I finally just ended my relationship with the jerk I've been with for over two years. It was an abusive relationship- he was manipulative, and somewhat verbally and physically abusive. The relationship has been "dead" for a while now, and I've been "ignoring him" and "pulling away" for months, but I didn't have the guts to actually say GOODBYE until today. And as much as my mind knows it's right, I'm already regretting it and scared. I'm scared of being alone, I'm scared because I'm afraid that I'm going to want him back and he's not going to want me, I'm scared because I was quite codependent, and I'm so incredibly sad because I cannot at all picture my life without him, even though he's barely ever around. I love this man more than anything. Despite how cruel he can be, I think he's the most beautiful person I've ever met, and that makes me mad, because I just want to hate him. I know I should for all that he's done to me. Anyway, this is how it ended.
We have been fighting nonstop and ignoring each other since the beginning of February, or maybe even before that, it's hard to remember anymore. I don't know if anyone remembers my last thread, but it was about how I asked him if he loved me a couple of weeks before Valentine's Day, and how he couldn't answer me or say he loves me. I took that as him not loving me, and I think rightfully so. He claims he has trust issues with females and blah blah blah, but I think after two years if you can't say I love you and certainly aren't showing it, you can't possibly love that person. Anyway, last night, I guess he talked to a friend of mine after work, and she said that I was terribly upset and having a nervous breakdown, and it was pretty much because of him. Which is true. For weeks I've been crying constantly, having extreme anxiety, and dry heaving I've been so lonely and upset. So, he shows up at my house to ask me what's the matter with me, even though he knows, because we've been talking about ending the relationship for good all week. I told him the truth. That I've been upset because we never talk anymore, he never wants to hang out with me, he's never around, he never calls, he's always out partying with his friends, and only calls me at 2:00am for a booty call, which he happened to do last Saturday, which I hung up on him, knowing that is what he wanted from me. Which, by the way, I gave in Sunday, knowing that we were going to break up, but in my mind, I figured it was a one last time. I was holding on to the fact that he might love me, and might say he loved me, I guess, which of course, didn't happen. All of this was actually being spoken of in a joking manner, since my boyfriend is uncomfortable with anything serious. He "jokingly" said that yes, he did call me for a booty call, and that he was drunk, but it's not like we're not going out and that he "cares" about me, so what's the big deal? I responded that it is a big deal because, "No offense, but it's bad enough that I'm even still going out with you when you don't love me at all, it's bad enough I'm staying in a loveless relationship, and then you call me at 3:00 in the morning because you're drunk and horny, so you can sleep with me, and then KICK ME OUT like you always do, not even sharing your bed with me." By making that statement, I was hoping that he would tell me that I'm wrong, that he does love me, but of course, I was just fooling myself. He actually laughed and said, "Yeah, I do kind of do that, don't I?" There was silence and then he says, "Well, you just didn't want to come over because you were too busy cheating on me with Gary." All week he has been accusing me of sleeping with this long-time scummy friend of his with 10 children, Gary, because Gary HAS been trying to get with me. But, I've been letting my boyfriend listen to EVERY single message he has left me, and told him every detail. And yet still, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him with Gary, and then matter of factly tells me that he lost his feelings a long time ago, because I've been "cheating on him our entire relationship." Now it was my turn to laugh. It is true that he has accused me of cheating at least 5 times in two years, and I haven't cheated even once. His ex-fiance before me did cheat on him numerous times, so he does have trust issues. But the funny thing is that in the BEGINNING of our relationship, he ADMITS to having an EMOTIONAL affair with his "best friend" and co-worker. So now I respond with, "Did you fall out of love with me before or after you slept with Tara?" He laughed, gave me an evil look, and said, "Oh, sleeping with Tara doesn't count." I couldn't believe it. He actually admitted it. I said, "you're finally going to admit it to me!!??" And then he claims he was kidding, which I certainly don't think that he was.
Anyway, this conversation was I guess the conversation signaling the end. After two years of me believing, or wanting to believe, or lying to myself, I'm not sure which one, that he actually loved me, I finally heard it from his mouth that he doesn't, and this is what I've been waiting for. All this time I've been staying with him just waiting for him to say, "I love you." Everyone around me for months and months has been telling me over and over that I've been being used, but I was just completely blind to it. My mom found me sobbing at the kithen table today, and asked me why I was so shocked when I knew all along he didn't love me. But I DIDN'T know all along. I never would've purposely put myself in a relationship that was loveless. I believed he did love me, not just care. All of those times that he made passionate love to me and held me, the at least 8 kisses I received from him daily, the way he could always make me laugh when I was upset....
I just can't believe it. Even though he outright TOLD me he didn't love me, or at least nodded when I said that he didn't, I still want to believe that he does. I was manipulated and blinded for so long that it's unbelievable. And even if he DID love me, everything else in our relationship was still horrible, as he was just unable to committ to me the way that I wanted him to. He's immature, still wants to party, and only comes to me when he has nothing else to do. And that's the truth, and I know that in my heart, but staying away from him is going to be the hardest thing I'm ever going to have to do. When he left last night, he kissed me, several times. I asked him why he was kissing me, and just kissed me again, said goodnight, and left. We actually left the conversation unfinished but it was 5am by the time he left. When I woke up this morning, I knew what I had to do. If I didn't do something, we would just stay how we are now, with him using me at his convienence. I wrote him a six page letter, put it on his bed, and left it for him to read before work. It was a goodbye letter. Everything inside of me wants call him and take it back, and say I was wrong to leave him, but my mind is screaming, "No!." Please, help me stay strong throughout this. If anyone has any words of encouragement, they would be greatly appreciated.
Oh Sol (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. If only they could ONLY be jerks all the time instead of confusing us by being sweet and attentive and loving one minute, then total a$$es the next.
But believe it or not, the good news IS that it's over. You know in the back of your mind it's been coming for some time now, and now it's finally done. Now you can get on with the business of healing. it's going to take a while, but you'd be living with this open, festering wound as long as you struggled along with him.
Why would he continue to be with you, sleep with you, if he were really so convinced you were also sleeping with Gary? Because he's not. It's just an excuse he's using to justify his bad behavior and likely cheating.
I hope that when you can cut through the hurt and pain, you'll be able to see that you deserve so much better than this, and you're so much better off without him. Now that he's out of the picture, you're free to find someone who will really treat you right consistently and honestly, not just once in a while on his terms.
I am going through this kind of stuff right now myself. See my posts if you want...just wanted to say that I know how it feels to still be madly in love with the jerk even though he is treating you terribly. I also just ended it with a letter and I haven't regretted it, but I have had many moments of missing him/analyzing it. The straw that broke the camel's back was the "booty call" for me too. I was also with him for over 2 years. Anyway, I am here for you too if you want to talk. Good luck...it is a scary thing and a big step but I am just so happy to finally have the strength to have made it.
Last edited by julia_girl; 03-22-2005 at 03:42 PM.
Thank you for your support. I actually have been following your posts, but felt that it would be kind of silly for me to offer you advice when I'm going through the same thing- and not handling it well at all. I think both of our guys are just unable to offer us any kind of committment, and "want their cake and want to eat it, too." At least that's what it sounds like, which does hurt terribly. I was crying all morning and all last night, but I'm kind of sick of crying because it's all I do all the time. Right now I'm just kind of numb and nauseous. I went to my boyfriend's place to pick up the few items that are there while he's work, and I found that he didn't even READ the letter I wrote him. It's untouched and in the same place I left it. Apparently, he didn't come home before work, and if he did, he didn't want to deal with reading something he knows is from me. He works everyday from 3 in the afternoon until midnight or later, so I had plenty of time to go to his place without ever seeing him. I might even go back and take the letter that I wrote him and replace it with a harsher letter. The letter that I wrote was way too sappy and pathetic, because I was crying at the time I wrote it. Now, it's a little later, and I feel a little bit stronger, and think that he deserves something more to the point with less explanation and meaner. He probably wouldn't even get through the first page of the one that I wrote. It's pathetic and repetitive. Anyway, I wish you the best in your situation, and I hope that we can both stay strong. I KNOW in my heart we'll be better off without these guys, but it's easier said than done.
From what I've gathered (little bits & pieces of information from your posts), you're speaking from experience, and I trust that you're completely right, and that's why I have to get him out and the biggest problem, KEEP him out.
about the letter, mine was also not harsh. It wasn't quite as sappy as the 20 I wrote before (and never sent) but I didn't tell him to $%^# off like my mother said to I was honest about my feelings, but I made it clear that it was over on my part because I just couldn't take it anymore. My dad says that I took the high road, that it leaves the door open to him to change but makes him realize that I am not going to put up with his behaviour anymore. If you feel like taking it back and replacing it you could, but then you may regret being bi^&%y later. I don't hate him, so I didn't want it to sound like I do, even though I am angry. It doesn't sound like you hate your jerk either. Are you sure he didn't see it? It would be kind of funny in a way if he had read it and then you replaced it and he came home to another bitchier one lol! My advice is to just be honest...if you poured your heart out that's ok. It needed to be said and I am sure he will read it at some point...curiousity usually kills the cat at some point. Make him realize you are serious by sticking to it, and I will do the same here. No contact. Go to the bookstore and read "Why Men Love Bi%^#es"...I wish I had read it a long time ago. Even if your bf doesn't ever realize what he is losing (you probably won't want him back by then anyway), it is good advice for the next relationship, and it really makes you want to stick to your guns....good luck...PS see my post to you on my thread!
Last edited by julia_girl; 03-22-2005 at 04:36 PM.
Hi ~ Katalina Goody hasn't forgotten about you. Today is a day to celebrate....for it is the first day of the rest of your life I am proud of you and know that it took alot of courage to take that big step. And now it is your job to gather enough inner strength to just keep on taking more & more steps forward and as you do you will get closer & closer to the life of happiness that you so deserve. Please don't look back ~ just look forward believing that there is a life that is so much better than that you are leaving behind.
There are many here who will carry you through in your moments of weakness. It will also be good if you can rely on real life friends & family to help you through. Please don't allow the aloneness to bring you back to a life of misery.....it is so much better being alone than feeling the emptiness with somebody that doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. So remember that and know that Goody and others are behind you all the way.
Yes, I am a self-proclaimed "expert on jerks" thanks to much life experience. I can say this after many tears shed, many horrible, its the end of my life type expereinces. You are going to grieve and feel horrible. I guess that is part of what makes us stronger and wiser in the end, though right now I know it doesnt really help to say that...
We girls think we can get these guys to be what we want. We think if we hang in there, it will get better. We dont want to end it feeling humiliated and unloved. If anything, you are wishing he AT LEAST cared. I know. It sucks. You cant make him feel as bad as you do. You wish you could...
Im sorry you have to be going through this right now. I know EXACTLY how it feels. It really stinks. But you are definately ridding yourself of some baggage. lol. He is a jerk. At least now you know it. Sometimes it helps to think that maybe someday something crappy will happen to him...
And I know you felt there was something wonderful there to love, but maybe someday you will see that alot of that was smoke in mirrors-at least for me that has been my experience. Take care.
In you thread, you said that he was a beautiful man. Did you mean physically? Because the man you described is not beautiful emotionally or spiritally. No one who treats you, as he has, is beautiful but ugly. I find that often even physically beautiful people who are cruel and selfish can become ugly to their loved ones, as plain but loving people can become beautiful in their lovers eyes. Is he reailly a beautiful man or do you want to believe he's a beautiful man? Maybe he's not really a beautiful man and doesn't deserve the love of a beautiful woman like you. You are right to take your love from his care. He hasn't appreciated or protected it. I believe there is a man out there looking for a loving woman like you and when you find each other he will take care of the love you give him.
Good point about the letter. That would be pretty funny if I replaced the letter with the Bit***r letter, and he had already read the first one! I'm like 99% sure he didn't touch it, but I think I'm just going to leave the one that's there because I did write it straight from my heart, and it IS how I feel. And I did make it clear that I was ending the relationship, even though I told him how much I love him. And it is also true that I don't hate him, and I'm still in love with hm, and I would probably end up feeling bad and apologizing if I was really mean in the letter. Anyway, I'm going to stay strong, and practice no contact whatsoever, too. There is one other problem that I'm going to have a hard time overcoming, though. That problem is REALLLY missing the sex that I was getting. It's not because I have some sort of ridiculous, insatiable sex drive, but it's because in our relationship, I felt that making love was the only time that I truly had his attention, and all of his affection. That was actually one of the biggest reasons I haven't broken up with him sooner. I kept telling myself that it was impossible that he DOESN'T love me when he has made such passionate love to me before, he has teared up and almost started crying. It's still hard to believe that he could be such a faker. But, love isn't all. Even if he loved me with all his heart, he still couldn't committ in any way, and I have to remember that. I just think that one of the biggest challenges I'm going to face is stopping myself from driving over to his house, crying, and falling pathetically into bed with him. And to make it even harder, he only lives about 1/4 mile away. That's practically right down the street and I'm BOUND to see him. Even while we were going out, when he was on one of his "needing space" kicks, I would get all upset if I even drove by him. The worst way to miss someone is when you have them, or you have the title, but not the person. But I have to stop thinking negatively, and take one day at a time. As Goody said, I need to just keep taking steps forward and not look back, because I'll be getting closer and closer to the life of happiness that I deserve. Thanks for all of the support, and I'll keep you updated...
I think that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Since I am still not thinking 100% clearly and objectively, I am going to take your advice and believe it, believe it, believe it. You are right about my boyfriend not being beautiful emotionally or spiritually. He wasn't. He's not. In my fantasy state of mind, he was perfect, but I'm concentrating on seeing the real thing now. Physically, to me, he was beautiful, but everyone else around me thought that he was rather average to not very attractive. I think that I saw beauty in his uniqueness. I can honestly say, there is no one else like him, and every one of his friends feels the same. He is so incredibly dysfunctional in some ways, and such a genius in other ways. He thinks differently, has ADHD and epilepsy (major seizure-free for years), and wasn't supposed to live to be 10 years old. I think I just admire and am attracted to how different and out of the norm he is, and part of me might even feel bad for him. He is an emotionally out-of-control person trying desperately to keep it together (he would never admit that, of course), and I have always felt like he NEEDS me. And that's a big part of my problem. I have the helper/fixer syndrome from growing up with an alcoholic dad. But you are right. Maybe he is not beautiful, but just unique, and I am driven by my own need to fix and help. Whenever I feel weak, I will remember your advice. Thank you
It is ok to miss the sex, so will I. That was the one good thing about our relationship; we always connected really well sexually. He was also very loving and tender while having sex, but it didn't carry through the rest of the day obviously. I once read that women need emotions to have sex and men need sex to show emotions and I thought maybe that is why he could be like that, but now I don't believe it. On the brighter side, I am sure they will miss it more than we do! That is too bad that you have to see him. Mine lives an hour away so I don't have that problem. Your's really didn't have any excuse not to be spending time with you then did he?
I definitely am finding hope from your reply. If you went through it, survived, and became a stronger person, I can, too. Also, my mom went through this, and it was a lot worse than my situation, and she's wonderful now. I need to stay strong.