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Old 06-11-2005, 10:14 PM   #1
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persnicket80 HB User
boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

I have a difficult time when my BF wants to go out and have his own time.

I know that in healthy relationthips, each person needs their own time with their own friends.

I just feel rejected. I spend time with my friends....i just feel like he needs more time away from me than i need from him, and it makes me sad. i don't know what to do.

on the one hand, i know it adds health to our relationship. on the other hand, i hate knowing my BF just doesn't want to look at my face sometimes. it hurts.

 
Old 06-11-2005, 10:59 PM   #2
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

it's probably not that your boyfriend doesn't want to look at your face... that's just being silly. Like anything good, time away just serves to hilight how good things really are... i doubt that your favorite food would be as good if you had to eat for every meal. if you love eating pizza, having mcdonalds doesn't diminish that in any respect

If you restrict his time severely with his friends, chances are he will resent you for it.

 
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Old 06-12-2005, 12:30 AM   #3
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

Time with his friends is perfectly natural and healthy, and when he comes home to you after a night with a bunch of crude guys, he'll appreciate you all the more for being sweet, loving, and understanding. It can be tough to not want to spend all your time with someone you really love, but in the end, it's much better for the relationship if both partners have outside interests and friends in order to keep things fresh. Please try not to see his time out with friends as taking away from his time with you, but rather an opportunity to provide healthy variety in his life and make him appreciate you more than ever. What he's doing is perfectly normal and not in any way a threat to you, so I'd suggest working on changing your attitude toward his desire to spend time away from you with his friends. Resenting him for it or feeling abandoned and unwanted while he's gone will only make you sad and distant from him, and that response isn't even really warranted based on his behavior. Please try hard not to take it personally...remember, sometimes your BF just wants to have a good time without thinking about you. It has nothing to do with getting away from you or not wanting to look at you; it's just that he enjoys seeing his friends and doing something different once in awhile. It really isn't a reflection on his feelings (or lack thereof) for you--I know it can be difficult not to interpret everything your partner does as a reaction to you, but please try to trust that sometimes he wants to do things where you aren't even a consideration. He wants to hang out with his friends because he likes them, not because he doesn't want to be with you or because of any other reason that has anything at all to do with you. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you and enjoys your company...believe me, I know that sometimes when you're in a tightknit relationship it can be tough to remember that not everything in his life is directly related to you, but that's a good thing, as otherwise, it wouldn't be a very healthy kind of relationship.

I really think that if you can work on changing your attitude towards his nights out, you'll be a lot happier and more at ease with your relationship. Try to focus on all the positive aspects of your bond with him rather than allow the one thing that displeases you to nag at you and have a negative effect on your overall outlook. If you do find yourself thinking about his nights out, remember that he's just having some harmless bonding time with the guys which makes him appreciate your love and companionship all the more. And please, don't ever ask to go along or bug him to include you...it would ruin their night to have a girl around, and your boyfriend would never hear the end of it from his friends. Besides, not only will they have more fun if it's just the guys, but you'll probably enjoy yourself more if you hang out alone or with your girlfriends rather than being an unwelcome fifth wheel on guys night out. Sorry for rambling here, but my point is that his behavior is totally normal and not in any way a reflection on his feelings about you or your relationship. Please try not to let something fun and innocent bother you to the point where it creates unncessary problems...he will love and appreciate you much more if you can remain positive and encourage him to enjoy his independence rather than resenting any time he spends away from you.

 
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Old 06-12-2005, 01:08 AM   #4
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

It is definitely difficult when there is an imbalance and it seems like one person needs more time away, however, as long as you are both respectful of each other and do get enough quality time together, then it helps to keep the relationship healthy and in balance.

I have seen it from both sides - I had a boyfriend who really didn't care much about me and was always out with his friends without including me, I spent many, many nights alone. I talked to him about how that made me feel and he did not care, but this was almost every night and he would get home in the middle of the night and many times not even call until the next day. It made me very unhappy and insecure and the relationship did not work (of course there were more reasons than just that).

I am married now and my husband is very shy and does not have a lot of friends whereas I do like to spend time with my friends both with and without him. However, I make sure there is a balance and that he does not feel neglected. He is fine with it, he will usually do something on his own too, sometimes with a friend sometimes just taking time to himself to do something he enjoys that I don't. I find that I need some time to myself each week, and it does not necessarily need to be with friends. This is no reflection on my husband because I love him very much and could not ever imagine being without him, in fact, my time with my friends is more enjoyable because I know that I have him to come home to at the end of the night.

I would encourage you to try to reach a compromise if you can - you did not say exactly how much time he needed away, if it is quite a bit, then maybe you can let him know that you would like to see if you could arrange to have time together on certain nights and he could have time away on certain nights. If it is not too often then just know that he is just taking care of himself and his friendships and remember that he enjoys coming home to you and that you are there for him. Try not to be sad, this is no reflection on you and it does not mean he does not want to look at you. If he is not respecting your feelings, and going out every single night of the week even after you have talked to him, then that is a seperate issue that might need to be worked on. Otherwise I would say it is normal and healthy.

 
Old 06-12-2005, 06:43 AM   #5
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cazzey HB User
Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

you should never seperate your partner from their mates, what is it your scared of?? Chances are the more you restrict him the more you´ll push him away.

 
Old 06-12-2005, 06:57 AM   #6
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

i'm not RESTRICTING him, and I already acknowledged in my post that I recognize it is healthy and desirable for us to do things apart.

the fact that he has a lot of friends, is very social, and is a very loyal friend (a couple of friends he has known for more than 20 years--from childhood) is one of the things i love about him.

he needs a lot more space than i do, and that bothers me sometimes. he's considerate about it, and we've talked about it, and i know how he feels and he knows how i feel.

it's just a fundamental difference between us--he needs more alone time, and i sometimes have difficulty accepting that. PERHAPS it doesn't reflect on his feelings for me, absence makes the heart grow fonder, yadda yadda. i know the conventional wisdom on that point. but at the same time, i can't help feeling that if he REALLY loved me, he wouldn't need so much alone time.

it's just a question of degree.

 
Old 06-12-2005, 10:19 AM   #7
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

All guys want their own time every now and then. My guy her guy that girls guy. And sometimes us girls want our own time.

It doesnt mean he doesnt want to see your face. It means he wants to hang out with his guy friends, maybe have a few beers, watch a football/basketball game, burp fart, make comments that us ladies wouldnt like to hear ect....

It's better that us girls arent around when they talk and act this way because they know we probably wouldnt approve right. This is something you will have to get use to. Even if things w/this guy fall apart you will get into another relationship and the next guy will want the same thing sometimes. You just have to learn to deal.

Maybe on days he goes out with his buddies you should go out w/yours to keep your mind away from the worry zone.

 
Old 06-13-2005, 01:56 AM   #8
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

..............

Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-14-2005 at 09:06 PM.

 
Old 06-13-2005, 06:37 AM   #9
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

Hey there! I'm going to take a slightly different standpoint on this one.
Yes, it is important to have a life of your own and have time with your friends. Of course! I wouldn't be the same without my "girl time" at least once a week, or time alone with my family.
However, when the amount of time he needs away from you starts to bother you, you have to take a closer look at your own personal relationship needs and whether or not they are being met. He's doing nothing wrong by spending so much time with the guys, and you're doing nothing wrong if you're not restricting him. No one is to blame. But your needs matter too. And he may not be able to give you what you need out of a relationship. Everyone needs to compromise a little, but don't compromise too much or you will end up miserable and resentful! You must decide how much you can tolerate, and stick to that. Because there are guys who need A LOT of time with their friends, there are the ones who only need maybe 2 nights out of the week, and there are the ones who want to be around you all the time. Which type of guy do YOU want? Settle for nothing less.
Like I said, it's not that he's doing anything wrong. It's just a matter of you making your relationship needs known... and if he truly loves you and wants to be with you, you two can find a way to meet in the middle. Just don't compromise everything. That's not fair to you.

Last edited by LittleRose1982; 06-13-2005 at 06:38 AM.

 
Old 06-14-2005, 03:18 PM   #10
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

Well i am backwards my bf hates for me to go out with my friends and I really dont understand why i think is part of being insecure and you being scare for him to find someone else. I think is good for both to go out I always encurage by bf to go out with his friends. I think this will help the relationship you go out w your friends and have a good time too....

 
Old 06-14-2005, 03:49 PM   #11
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

I'm with LittleRose - there's nothing wrong with you, but there's nothing wrong with him either.

Sometimes, and I know that this is true, you can love someone very much and still not have some of the things in common that make a relationship successful.

Can you imagine 50 years of this?
Or could you imagine whining to him for 50 yrs that HE has to change if he love you, while HE demands that you allow him to be himself if YOU really loved HIM?
Sometimes the differences in two people makes them incompatible for the long-term now matter how many feelings of love they may have.

The trick is to understand that there is someone out there who you will ALSO love who wants to spend that kind of time with you.
Or "settle" for someone who you wish was JUST a little bit different...

 
Old 06-14-2005, 09:08 PM   #12
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

.......................

Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-14-2005 at 10:03 PM.

 
Old 06-14-2005, 09:49 PM   #13
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by nothisprincess
question: so why is everyone always here talking about their busted relationships and all of their drama if these ideas and theories are really working?? why do the same people haunt these boards for????
Little Rose, I think your advice was right on as well...there is such a thing as too much compromising, which occurs when one partner has to bend over backwards to accomodate the other's needs and desires. When two people's preferences just aren't compatible, it is often true that while no one is to blame, unfortunately that particular couple just isn't well-suited to each other in the end. I definitely agree with LR that no one should stay in a relationship in which their major needs are not being met consistently. If that is the case, I would like to change my earlier advice to that provided by Little Rose...either way, I hope everything turns out well for the original poster.

Nothisprincess,
Not everyone who posts on these boards complains about their failed relationships and drama. Personally I've been pretty lucky to avoid relationship problems and drama for the most part, so my posts are usually aimed at advising others regarding their problems. I can also think of numerous other posters who are here to help others by sharing their advice and experiences rather than seeking help about their own relationship problems. So I really don't think it's fair or accurate to characterize everyone here as continually talking about their dramatic or failed relationships...there are in fact many people here who have been very successful in love and share their perspectives in order to try to help other people achieve the same happiness they have found through their personal relationships.

 
Old 06-14-2005, 10:00 PM   #14
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Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

......................

Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-15-2005 at 01:14 PM.

 
Old 06-15-2005, 07:57 AM   #15
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persnicket80 HB User
Re: boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends

Little Rose, Thanks for your post. I totally agree--it's just a matter of whether one's needs are being met. no need to hand out fault like free samples at Costco.

i was just being whiny--sitting home by myself on Saturday night. didn't feel like going out, didn't feel like HIM gonig out. that's not fair.

last night, i didn't want to hang out with HIM--wanted to sit by myself and watch sex and the city with a glass of wine.

in my head, i understand. in my heart, sometimes, i'm selfish.

nothisprincess--looks like YOU'RE being the drama queen.

 
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