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Old 04-06-2005, 11:16 AM   #1
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Relationships with coworkers

I post a lot of questions on these boards, I know... I've got another one, but this probably sums up all of my major problems.

I want to know if I am doing something wrong, or if everybody is just immature and bitter. Everybody!!! Yeah, right--the whole world is wrong and I'm right.

I have problems getting along with people at work sometimes. IF those people are female. I have no problems with guys. Women stand around, act like busybodies, goof off, gossip, and talk about peple behind their back. It bugs me to no end how they act. And yes, I am a chick. But I'm a chick who knows how to be professional!

I truly don't understand why these women at work never like me. They'll act like they are my best friend the first couple of months, and they'll be so nice and sweet. Then all of a sudden they'll start talking about me behind my back and making smart remarks.

I am a NICE person. I'm cheerful and get my work done and go out of my way to help people. I dress nicely and present myself well, I think. But when this happens I get so confused and think I am doing something wrong! I've been reading about these disorders, like Asperger's, where you don't have social skills, but I don't know if that's really me. Maybe I just can't read people's faces. Maybe I am silly, or don't talk enough, or don't smile enough or something. I don't know! Or maybe this happens to everybody?

I cried on the way home today because it happened again. I've been at my internship for a couple of months now, and I like it a lot. Everybody's been really sweet. But today this girl made some weird comment. Now this is somebody who I get along fine with--we even go out to lunch sometimes. To make it short, she needed a piece of paper that she didn't have and I was like "Oh it's OK, I have one at home" and she goes, "Well aren't you special." I'm like, "huh?" The other lady in the office started laughing. I was like, "I don't get it." They said, "Inside joke." I played along, and said, "You guys are making fun of me, aren't you?" They said, "Nah! We wouldn't do that. We'd tell you to your face."

I'm just so confused... this happens to me at every job I get. I can't work with women. I don't see what I'm doing wrong!

I have a tendency to think it's ME...but I'm starting to wonder if people are jealous of me. That sounds so vain and awful, I know. But I'm desperate. I mean, it's getting to the point where I just want to stay home and not work. That's what some girl said to me at my last job: "Some of us HAVE to work." I'm not trying to be awful, but it's true I'm kind of spoiled...am I letting that attitude show? Should I just pretend to have problems so that people will like me? Do people really act like that when they are jealous? I don't understand it because I am nice to everybody! Does no one in this world have any class or tact? Or is it really me that's rubbing people the wrong way?

I apologize for this long rant but I would like some insight before I go to the psych tomorrow and get my head shrunk.

 
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Old 04-06-2005, 11:30 AM   #2
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Re: Relationships with coworkers

Sometimes I feel that way too, like the whole world has gone crazy and has conspired to get together and make my life as miserable as possible. But let's be realistic, the chances that every woman in the world is a bitter, hateful bi*** and you're not doing anything at all to evoke such responses is pretty small, wouldn't you say? But I am curious, why would anyone thing you don't HAVE to work? Are you married to a really rich man? Are your parents really rich and you have a big ol' honkin' trust fund? I think in order to help, we may need to know a little more about your life situation. But just off the top of my head, it sounds to me like you came into this place of work with the attitude that the women were gossipy goof offs. Perhaps that preconception seeped into your body language and behavior toward them. Women are pretty perceptive creatures. We can pick up on things like that. If I may ask, how do you dress? Are you overly flirty with the men? If you saw the movie Eric Brockovich, she had big problems with the women in her office as well, because she dressed very seductively and used her sex appeal to get ahead. Not every woman can do that, so it's painful to know that all the years of schooling and hard work you've put in don't mean squat next to a pair of nice ballumbas. I'm not saying you do this, and I'm not even saying that it's wrong to use your nice ballumbas to your advantage if you can, I'm just syaing there's another side to it. Do you give women any reason to think that deep down you're not totally with them or one of them, that you didn't get where you are by hard work? That may be a place to start.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 11:40 AM   #3
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Re: Relationships with coworkers

Lol, thanks for the reply. First of all I'm totally flat-chested! I dress very conservatively. Slacks, pumps, oxford shirts. My sisters are always telling me I'm a frump, so that's not it. Yes, my husband has a good job, but we're not rich or anything. I have two college degrees and I'm in school for a third. I have more schooling behind me than most of the older women there. I can see where you might get the idea from my post that I might be a bimbo, but that is certainly not the case at all.

I don't know if they are jealous. I just say that because of the comments they make. "Aren't you special?" I am actually wondering if they might resent me for other reasons... And here is where I'm at a loss.

PS. I might add that the few men I work with are gay. That's the atmosphere of the place.

Last edited by Blue102; 04-06-2005 at 11:42 AM.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 11:49 AM   #4
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Talking Re: Relationships with coworkers

I think that in every office setting you are going to find office politics.

Unfortunatley women like to induldge in it more then men. Personally I don't think its' you. I think it is the "office atomosphere" and truly believe that any office you work in you will find this going on.

I'm a female and it goes on in my office. Not to the extent that others are made fun of like that...or rude comments are said, but more or less all the little cattiness that goes on through e-mails and behind people's back.

For instance..."did you see what so and so did in the kitchen and then didn't clean up" or, "So and so ordered lunch for just their department and we always ask them when we are ordering, from now on I'm not asking them anymore" A day later they are going to lunch together!

It is just the business......I don't know, but personally I don't think this is anything you need to be seeing a shrink over.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 11:56 AM   #5
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Re: Relationships with coworkers

Sorry, didn't mean to imply you were a bimbo! Just trying to size up the situation. Your education may be the issue. You know who Ashley Judd is? Have you ever seen her in interviews? I'm sure she's actually a fairly nice person, but she comes across as so pedantic and full of herself that I can't stand her. Do you maybe correct other people's grammar and such without realizing you're doing it? Or overstep the bounds of authority of your position? It could be these ladies are in fact just jealous of you, especially if they are single or divorced and less educated than you. It may seem unfair, but in that case, if you want to get along, you have to go above and beyond the call of duty in showing these ladies you're down for them and not stuck up at all. How to do that is the tricky part. I'm not quite sure what to tell you, but being sympathetic to their problems without trying to swoop in and solve them might be a step in the right direction. I would NOT suggest asking them if you can be of any assistance, at least not yet. They may interpret it as though you're bucking for their job or trying to be a miss know it all, unless they're about to drop a big heavy box of files all over the floor or something obvious like that. Be nice and warm, smile and make eye contact. You said before that you try hard to be nice, which I don't doubt, but can I ask, HOW are you nice? Can you give an example of a common interaction where you tried to be nice?

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:06 PM   #6
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Re: Relationships with coworkers

Hmmm. There was a girl in my last office who really annoyed me. She was getting married soon, and was really excited about it, so I would ask her all the time about wedding details, etc. I went out of my way to make converation about HER. I don't think I ever said a word to her about me, and she never asked.

Pedantic and full of myself...I don't know, maybe people do see me like that. I just see myself as being professional and polite. That's just my personality, and I know I can be a little standoffish, but I'm quite shy. All my life I've tried to break out of my shell, so I always make a conscious effort to make conversation and smile. That's why I thought I might have that Asperger's thing. (Ughhhh, I know this is anonymous, but I'm still embarrassed.) I dunno.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:13 PM   #7
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Re: Relationships with coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue102
Hmmm. There was a girl in my last office who really annoyed me. She was getting married soon, and was really excited about it, so I would ask her all the time about wedding details, etc. I went out of my way to make converation about HER. I don't think I ever said a word to her about me, and she never asked.

Pedantic and full of myself...I don't know, maybe people do see me like that. I just see myself as being professional and polite. That's just my personality, and I know I can be a little standoffish, but I'm quite shy. All my life I've tried to break out of my shell, so I always make a conscious effort to make conversation and smile. That's why I thought I might have that Asperger's thing. (Ughhhh, I know this is anonymous, but I'm still embarrassed.) I dunno.
No need to feel embarrassed! I think there are a lot of people out there who for one reason or other just feel like they're living their whole lives watching the world from the outside looking in. I'm one of those people. I haven't had a friend in about 6 years, not one friend. Not one person I can call on the phone and say "hey, how was your day, you wanna grab a bite to eat, or catch a movie?" I'm quite shy as well, and I do think people view it as being standoffish and snobby. I've been told I'm snobby or that I need to be "put in my place" when I am probably the most insecure, shy, non-threatening person alive, but many people do see me as intimidating. God only knows why. I'm just trying to survive and people begrudge me even that. But I know people are drawn to people who make them feel comfortable, valued, at ease, and appreciated. And I think it's a learning process of how to make people feel that way. Hang in there.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:17 PM   #8
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Re: Relationships with coworkers

Thanks for taking the time with me. You're a sweet person. Good luck to you too!

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:22 PM   #9
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Lightbulb Re: Relationships with coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue102
Hmmm. There was a girl in my last office who really annoyed me. She was getting married soon, and was really excited about it, so I would ask her all the time about wedding details, etc. I went out of my way to make converation about HER. I don't think I ever said a word to her about me, and she never asked.

Just wondering, do you think that you "try too hard" maybe? If this girl really annoyed you, but you still went out of your way to ask her about the details of the wedding, there is a good chance she sensed that you really were only asking her to be nice and not because you really wanted to. If you do this too often, others might catch on and notice that you are being fake. We have someone here that acts that way, and everyone talks about her behind her back. She is very phony when she talks to you, "trying to be nice" but you can totally see she doesn't want to talk to you. I always try to avoid her just so I don't have to have a phony conversation back with her.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:22 PM   #10
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Relationships with coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue102
Thanks for taking the time with me. You're a sweet person. Good luck to you too!
And thanks for the tip on the Asperger's thing. It sounds worth checking into a little more!

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:52 PM   #11
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evy38 HB User
Re: Relationships with coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue102
I post a lot of questions on these boards, I know... I've got another one, but this probably sums up all of my major problems.

I want to know if I am doing something wrong, or if everybody is just immature and bitter. Everybody!!! Yeah, right--the whole world is wrong and I'm right.

I have problems getting along with people at work sometimes. IF those people are female. I have no problems with guys. Women stand around, act like busybodies, goof off, gossip, and talk about peple behind their back. It bugs me to no end how they act. And yes, I am a chick. But I'm a chick who knows how to be professional!

I truly don't understand why these women at work never like me. They'll act like they are my best friend the first couple of months, and they'll be so nice and sweet. Then all of a sudden they'll start talking about me behind my back and making smart remarks.

I am a NICE person. I'm cheerful and get my work done and go out of my way to help people. I dress nicely and present myself well, I think. But when this happens I get so confused and think I am doing something wrong! I've been reading about these disorders, like Asperger's, where you don't have social skills, but I don't know if that's really me. Maybe I just can't read people's faces. Maybe I am silly, or don't talk enough, or don't smile enough or something. I don't know! Or maybe this happens to everybody?

I cried on the way home today because it happened again. I've been at my internship for a couple of months now, and I like it a lot. Everybody's been really sweet. But today this girl made some weird comment. Now this is somebody who I get along fine with--we even go out to lunch sometimes. To make it short, she needed a piece of paper that she didn't have and I was like "Oh it's OK, I have one at home" and she goes, "Well aren't you special." I'm like, "huh?" The other lady in the office started laughing. I was like, "I don't get it." They said, "Inside joke." I played along, and said, "You guys are making fun of me, aren't you?" They said, "Nah! We wouldn't do that. We'd tell you to your face."

I'm just so confused... this happens to me at every job I get. I can't work with women. I don't see what I'm doing wrong!

I have a tendency to think it's ME...but I'm starting to wonder if people are jealous of me. That sounds so vain and awful, I know. But I'm desperate. I mean, it's getting to the point where I just want to stay home and not work. That's what some girl said to me at my last job: "Some of us HAVE to work." I'm not trying to be awful, but it's true I'm kind of spoiled...am I letting that attitude show? Should I just pretend to have problems so that people will like me? Do people really act like that when they are jealous? I don't understand it because I am nice to everybody! Does no one in this world have any class or tact? Or is it really me that's rubbing people the wrong way?

I apologize for this long rant but I would like some insight before I go to the psych tomorrow and get my head shrunk.
Are you, by chance, an Alpha female? I find that other women aren't that fond of Alphas.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 12:56 PM   #12
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Blue102 HB User
Re: Relationships with coworkers

Lol, I don't know, but it sounds cool. Is there a test?

 
Old 04-06-2005, 01:12 PM   #13
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evy38 HB User
Re: Relationships with coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue102
Lol, I don't know, but it sounds cool. Is there a test?
Are you a "take charge" kind of girl?
Do you prefer to lead rather then follow?
Are you always right, even if only in your own mind?
THEN YOU MIGHT BE ANNNNNN Alpha!

Hang out with other alphas, they won't be intimated by you. Your co-workers aren't worth your time or your tears.
Evy

 
Old 04-06-2005, 01:19 PM   #14
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Blue102 HB User
Re: Relationships with coworkers

Yay! Well that makes me feel better anyway.

 
Old 04-06-2005, 01:37 PM   #15
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evy38 HB User
Re: Relationships with coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue102
Yay! Well that makes me feel better anyway.
That's our job, here.

 
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