Alright I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months now! Well in the past month he has changed in his actions, he has become quite jealous when i talk to other guys. I have been wanting to go to the park with my friend Jack to swing & talk but my bf doesn't want me to, he says I need to learn to be by myself once in a while when going places because & these are my bfs exact words "im not always gonna be there" but I just want company even though his intentions are good. He has gotten mad because I haven't done what he wants me to do sex wise ( I am unexperienced & everything we do is new, We were BOTH virgins so everything was new to him to ) He just expects too much from me & he's admitted that he does & that he shouldn't but he does anyway. I can tell him no about something because I'm nervous & he begs until I finally cave in or he makes me cooperate. He is very possesive of me lately also, he tells me to do something & expects me to obey & I do because I don't want to disappoint or lose him. He has started being a bit mean, I'll hold his hand then he'll squeeze it really hard & twist my wrist or arm. I'll just be playing with him then he'll start poking me in the stomach a bit hard, hit my hand & today my nose. I asked him why hes been mean lately & he says it a test to see how much I can stand him doing to me & if i stay. I just smile when he does those things to me to try & show him that no matter what he does I'll never leave him. I know this seems like an unhealthy relation but I like to think it is because he's a sweetheart when he's not doing those things. I had a major migrane while we were playing around outside school after it let out & he sat down & let me lay my head on his stomach because i was feeling bad, He makes sure noone hurts me & he cares so much. After he had done his "test" for today he let me curl up & rest on him & he said how he loves me & rubbed me gently. He may seem mean because of some things that hes done but hes the sweetest guy I know, He plays games with me, trys to cheers me up when I'm sad & cares about how i feel & if it seems like I'm sad about something he'll ask what it is. I could go on about how sweet he is. He is the only guy that could ever put up with me, he's had so much patience with me, he puts up with me when I'm not acting my age. It is true when I say he is the only guy that has enough patience to put up with me, I've asked all my guy friends & his & they said they couldn't. He is amazed that I haven't left him because of how mean he's been lately but I worry about him being the one to leave me. He can say that he's leaving me & I'll hold on to him arm because I fear he really is going to & he tells me that he's not & that I need to quit over reacting about it but I can't seem to. I just couldn't think of leaving him no matter how mean he is to me, he just means so much that I don't know what I would do without him. He is 18 & I'm 4 years younger than him, Just so you know.
I'm curious about what you all think about my relationship
You're still kind of young yet, you have a lot to look forward to. You may find your true love when you're 20. I've been with my bf for 4 yrs (I'm 19 now) and I just found a new man who I think is the right one just a month ago. I had a relationship with a guy when I was 14, it didn't last a year, but I thought he was the one for me and I loved him to death. When we broke up I cried forever, I still think of him, but I moved on. You just have to listen to your heart and destiny will carry on.
You Are In An Abusive Relationship. The Abuse From Him Will Continue To Get Worse And He Will Become More Controlling As Time Goes On. Get Out Now Before It Gets Any Worse. He Is Hurting You By What He Is Doing. No One Has The Right To Hurt Another Person. Please, Please, Look Up The Telephone Number For Battered Women And Talk To Someone. You can also look up physical and emotional abuse online and read about it.
I Guarantee You It Will Get Worse. You Need To Break Up With Him. Please Tell Your Friends, A Teacher You Trust, And Hopefully Your Parents What He Is Doing To You.
Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 04-19-2005 at 07:55 PM.
I wouldn't call it abusive because he hasn't done anything that caused physical harm, when he hits me he doesn't do it hard the only thing that causes a little pain is when I'm holding his hand & he squeezes it, my friends know what he does, they're usually around when I'm with him unless hes over when we don't have school but he is very sweet when hes over, but he doesn't mean to cause anything bad to happen to me so i don't look at it as serious I just think its odd how hes acted
Ichi,
I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you leave him. What he is doing to you is abusive, and you don't deserve it. You are a good person, and he has no right to treat you badly. When I first started to read this, a BIG red flag went up immediately.
For your own wellbeing, please strongly consider leaving your current boyfriend. You don't deserve to be hit, no matter how soft it is.
Two words: CONTROL FREAK
Also, call me old fashioned, but 14 yr old is too young to be dating an 18 yr old. My mother woulda flipped out. I'd dump him.
honey youre too young to be putting up with control from an older man and that just may be why he is with you (easy to control) love can be said but its supposed to be shown more and what i see is emotional abuse. think: if you have to come to this forum to ask about something you know isn't right than you know deep down he isn't right for you. i would just mention telling him you guys make better friends.. and abuse doesn't have to be physical but from what youre saying,,it looks like it's headed that way.. goood luck hun
You are 14, I know you don't want to hear this, but number one- this boy is not for you. He is possesive, jealous, manipulating, and abusive.
I'm 28 years old and didn't lose my virginity until I was 21! You are very young and you probably don't even know everything you need to about sex. I would advise you to stop seeing this boy for your own good. You have friends and it sounds to me like he is trying to keep you from the things you should be doing at this age! He is further advanced then you and if was ready to lose his virginity shame on him for choosing a 14 year old to do that with.
I hope you are also aware of the fact that he can go to jail....I think it is called sexual corruption of a minor.....
Anyway I think you are headed down the wrong path with this guy. Tell me something, what do your parents think of him?
"I can tell him no about something because I'm nervous & he begs until I finally cave in or he makes me cooperate. He is very possesive of me lately also, he tells me to do something & expects me to obey & I do because I don't want to disappoint or lose him. He has started being a bit mean, I'll hold his hand then he'll squeeze it really hard & twist my wrist or arm. I'll just be playing with him then he'll start poking me in the stomach a bit hard, hit my hand & today my nose. I asked him why hes been mean lately & he says it a test to see how much I can stand him doing to me & if i stay."
THis is emotional abuse, plain and simple. A man does NOT have to ball up his fist and hit you and leave marks on you in order to abuse you!! I really don't like the statement you made, that he "makes" you cooperate. First of all, no one MAKES you cooperate. You either do something because you are ready willing and able to do it, that is cooperation, or the person makes you do it, which is COERSION, or force. NO ONE MAKES you cooperate, ok?
This "testing " of his, I'm not going to mince words here, it's sick. It's cruel, manipulative, controlling, and very unhealthy.
Whether you realize it or not, this guy is hurting you. He's controlling you, making you give up friends, chipping away at your self esteem and sense of self worth. Sure, he's sweet every now and again, but trust me, in the long run, it won't be worth the damage he's doing to your emotional health. You have the right to refuse to do anything sexual that you don't want to do. You have the right to hold your boyfriend's hand without having to endure him twisting your arm and hurting you to see if you'll leave him! You have the right to go out with your friends. This guy is bad bad news. You're so young and inexperienced you can't even see it. I just hope you will listen to us here and that you won't have to learn it all the hard way.
And by the way, him having sex with you is illegal. You're 14, he's a legal adult. That's called statutory rape, meaning the law doesn't consider you old enough to consent to having sex with an adult, and he is taking advantage of you. And the way he is treating you is why this law exists. You're too young to know you're being abused and hurt. HIs "testing" you by inflicting physical pain and his trying to dictate who you can and can't see and when, AND his forcing you into sexual acts against your will, this is all totally unacceptable.
I appreciate & respect all of your opinions , but I don't think hes abusive. Hes just acted different since the 12th of this month, I had made him quite mad because of how I acted because I didn't want to be alone after school so I tried to make him stay but I over reacted way to much while trying to, & he hasn't been the same since then but on the 16th when he picked me up for prom at 6 to the time he brought me home at 2 am he was a sweet heart & made sure I wasn't cold, ect I was the cause of how he's acted since then because of my actions & now he's been trying to teach me how to be alone once in a while. He hasn't stopped me from talking to my friends he'll even talk with them to, he just isn't much on jack going with me because his reason is that I need to learn to be by myself once in a while. Nini you do have a point about cooperating but your partially right, most of the time I cooperate willingly but sometimes he will make me when I don't want to such as threating to leave me so I do something when I didn't want. He hasn't done that much though just about 3 times total. He hasn't done anything that has caused a mark on me, it just hurts for a second, he's NEVER hit me hard such as punching me, slapping, kicking, hair pulling, ect the only thing that has really hurt a bit was when poked in my stomach but that only happened once. he's not mean, He has NEVER verbally abused me he's just a sweetheart & watches out for me & will hurt anyone that trys to hurt me, he plays silly games with me, & just cuddles with me in class ( he's a senior but our school has testing & he is signed up to my room with me & my friends everyday this week from 11:30 until 3 when school ends. He stays after with me each day when I want him to & doesn't leave until I do. I know by how he's been acting since the 12th makes him seem abuive but before then he was the sweetest guy you would ever meet. About the sex, I do know he could get in trouble & he knows that too, but we did stay on the safe side, he didn't force me to do that with him, he always told me that he would wait for me & until I was ready & I just guess I thought I was ready to & I don't have any regrets about doing that with him especially since he was a virgin too & I just have the feeling hes the one. I know I'm very young at the age of 14 but I do have some experience about these things, I do know when someone I'm with doesn't care about me truly, I've had only 3 bf (one of my best friends, guy that didn't care & my current bf) Well my 2nd one didn't care about how I felt at all, I felt bad one day & wanted to lay my head on his shoulder & he just scooted away then all he wanted was to see my body which I didn't like him always asking about it & then one night on Nov 22nd my current bf said the sweetest things in the would & it made me cry. He had told me that it was hard to love someone as much as he loved me & not be able to have them, many other sweet things & that exact day I broke it off with my other bf to be with the one i have now. Everyone has said to just leave him but I couldn't no matter how hard I try because he means so much to me. I know it seems I wouldn't know much about love at 14 but I do & I know if things got to a certain point such as being punched then I would have to leave him immediatly but things aren't that bad. My parenst do like him, my mom does any way because shes met him before & thought he was sweet & she listens about what happens with me & him but my dad could care less I've told them my nickname for my bf many times & only my mom has listened to me about him. He has given me cute gifts for christmas (stuffed wolf) valentines day (bear, rottweiler stuffed animal, & fiberoptic musical bear & for easter he got me the most beautiful heart necklace & a stuffed bunny. The only time he's the slightest bit mean is when he's in school but in the the after testing class & when were outside of the school he'll hug & kiss on me & in the class he'll let me fall asleep on him.
I am going to have a talk with him about how he's been acting later tonight & see if I can't get to the bottom of it & put a stop to it. Since he hasn't been that way for long it should be easy to solve, I'm hoping anyway
Nini you do have a point about cooperating but your partially right, most of the time I cooperate willingly but sometimes he will make me when I don't want to such as threating to leave me so I do something when I didn't want. He hasn't done that much though just about 3 times total. He hasn't done anything that has caused a mark on me, it just hurts for a second, he's NEVER hit me hard such as punching me, slapping, kicking, hair pulling, ect the only thing that has really hurt a bit was when poked in my stomach but that only happened once. he's not mean,
When you get older, you'll realize that "do this or I'll leave and find someone who will" IS verbal abuse. It's a way of subtly using your love for him to manipulate you into doing things you don't really want to do in order to hang onto him. It's taking advantage, and one time is one time too many.
I hope when you get older, you'll learn to respect yourself enough to not tolerate anyone inflicting any kind of pain on you, even if it is "only for a second." Like I said, a man does NOT have to punch, hit slap or kick you in order to abuse you. All he has to do is deliberately inflict physical or emotional pain on you or use your feelings or insecurities to manipulate you. That's all abuse is. And I'm sorry, slice it any way you want to, but poking someone in the stomach or twisting their arm to see how much they will take to make sure they won't leave you, is not only mean, but unhealthy. When you get to be my age, I hope you'll be able to see that. But I hope it doesn't take you that long.
When you get older, you'll realize that "do this or I'll leave and find someone who will" IS verbal abuse. It's a way of subtly using your love for him to manipulate you into doing things you don't really want to do in order to hang onto him. It's taking advantage, and one time is one time too many.
I hope when you get older, you'll learn to respect yourself enough to not tolerate anyone inflicting any kind of pain on you, even if it is "only for a second." Like I said, a man does NOT have to punch, hit slap or kick you in order to abuse you. All he has to do is deliberately inflict physical or emotional pain on you or use your feelings or insecurities to manipulate you. That's all abuse is. And I'm sorry, slice it any way you want to, but poking someone in the stomach or twisting their arm to see how much they will take to make sure they won't leave you, is not only mean, but unhealthy. When you get to be my age, I hope you'll be able to see that. But I hope it doesn't take you that long.
EVERYTHING NINI HAS SAID IS COMPLETELY CORRECT. ALL ABUSIVE MEN START OUT NICE. THEY COULD NEVER GET A GIRL IF THEY WERE NOT NICE IN THE BEGINNING. ALSO, IT IT A TYPICAL PATTERN OF ABUSE TO BE ABUSIVE AND THEN ACT LIKE MR. CHARMING ABAIN. IT KEEPS THE WOMAN CONFUSED AND CONVINCED THAT THE GUY REALLY CARES ABOUT HER.
WHAT HE IS DOING TO YOU IS 100 PERCENT ABUSIVE AND IT WILL CONTINUE TO GET WORSE AS TIME GOES ON, MAKING IT EVEN HARDER FOR YOU TO BREAK UP WITH HIM IN THE FUTURE OUT OF FEAR.
LOOK UP ABUSE ON THE WEB AND START READING ABOUT IT.
Tell me honey, how is your parent's relationship? How does your dad treat your mom? Does he ever yell at her, or say hurtful things to her? What about your boyfriend's parents? Have you spent time in their house?
I know several people that were in abusive relationhips, and I can assure you the abuse started out like this. Your boyfriend needs serious help.
PLEASE GO TALK TO YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR AT SCHOOL OR A TEACHER YOU REALLY LIKE AND TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON.
A GOOD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS ONE IN WHICH BEING WITH THE OTHER PERSON IS FUN AND DOES NOT CAUSE YOU ANY EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL PAIN. HE DOES NOT HAVE TO MAKE A FIST FOR IT TO BE PHYSICAL ABUSE. EVEN PUSHING, OR SHOVING IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.
LOOK IT UP ON THE WEB AND TALK TO SOMEONE AT SCHOOL TOMORROW PLEASE!!!
Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 04-20-2005 at 03:38 PM.
My parents don't really do much with eachother but watch tv together once in a while & if dad isn't watching tv with her he's usually on his computer or asleep. My boyfriends parents get along fine with eachother & I have been to his house a few times
Well, I think in this case, the words AMEN NINI can't be said enough times, so I'm going to say it again - AMEN, NINI!!!
And if I may say in regards to your 'nobody else will put up with me' and 'he puts up with me when I don't act my age' - the fact is, at 14 there is no 'acting your age'. I don't know about the other girls here, but am quite certain it would be within the same time frame, but 14 was a very curcial age for me. It was the exact age where I began going thru the biggest changes in regards to who I was. It was when I encountered many new feelings/thoughts that had never been there before. 14 is right in the middle of being pulled away from childhood and into adulthood at the same time, there simply is no acting a certain way at this time, in my opinion.
I would think even most 14 yr olds would agree that they have not developed into the person they will become at this age. So how can you say no one else will put up with you when you haven't fully deveopled into you, yet?
[COLOR=DarkOrchid]he has become quite jealous when i talk to other guys...my bf doesn't want me to, he says I need to learn to be by myself...He has gotten mad because I haven't done what he wants me to do sex wise...I can tell him no about something because I'm nervous & he begs until I finally cave in or he makes me cooperate. He is very possesive of me lately also, he tells me to do something & expects me to obey & I do because I don't want to disappoint or lose him. He has started being a bit mean, I'll hold his hand then he'll squeeze it really hard & twist my wrist or arm. I'll just be playing with him then he'll start poking me in the stomach a bit hard, hit my hand & today my nose. I asked him why hes been mean lately & he says it a test to see how much I can stand him doing to me & if i stay.
He is the only guy that could ever put up with me...he can say that he's leaving me & I'll hold on to him arm because I fear he really is going to & he tells me that he's not & that I need to quit over reacting about it but I can't seem to.
I completely agree with all the responses you've gotten so far, especially Nini's. Please step back a minute and consider why your family, friends, and a group of strangers are all giving you the exact same advice...we're not all involved in some conspiracy to keep you away from a wonderful man who treats you like a queen; we're just concerned about your well-being. Despite all his good qualities and sweet behavior, many of your BF's actions are either abusive or classic warning signs of abuse (like jealousy, expecting you to obey him and do everything he says and wants from you, manipulating your emotions by threatening to leave, "testing" you by hurting you physically or verbally, etc.). Men who abuse or manipulate women in ANY way are deeply insecure. They fear that the woman they are with is much too good for them, and so they work on systematically wearing away her self-esteem until she believes that no other man would want her and therefore won't leave. I'm not saying these thoughts are always conscious, but a man who is secure deep down and values himself will not feel the need to abuse and control his girlfriend. A lot of times insecure and abusive men go after women they identify as vulnerable (because of low self-esteem, inexperience/youth, unstable financial/family/living situations, etc.) because they will be easier to control and manipulate. When he's "testing" you, your boyfriend is feeling insecure and wanting to reassure himself that you'll stay with him no matter how badly he behaves. And of course, the worse he treats you, the poorer the treatment you'll come to think you deserve (especially since this is your first serious relationship and you have no one to compare him to), and the worse treatment you'll therefore be willing to accept.
This is why abusive relationships always follow a very similar pattern: at first the guy is charming, sweet, and overwhelms the woman with his loving devotion. Then he begins to get possessive, jealous, and controlling--telling you who you can hang out with, being suspicious of your male friends, basically wanting to control you because his insecurities are telling him that if he doesn't, you'll realize that deserve better, just as he fears, and leave. Eventually, this escalates into emotional and often physical and/or sexual abuse as well...while you aren't at that stage yet (though I would argue that his sexual manipulation and coercion, in addition to his having sex with someone your age at all, amounts to rape) that doesn't mean that you're involved in a healthy relationship. There are numerous red flags in his recent behavior, and just because he isn't always like that or hasn't been like that from the start doesn't mean that his inappropriate actions toward you won't escalate, as they almost inevitably do with guys who behave toward women like your BF does toward you. If anything, the fact that his possessiveness and meanness to you has developed so recently is alarming and suggests that his behavior could escalate quickly into serious abuse. Again, I'm really sorry to say this and sorry that you're in this situation, but everyone is really just concerned for you because of the warning signs your BF has demonstrated and wants to make sure you realize what's going on (and what could happen in the future) before you get even more deeply involved with him and put yourself at even greater risk for abuse.
I remember what it was like to be a teenager and in love--it feels like no one could possibly understand how strongly you feel or see how wonderful and unique your relationship is. Everything that happens with your first love feels magical and indescribably wonderful, because it's all new and exciting. That can also be dangerous though, as your lack of experience can cause you to overlook disturbing behavior that would immediately alarm an older woman. As you gain more life experience, you'll see that your feelings aren't always the best indicator of what's really going on and don't always steer you toward what's in your best interest. At this point, you lack enough experience with relationships and love to be able to evaluate your relationship objectively in comparison with what a healthy relationship should be: no boyfriend should ever be mean, possessive, controlling, tell you what you can and can't do, or feel the need to test the strength of your love and commitment to him. Unfortunately, men who mistreat women generally target women who don't have enough positive experiences with healthy relationships to recognize the red flags before a guy's bad behavior escalates into actual abuse...
Please, please consider what we're saying very carefully, because we only want to look out for you and make sure you don't have painful lessons about love the hard way rather than benefit from the wise advice of women who have experienced unhealthy and/or abusive relationships. Because you love him, naturally and understandably you want to see only good in him and focus on his sweet behavior. The red flags he's demonstrating don't disturb or scare you yet because everything you're experiencing with him is brand new for you. Also, hopefully you don't have the experience with domestic abuse to recognize the pattern that abusive relationships tend to follow as the abuse escalates. But trust us, please: getting angry if you aren't interested in performing certain sexual acts with him, begging until you give in, forcing you to go along with what he wants, or making you feel guilty for not going along with everything he wants sexually is completely unacceptable and quite disturbing. It's bad enough that he's having sex with a 14 year old former virgin who is legally unable to consent (by the way, you seem to be under the impression that because you went along with it, you guys "were on the safe side" when you had sex, but that makes no difference--it's still statutory rape and he still would go to jail if caught), but to coerce and manipulate you into sexual acts you don't really want to do is abhorrent. You are not his property to control and obey, and the fact that he coerces you into doing things you don't want out of fear of losing him is a clear-cut example of emotional (not to mention sexual) abuse.
Please understand that even the most cruel and abusive men are sometimes incredibly sweet; it's part of the cycle of abuse that traps both partners. None of the sweet things your boyfriend does excuse or make up for his abusive behavior, no matter what you do. He's already manipulated you into believing that he wouldn't need to ever be mean if you didn't force him into it by somehow provoking him. That's just completely untrue! It makes me angry at him and sad for you that he's managed to get you thinking that no other guy would put up with you--that's crazy, you're only 14 and clearly a wonderful girl; this is far from your only chance at love! Your BF's behavior is scarily typical of abusive men: he's sweet enough to make you love him and want to stay, but otherwise he's completely manipulative and controlling. His insecurity and fear that you'll leave has prompted him to twist everything around and make you worry that he'll leave you if you don't accept and go along with everything he wants. That's controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Threatening to leave so you'll beg him to stay and live in fear of losing him by somehow displeasing him, telling you where you can go and who you can hang out with, coercing you into having sex when you don't really want to--these are all classic early signs of abuse, and unfortunately, they almost always escalate into more and more severe physical abuse unless the woman finds the strength to leave. I truly hope that for your own emotional and physical well-being, you take the advice of caring people with enough life experience to see your situation objectively and end the relationship before his behavior escalates any further. I would hate to see such a sweet young girl be forever altered by an early experience with a manipulative abuser...this could not only affect your current state of mind and safety, but permanently affect your future decisions about men and relationships if your first real experience with love is tarnished by abuse. Sweetie, you deserve a man who treats you like an angel, gently and sweetly, without manipulating or controlling you in any way. Please listen to what everyone is telling you and trust that we all only have your best interests at heart. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out wonderfully for you...
I found out why he was hitting me & being mean, he said it was his way of trying to have me not learn the reason why he broke up with me today. He had done that to try & make me leave on my own so I wouldn't be hurt by the real reason he told me today
He broke up with me today, I still love him to death & I don't think I'll be able to get over him because hes so special. He did it because he had gone to an exes on sunday & he had held & hugged her (his friend kyle had been wanting him to get rid of me & back to her) & he knows what he did was wrong & he's shocked I still love him after that. We won't be getting back together unfortuantly because he doesn't want to but he's told me that the time with me wasn't a waste & he's sorry for what he did. I will miss everything I used to do with him such as kissing & holding hands ; - ; I'll be depressed for quite a while -curls up- Sad thing is though tomorrow would have been out 5 month anniversary. I'm just hoping I will have a chance to get him back in later years because I just don't want to let go
I found out why he was hitting me & being mean, he said it was his way of trying to have me not learn the reason why he broke up with me today. He had done that to try & make me leave on my own so I wouldn't be hurt by the real reason he told me today
Please tell me you are kidding me???? This was the LAMEST reason anyone has ever given someone for physically abusing him. I think you need help, especially to think that if he wanted you back you would go w/him. He is sick in the head and I really think you should get some professional help and work on building your self esteem back up.
What do you think of my relation? 
Re: What do you think of my relation? 
Re: What do you think of my relation? 
