i am married to the most negative person! i don't know what to do anymore , its to the point where i wonder what i am doing with him because i can't stand being around him at all, he is never violent but he gets so ****** at the smallest things, our tv remote has some issues and doesn't work sometimes you have to play around with it and just today he threw it on the ground twice,then after i fix it he wants it back,, he *****es and *****es constantly i have to tune him out i can walk out of the room and he will still be *****ing the other day he was telling ~*****ing~to me about something someone else did and his face was actually twitching!! it disgusts me so much , i am a very easy going person ,i try not to let things bother me and i think my husband is the only person that can get me mad, i have to constantly tell him that i am not the one who did it~~ (whatever he is telling me about) cause he starts yelling and stuff, he also doesn't take other peoples feelings into consideration when he is ranting and raving , then afterwards he will tell me how sorry he is, then he thinks everything is fine and dandy, it just makes me dislike him more and more.
i read another post where someone said their blood sugar was the cause of there anger,, how do you check for that? he wasn't always like this but the past few years i have just been biting my tongue and i keep telling myself to wait till the kids are out of school then i would leave him.
sorry this is so long , but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with his anger? and i have to becareful what i say to him cause he takes everything so personal and he is aways on the defensive , i don't even bother argueing with him because he is always right no matter what and he would argue to the death if i carried on with him ,
i just wish i knew what to do
mom to four of the most beautiful kids you ever saw~~
Oh yoga1, I'm so sorry. It sounds like my parents. My mother balanced that relationship as she was the exact opposite of my dad - so positive, always looking on the bright side of things, smiling even though underneath she actually walked on pins and needles wondering how he will react, how he'd get up in the morning, etc. Back in those days divorce hardly existed and women made the best of what they got until the kids were grown. Well, Dad passed away and she was in a sense relieved. She was able to live in peace and to this very day I've never seen her happier. Don't get me wrong - she loved him - but, she also feared and hated him. She tells me had it been this day and age she would have divorced him for a partner should bring out the best in you and shuold make you feel safe and happy and feel secure, well, most of the time, at least. I was married twice to men who would fly off the handle for anything, and being that I did too, it was a disaster! Doors were constantly slammed, didn't talk to each other for days, when I was in a good mood he wasn't, he never wanted to come to a compromise, we even saw a counselor and we worked on anger management and I worked on what was truly bothering me that made me angry. I made the effort - he didnt'. So he started drinking. Those were lost years of my life and I'm glad I chose not to have kids. (mommie dearest). maybe not. All I know is that I need someone to balance me, and I have it now (a lot of shopping around). He is very positive, tolerant and makes be be the same and I'm changing although I complain, but, it's usually in gest and I'm happier bellyaching at times, but, people know I playing around, too. Please find a counselor for both of you, or, another relationship, or, live alone for awhile. It is good therapy. I chose to live alone and my BF lives a few doors down and we get along great! Life is too short to spend it with an angry person, the world is in such an angry state as is. Take good care of yourself, for, no one else totally knows what's best for you - only you. Yoga is a great start. Bless you for being the way you are. The world needs more happy souls like you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif, Anna
Get him to excercise to lose that locked up volcanic adrenaline also folic acid because people who get all wound up cause themselves or have stress/ors which causes the homocystiene levels to go up which cause among many problems heart disease-folic acid a b-vitamin is essential to men and women. Have you tried massage therapy on him. Buy him a B-complex it helps if he is a beer drinker -beer zaps all the B's out of you. Good luck.
i was in a long term marriage for almost 20 yrs with someone just like you described...not even counseling helped...finally too late in the marriage to save it, he finally started anti depressive medicine. The main question is, how are you doing, and what is this type of situation doing to you? Good luck and remember it's not all about him
I am sorry to hear about your negative husband. One thing I could not stand was my negative Dad. Literally he was filled with doom and gloom. Every remark he made was "did you fail? Did you get beat up? Did the teacher suspend you?" He would always jump to the most drastic and negative conclusions and then when I'd get frustrated with his negative remarks he would blow up with rage and fury acting as if he was the dictator and he was going to hurt and demolish me, which he did many times.
I thought of suicide for many years when I lived with my Dad and mom. My mom is a relativly nice person and does want harmony and peace. I remember when my Dad blew up with rage when I didn't scrub his car correctly and I rolled my eyes at him. He blew up with rage and shoved me to the ground and started kicking me. Then he cussed me out and told me to get up and finish cleaning his car.
I had to live with his pathetic attitude and behavior for 18 years! I can only empathise , I too would like to know what to do around very negative people.
When I get around negative people at school or at work I tend to get very nervous and annoyed and frustrated beyond belief. Most likely because they remind me of how horrible my Dad was to me.
What was really annoying is that when I left his house. I signed up to see a therapist. And this pathetic therapist told me that I need to go thank my Dad for letting me live by myself and thank him for parenting me and doing everything for me. The therapist also told me passive aggresivly that I was not listening to him and that is why he repeats his doom and gloom statements over and over and that he probably is not being heard. WOW, I cannot believe a therapist would down play my feelings and work to maximize the important of an abusive idiot father.
[This message has been edited by wannabehotguy (edited 08-19-2003).]
My suggestion to you is to go to counseling with or w/o him IF you love him. If not, get out NOW and stop letting yourself be abused because that is exactly what you are doing. Do you think you deserve that? Is that how you want to live? I don't know your circumstances, but we never know about life. Why live it in misery? If he is an angry man, let him do it on his by himself. You do not have to be subjected to that crap. Are you a doormat? Think about it.
I had an abusive parent like many of the people who replied to your note so I know what you are going through. There is a great book on overcoming dysfunction in your life that I think would greatly benefit both of you that I would love to recommend to you but this is my very first post on these message boards and it sounds like they do not allow you to recommend books to others from reading the rules when I signed up, which seems kinda silly since these are support bb's? Perhaps you can reply to this with your email and I can send the name of the book to you privately if that is allowed? If you are interested.
Good luck, I think it is simply the improper processing of his thoughts that cause him to be the way he is and that's fixable :-)
Don't expect anyone to help you, if you won't help yourself!
Don't expect anyone to help you, if you won't help yourself!
How similar our situations are. I know how you feel for sure! It is so strange how they just become different in time. Less patient, less loving, irrational, and downright mean at times. Mine never hits either. Although, he grits his teeth, look like he wants to tear my head off, and acts like he's going to whack me in the face.
I hope trying to stick by him and offering him options for change, is worth it. If not, I hope I figure it out soon enough!
I am 33 and have been divorced from an angry
husband for 3 years now. He went to counseling.
I went to counseling. We went to counseling
together. He was still angry. I divorced him
finally after realizing he would not change,
at least not with me. I feel much more peace
and happiness since I did this. It can be lonely
at times, but I've made friends and more
connections with people than before, when
I was always worried about his next outburst.
If you try counseling and that doesn't work,
I guess you figure out what your breaking
point is, the point where you really can't
take anymore and go from there.
Originally posted by yoga1st: he wasn't always like this but the past few years i have just been biting my tongue
How is your sex life? Guys who are low on testosterone get angry very easily and are often very irritable (the smallest stupid thing sets them off). If he is over 40 and your sex life is in the dog house, then it's a very real possiblity. A simple morning blood test can detect the problem.
In your heart if you can honestly say you do not love him anymore and know that thearpy would still not bring back the love then you need to get out.
You made the statement about waiting until the kids get out of school. I am a FIRM believer that should never be the deciding factor if you are unhappy. I think a lot of the times that excuse is used as a cop out. Not saying that is your case. Nothing is worse on children being brought up in an "angry" household.
I was, my father was the angry one, abusive among other things. He never had a nice thing to say about anyone! My mom was the passive one in our family but she never stood up to him. You don't think children at 5 & 6 years old would pick up on stuff like that but we do. After I got in junior high I asked Mom, "why don't you leave him, why do you stay?" Her excuse was because of you three kids, I'll never be able to take care of you own my own. B*llSh*T...She was just what I call one of those "weak women." It got to the point where we not only hated our dad but also BLAMED our mother for MAKING us stay in that horrible household.
My brother use to be so negative after he grew up and got out of our house. We could see the effective all that negativity had on him.
You wouldn't want your childred to grow up thinking that this is a "normal" way of married life..would you?
I hope you do what's right for you and your children.
I'm 23 years old and I have been fighting depression since I turned 15, and now I know why. My dad was exactly like all of that... only I was taught he was right, and learned that what I felt, what I thought, meant nothing.
I would come home crying -- even the other week I did, and he yelled at me for being upset. I can't believe how messed up growing up in that kind of house can make you. Both my sister and I are on anti-depressants. My mom has been trained so well that she doesn't even think his behavior is unacceptable. Blowing up because I did something wrong because I didn't hear him.
Well, I've had enough. I finally stood my ground and told him he was over-reacting, which as you can imagine make him much worse... it is really hard to describe what it is like, having to stick up for yourself, and having your parents hate, no, loathe you for it. I have not returned home for two days now, except to pick up homework things. It is so difficult, not being able to afford to move out.
I wish my mother could see the way he really is. She is old now, and very used to his world. Get out of it while you can, before you are too old, or too broken, to leave. Your kids will thank you.
How to deal with HIS anger? What about yours? I have been where you are. I was married for 10 years to a man just like your husband! My ex was sooo negative and he was angry all the time. The least little things set him off and I never knew who, what or when the tornado would hit! I am very easygoing and patient and I took it for 11 years until I couldn't stand it any longer. He was the MOST selfish person on the face of this earth. It was ALL ABOUT HIM! Never about me or my feelings or my problems. I loved him so much, I took his crap. I honestly didn't think I could live without him. But one day (after I turned 41) I was thinking "is this how I want to live the rest of my life?" Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable. I'll never forget walking on eggshells ALL the time - I was a nervous wreck. I had a sleeping disorder the last 3 years we were married and miraculously, after I left him, it disappeared. Now, I sleep like a baby! Go figure. lol.
Something you need to know, however, is that verbal abuse will lead to physical abuse. I don't know which is worse. I've been on the receiving end of both and neither of them is a good thing. Do you want your children around this? I know how you must feel, but children are NOT always better off with both parents together. Another thing to consider is that some children will follow in the abusive parent's footsteps and will do the same thing to their wives (or husbands) and children. We must STOP the cycle of violence. It ain't easy, believe me. I didn't have a job or a dime when I left my ex. I didn't own a car, but the judge had given me use of HIS car until we went to trial. My ex told me we should put it in his name to build up his credit. Right. 3 months after I left him he had the car picked up by the bank and I couldn't do a da** thing about it because it was in his name! By then, I had a job, and had to borrow my girlfriend's car until I could get one. It took me a month to get a car. I was helpless for the first 6 months after I left him. I couldn't even decide something so simple such as where the heck to go out to eat because he made all the decisions for so long (and I allowed him to), that I didn't know what to do! I had lost myself. I didn't even know who I was any more.
What I'm trying to say is that this is NOT going to get better on its own. I know you think it will. I did. I kept thinking if I just did everything perfect, and tried harder that he would have nothing to b**** about. WRONG. There will always be something for him to blow up about. You see, you are not the problem, HE IS. And until he realizes that, things will never change. They will just get worse.
Please don't waste your life on this jerk. You seem like such a nice person. Men like that PREY on women. It's like they have a 6th sense about them. Start thinking about yourself and your children. One other thing: as often as you can, start saving money. Even if it's just a couple of dollars a week, do it and hide it.
No one can tell you what to do. You have to be the one to make that decision.
I'm sorry if I sound hateful (toward him), but the bad thing about living with an abuser is that it makes YOU angry, but you stuff all that anger down and don't deal with it. I am now dealing with it. Some days, I just want to hurt him so bad for wasting all those years on him, but then my sanity returns and I am so thankful that I am away from him NOW. My life has just begun.
Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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The Following User Says Thank You to swf For This Useful Post: greenacres (06-21-2011)
Hi! I can't believe what I'm reading... It's like I'm reading about myself. Walking on egg shells, he blows up at me and the kids over NOTHING. He is SO mean and always angry. He says it's OUR fault! The kids want do what there told etc... I don't know what to do!! It's to the point that the first thing my son ask when I pick him up from school is~ "is dad home". He curses at us daily and he throws things and YELLS very loud at us. He doesn't care who hears him, I tell him that the 'neibors are going to hear him' and he says "I don't give a ----". We are a church going family and he has just gotten worse and worse over the last several yrs. I don't even like sitting w/him at church. It's like HOW can you cuss us out on the way to church and then sit there like nothing is wrong. I use to be a strong person. I feel SO weak now! I'm on med. for depression, though I'm not sure it works. He has only hurt me (with his hands) one time, that was 2 yrs. ago. It was very bad! He says it was an accident... he feel on me. He didn't mean to trample me and when he fell on me his head flung forward~ (didn't head but me) etc.... Well, I had a broken nose and my mouth was messed up on the inside and I had bruises from my toes to my nose. The hand prints on my arms were from him grabbing me as he was falling. Yeah, right! He turns EVERYTHING around! It really does make me question myself sometimes, like I'm the one going crazy. I will ask my 13 yr. old later to tell me as honest as possible "what just happend". I know it's not me...it's him~ but he is driving me crazy! I really feel like I'm loosing it sometimes. I didn't feel that way until he did that and then my grandmother died, I felt like I lost the only person in the world I could REALLY count own. Anyway, I've been getting better and I'm trying really hard to "find myself" and some how get help for my family. I do love him and I want him to get help! I've written heart felt letters, begged, I'm giving him a chance to get better. I've TAKEN him to doctors who have put him on med. and then he doesn't take it. I have 6 kids and I DO NOT have any where to go! My parents would never let me move-in even if they had the room. I don't want my kids living in a nasty shelter. He is aware that i don't know how much more I can take. Any advice would be great! By the way, I can't get free child care and I can't afford child care. I have NO training at all for a job, and I don't think I'm emotionally able to fuction at a job right now. Good luck to all in need, I'm right there w/you.
The following user gives a hug of support to alexanderbunch: greenacres (06-21-2011)