want to marry someone who would go against your word is basically what you are saying, without validation of the reason why. You need to have just cause if you are going to make demands on others, and they are not your children.

What if your bf was to tell you to never have another alcoholic beverage ever, just because he doesn't approve of it. Say you go out with your friends for an evening and they're all having a glass of wine but you have to phone him first to see if it's okay. How would that make you feel?
Would you want to marry THAT?

 
Old 03-19-2005, 09:55 PM   #7
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

wow kitkat you really put that into a good perspective for me. I never thought of it that way.

I think the reason i worry about him smoking it, is because 1. like you mentioned it is illegal. 2. he has a job where they do ramdom unannoucned urine tests and he can lose his job if he gets caught and we are suppose to be saving for a wedding...3. you may be right I am worried he's out having fun doing "that" with his friends. It doesnt really bother me when he goes to the bar to have a few cold ones after work with his friends when he gets out before 2am. He calls and invites me sometimes, other times just calls and says "im gonna go to the bar fora while" and we chit chat till he gets there.

This isnt something I want to become more frequent though. If its only once every few months maybe i can learn to deal. But if it becomes a couple times a month i will be very irritated.

 
Old 03-20-2005, 03:18 AM   #8
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Piranna65
Hello-

Well I had something happen last night, my b/f called me and told me he was going to do something I dont approve of. Meaning he was going to smoke pot with a couple co-workers. He knows I dont really approve of this. He use to smoke pot before he met me. And when we met he had already "quit" Well since we've been going (one and half years) he has smoked twice now counting last night.

I got upset and just wanted him to tell me he wasnt going to do it. The first time he did he called me at 9am to tell me because he felt so bad about doing it.

He told me last night would be the last time he does it. And I told him "we'll see" I want to trust that he wont, but he is easily persuaded (sp) by his friends. Like he tells me "well i talked to them before i talked to you" What does that have to do with anything. I told him "you know how i feel about you doing pot, you shouldnt call me to see what im going to say. On top of this he woke me up at like 3:30am when he got off work to tell me the "good news" And instead i ended up crying back to sleep.

I dont have that big of an issue w/pot but i dont want to get married to a guy that is more interested in smoking pot then not dissapointing me. I told him today "i dont want to marry a pot head" he got offended "im not a pothead, I dont smoke all the time do i? NO" And it's true he doesnt.

Am i over reacting? Should I tell him to get this crap out of his system now or stand strong that I dont like this and he should be getting over it. He's going on 23 im going on 22...thanks!
Yes, you are definitely overreacting in my opinion. You clearly don't know much or have much experience with pot, so it's only natural that it makes you feel left out when your BF smokes. You disapprove of what he's doing, but believe me, pot is not worth crying yourself to sleep or thinking about not marrying him over. I think you're making much too big a deal over this, and I hate to see you risk your relationship over something so minor. I don't mean to sound at all harsh or critical--I used to act the exact same way toward a BF in high school who smoked pot, and I hope you don't make the same mistakes I did. I would give him such a hard time about it and always say things like "I don't want to be with someone who cares about pot more than he cares about me," but looking back I was embarrassingly stubborn, bossy, and naive. I thought that if he respected my wishes and did what I said, it would show that he really loved me and was completely devoted to our relationship. But in reality, I was just making a big deal over the pot smoking because I felt left out, threatened, and jealous that he shared this activity with people other than me. So I made a huge, dramatic big deal over this issue which had absolutely nothing to do with our relationship--it was just something he liked to do every once in awhile. It was ME, my insecurities, and my need to be in control that undermined and threatened our relationship, not a little harmless pot smoking every once in awhile.

Looking back on all this, I have learned my lesson and can see how hopelessly immature and silly I was being. I am not saying this to be mean or anything, just trying to help you see what's going on before you make take the same fruitless, immature path that I took. It sounds to me like you have a really good guy on your hands who tries to do right by you, and in my opinion, you're seriously jeopardizing that by being so rigid and telling him what to do like he's a child. He's being a lot more respectful of your overbearing, melodramatic feelings about the situation (by being upfront and honest about what he's been up to) than most guys would, and I hope you see that his honesty, openness, and devotion are a blessing. In the scheme of things, it's very difficult to find a person to love who will treat you with such consideration and respect--to risk that over something as benign as smoking pot once in awhile is really quite short-sighted. I guarantee that if you sustain this dramatic attitude and don't learn to pick your battles, you will be regretting your actions more than you can imagine if he gets fed up with your demands and moves on to someone who'll appreciate what a good catch he is and not risk losing him over something so silly. I truly hope this doesn't happen, but from many relationships I've observed, I can tell you that his leaving is a very real danger that you face if you keep this up. It's not like he's going out or cheating with another girl, not like he's getting violent or anything--he's just engaging in a relatively harmless social activity every once in awhile.

I guess if not using pot is an extremely important issue to you, then you should stand your ground, but your story reminds me a lot of mine, and looking back I see that I was very naive and immature to make such a big deal out of something that wasn't a threat to our relationship whatsoever. There are much more important issues in a relationship, like honesty, fidelity, respect, communication, etc. I hope you learn from my experience and hesitate before continuing to risk this relationship by telling him what to do and making him feel guilty over something so harmless. Your BF is an adult; he deserves the respect and freedom to make his own decisions without having to bend to your wishes. The sooner you can learn to pick your battles and not risk damaging a good relationship over something that's not really worth it, the more serious, contented and stable relationships you will enjoy. You have gotten lots of good advice here from people with experience with pot--those are the people who really know and understand what they're talking about. Please don't listen to those who blindly accept all the ridiculous government propaganda that demonizes pot and suggests that all pot smokers will become thieves, burnouts, losers, and murderers . Please believe us when we say that pot is not worth risking a good relationship over. Just ask the numerous people here who would do anything to have another shot with a lost love, who feel that they'll never find that kind of love and happiness with someone else, and regret everyday that their relationships ended over relatively minor issues that probably could have been dealt with without risking the entire relationship. If you love this guy, please try to be more accepting and understanding so that he can grow and feel independent within the stabilizing, supportive bonds of your relationship. Good luck!!

 
Old 03-20-2005, 04:29 AM   #9
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Pot is nothing more than a mental addiction. The physical addiction in pot is almost nonexistant. The only thing I would worry about with your boyfriend is getting caught or getting into the car with him while he is high. Now like snails I do believe that the goverment goes a little overboard with pot but than again pot has shown to increase more dangerous behaviour out of people. Just make sure your not around him when he's high because it will impair his judgement to some degree(how much he smoked) just be careful though that pot has been shown to increase the sexual drive so don't be surprised if he wants some from ya! But than again you get an erection worth crap when your high!

 
Old 03-20-2005, 08:28 PM   #10
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Snails, thank you for sharing you story. I have been thinking things over and I do think I over did it. I dont want to lose him because of pot. And if he can keep it limited then i think I can learn to deal with it. I just wouldnt want it to become an all the time thing ya know? I have been thinking I should tell him "go ahead, just dont tell me everytime you do it, and try not to get to hooked"

How did you learn to deal with him smoking pot with others but you? Or did it end before you were able to deal? Did you end up caving in and smoking with him or trying it? or have you? I know I havent, does it seem sillly of me to try it just so i know whether or not im over reacting?

Noliving- I havent been around him since he's been high. I was in a room with his friends while they were all getting high (he sat out because he didnt want me to be the only one not doing it) I told him i'd leave and he could do it that day he went in on buy the stuff. I even told him while we were there "you bought part of it you should get your use out of it" but he didnt smoke any?

Thanks for the responses guys. I just have mixed feelings about the whole pot smoking thing. Im afraid to try it, and dont know if i should. What if he and I smoke it once together and we end up hating each other? That and i dont want the whole munchy thing i hear of...

 
Old 03-21-2005, 05:27 AM   #11
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

i don't think it would be a bad idea to try it with him. but i am definately not a pusher and do not do anything you don't want to do. i know before i ever tried it i beleived all the things society tells you. in fact i was almost like snails had described with one of my boyfriends in highschool, and i only made a huge deal of it becaues i was hugely misinformed, which many people are unfortunately. it couldn't be farther from the truth (most of it) i did a report on it at college once and learned alot too. it certainly doesn't make people do crazy things. drinking is way way way more dangerous in many different ways than smoking pot IMO and ofcourse it is not exactly the same for everyone. there are people who just don't enjoy it. you have to do what you think is right. that is the best choice you can make, because you are the one who lives with it, its good you came to talk about it here, that always helps even if you do not get a solution, you get to hear others point of view and thats worth alot. wish you well lata

 
Old 03-21-2005, 05:33 AM   #12
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

If it is once in a great while when he is just hanging out with the boys I don't see to much harm. Other than it is illegal, which I in no way condone. He calls to ask or let you know, this says a lot for you guys relationship that you are that open with communication. I would still say you do not like it but would not leave him or anything drastic. He sounds like a good guy.

 
Old 03-21-2005, 08:28 AM   #13
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Well, i'm not gonna make this a pot is ok or pot is evil discussion. But, i'd much rather have my gf smoke some pot with her friends than go out for drinks with her friends. I don't think you're bf has a problem with it. If he can control it and do it just once in a while, you probably shouldn't waste your emotional energy on worrying about it. The only time i've seen it become a problem is when people want to smoke it all the time. So they'll sit in there dark little living space, smoke loads of pot, and then they're not motivated to do anything. They just waste away inside, not doing anything productive. But once in a while, no biggie. This is all just my humble opinion, of course.

 
Old 03-21-2005, 10:17 AM   #14
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

Piranna, I was able to give you a different perspective because I AM a pothead myself. Having said that, let me explain myself so that you do not have any misconceptions or preconceived ideas that I am perpetually "dazed and confused", and live my life in a stupor.

There was a very long time when I hated pot, was disgusted to be around my friends when they were high, and told them often how much I did not agree with and disliked their habit. Although they were funny, it used to drive me up a wall when we would get together and they would engage me in deep discussions about life and whatnot, with my belief that they were not absorbing my words anyway. I simply could not understand what they got out of living life by periodically burying their heads in a cloud and so finally tried it myself. All it did was make me sleepy so I never touched it again, and we agreed to disagree on the subject.

Years later I met my current fiance, who happened to be a pot smoker. He made sure to tell me of his habit right off the hop, so that if I had any issues with it then we would know to not get involved. The one and only relationship he had been in before (5 years) ended once his gf found out he had tried smoking pot, and he was devastated. I told him that I had no issues with him smoking it, as long as it did not cause any problems in the relationship. I found out soon enough that it actually helped mend problems that we had because he was very approachable, open and honest while under the influence. I then realized that my friends had always been open and honest also while in that state, and that my anger stemmed from jealousy that they were able to feel in a way that I did not. Of course having my newly found knowledge, I gave it another shot. I now smoke it daily.

I should also add that we cannot stereotype pot smokers anymore. They are not the bumbling fools once believed to be -- they come from ALL walks of life and are simply people who crave PEACE. I can tell you first hand that pot smokers are among the most harmless in society. You will never catch someone high on marijuana robbing a bank or hurting anyone -- malicious thoughts are simply non existent, they are replaced with thoughts of love and understanding (and giddiness of course). In my opinion, if a community were to be created and the inhabitants existed of pot smokers only, there would be VERY little or NO CRIME.

In saying this I am not condoning or suggesting that everyone run out and become a user -- it is after all still illegal and can cause health problems. For me however, the benefits outweigh the risks. I love being able to see things from a different perspective -- while sober I can be very harsh, stubborn, aggressive and argumentative. I am still me while high -- only my negative behaviors disappear. This by far supercedes any legal medications that I have been put on, with no side effects.

In closing, here's a little something to chew on. A very good friend of mine was told by her fiance to stop smoking pot or their relationship was over. She did stop and without argument (for nearly a year) but the relationship ended anyway. Why? Because the problem wasn't her smoking, it was actually HIS controlling behavior that eventually did them in.

Also what about my fiance's old gf who dumped him for trying pot? She now smokes it herself........

 
Old 03-21-2005, 01:48 PM   #15
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Re: Im over it now...but what would you do girls?

This issue here is not about marijuana at all.

The gal knows the guy is not any sort of pothead. He puffs once in a great while with a few friends. She has enough common sense to know this is not addictive behavior, nor is it dangerous.

What she doesn't realize is that she is simply JEALOUS. The guy is doing something WITHOUT her. And he's doing something she does NOT understand, has never tried.

She wants COMPLIANCE from the dude. She doesn't want to be left out. She understands the experience of going to a bar and drinking booze. Understanding that, she has familiarity with it. She knows she doesn't care about it much -- take it or leave it. If he does THAT without her -- it's not threatening. Smoking grass without her IS threatening -- because she is not and has never been involved with it at all.

Just about anything could be substituted for the grass here. She's taking a moral stance only because she thinks she HAS to -- because it gives her the authority to get upset. It also gives her an excuse: "Grass is something that has a bad reputation. I am superior if I act as if it bothers me. At the same time, I really don't care much about it. So why am I uptight?"

She's uptight because she is out of the loop.

This is going to cause problems within the relationship because it isn't about one thing -- it isn't just about smoking pot. Sooner or later something ELSE is going to happen that will leave her out of the loop. And these same feelings will return: "He's such a good guy but he makes me so mad..."

Give and take are paramount for any relationship to work. Being in a relationship does not mean one person has control over another. There must be compromise. To that end, HE should have to compromise, too. If smoking grass was something the gal could NEVER, EVER tolerate -- then the guy would have to make a choice: the grass or the girl. But she's made it clear to him and to us that this is not the case -- she isn't that upset about the grass, he only does a couple times a year, if that. She can STILL make the request of him to never do it again, but ONLY if she truly believes this is a REASONABLE request. And in all fairness, if she were to do this and he agreed to that request, then she need not be surprised if at some point he tells HER that there is something she does that he would like her to give up. And she should be willing to give it up at his request.

But this won't work if two people play it off as "tit for tat." If it is a game of oneupmanship, then it simply becomes vindictive and childish: "I'm going to deny YOU something because you've denied me." COMPROMISE involves requests that make logical sense and which provide for a mutually satisfying solution wherein everyone wins.

This is about self-esteem and jealousy, not marijuana. It is often easier to feel sorry for ourselves and deem ourselves the injured party than to accept that someone else's behavior is not actually harmful to us. Sometimes we search for reasons to feel slighted and in doing so, once we've established that we are RIGHT and "they" are WRONG -- then we get some sort of personal sense of righteousness that feeds into our egos.

This is pretty normal -- and not as destructive as it sounds, provided we take a moment to think things through and understand the basis for our feelings and actions. This gal already has a very good idea of WHY she feels the way she does. Her post is full of conflicting emotions on the subject -- which means she is THINKING it through. That's very good indeed.

There is no shame in attempting to be in control, of being jealous of something we don't understand, or of wanting to be the primary object of someone else's attention. These are all normal human desires and emotions. Taken to extremes, we can easily delude ourselves if we ignore the facts. But experienced for what they ARE -- there is little cause for concern; it's just LIFE.

The guy deserves a break here. The gal should NOT have to try smoking grass if she doesn't want to. As long as the guy's behavior does not escalate and his use of grass a few times a year does not get in the way of an otherwise healthy relationship, there is no reason to make an issue out of this.

If one partner believes he or she is morally superior to the other -- that relationship is over before it starts.

Case in point: I do not drink. I have had drinks before, but I simply decided I didn't feel like drinking anymore almost four years ago. I never had a drinking problem, I am not an alcoholic. I just never really LIKED booze. I drank because other people around me drank and it was a social thing. Consequently, I have no problem with folks who still enjoy drinking -- they are certainly allowed to do that if they want. I DO have a problem with people who drive drunk or are alcoholics. I would NOT want to be involved with that kind of behavior. But I do not pretend or believe I am morally superior to anyone who drinks. I made a choice for MYSELF. This does not give me the right to flaunt that choice in front of others as something that makes me "better" than them. The truth is -- it does NOT.

Give up the struggle for dominance. Accept that you cannot control someone else's actions or behavior. You have to live by setting an example and live your life according to how YOU are most comfortable. And most importantly -- no two people are exactly alike. We cannot expect anyone to behave as we do all the time. We accept differences and often it is even a good idea to celebrate those differences. It is only when differences are so severe that they become destructive to a relationship that we need to step back and take more careful stock of whatever it is by which we are troubled.

This response is the same for almost all the minor stuff that invades relationships: porn, sports, friends, family -- if we could only see things more objectively we wouldn't let this stuff get to us anywhere near as often as we do.

 
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