My bf is too affectionate with others - Relationship Health Message Board

tiggie · 04-14-2005, 05:42 AM

I feel my bf is too affectionate with other women. I'm unfortunately quite insecure and jealous by nature and this doesn't sit well with me. He likes to be almost like a knight in shining armour to other women. He'll do things like buy a little pressie for the stranger who made a good speech ( giving her a whopping big kiss and hug at the same time, while sneaking the present into her hands).
He'll stroke someone's hair if he's feeling particularly warm towards someone, he'll pay his female work colleague a visit at hospital ( after a female operation) and buy her flowers, separate from the "work' ones. He's "led" 2 other females on before getting involved with me. Both times he said he was just being "nice and friendly", and they both thought he was interested in them and were very upset when he wasn't. I've tried saying that maybe others may misread his intentions and he says that's their problem not his.
I don't doubt he loves me. He tells me often and is very good to me but he's very good to every other female as well.
He's told me he won't stop being a loving, caring attentive guy, but I worry that he has no boundaries and will get carried away in his moments of affection for somebody else. I know that his female work partner has feelings for him ( he told me and I've sensed her jealousy of me)
Am I being silly?
Thanks

kdes · 04-14-2005, 06:26 AM

Hi

I dont think you are being silly. You just on guard and thats good. Maybe try and speak to him about this, tell him what you are feeling. In a relationship one should be able to talk about anything. This kind of thing gets to anyone. If you dont see any bad signs then you should be fine. Try not worry to much. But at the same time keep a eye open for any signs.

I wish you the best!

desertdweller · 04-14-2005, 07:04 AM

My exhusband was like this ( it's not why we divorced). It was because he came from a very affectionate family and he was taught to treat women like godesses. It's a good thing. For me, I decided to buck-up and realize it was my own insecurity issue. Afterall, he was treating me like a queen too! Yes, sometimes I would get tired of his women coworkers going on and on at the Christmas party about what a WONDERFUL and CARING husband I had. Sure, they didn't know him behind closed doors. MANY times a female coworker would develop a crush on him because he would aways compliment them and shower them with kindness. The main thing that kept me from getting jealous is he always talked about me to other people. He'd tell them what a wonderful, beautiful wife he had , etc. I think this was important in balancing things for me.
If your bf has lead women to confusion on his attention before, and he did eventually have to set them straight, it is obvious his kindness is sincerely platonic. My advice is try not to get jealous. Try to become friends with all of his friends and coworkers so they know you are a strong part of his life.
I actually became bestfriends with one of my ex's coworkers that had a mad crush on him for a while. Before I knew her, she would call him all the time ( she was going through a divorce at the time). He would stay after work to talk, or help her move. I could of got jealous, but I decided to invite her over for dinner instead. We hit it off right away and we are still very good friends eventhough my marriage ended eventually.

Ruth6:11 · 04-14-2005, 07:09 AM

I think that you have a choice!

You can accept that you are jealous & insecure and may never be able to change that. And you accept that your boyfriend is an ultra-friendly guy.
If there is trust you can learn to deal with it (NOT by discussing over and over with him by the way - come here and discuss it!)

or

You can decide that this is going to be impossible to deal with over time because we all know we can never change another person's behavior. Only they can do that. It comes down to imagining living with 50 yrs of his brand of being friendly.

Only you know yourself well enough to know if you can deal with this - if you can't, it doesn't mean you don't love him, just that he's not the right guy for a lifetime...

Ninispjc · 04-14-2005, 01:03 PM

First, if I may say, being so "kind" to women that they think he's romantically interested then when their hearts get broken he says that's their problem, not his, that doesn't sound particularly nice to me. It actually sounds sort of heartless and selfish. Plus, if he behaves this way with the wrong woman in the wrong situation, he could leave himselft open to a sexual harrassment lawsuit. I know if a guy at work kissed me and stroked my hair uninvited, and I were not romantically interested in him, I'd think he was putting moves on me and I would take some sort of measure to make it stop. That is inappropriate behavior in most work environments.

It's a shame he doesn't seem willing to take these things into consideration, so in that case, I think Ruth's right. Your only choice is to decide if you can tolerate being in a relationship with a guy like this for life.