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Old 04-26-2005, 06:00 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 4
Casman HB User
What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

I'm not really sure where to start, because there are so many little things involved.

My wife and I have been married now for a little over 3 years. We still love each other very much, but it seems like things have sort of gotten "stagnant" (for lack of a better word).

I know part of the problem is, each of us not really wanting to compromise much at all, among other things. And that we are sort of stuck (for financial reasons at the moment) living in the same house with my parents, although we do have a few rooms to ourselves.

It seems that all, or most of the passion has more or less fallen by the wayside. Not that it is completely gone,
just that it does seem to have slipped away some, and we can never agree on when or what we need to do about it.

The thing about it is, the many "little things" involved, as I have said.
She has been diagnosed with some personality disorders and is in treatment for it.
(depression and obsessive, compulsive personality, I believe is the diagnosis)
I know, and understand that this is some of the issue as well, at least at the moment.

Also, we are in the process of trying to get her permanent residency conditions removed.
(We met on the internet, and she is originally from Denmark)

We are financially, ....umm... not at a good place at the moment. Not extremely bad, just not real good.
We would like to put on an addition to the present house, so that we have more of our own space, and privacy,
but this is just not going to happen soon enough, due to many other reasons.

She also has had a lot of problems (personal conflicts I guess you might say) within her family lately, that have also added to her depression, and to our list of little problems.

With all this stated above, and the little things between us, it is really making it hard for us to actually build on, or even maintain our relationship properly.

She will sit at the computer for hours on end, talking to other people with similar problems, in a chat room, which I think is somewhat of a good idea, but then again, that also has had "some" impact as well, on our relationship,
as she more or less sits in her own little world, while I sit 5 feet away, almost as if I weren't even there sometimes.

And she almost always goes to bed 2-4 hours after I do, so that puts a big "damper" on any kind of physical relationship,
such as sex, or for that matter, even just snuggling for a little bit and talking before we go to sleep.

I have to admit also that, I too, sit at my computer, for hours working on things, somewhat oblivious to her existence as well.
We do talk back and forth somewhat while at out computers, but obviously, it is not nearly enough. And this has gone on far too long.

The first 3 months we were together, there were no problem at all with any of this.
I went to stay with her in Denmark for those 3 months while we got all the paperwork taken care of, and got all of her affairs there sewn up for her to move here.
While there, we had a great relationship. The physical, and emotional contact was there. We would sit on the couch watching TV while
holding each other. We would cook together almost every night. I would get up with her in the mornings at 5 am just to be with
her for those few minutes before she had to leave for work for the day. We had a fairly active sex life. Most of the time
the sex was before bed, but not always. It was more spontaneous, and a lot of times, she was even the one to initiate it.
And often we would have an encounter 2, maybe 3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. It wasn't really an issue.

This all changed almost immediately, once we got here and settled in. Not drastically, but very noticeably, and continually
declining. To the point where now, we have had sex approximately 4 times this year, and usually it seemed as though it was just
a matter of her appeasing me, not that she necessarily wanted to. And usually not until after 2 am, when she comes to bed after
I have already been on bed for a while.
When I bring up the issue of sex, there always seems to be some sort of "excuse", even after that particular "excuse" is put to rest,

another arises. It's gotten to the point to where I basically just "suffer" silently, until she decides we should make love,
or she thinks I'm going to explode or something, and I'm almost afraid to even bring it up anymore, for fear of rejection,
and what other excuse may come up, or that it will just upset her.

I know there are many more things involved in a relationship than just the sex, and I can deal with that, and I want to work on all
the other things to help her, and us to get through all of this. But the thing is, the sex, physical contact, and intimacy is a very
important part of it to me also. And this is where a lot of things stem from, in my opinion, or at least on my side of it I guess.

Even the "little" things have kind of slowly disappeared. You know, the silly little couples things that everyone has.
Such as, "I'm the lucky one", "No, I'm the lucky one". "You are beautiful", "You're more beautiful", "I Love You", "I Love You More".
The little "sneak a kiss on the way by at work" (we also work together when we are scheduled that way) All the little subtle things
that I guess I took for granted, I seriously miss. She doesn't even really seem to want me to touch her much anymore, nor does she make
much of an attempt at touching me, or any of the little daily validations that were until recently, very common to us.
Most of this has just recently slowed/stopped, and this is what finally hit me that things are a bit worse than I had actually thought.
I didn't realize how much all of those little things meant to me, and our relationship, and how secure and loved they made me feel,
until it all stopped.

And now, this has created a new problem (at least for me anyway). I never had to worry about feeling jealous, or insecure about our
relationship until now. When we first met, she was very flirtatious, talked to LOTS of different people, spent hours in chats
and such, and even did so after we were married. That is part of what attracted me to her in the first place. Since I have always
been sort of shy to approach women, and very insecure about myself, her personality, openness, flirting, and such, although
sometimes made me a little uncomfortable, it was very exhilarating and a welcome change in my life, making me feel more confident
and a bit better about myself. And none of this even bothered me because of those little "securities", confirmations and daily
validations between us.

But now that these little things have all but stopped for the most part, I am once again feeling very insecure about us, and myself.
I find myself feeling very suspicious about little things that I know are stupid to even let bother me. Like her staying up till
all hours of the night chatting with people. And her wanting to take a small vacation alone, just to gather her thoughts, and find
out exactly what her expectations are and such.

I do think that it might be a good idea for her to take this little trip, to have some time to herself, and I want her to. Especially
if there is a chance that it may help her, and our relationship out. But I just can't seem to "not" worry about there being some
other underlying reason for it, or that it may make her drift further away from me, or any other possible outcome that is not
directly related to a resolution for her and "us". Also, I am very VERY uncomfortable with her actually taking this trip too.
Especially since one of the people she chats with is another guy. Not that I don't trust her, but I just can't get past my own
insecurities about the situation at the moment, and everything else I am feeling.
With all this other stuff going on, I just don't feel good about it at all.
I am afraid to even mention my uneasiness about it to her again. I know I will be completely paranoid the whole time she is gone.

I can understand when she says, she feels trapped, or caged because of the lack of complete privacy. I can also understand,
to some extent, the depression having somewhat of an affect on how she reacts to me, and us in general. I can even understand her
anxieties and worries about our upcoming interview with the Immigration procedures. But I am just not sure what to do, or how I
should react to all of this in order to maintain or rebuild our relationship to what we had before she moved here, or at least back
to a similar state that we can work with.
We have discussed it many times, so we are both aware, to some extent, what the other feels they are lacking, but once we discuss it,
that's usually about all the further it ever goes. It doesn't really ever seem like we attempt to do much afterwards to resolve all
of the issues we have just discussed. We are both equally guilty of this too.

We seem to shut each other out when it comes to these little needs, almost as if we are exacting revenge on one another, so to speak.
Like, "If you don't give me what I want/need, I won't give you what you want/need either". So it seems like we are in a vicious circle
the takes us nowhere, and produces even less constructive results.

We don't really fight about anything, and almost always get along very good, even when we have our little "disagreements".
But it seems like we have kind of shut each other out for so long, that we have grown accustomed to things being this way, and now that
we both have finally realized what we are actually doing to each other, (more so me realizing what I have been doing for quite sometime)
and our relationship, we don't even really know what to do to change it.

I want us to happily grow old together, and I'm pretty sure she does also. We just need to figure out how to get past all of these
little things, and move on to enjoying our life together.

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Old 04-26-2005, 07:23 AM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 323
boxgirl73 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

have you ever talked to her about all of this? Come clean and display your feelings.....? She may have some issues as well. The first step to take is to definitely voice your concerns....she needs to know where you're coming from and what you're feeling.

Old 04-26-2005, 07:43 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2,451
susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

I don't know where you live now, but do you think she just married you to get out of Denmark? I know that's mean, but her behavoir pattern leads me to believe this may be true. You said things went down hill after you married and moved her out of Denmark.

Old 04-26-2005, 07:48 AM   #4
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 621
evy38 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

It is extremely hard for a woman to live with her husbands mother. I have NEVER heard of this living arrangement working out and it even ended one marrige I know of. You may find alot of these problems go away if you just move out.

Old 04-26-2005, 08:03 AM   #5
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 323
boxgirl73 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

hate to say it but that was my first thought....

Originally Posted by susieq0726
I don't know where you live now, but do you think she just married you to get out of Denmark? I know that's mean, but her behavoir pattern leads me to believe this may be true. You said things went down hill after you married and moved her out of Denmark.

Old 04-26-2005, 02:29 PM   #6
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 4
Casman HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

Thanks for the replies, they are greatly appreciated.

About the marriage being only for the convenience of her being able to move here, to Ohio, that is out of the question.

We talked it over for quite sometime before even deciding where we were going to live.
She had never even though about moving here, nor really wanted to until we made that decision. And things are much better over there actually.

I had originally offered to move there, but after we discussed all the complications,
me not speaking Danish would have a severe impact on me having much chance at all of getting anything BUT a crappy job there.
And I did already have some obligations to take care of here, when all that she really had there was her appartment, and job.

She speaks english very well, and I already had a job here, and a house, and such, so it just made more sense for us to live here.

Although, I can understand the reasons that some of you may think that was
in fact the situation, I am certain that her moving to the US, had absolutely nothing to do with the reason we got married.

We are still very much in love, and we do both want to get things straightened out, we just can't quite seem to get moving in the right direction, lol.

I believe for the most part, that the immediate decline in the intimacy and such after moving here,
is directly related to the fact that we don't really have much privacy.
And the first few times that I had brought up this subject, that in fact was
her response. It did get better for a bit, and still does now and then.
The 3 months that I was there, we had complete privacy, all the time, in her small loft.
So the relationship is not a total loss, there is hope, we just need to know
what we should, or what we need to do.

The living conditions are just not something we can change at the moment,
for several reasons, and I know that is part of the problem.

I will elaborate some on why the living conditions are as they are.
Just so you understand why we are where we are.

A few years before her and I met, I had a pretty severe injury that demanded I have surgery on my back,
which basically rendered me pretty much helpless for quite sometime.
So I had moved back in with my parents just to make things easier to get by,
and also because I could not get around much on my own.

I had no plans of getting married, so at the time, it made sense, and was convenient for all (sharing the bills and such)

Our house at the time, was in severe need of some major work, and was just
not really worth putiing any money into.

So I took some of the settlement money from my injury, and had a new house put on the property,
and had the old house torn down. In order to get the loan for the new house,
my parents had to turn over the property and such to me, so that it was in
my name (which is the way it would have ended up anyways when they pass on).
So we decided that we would live under these conditions and split up the bills to make it easier on all 3 of us.

So at the moment, this is why it is very difficult to even try to remedy that part of the situation. If her and I were to move out,
we would be leaving them stuck with ALL of the bills, and they just couldn't
cover it, and her and I do not make enough money for us to get something
on our own either.

That is the reason we want to put on a seperate addition, so that we have
our own living space and privacy. It makes the most sense for us, financially.

We discussed all of this in detail before she moved here, and we had plans
to actually remedy that particular situation.
At the time we were making these plans, I had a very good paying job, and money wasn't really going to be a problem.

Well, wouldn't you know it... the week that I was to take my vacation time,
to go over to Denmark and help her finish up all the details there, I get the
word that I am being temporarily laid off.

That was not a big problem at the time, because it was "supposedly" only going to be a few months, "at the most".

So we took this as a "god send" that I would actually be able to take a bit more time off to be there with her to take care of the rest of the stuff.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be a permanent lay off, the company downsized, and some positions were removed (mine of which was one).

That is also part of why we are still in this financial situation at the moment.
I spent a LOT of money taking the trip over there, and left a lot here to take care of my bills while I was gone for those 3 months
(with nothing but unemployment as income), and still have yet to completely recover from that as well.

We live pretty much in the "boonies", and there aren't really any good jobs around, so we are just trying to get by at the moment,
while trying catch up on the hole I ended up digging in order to get her here.

So I hope you can see the situation at hand presently, that keeps us where we are.

Old 04-26-2005, 02:44 PM   #7
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,776
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

I think living with the parents thing is definitely putting a strain on your relationship, mostly because you said everything was pretty much okay until you moved in with the parents. This type of situation almost always never works out well. She may secretly resent the fact that you are living with your parents.

Also, I think it is strange that she never wants sex anymore. This is definitely a "red flag" because she did initially want sex more often. I don't think I would be in chat rooms and flirting all the time online if I had a loving partner at home. It just doesn't make sense.

If I were you (I know this sounds silly), but you might have her followed for awhile to see where she goes. It sounds to me like she might be having an affair. It also sounds like what the other poster stated: she may have used you as a ticket to the United States. A lot of times when we really love someone, we become oblivious to the warning signs.

Good luck!

Old 04-26-2005, 02:56 PM   #8
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 726
lisa24 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

Well, the only post I agree with here is - Have you talked to her about this? And I mean talked it ALL the way thru. Put your feelings out there, honest and straightforward and listen to all her feelings in return. Try asking HER what the two of you can do to start changing things around.

As for the little things that have changed, well start changing them back yourself.
You miss hearing the 'I love you's' - then call her up while she's at work just to say I love you.
Next time you notice yourself sitting on the computer and her sitting over on the couch - make the Choice to shut the computer off and walk over to her and sit by her. Pick up her hand and hold it.
And give it all TIME. She may initially not respond, she may need to see you are really committed to changing things and not looking for some short term satisfaction. She may be used to the way things are and not sure of how to respond initially. I say just keep trying and keep giving until she either responds back or makes it clear she isn't going to at all.

Old 04-26-2005, 03:20 PM   #9
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 391
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

Originally Posted by susieq0726
I don't know where you live now, but do you think she just married you to get out of Denmark? I know that's mean, but her behavoir pattern leads me to believe this may be true. You said things went down hill after you married and moved her out of Denmark.

I am sorry to say this as well, but her actions lead me to believe she may have married you to get a Visa to the USA. You need to bring everything out into the open. Her wanting to take a vacation "on her own" is also not a good sign. It may not be on her own, would be my first thought.
I am not going to give you my usual marital advice. My instincts are telling me that something is going on with her. Maybe she is in a relationship with someone over the internet. I smell something very fishy.
I'm sorry, I know this must hurt, but something is not right.
Also, it would be better for a couple to live in a tiny studio apartment than to live with their extended family. It is not the way to have a healthy marriage.

Old 04-26-2005, 04:47 PM   #10
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 4
Casman HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

I do have to "somewhat" agree with you greeneyes, at least as far as the point that
living with my parents is an obvious problem, but it is just something we cannot
change at the moment.

As for the affair, or following her, that is also out of the question, at least not in person.
She has no drivers license yet, and pretty much the only time she goes anywhere, is with me.
So I don't see that as being an option. Other than the possibility of a "cyber relationship", I don't really
see this as being much of a concern.
And it's not the fact that she doesn't want the sex at all anymore, just that it seems to not be a priority to her at the moment,
and she has said that she does want us to have a better sexual relationship, but I am not the most romantic guy in the world
as far as how I go about things I guess, lol, so from what she says, I really don't "put her in the mood" to well.
And with all of these other things going on, it is sort of a "soar spot" to her for me to bring up, because she feels that is the only thing I am interested in.

The chat room thing is more a way of her socializing I guess is the best way to put it, since she really has no way to go out,
and only really has one girlfriend, and most of the chatting now is in a specific room where people with the same,
or similar disorders chat about their particular mental states and ease each others stress and anxieties ect.
(it is a anxiety/social disorder type chat room, for people who have many different types of social, and mental disorders to actually
have others to talk to that are in similar situations).
She has offered me to actually join in and meet some of them when she first started going there, which I declined, but obviously should have taken her up on.
I'm sure that would have been a better choice for me to have accepted. But now I am afraid to actually make that suggestion myself,
for fear that she will think it is only because I want to "keep tabs" on her.

As I have said before, I know that it has absolutely nothing to do with her "using me as a free ticket to the US"
She never really even thought about coming here before, nor would it have made any sense for her to, when things there were so
much better for her. She had her own place, a decent job, she had the option of continuing her education at no cost, to further her career,
the economy is better there, all of her family and friends are there and so on. She would have had it way better staying there then coming here.
Actually, "we" may have even been better off if I had moved there instead, but with the circumstances I previously mentioned, we both agreed
it just made more sense for her to move here. She knew what she was up against when we made the decision to move here, so it was definitely
only for the fact of us being together that she moved here. Also, we still have yet to finalize her permanent residency, so if this was in fact the case,
why would she risk us breaking up and her being sent back to Denmark, and all of these last 3 years being spent totally in vane.

Yes we have talked about this, obviously not quite enough. That is where it seems to start getting a little sticky
(as far as all the "little" problems coming back to light as being why things are as they are).

You hit the nail on the head in your statement: "She may be used to the way things are and not sure of how to respond initially"
I know this also has a small part in it as, she did almost word for word, state that same phrase.

I have tried to slowly bring back the "little things" that have changed, but as you said, and she said, I can't expect her to "all of a sudden"
just snap out of it, back to the way it was. I have been trying to do subtle things to bring back those little validations, like on my way over to the fridge,
sneak a little kiss and an "I Love You" in on her. And make sure I tell her I love her as often as I can, without becoming annoying, or overdoing it.
Making sure I pay absolute attention to her when she mentions something to me, or asks a question, or simply begins any type of conversation.

Since we had a big discussion about this a couple nights ago, it has gotten a "tiny" bit better. I think we are both a little more conscious of the others presence,
and feelings.

I suppose that maybe we may be somewhat on the right track, and just need to give it more time to become comfortable and natural again.

The thing is, I know we need to discuss it more, but at this point, I am afraid to mention it to much, to often and make her even more upset/depressed,
and possibly even push her further away from me.

Old 04-27-2005, 05:13 AM   #11
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susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

I am sorry, but I just can't shake the feeling that she married you to get into the US. Too many weird indications. Then on top of all that, you still live with your parent's and you don't have a job. I don't think these factors are very appealing to your wife.
I can certainly sympathize with your situation, but I was also wondering if your wife gets along with your parent's? I know I couldn't live with my in-laws!
Maybe your wife had another vision of how your life would be together, and then when she moved to Ohio, things didn't appear to be what she imagined. Have you had an honest, heart-to-heart talk with her about all this?

Old 04-27-2005, 01:48 PM   #12
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 4
Casman HB User
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

Again, she did not want to come here to live, that had nothing at all to do with our decision to live here instead.
She loved her little loft and hated to give it up, and had a good job working for the postal service over there.
As I said, once we discussed all of the pros and cons of us living over there,
or over here, it just made more sense to live here, and that is all there is to that point!

Actually, my wife gets along great with my parents, even better than she does her own, to an extent.

And we do BOTH have a job now, it's just that they are not that "great" of jobs, since there really isn't very much around here out in "the boonies".

Obviously things aren't quite the way she invisioned them to be, at least this far down the road.

As I said, we discussed the living arrangement before we even decided we were
going to live here instead of in Denmark, so she was aware of how it would be.
Just that our plans to remedy this particular situation just not come about as expected due to financial difficulties that had unexpectedly arisen.

Old 04-27-2005, 08:04 PM   #13
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 391
Re: What is it that we really need to do here in order to get back on track?

If you really want your marriage to work, it would be better to sell the house and move somewhere where there are jobs and you can live independently. It is not a good situation to live with your parents. Give your parents some of the money if you need to so they can find an apartment to live in by themselves. Do not build an extension on the house. Your parents are too close for comfort to have a healthy marriage.

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 04-27-2005 at 08:04 PM.

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