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Old 06-07-2005, 09:14 AM   #1
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freyanbelle HB User
My Husband's Career Choices

Ok, I'm at my wit's end and need some advice from folks that don't know me versus asking a family member or friend. My husband of 4 years hates EVERY job he has held down since I met him 5 years ago. In the past, before we married and for the first year that we were married, he continually harped on me about "bringing the job home" with me -- you know, complaining about work, talking about work, etc. Well, now the tables are turned and not only is it affecting our home life, it is also causing me much worry and anxiety with financial matters. It's not just that he brings his work home, but that he WON'T talk about it and instead takes out his stress on those around him by being grumpy, uncooperative, withdrawn and on a constant mission to find fault with everyone and everything around him.

Our deal was that I would go to college and obtain an associate's degree so that I could enhance my 20 years of experience in my job field and then possibly be able to get paid what I'm actually worth. That lasted 2 semesters....he has become impatient and continually made my life miserable while going to school so I quit and am now looking for a job again. Just yesterday he comes in and asks me "how long" before he can quit his job? He's held his current job for almost 2 years -- a record! The job pays REALLY well - the best he's had since we've been together. My feelings is that he wants to quit because he is too lazy to keep up with the administrative part of his job (expense reports, online training, etc.) and he is getting in a load of trouble with the boss over it. He has never been good with admin work...he even asked me to keep him organized which I tried to do for a short while before throwing my hands up in disgust since he still lost receipts, made excuses about why he couldn't do his reports when they were due, etc. Just this morning he was storming around the house because HE lost his receipt folder AGAIN and he was grilling me about where it might be!

We are financially unstable, our credit is not good, we have a bankruptcy on our record (a Chapter 13 that failed), one vehicle (since his is a company issued vehicle), and he spends money like it's water. I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. Although he agreed that we had to buckle down so that I could go to school he has not kept his end of the bargain. I can't control what he spends because we get in a huge argument if I even mention it to him but he is quick to call me out when the bills are paid late.

I am worried sick that he is going to quit this job before I can get a full time job. My part time job won't keep us afloat. I am tired of dealing with his grouchiness and I'm frustrated that he won't settle into a job and drop it 5 p.m. So what do I do? If he quits, we will have to scrounge up some money from somewhere to buy another vehicle just so we can both work, we will have no health insurance, and we will be more behind on our bills than we are already. He has been known to just "up and quit" a job before - twice since I've been with him. If he does it again, I don't think I can handle it.

Help!

 
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Old 06-07-2005, 09:55 AM   #2
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Oh Boy!!!! I know a few posters who will jump in here with some great advice but I personally can feel your frustration and would like to offer my support. Welcome to the boards

What type of jobs has your husband held??? And what was the longest period he held one?? What is it that he most complains about....is it the other workers, the boss, the pay, the type of work??? And what field of work does he have educatonal background in??? What is it that you would describe as his passion or what he likes to do the most??? Answering some of these questions may help us better advise you.

Personally, in order to be happy we must in some sense enjoy the work we do. It is an extension of who we are and unless you like some aspect of your job you will be miserable. However, without offending you, your husband sounds more like he is just plain miserable with his life in general Is he a happy person otherwise??? Sometimes there are people that no matter where they are or who they are with, just seem to be unhappy & miserable. I am sensing that this may be the case with your husband only because you state he does this with any job. How are things otherwise???

I really can feel your stress.....and I hope that you get some relief here.
Again, welcome and feel free to vent all you want....you sound like you really need to.....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-07-2005 at 10:05 AM.

 
Old 06-07-2005, 10:59 AM   #3
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Thanks for the warm welcome! Here are the answers to your questions - very good questions, I might add.

Work he does now: repairs, installs medical imaging equipment for a large corporation (he travels but mostly only locally)

Longest he's held a job: 5 years at a large corporation where he was not required to travel. The job was through a contracting agency so when the contract expired, his position was terminated. He actually did not quit that one himself and claimed to like it. He was a computer network administrator there.

Types of jobs held: all computer related or equipment repair related. He is very good with electronics and has an outside hobby that includes using his skills.

What he complains about most: that he can't possibly complete all his calls and do all his paperwork without having to work overtime yet I've seen him come home at 1 p.m. and not get another call for the day and do ZERO paperwork. The boss is always on his back about paperwork.

Education background: never finished college but was majoring in electrical engineering. He had almost enough hours to get an associates degree.

His passion: he wants to be a freelance photographer or a writer but these are fields that he has no experience in. He is actually a very good photographer but I can't say that he would ever make it as a writer. (Sorry, but that is one field that is VERY hard to make any money in.) He wants to make a living at things that take years of establishing yourself in and for him, if he doesn't have all the equipment at his disposal immediately, he won't do it as a side job to get himself started. It's all or nothing with him.

As for his general disposition....well, he is a very private person and we've had a rocky marriage so far because I have two kids from a previous marriage. He is impatient with them often. He says he needs a place that he can escape to so I agreed last year to save up enough money to build him a shop where he could do just that -- he took the money and bought a boat instead. Now he is still complaining that he has no place to escape to. By the way, I have co-domicilary custody of my kids so they are only here every other week for a week at a time. One is a soon-to-be sophmore in high school and the other will be in the third grade next year. They are good kids - better than most and I'm not saying that just because they are my kids. They stay out of trouble and make good grades in school.

My husband has a quick temper and has a very hard time admitting when he is wrong - hearing the words "I'm sorry" is a rare occurence here. He is difficult to live with sometimes, for sure -- he is very eccentric, moody, withdrawn, and private. He was not like this when we met...don't we all say that? He IS very artistic and talented with music, photography, and cerebral endeavours but I don't think that gives him a license to be a grouch!

Yes, I believe you are right. I don't think there is a job in the world that will ever fulfill him as far as that need is concerned. All I know is that I will never have stability with him. I live in constant fear that he is going to do something stupid again (quit his job out of frustration) and I think that if he does that, it will be the final straw to add to other problems that we are trying to deal with.

 
Old 06-07-2005, 11:12 AM   #4
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Network Admin is a VERY DIFFERENT job from the ones he has been doing. It is wonderful work, some people are born to it and I understand why he might miss it. I love the work myself. These jobs are hard to come by now though. Hard to get without a degree and some certs. Anyway you can BOTH go back to school?
I'm a painter myself and you're right. Our society puts up with this "Artist as Star" attitude too much. Don't take his crap because he may have some talent.

 
Old 06-07-2005, 11:41 AM   #5
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Sounds like he has the "Starving Artist Syndrome". Unfortunately his passion lies in the arts which involve much devotion and passion. It takes many years to get to the point of getting the big break that you need but he sounds like a man of many dreams. Don't knock the writing....I read Nicholas Sparks autobiography about him & his brother...."Three Weeks with my Brother" and when he was just a boy he vowed to his brother that he would make his first million at the age of thirty after living a life of poverty. and true to his word...his first book "The Notebook" was offered a million by the publisher. And he was never majored in writing but was told by his mother while healing from an athletic injury and losing his scholarship in college to write when he was bored. And he did I just love success stories like that. So don't knock your husband's dream of writing.....I share that dream too

Sounds like alot of the frustration you are getting is your husbands lack in confidence. He seems to be in limbo, not being able to find work with the lacking of a degree. Realistically one of you is going to have to go back and get the degree. Have the two of you discussed this lately??? Sounds like your husband is trying to escape the misery he feels in not being able to find a job like his longest held one as a Computer Network Manager. Unfortunately this is not solving the problem you have of making ends meet. Is there anyway that he can balance his present job and go to school as well??? He may be eligible for financial aid and grants/scholarships. Ideally a job that would pay for him to further his education would be ideal, but I am unfamiliar with his line of work. I know that there is great demand for computer repairs and work it's just a mattter of finding the right thing for him. Being an artist....graphic designing may appeal to him. I really don't see things getting better until one or both of you further your education and get the certification/degrees that are necessary. I think that you need to sit down and have a serious discussion as to how you should go about this.

The marital issues most likely stem from the financial difficulties that you are dealing with and his low self worth. Men generally equate thier self worth to their work/career success and how they provide for their families. Your husband is definitely demonstrating his low self image in terms of taking out his frustrations on you and your family. I am not saying that this is right, but only pointing it out so that you may better understand. It might be good to talk to someone about how he can release this in a healthier way so not to damage the feelings of the ones he loves.

You seem to be quite an intelligent and caring woman.....I am sure with the right tools you & your husband can definitely work through this. But you must first come up with a plan as to how to get yourselves on better financial ground. I think getting a degree is the way to go. I hope this helps and I am sure that others here will have much to add.....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-07-2005 at 12:34 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2005, 02:39 PM   #6
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Hi Freyanbelle,
I would like to start out by telling you how much I sympathize with what you are going through. My husband was similar to yours in many areas until he went for counseling. I have lived through many of the things you are describing for most of my married life. (I have been married for 19 years.) And boy have I experienced the stress that you are talking about first hand!
There are several areas of concern that I have picked up on from reading your posts:
1) Your husband has a history of being unhappy in his job
2) Your husband has difficulty completing the administrative portions of his job. (Things that require attention to detail.)
3) Your husband misplaces things easily.
4) Your husband lacks in organizational skills
5) Your husband overspends and charges resulting in you having bad credit. He makes impulsive spending decisions. (Ex Buying a boat when the money was supposed to be used for something else.)
6) Your husband has a "quick temper."
7) YOU ARE FILLED WITH ANXIETY AND WORRY AS A RESULT OF LIVING WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE

All of the above info you shared regarding your husband can be symptoms of ADHD or ADD. I have first hand knowledge of this disorder as my husband and son both have ADHD.
(My son has much milder ADHD then my husband.) Are you familiar with it?
It does not just affect children. It has nothing to do with a person's intelligence. In fact, often people with ADHD have very high IQ's. (Many famous inventors are thought to have had it. They are usually very creative)
It is something for you to think about. If your feel that it is possible that he does have this, he needs to see his family MD or someone that specializes in this so that they can determine if he does. I would recommend someone that specializes in diagnosing this however, if your insurance will pay for it.

Now, regardless of the cause or factors contributing to the problem, the fact is that it is causing TREMENDOUS STRESS FOR YOU. It is imperative that you take care of you. I would suggest counseling so that you can learn what the best thing to do is. You must not allow this to continue or it will go on for the rest of your married life. You must take a stand and not accept certain things any longer. (For example, if he is yelling at you he must understand that this will no longer be tolerated. Please elaborate on what you mean by he has a "quick temper") Also, the overspending must stop. He may need to sell his boat if you have bills to pay that you don't have money for.) The most important thing I want to stress to you is NOT TO LET HIS PROBLEMS CAUSE YOU TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. You can not have a healthy marriage with these kind of problems. They need to be dealt with or he needs to accept the consequences of his actions. My husband did not go for counseling until he knew that I was ready to leave him. Unfortunately, I wasted too many years not going for help sooner. You will never be able to be happy in your marriage unless his behavior and attitude changes.
(My husband has been through many, many jobs and I like you took on an improper balance of the financial responsibility. He like your husband had anger issues, spent money impulsively that we did not have, and we have large credit card debt now to pay off. We however thankfully, still have good credit. (I have taken money out of my son's college fund and my retirement account to pay bills.) I will however, NEVER do that again. If HIS actions in the future cause us to go through finanancial difficulty again, I will not stay with him. However, he has truly become a different man and I do not think that will ever happen again. He has been very repentful of his prior actions and asked for my forgiveness. He has stopped charging as well as spending money that we don't have. He has also become patient. His actions have now demonstrated to me that he truly has changed! These positive changes only came through realizing he had ADHD, taking medication daily to help him, admitting he had a problem, taking responsibility for his actions and going for counseling.)
If your husband is not willing to do this, you will be in the same mess years from now. Counseling helped me get strong and better equiped me on how to act in a healthy way when he was not. My actions and behavior, caused a positive change in his behavior.
I could go on and on. I will first wait for your response. (I may delete some of the more personal info after I see that you have read this.)
My heart goes out to you. I know all too well how you feel. (In fact, my husband was out of work for 9 months this past year. He just started working at his 'dream job' a few weeks ago, but the pay is not good right now. Hopefully, as the organization grows, his salary will also. He is also going to school to finish his BS degree.) He finally is on track and made so many wonderful changes in the last year, but it took a huge emotional toll on me for our entire married life. I don't want you to go through the same thing.
Your in my prayers.
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-07-2005 at 03:33 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2005, 05:23 PM   #7
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Wonderful advice so far and lots of food for thought....

Goody...just a little background about schooling on us both - my husband does not want to go back and finish. He claims that he wants to see me get my degree but when I was going to school, he made me miserable. I was constantly interrupted while studying, he would tell me "All you EVER talk about is school, school, school" which wasn't true, he would help with the kids when they were here and then turn around and complain to me about it, he would complain that there were no groceries in the house but wouldn't go to the store himself to get any (I was working part time and going to school at the same time). I am almost 40 years old. It's now or never....I don't have the energy to fight a marital problem while trying to concentrate on going to college yet I know that I would greatly benefit from having that piece of paper saying that I'm "qualified". Also, he claims that he didn't like network administration and even at home he is reluctant to fix our computers when there is a problem with one of them. He has a decently paying job despite not having a degree since his field is specialized and most of his knowledge comes from training that the company supplies to him. I don't like to see him in a job that he loathes. I understand that part myself since I don't want to work somewhere that I'm unhappy either. However, he seems to expect that I can just jump up, get a degree in a few months, and find a high paying job almost immediately and repair our credit with a magic wand so that we can buy a new vehicle so that we can both work. I have discussed the fact with him before that one of us needs to get our degree and he has agreed to that point but he gave me absolutely no support or peace of mind while I was trying to do just that. The last semester I took, I had to cut back on semester hours because we had no money despite the fact that he makes decent money.


Blue Eyed Lady...I hadn't thought of ADD or ADHD but I am aware that it can affect adults as well as children. It is highly doubtful that I could get my husband to consent to going to see a physician to see if that would be a possibility. Just the mention of him possibly having ADD or ADHD makes me cringe to think what his reaction would be. He never gets violent to the point of physical abuse....his method is to pick away at me until he angers me, prompting me to respond in a less than desirable fashion upon which he starts trying to make me think that it was all my fault in the first place. This includes first being silently angry at me, then stomping around the house and slamming doors and then once I have had enough and confront him, he begins yelling and will sometimes throw whatever is near by or in his hands. I refuse any longer to clean up splattered cups of coffee or plates of food because of his childish tirades. He has tried to blame his problems on two medical conditions that he already has....carpal tunnel syndrome and sleep apnea. He has been to the m.d. for these ailments but has not followed through with the treatments. He won't take the medications for pain for the carpal tunnel nor will he agree to see the m.d. again to start a series of shots and he used his c-pap machine for sleep apnea one night for 15 minutes before making the excuse that he couldn't adjust it. I literally just gave up and now pretty much ignore him when he complains about pain or lack of sleep....this does affect our lives in many ways though. We have had arguments so intense that I've developed a blinding migraine right in the middle of the argument. I also have osteoarthritis and I live with pain every day but I don't complain about it continuously nor do I use it as an excuse to dismiss everyone else's feelings. I am certainly willing to go get some counseling, with or without him. I guess my biggest fear is that I will learn that I would be much better off without him. Sad, huh?

 
Old 06-07-2005, 05:28 PM   #8
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evy38 HB User
Re: My Husband's Career Choices

I don't know, maybe he's spoiled rotten and needs to learn that how he treats the people who love him will effect whether or not they continue to love him.

Last edited by evy38; 06-07-2005 at 05:29 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2005, 06:34 PM   #9
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Quote:
Originally Posted by freyanbelle
Wonderful advice so far and lots of food for thought....

Blue Eyed Lady...I hadn't thought of ADD or ADHD but I am aware that it can affect adults as well as children. It is highly doubtful that I could get my husband to consent to going to see a physician to see if that would be a possibility. Just the mention of him possibly having ADD or ADHD makes me cringe to think what his reaction would be. He never gets violent to the point of physical abuse....his method is to pick away at me until he angers me, prompting me to respond in a less than desirable fashion upon which he starts trying to make me think that it was all my fault in the first place. This includes first being silently angry at me, then stomping around the house and slamming doors and then once I have had enough and confront him, he begins yelling and will sometimes throw whatever is near by or in his hands. I refuse any longer to clean up splattered cups of coffee or plates of food because of his childish tirades. He has tried to blame his problems on two medical conditions that he already has....carpal tunnel syndrome and sleep apnea. He has been to the m.d. for these ailments but has not followed through with the treatments. He won't take the medications for pain for the carpal tunnel nor will he agree to see the m.d. again to start a series of shots and he used his c-pap machine for sleep apnea one night for 15 minutes before making the excuse that he couldn't adjust it. I literally just gave up and now pretty much ignore him when he complains about pain or lack of sleep....this does affect our lives in many ways though. We have had arguments so intense that I've developed a blinding migraine right in the middle of the argument. I also have osteoarthritis and I live with pain every day but I don't complain about it continuously nor do I use it as an excuse to dismiss everyone else's feelings. I am certainly willing to go get some counseling, with or without him. I guess my biggest fear is that I will learn that I would be much better off without him. Sad, huh?

Originally, when I read your initial post I did not respond right away because it stirred up within me so many unhappy memories and I really did not want to post so many of the intimate details of my marriage. However, the more I thought about it, I realized there were just too many similarities and I felt that God would want me to try and help you. No one can possibly understand what it truly feels like to have been in a situation like this unless they have lived it themselves. I believe that when we go through difficulties, God can use those circumstances to help others with similar problems.
I have had a happy outcome in my marriage and I hope you will too. But no matter what happens, please realize that you can bring about positive changes for yourself no matter what your husband decides to do. YOU do have the power to do that. Your life will become better.
First I would like to address the subject of how your husband deals with stress and anger. It not only is destructive to your mental well-being it is verbal and emotional abuse. He does these things, such as throwing an object, to get a reaction out of you and control your behavior. It does not matter if there has not been physical abuse, it is still abuse. Do you feel nervous, anxiety ridden and a sense of fear when he does this? If you answer yes to these questions, there is no questions that this is abuse. The fact that you are getting migraine headaches during arguments shows how VERY destructive this is and how MUCH this is effecting your emotional and physical health.
You can not control his behavior, but you CAN CONTROL YOUR REACTIONS TO HIS BEHAVIOR. Again, I feel that counseling would help you so much. If he wants to act like he does, do not give him an audience. I would not pick up any dish or cup that he throws and I would leave the house. He needs to know that you will no longer tolerate this behavior. If he does not have consequences to his behavior, he will NOT change. He needs to know that if he behaves in an abusive manner you will leave the house. I would talk to him and tell him all the things that are bothering you and let him know that if he yells at you or throws anything again, you will leave the house. (It is your decision for how long to leave whether it is a few hours, overnight or permanently. Again, a counselor can help teach you good ways to establish proper boundaries.)
I can not stress enough to you that unless you are willing to say to yourself, that you will no longer tolerate this behavior, it will never stop.
Do your children witness these episodes? If so, do you want them to think that this is proper behavior for relationships? I'm sure you don't want them modeling this behavior in their future marriages.
Your husband is learning that he can count on you to solve all the problems in your finances and in your marriage. If he bothers you enough, you will cave in and do what he wants. Did he even talk to you before he bought the boat?
Did he worry about your emotional health when he went out and charged things you can not afford? Again, my husband changed when he knew he would lose me. Unfortunately, it is up to you. Right now, you husband sees no reason to change his behavior. It is your choice to either live like this or put you foot down.
As far as the sleep apnea and the CPAP. Your right, if he choses not to take care of himself that is his problem. The CPAP can be set so that it gradually adjusts, (it can be set on a ramp mode) so your husband has a chance to get used to it. It does take getting used to and his Dr. may need to lower the pressure setting so that he gets used to it. There are also different masks that he can try if he does not like a particular one. The sleep apnea can cause him to be more irritable and actually more distractible due to lack of proper sleep. However, that is not an excuse for his actions and as an adult he needs to make proper choices and face the consequences for his actions. (Is the insurance covering the entire cost of the CPAP or do you have a monthly co-pay? If you do have a co-pay and he is not using it, I would have it removed from the house from the home care company that is renting it to you.)
I am sorry about your osteoarthritis. I too have osteoarthritis in my back, hips, and knees. I am on daily prescription anti-inflammatory medication for this, but I too often have discomfort and sometimes pain, even on the meds. I like you, go about my daily responsibilities as an adult. There is no time for excuses when I have to go to work. We as adults need to do what we need to do. You are functioning as the adult in the relationship and he is functioning like a child. It is not a healthy marriage. I hope I am not hurting you with my bluntness. As I said, I have walked in your shoes.
What you need to focus on is that you are capable of bringing positive change in your life and thereby restoring joy and happiness. Your husband needs to choose whether or not he is willing to make those changes. If not, you need to decide between your emotional health or your marriage. If you have read any of my previous posts regarding marriage, you will know that I hold marriage in very high regard. I do not take marriage vows lightly, and I believe we make those vows before God. I do not believe however, that anyone should stay in a relationship in which there is any kind of abuse. If that person is not willing to go for counseling and change, you need to seperate from the abuser.
On top of that you are dealing with all kind of financial problems with a man that wants to know how soon he can quit his job. (My husband also, has quit several jobs over the years, without having another one to go to. Talk about stress!! I do know what you are going through.) I just wish I had been willing to take the steps necessary along time ago to bring about change.
You will be in my thought and prayers on a daily basis.
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-07-2005 at 07:22 PM.

 
Old 06-08-2005, 03:42 PM   #10
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Today my husband did yet another thing designed to wear me down mentally. You are right Blue Eyed Lady. I know he is doing it and yes, sometimes my kids did hear us arguing and him slamming doors but not lately. Now he at least has enough fear of my leaving him in him if he shows this side of himself in front of the kids to take it to another room and keep his voice down. He can slice with words just as good as he can with actions.

Ok, today I made the decision to go back to school after he told me that he would support me in completion of my goal. I signed up for the summer semester on the last possible day before not being allowed admittance. We agreed that we would have to buckle down really tight on our spending. I agreed to continue working as much as I could but would need the most support during the short summer session since I have to be in class every day or I will fall behind quickly (I'm already almost a full week back now). He agreed and then immediately turned around and said "as long as it doesn't stop me from fishing." Let me tell you that every time he goes fishing, he spends at least $120 to $150 for launch fees, drinks, food, bait, gas, and fishing supplies. He said that since he doesn't have a shop to escape to (which I mentioned earlier is HIS OWN FAULT), that I should support him fully in his need to get away and the only way he can do that is by fishing when he wants to. I told him that we couldn't afford for him to go this weekend (he had plans with his cousin) because I had just put out a few hundred dollars in tuition fees. Next weekend, we had planned to do an overnight fishing trip (I like fishing too but not to the extreme that he does) because it falls on our wedding anniversary. When I told him that we couldn't afford for him to go this weekend he said, "fine, I'll just take **cousin** next weekend." ---- the weekend of our anniversary. We had been doing fine with discussing, more than arguing for a change and then he makes that very hurtful statement to me!! He did it deliberately and when I told him it was very hurtful to me, his immediate response was "well, I said it because...blah, blah, blah...." Every excuse as to why he would say that except for the real reason came out - he simply wanted to hurt me. And he did. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him. I DO understand his need for privacy and time to himself and he keeps saying the same thing over and over - YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND because if you did, you would move heaven and earth to help me find the money to get what I need too.

Ok, am I selfish in thinking that although fishing (or having privacy as he calls it) is very important and I want him to have as much of that as we can afford for him to is just not as important at the moment as my education with an ultimate goal of achieving a higher pay status for our future? You know, this sounds like a really dumb issue to get into an argument over.....the more I think about it and type about it, the dumber it gets. Sigh. I do want him to have what he needs too but just as I wouldn't take what I need if it were to worsen our financial situation, I want him to have that same understanding in mind. I just don't feel that he really understands just how little money is left at the end of every payday. When I tell him that maybe he should handle the bills for a while, he says, "Fine, I'll do that. I'll pay someone to take care of them." Duh! Where do we come up with money to pay someone to help us pay our bills?

Yes, definitely, some counseling is in order - for me.

Thank you for your prayers and please continue them. I need all I can get. Your support is wonderful BEL.....

 
Old 06-08-2005, 04:32 PM   #11
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Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Frayanbelle ~ I really think that your husband is extremely selfish and self-centered...there is no way around this or a nicer way for it to be said. I mean, think about it....you are in financial trouble and your husband takes the last of your savings and buys a boat, a way for him to relax, meanwhile you are busting your a$$ to keep your head above water and are willing to go back to school to secure a good future for the two of you while he is spending money that you just don't have. Take a step back and be brave enough to read your post as if it were your best friend asking your advice. What would you advise your best friend to do if this were her posting here??? How about being a best friend to yourself and try taking the same advice???

You are in a marriage and a marriage is when two people work together towards common goals, building up one another and bringing out the best in each other. You are brave enough to see that he is at the very least emotionally abusing you, which by the way, leaves more scars than physical abuse and often takes so much longer to heal. I know this because I was in such a relationship years ago and recognize the same in your marriage as well.


Blue Eyed Lady's advice is right on. Please do not allow time to go on until there is no self esteem left for you to realize this. There are definite signs that it has already diminished and counselling will help you restore what you have already lost.

I am sorry if my post seems too brutal.....sometimes we need to hear it how others see it because often when we are in the midst of it all, the scene is way distorted.

Please know that I am here as well if you should need a hand to hold.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-08-2005 at 05:07 PM.

 
Old 06-08-2005, 06:23 PM   #12
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BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Hi Again,
I am sooooo sorry that you are dealing with all this emotional stress. I really think you need to take action now. Your husband is acting like a child rather than a supportive husband. Please find a counselor to help you sort this out. Do you by any chance attend church? We found our counselor through our pastor. When I made an apt to see him almost 2 years ago and told him all the things that were going on, he immediately gave me the name of a Christian counselor that he knew. She was wonderful and because her heart's desire was to serve God and help people, she worked on a sliding scale. She helped me and our marriage so much. She helped me to become strong, learn to properly express my feelings and learn to set proper boundaries. Once I did that, things in our marriage started to change.
I can feel your anxiety regarding the finances. He is being totally unreasonable and childish regarding the boat. ASK HIM WHEN DO YOU GET TO GET AWAY? You are going to school to improve your financial situation. You are not out having fun.
Do you realize how manipulative he is being by then telling you he is going to take his cousin out on the boat instead of you on your anniversary. Do NOT allow him to manipulate you in this manner. You need to take a stand. If he does not see a real DIFFERENCE in YOUR REACTIONS TO HIM he will not believe that he needs to change. Remember this is not going to be easy, but you can do it. You can take a stand.
Think about the situation objectively, and like Goody siad, what would you advise your friend to do? Have a plan and stick to it. If he sees you cave into his fear tactics and manipulation, his immature behavior will continue. (If it was me and my husband took a relative out instead of his wife out on our anniversary, he wouldn't have a wife to come home to!) Seriously, he needs a WAKE UP CALL.
Be strong. Show him you willl not fall prey to his tactics any longer. Maybe you need to write a long letter to him expressing all your feelings and what you will do if he proceeds with his actions. It's up to you, but how do you expect to concentrate on school when he is acing like this? Do you by any chance have family or a friend that you could stay with if you need to? (Even if it's only a night to show him you will not tolerate such selfish, self indulgent behavior any longer.)
Remember, you have the power to make changes. Do not let him take that power from you.
I will continue to pray for you. May God bless you and direct you on on what to do. May He give you peace that surpasses understanding. Know that He loves you and is with you in this situation.

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-08-2005 at 06:29 PM.

 
Old 06-09-2005, 05:49 AM   #13
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freyanbelle HB User
Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Goody, you are not being too brutal. I really appreciate your advice, opinions and support. Blue Eyed Lady, yes, I have a place to go if I need to. However, I have too many things that hold me here right now and it's not easy to admit that at the age of 40, I need to move in with my parents (who have a VERY small house). I have stayed there before for a few days but I have my mother and father constantly trying to influence my decisions...it's just as bad there as here. This is my second marriage and I'm not ready to admit defeat just quite yet after only 5 years. When I married my second husband, he had a stable job that he had been at for 5 years and was not like this at all. If I could have foreseen all this coming, I would have remained on my own. Now it's even harder to go because of all our combined bills, our pets, and our home. Since the home is on his family's land, I would have to be the one to go too. I'm restricted as to where I can live since my kids have to stay within the school district where their father also lives because we have joint custody. Rental prices in this area are outrageous so I'm feeling stuck. In any event, I will make an appointment with a counselor since my husband's insurance will cover it. I have to do something besides sitting here. Since yesterday we've not spoken a word to each other. He smiles his fake smile at me when I pass - trying to pretend that nothing ever happened which is the same thing he does every time. I will keep you both posted on my progress. Thanks so much for being there for me.

 
Old 06-09-2005, 07:47 AM   #14
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BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: My Husband's Career Choices

Hi Again,
When I mentioned somewhere to go or stay, I did not necessarily mean it had to be permanently. It could just be for a night. The important thing is to have a plan if he behaves in an abusive manner (yelling or throwing objects again). The best thing you can do is to leave the house so he sees you will not put up with behavior like this. (Even if you have to check into an inexpensive motel for the night.) If he sees you leave the next time he behaves like that, he will see that your behavior towards his actions is changing.
I am so happy you mentioned counseling. It will help you considerably. I encourage you to make an apt as soon as possible.
Good luck with everything.
love,
Blue Eyed Lady

 
Old 06-23-2005, 05:56 PM   #15
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BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: My Husband's Career Choices

I was thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Are you still in school? Please update us. I sure hope things are better.
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady

 
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