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Old 05-15-2005, 07:07 PM   #1
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Draven_Hardy HB User
Embarrassed And May Sound Pathetic, But Any Words Said Would Be Appreciated...

Hey,
This is my first post and I hope its in the right place, I dont even think this problem counts enough to ask for advice, either way, since I am asking for an honest opinion, if you want to call me an idiot or pathetic, after you have read this.. go for it, Ill take no offence. I say I dont think this counts is because its somewhat of an "internet" thing. For quite a few years now, atleast 5, Ive been talking to pretty much my best friend, I cant help but to say Iam madly in love with her. Though when we first started talking it was more or less just friends having a way to stay in touch. From the first moment she admitted she loved me, I have not been in nor committed myself to anyone... though she, up til recently has been in realtionships, sexually active relationships... seven of them and as serious as some of them had become, she still talked to me and literally said that I was the one she wanted to be with, loved, etc. She always confided in me as well, with relationship problems, as much as it hurt or insulted me to hear, I never gave poor advice, I gave the best advice that I could in hopes it would get better and that she could say she was happy. I never really understood what was going through her mind to come home (from being intimate & saying she loved whoever she was dating to talking to me & saying she loves me, just couldnt exist without me, etc). Over time, I have given up alot as I look back now, recently a girl I was supposed to be introduced to (which I never met) the guy who took my place that night, got married just last week... that was a year ago or so when I wouldve met her... but feeling committed, I said I couldnt go that night. I did have one rather good date two years ago almost & when I had mentioned it, my friend got extremely upset, like I had done the worst thing to her (just hours before she was leaving for another sex date with her boyfriend at the time) and even when I had gotten my hands on a ticket to go actually move to be with her, she told me I couldnt, she was still with her last ex at the time, even though the night before I was to leave and the nights leading up to me leaving it was "I cant wait to be with you". Over the years, I guess being second for so long has really ruined my self respect, confidence... she doesnt even seem to care or notice. Though when things are getting bad in her past relationships, she acts like everything we had ever said had never been said, the thought of being dumped were basically the endtimes for her... I hate to say it, over the years, her relationships have amounted to nothing less then her being another notch in some guys bed post. Though we are now suppoesed to be getting together for the summer, she almost insults me, saying things as if we dont know each other, like "absolutely no sex, if we kiss its going to be nothing more then one on the cheek or something, no touching" (which annoys me, she should know me better... and these words suprise me since each of her relationships she was sexually active the first time [even before actually dating the guy... the first meeting]with the guy) Shes miscarried, been asked by some of her ex's to leave with him, even given promise rings, etc. which she has accepted, planning her life with whomever shes dating at the time, while she gets angry or even hurt if I even start to mention another girls name... Sometimes I feel I almost hate her or have no more desire for her, I dont know why I fell in this situation, I just think of all the years being alone, passing on good things even things that I have dreamt of having someday and I dont know how to describe the ways I really feel right now. I know this situation is my fault, Im just looking to see what help or advice Id receive... I mentioned now she is single and I guess I was always her back-up, but even said, shes a beautiful girl, many people are interested in her whether just for sexual reasons or to start a new relationship, the short time she is single she always says "I dont care what happens, Im not dating, Im waiting for you" though she slept with another ex just a couple weeks ago after her last break up, the same night she said those words again "Im waiting...." But what I hate is that, she'll start a new relationship again, soon like always, ...it doesnt even seem like what happens to me matters.

 
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Old 05-15-2005, 07:14 PM   #2
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Draven_Hardy HB User
Re: Embarrassed And May Sound Pathetic, But Any Words Said Would Be Appreciated...

*I meant have not been in a relationship nor commited myself to anyone... not "have not been in anyone" lol

 
Old 05-15-2005, 07:57 PM   #3
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V6 Jeep 4x4 HB User
Re: Embarrassed And May Sound Pathetic, But Any Words Said Would Be Appreciated...

Wow, I was in much of the same situation as you. I'm 25 (as is she) and I've known this girl since we were 16 or so. We were friends and she was always just an amazing person to me. I was never popular in High School as I was shy and overweight all my life. She was absolutely beautiful and outgoing and although we went to different schools, obviously very popular. I'd go to parties with her even though I was never invited to those at my school. I think thats why I was hung up on her for so long.

Well low and behold, I lost a ton of weight around the time I was 22 and was looking pretty darn good if I do say so myself. With that gained self confidence. We'd go to the bar and I would now approach woman. What does she do? She says, I liked it better when you were too shy to approach girls? and I'm in love with Tony (Her now fiancee) but it would devastate me too see you with another girl. At a party, we even had sex for the first time because she was worried that I was going to go home with this girl I was talking too and she couldn't take it.

We slept together a couple of times since than and every time she tells me how much she hates seeing me with other girls. She even sabotaged one of my relationships by telling her about us and that we still had something going on (Which we didn't at the time and this girl was in the same circle of friends) It took her doing that and a couple of other things(Like her asking me to cosign for her sisters car when her fiancee wouldn't even do it) to get me to realize that for whatever reason, I was being used.

I even when out with my current girlfriend for the first time on the day that she got engaged. They went to celebrate at the bar and apparently I boycotted it as a protest according to her. She couldn't fathom that I perhaps was out with a great girl having a blast rather than be at her engagement party.

She needed me as a backup and an occasional ego boost and it sounds eerily similar to your situation. My advice is to run and don't look back.

 
Old 05-15-2005, 08:13 PM   #4
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Re: Embarrassed And May Sound Pathetic, But Any Words Said Would Be Appreciated...

I'm surprised.. two guys in the same situation... I thought this kind of things only happened to girls (I'm a 23 years old girl)
Well it won't be useful at all for you if I tell you my experience about this but I will tell you how I got out of that and how I got to the conclusions.

First and foremost: I've been in the two sides of the stories and when the other one came to me and told me he was in love with me I did my best to avoid hurting him because he was my friend and I loved him. (I still do).
So to me, the first thing is: NO ONE THAT LOVES YOU WILL HURT YOU THE WAY SHE'S HURTING YOU.
Did you ever tell her how you feel about this kind of things? Didn't you ever point at her that you don't understand why she can tell you about her bfs and sexual relationships and you can't even say another girl's name?
When this friend of mine started a relationship, another girl he liked by that time (not me) declared him she wanted something serious with him... he then was in a very hard time... he asked me once "do I keep dating E or I end up this relationship even when I feel very good with her for the other girl I've been wanting for a while?"
He decided to keep with the relationship. Now they're living together.
What was I going to say about this? Well, I remember how hard it was for him to decide with wich girl to stay... and as a friend, I would have never done anything like that to him... So again, if she keeps hurting you, then she's not the great friend you think she is...

Second: When I was in the same side of the street than you are: being the one used, I took me a while and a lot of pain to realize the fact that he was only around me because it was good for his ego and because he could always count on me... any day, any time to have someone who cared around.
It was hard, specially because when something like that happens, you feel like an idiot, right? Well, if you don't get yourself out of that situation, you'll keep being the idiot for a while... until you get out.
If you don't see yourself getting anywhere with this chick, then leave and find someone better. You don't need someone like this hurting you all the time...

My advice? Tell her how you feel: USED and as a back up guy. If things don't change then you know a 100% sure that she's not a friend and she will keep hurting you for as long as you are around her. Then, as Jeep said: walk away... you won't find anyone better if you don't look beyond her...

Best wishes

S.
__________________
* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *

 
Old 05-16-2005, 06:04 AM   #5
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Re: Embarrassed And May Sound Pathetic, But Any Words Said Would Be Appreciated...

First off, let me say Im so sorry you feel so bad right now. You sound really hurt and you sound as if your self-esteem is pretty low. I personally have seen this, and (Im ashamed to admit) have been kind of in the position your friend is in with you. I get along well with guys, and especially in high school, had male friends. I usually had a boyfriend too. The guy friend usually wanted to date me, and in fear of losing his friendship, I would feign some level of interest, rationalizing that they were great guys and maybe I would "come around" to wanting to date them. These male friends were always wonderful people, and my boyfriends werent.

I never ended up in a relationship with a male best friend. Im sure they thought someday I would, but that line was never crossed. I had self-esteem issues-I dated jerks, and maybe deep down i didnt think I deserved a great guy. Your friend sounds like she has some of those issues, based on the way she carries out her relationships. I also think she is being extremely selfish and unfair to you. You should be dating and finding a girl that CAN be with you-they do exist!

I dont understand why she can be dating constantly and expects you to sit around and stay single for her. It doesnt reflect well on her character. I think at this point you are living in a bit of a fantasy world in which someday your friend comes around and says "I am in love with you and Im here to be with you now". I think if you felt better about yourself, you would be able to move on from this, but right now you sound kind of unsure...

In short, I think she is using you for the emotional support she isnt receiving from her boyfriends. It is unfair to you and as long as you allow it, she will continue to use you in this manner. I think the relationship with her will most likely never progress to anything more. This relationship will do nothing but wear away at your self-esteem and prevent you from finding someone who wants to be with you. I hope in time you will be able to create boundaries with this girl (if you cant just cut it off entirely) and move on with your life. You said that she doesnt even seem to care about what she is doing to you--that should be enough to tell you where she stands. Im not trying to be harsh, I just think this relationship has become a barrier for you, and you deserve to be happy!


 
Old 05-16-2005, 08:06 AM   #6
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Lover's Mirage HB User
Re: Embarrassed And May Sound Pathetic, But Any Words Said Would Be Appreciated...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Draven_Hardy
*I meant have not been in a relationship nor commited myself to anyone... not "have not been in anyone" lol
In my opinion, your whole sage about her conduct is like calling the kettle black. If you are able (and of course more than willing) to be intimate outside the "relationship", then she has every right to also. Don't expect her to be faithful to you if you can not be . I feel your ego has been deflated somewhat and you are just licking your wounds, while also adding salt.

Think about, and examine YOUR actions and attitude toward her, and everything will become clear to you. I feel both of you need to either commit or move on. There seems to be a lack of respect and communication on both parts. It takes two to tango.

 
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