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Old 04-02-2005, 10:31 PM   #1
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Unhappy To all my friends, what should I do?

Oh my heart is broken. No matter how much I try I just never win. Before I go on, I must admit that I did a bad thing. I went through his emails. He was just so protective of them and panicky if he accidently opened it, that my instincts were telling me there was something wrong. So I checked it out. I actually wanted to prove to myself that I was being silly, but I did the opposite. When we were on our "break", he joined up to a sex and swingers site to meet people. He was very graphic on what he wanted - and it is the opposite of me. I have always had problems with him in some way chatting to other girls in a very sexual nature behind my back. He says it's all just fantasy, but then why is it impacting on my reality? I don't think he would go further, but how would I even trust that? We even broke up once a few years ago because I found some very sexual messages to some girl in his phone (which is really my phone). I told him then that if that's the life he wanted then I was not going to stand in his way, because it's not something that I consider part of a healthy relationship. But he came back begging and pleading... telling me he knew he'd stuffed up but that he just liked flirting with females and that he wouldn't do it again. And yet, here we are.

I just don't understand. I am so good to him. I give him everything he needs/wants. Why doesn't he know how much he hurts me? Why can't I be enough for him? Do I just accept that this is who he is and walk away now? I know I was wrong to do it, but do you think I am over reacting?

I don't know how to stop the tears. There have been too many over the last 7 years. I just sent a message telling him that I now understand why he hasn't committed after almost 7 years... I guess he is looking for something more or better than me.

Please tell me what you think my friends...
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Old 04-02-2005, 10:46 PM   #2
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

hello storm....

I posted to a similar thread earlier. Saying it shouldnt be something you go snooping in. Maybe he knew if you read what he had been doing that it would upset you, just like it did and he was trying to prevent that from happening.

Is this harmless looking and reading of things? Or is this he's talking one on one and meeting these ladies?

I dont want to say your totally over-reacting but ina sense you are. You found something you shouldnt have, and if you didnt know it wouldnt be bothering you right now. I'd let him know you found it and your hurt by it, tell him what you said on here, you thought you gave him everything and anything ect...

 
Old 04-02-2005, 11:02 PM   #3
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

It's just that it's been an ongoing thing intermittently through the past 7 years. He knows it hurts me. And I tried to trust him over and over again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But I know that when he gets nervous and secretive with things... well I've seen the signs long enough to know what they mean. And I really tried to trust him and tell myself that it wasn't right - I know what I did was wrong and he always tells me that it's my fault too because if I hadn't looked I wouldn't have found it. I just don't find that justifiable - he's still doing it but then he's lying and hiding it from me hoping I'll be none the wiser. But if you had suspicions that (if you asked) you know your partner wouldn't be completely honest about... wouldn't you want to know if he was betraying you? I am in no way justifying what I did. But he hasn't made a single effort to try and help me to trust him again. He's just let me down time and time again. And I try to do the right thing and not look. Honestly I did it because I wanted to look in there and see nothing to prove to myself that I was being silly. But I wasn't, was I? Yes, he is allowed to do what he likes, I can't control him... but what if that includes hurting me over and over? Does it make it right if I don't know about it? What if I found out accidently? And I know that if I did the same thing to him he would never forgive me... and he has said that openly.

At the moment, it doesn't look like he's had any respondants, and the previous times I don't think anything happened, but there were messages like "do you want to go to the movies or for a drive" amongst various others of a very sexual nature including "why don't you come on over then?" (from the girl). But it could be the first of many that he's on. I don't know. There are so many avenues he could use, and so many ways to be sneaky and hide it. Personally, I don't want to stop him if that's what he likes to indulge in (it's his right), but I don't want to be a part of his life if that's the case (which is my right). But he keeps saying that I have just misunderstood or taken things way out of context and makes it out that it's not what he's into. I value what you have said, and I fully understand... but please understand that this is something that we have spoken about and I have told him that I will not tolerate in a relationship. I am quite willing to let him go if that is what he wants to do, but he always comes back saying no, it's not what he wants, he only wants me, i am the only one for him etc etc etc and assures me he will not hurt me again. He knows how much it hurts me, as I know it would hurt him if it was reciprocated. I just don't want to be taken for a fool anymore. Is there something I can do, or should I just accept that this is what he thinks is okay to do in a long term relationship? It's just that I am so emotionally invested that I would like some insight from the outside perspective.
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Old 04-02-2005, 11:22 PM   #4
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

I even tried to speak rationally to him about it. No yelling or blaming, just a calm tone. I just said that it's his right to do whatever he wants to, but can he please tell me if this is how my life is going to be (or what he considers normal) so that I could make a decision as to whether I can put up with it or not. That's all I asked. But he went straight on the defence and then attack. Told me that it's my fault for looking (although I never said how I found it). Told me he didn't want to speak to me anymore. It's always my fault... everything... always...
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Old 04-03-2005, 12:46 AM   #5
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

I just want to also mention that I am not one of those paranoid types for eg; I know he looks at porn etc and I don't mind - I don't get jealous or anything like that. It's just that this is more of a personal thing... he is looking for contact with another physical human being and it makes me sick. There is nothing wrong with that, but not when you are in a long term relationship and when you know your partner does not like that. It's just not part of my morals and that will never change.

Maybe he is insecure or has a low self esteem and he feels flattered by any attention he may get. But I give him so much already. Maybe he feels he needs to do it to boost his ego or to make him feel good about himself? But I have stuck with him and supported him through thick and thin, isn't that saying something?

I don't know. Part of me thinks it will never change and I should just accept it and go. The other part wants to make excuses and not believe it. I hate the thought of throwing away something that I have invested so much into when we both love each other.
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Old 04-03-2005, 03:33 AM   #6
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

Oh Stormgirl, my heart breaks for you . I can only imagine how difficult a time you're having, feeling betrayed and deceived like anyone in your situation would be. My personal instinct here is to tell you to get rid of this guy and move on while you still can...you deserve a lot better in that you absolutely should demand a man who is completely faithful and loyal to you. There are some good men out there who don't cheat...but men who have cheated numerous times usually (but not always...frequent cheaters do SOMETIMES reform when they find a particular partner). In my opinion and if I was you, what actually happened wouldn't have mattered so much as the fact that I just didn't think I would be able to trust him again after this. I think cheating and betrayal can occur at many levels and not require physical contact...but you are so wise and intuitive, Storm, that my best advice is to trust your instincts and follow your heart. If someone disappoints you once, it's pretty standard to give that person a second chance. But after multiple disappointments, some people still don't really get the picture and need even more blatant proof before they are convinced that it is actually over. I am angry that this guy hurt you and that he is too stupid to see what a great girl he is hurting...all I know for sure is that you deserve to be happy, loved, comforted, and cherished. It just doesn't sound like this guy appreciates or deserves you nearly as much as he should . I will be rooting for you and wishing you the best no matter how things unfold and what happens. Good luck and hang in there...everything is going to turn out just fine.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 03:56 AM   #7
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

After 7 years, You should be able to get a commitment. After 7 years, you should know him alot better (he should be more open about his sexual habits). After 7 years, you should be able to have more trust and confidence in him. After 7 years.........

 
Old 04-03-2005, 07:24 AM   #8
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

An observation from Mama Ruth...
You seem to lend more weight to "throwing away 7 yrs of your life" than to the number of years you have left to live.
Taking into account that people rarely really change, How do you really want to spend them?

 
Old 04-03-2005, 08:05 AM   #9
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
An observation from Mama Ruth...
You seem to lend more weight to "throwing away 7 yrs of your life" than to the number of years you have left to live.
Taking into account that people rarely really change, How do you really want to spend them?
I agree. I think thats what a lot of people do, think about the amount of time/years they have invested into the relationship and thats what makes it so hard to leave. 7 years is defintely a long time, especially when your young. But I think what Ruth said was wonderful: "think about how much years you have left to live." Think about your future, all those years you still have left to have a family (kids, if you dont have any yet), etc. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Not being able to trust your significant other is a BIG, HUGE issue. And the hard part is, is that its so incredibly difficult to actually bring that trust back. If he is lying to you and hiding things from you, I see that as a reg flag. Don't force yourself to be second guessing his every move for the rest of your life, its unhealthy for the both of you.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 08:46 AM   #10
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

Hi, Storm Goody must agree with Ruth 100% here. You've invested 7 years into this relationship.....seems like alot but so little compared to the future ahead. Spending anymore years will only add to your misery & unhappiness. You deserve so much better, Stormgirl. I hope you realize this enough to take the risk of seeking your future happiness. ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

 
Old 04-03-2005, 08:48 AM   #11
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

Stormgirl, I feel so badly for you and feel the burden of your pain and hurt with you. I understand what you are going through. I also agree with Snails, Realguy, Ruth6:11 and Tygrysek and would like to add some more to their comments. The advice Ruth gave is the same advice I gave my daughter with her boyfriend of 3 years who was doing similar things. She had the same concern as you did regarding the time she had put into the relationship. She has moved on and is happy now. Ruth is right, how much longer do you want to live in an untrusting situation? Does the number of years really have as much bearing on your personal happiness as you think right now? Time allows us the opportunity to learn about ourselves as well as those around us. What has time taught you about him and his habits? about yourself? are you willing to live the rest of your life like this?

Next, is there anything that you have that you wouldn't want him to accidentally read or find that you would be ashamed of or feel you have to defend? I would venture to say that there isn't (maybe with the exception of the fact that you are asking us for advice, which by the way there is nothing wrong with either). The reason I ask that is to make the point that in a love relationship people don't do things behind the back of the one they love most. Anyway, the whole idea of a committed relationship is that you have no real secrets like the ones he has because you don't want to hurt your partner. What 2 people have in a committed realtionship is a compassionate understanding for the others' feelings. Being committed means that you don't look around for "extras" whether it is fantasy or not (unless it is mutually agreed upon and obviously it is not). He already said that he wouldn't put up with the same behavior from you, so he has already convicted himself and is living a double standard. He is basically saying that he wants you to be committed to him while he figures out if he can be committed to you are not. Like Realguy said, by 7 years he should know.

Now to address the fact that you "snooped." You saw the signs of previous behavior, you followed up on your intuition, you found something he doesn't want you to find. Do I think you are overreacting or should feel badly about that? My answer is no, you shouldn't. You were taking care of yourself which is a natural considering you want the truth and he has not been forthcoming before. Now the question is why did you want to know and what are you going to do now that you do? Are you going to stay in a situation of distrust, which true love cannot operate fully under, or are you going to move on?

Storm, I really hope the best for you. You deserve so much better and hope you will find it. There are many of us out there that have been in similar situations as you and take it from me, once you are true to yourself and committed to your own personal happiness things will be much better. There are lonely times to be had, but that is not nearly as bad as the thought of concern, worry and distrust that you are living in on almost a daily basis.

I wish you the goodness and happiness you deserve!!
Sunny

P.S. There is nothing wrong with you. He just doesn't know how good he has it with such a great person as you. One day this will be his utter and complete loss because you eventually won't take him back when he comes crying to you on some lonely night.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 09:26 AM   #12
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

Listen to SunnySmiles!!
I met a guy and I know that if we'd stayed together we could have had a great relationship.
Except I was the wrong religion and the whole family was rooting for the other girl he was dating who was the "right" religion. He actually cried when he finally broke up with me for good.

I ran into to him 5 yrs later, he's put on too much weight and had 3 kids already. He told me to "give him a call sometime".
Yeah - Uh huh.

Made ME feel great though!

Someday this guy will see you all spiffed out and happy with a great guy and know exactly what he threw away.
Ha! (Great post Sunny!!)

 
Old 04-03-2005, 10:33 AM   #13
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

This may sound sneaky and underhanded but I know what I'd do in the same situation. I would open up a fake account on the website he is using, respond to his ad, and see if he takes the bait. This would be the only way that I could prove to myself that he is truly looking for someone else, and not just playing. I find nothing wrong with you snooping in his email but this is my opinion. If we have the belief that our partner is up to no good I see nothing wrong with utilizing whatever means we have, to seek the truth. Nowadays with all the diseases floating around we have to take care of ourselves and if that means being as sneaky as our partner -- so be it.

Having said that, I have to say that I agree totally with Sunny's post.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 12:22 PM   #14
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

kitkat, the only difference is that if it was a boyfriend, and I had good reason for suspicion, I'd walk away. Why would I even bother with staying with someone I don't trust?
To me, if two people are living together it's pretty much all "ours" and I'd look anywhere I darned well pleased!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 04-03-2005 at 12:23 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 01:54 PM   #15
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Re: To all my friends, what should I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by StormGirl
It's just that it's been an ongoing thing intermittently through the past 7 years. He knows it hurts me. And I tried to trust him over and over again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But I know that when he gets nervous and secretive with things... well I've seen the signs long enough to know what they mean. And I really tried to trust him and tell myself that it wasn't right - I know what I did was wrong and he always tells me that it's my fault too because if I hadn't looked I wouldn't have found it. I just don't find that justifiable - he's still doing it but then he's lying and hiding it from me hoping I'll be none the wiser. But if you had suspicions that (if you asked) you know your partner wouldn't be completely honest about... wouldn't you want to know if he was betraying you? I am in no way justifying what I did. But he hasn't made a single effort to try and help me to trust him again. He's just let me down time and time again. And I try to do the right thing and not look. Honestly I did it because I wanted to look in there and see nothing to prove to myself that I was being silly. But I wasn't, was I? Yes, he is allowed to do what he likes, I can't control him... but what if that includes hurting me over and over? Does it make it right if I don't know about it? What if I found out accidently? And I know that if I did the same thing to him he would never forgive me... and he has said that openly.

At the moment, it doesn't look like he's had any respondants, and the previous times I don't think anything happened, but there were messages like "do you want to go to the movies or for a drive" amongst various others of a very sexual nature including "why don't you come on over then?" (from the girl). But it could be the first of many that he's on. I don't know. There are so many avenues he could use, and so many ways to be sneaky and hide it. Personally, I don't want to stop him if that's what he likes to indulge in (it's his right), but I don't want to be a part of his life if that's the case (which is my right). But he keeps saying that I have just misunderstood or taken things way out of context and makes it out that it's not what he's into. I value what you have said, and I fully understand... but please understand that this is something that we have spoken about and I have told him that I will not tolerate in a relationship. I am quite willing to let him go if that is what he wants to do, but he always comes back saying no, it's not what he wants, he only wants me, i am the only one for him etc etc etc and assures me he will not hurt me again. He knows how much it hurts me, as I know it would hurt him if it was reciprocated. I just don't want to be taken for a fool anymore. Is there something I can do, or should I just accept that this is what he thinks is okay to do in a long term relationship? It's just that I am so emotionally invested that I would like some insight from the outside perspective.
Oh, Stormgirl, I am so saddened to hear of your troubles. When I saw you posting of no reports, I always tried to assume all was well with your relationship.
Oh, but I know firsthand how hard it is. I aksed myself the same exact questions you ask. And I still don't have the answers.

But we know it's wrong. The way we look for answers so we can do the right thing - then listen to him blame it all on us. You know it isn't all your fault.
The way you try to just talk - and he gets all defensive making you feel bad.
So then you 'play' by their rules, give him space, don't push - and he takes it as in invivitation that it's ok. So you make it real easy - let him know if he wants to end it, you'll let it go. Then he comes running back swearing it isn't what he wants.
It's like there is just nothing you can do that is the right thing.

I don't know what's wrong with these guys. It seems the name of their game is 'keep you too confused so you never figure it out'. I don't know, but I can tell you my ex succeeded in that one better than anyone.

I think it does come from a lot of insecurity. As I don't know your bf, I wouldn't want to jump to any assumptions about him, so I can't say anything there I guess.

If I could do things different, well for one, I wouldn't have let others get in the way of my own feelings.
I would have completely trusted my own self and my own feelings.
I would have worked harder to understand HIM, rather than try to understand his actions.
And I would of stood firmer in my own beliefs, rather than let him, among others try to sway me.

I think alot of times, he was 'testing' me, to see if I was 'strong' enough for him.

I really don't know the right thing to tell you.
I know what you say about how do you walk away after 7 years? Not wanting to give up.
But you also have to ask youself 'when has it been going on too long to stay?'
Please don't lose yourself in this. I will be wishing you the ABSOLUTE best thoughts!!!!!!!!!!

 
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