My fiance and I have been together just over a year. We decided to get married very quickly (probably because I told him I wouldn't live with him unless there was a definite engagement). Now I'm finding myself happy that we had to put off the wedding date by 6 months.
Here are some of the issues (some are just stupid, but they are issues):
* He makes me take off my shoes in our house, his relative's houses, stranger's houses (!). This irritates me to no end -- we've talked about it many times, but he just rolls his eyes at me as if to say *I* am the oddball. I'm sorry, but unless your feet are muddy-- unless they ASK you to remove the shoes, my shoes should stay on my feet.
Okay, that's a petty one. I can live with this foible.
* I always have to ask for sex. It makes me feel cheap. I understand that our sex drives don't match -- I'd like it every day, twice a day, at least a couple of times a week! They only times he ever initiates sex is after we're in bed a while. That's ok. That's lovely. It's happened maybe twice? Or he indicates I should give him a blow-job (this is fine, because I like that, but again, sometimes it feels really cheap).
Sex always has to be in the bedroom. Preferably at night in the dark.
This one is not so petty. It speaks to a basic incompatibility, doesn't it?
* I've had to leave my cats (yes, plural as in two) with my mother, who already has a cat, so she's now got THREE in the house. That's just too many for her. She keeps wanting me to go get them, but my fiance won't hear of it. When I first moved in, I told him I was bringing both cats, they came with me fine, he seemed to be fine with it. Then I felt one was not adjusting well, so I took her to my mother's for a while (yes, that was my first mistake, but it's where she grew up and she wasn't a year old yet). He would never let me bring her back! Then we moved and I left the other with Mom because I thought a 12 hour drive to a "construction zone" would be too stressful. I always expected to go back for at least one after our house was finished.
Yes, I see that I brought this on myself. But how can I get my babies back?? We'll never get pregnant (another story), so I guess these are a "surrogate?"
* Ok, children. When we first got together, he said it wouldn't be the end of the world if I got pregnant (I think that was to allay my doubts about sleeping with him at first). Now he will not even discuss the possibility of children because we're "too old." That's true, though. I'm 38 and he's 37.
I can live without babies -- but I want my cats!
* Lastly, he doesn't believe in God. He said he was a non-practicing Catholic, so I assumed that just meant he never went to church. But, no. He truly doesn't believe in anything but that which he can touch and see, etc. A classic athiest. That bothers me a bit, but it explains why he didn't want a church wedding. It would be meaningless, so why bother. The lack of a churchwedding doesn't bother me -- the courthouse is fine, but it does feel like something is missing!
How can we DO this?? How can we base our lives together on my cooking and his building (he's a carpenter, and I think that is so cool); fishing trips and other road trips? He seems to like things just the way they are, but I don't!
37 and 36 old???? My partner is 46 and I am 28 and we always wanted a baby together.
As long as love exists, other differences like wanting to have a cat or not might not be an issue, although I know what it feels leaving them at your mum's when they might be your best friends. Talk to him about what makes you upset when you are having a romantic night out. Both of you have got to compromise, not only you. But trust me, when love is there, minor things can be overcome.
A marriage will not work under these conditions. You both need to compromise together in making something work. I suggest that you wait on marrying him until you know this is what you want.
These examples that you have added here are monir but major when you can never seem to get your way. Relationships are built to last on a 2-way street and if you don't have that type of team work then you'll both be divorcing each other faster than it took you both to marry.
The taking of the shoes is a minor thing because a lot of people like to keep thier house clean. If it bothers you that much then bring slippers next time. As for your other issues though you need to make alist on what you expect out of him in order to be a fit husband. Test the grounds for change a little ile after that and if he can't match up to your request then go back in the hunting field.
You are better off to be with the right one than the wrong one.
Oh Lisa,
You have MAJOR RED FLAGS THAT THIS MARRIAGE WILL NOT WORK!!!
I think deep down you know the truth, but it is so hard to admit, especially after you are engaged.
Let me first let you know that I have been married for 19 years. I have had a very difficult marriage and would hate to see you marry someone that is obviously NOT the right one for youl Although our marriage is finally so much better, I have gone through so many struggles and alot of emotional pain due to issues my husband had due to his childhood.
I would like to touch on several of the things you mentioned that causes me great concern and the confidence to tell you that I absolutely think that you will be making the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE if you follow through and marry this guy.
He is obvious to see that he is VERY CONTROLLING by several things you mentioned. (Telling you what to do in someone else's house and telling you that you can not keep your cats.) Controlling behavior will eventually destroy any feelings of love you have for this man. That is NOT what love should be. Also, a controlling man will worsen over time. If you marry him, I guarantee you that he will begin to try and control everything you do. Has he by any chance ever raised his voice to you or put you down in any way?
Secondly, you mentioned the sex issue. My husband and I had major issues in our sex life for many years and it is still not what I would like it to be. He also for the first several years of our marriage, had a lower sex drive than me. I knew something was wrong, but could not figure out what it was. Most men have a higher sex drive then women. Well after praying about it for a couple of years and also doing alot of crying, (because it also made me feel very rejected), it finally came out that he had been sexually abused as a child. Due to that abuse, it caused major sexual problems in our relationship. He went to our pastor for prayer and some counseling and things did improve. His sex drive became like a normal healthy man, however we still have some lingering sexual problems. I have only been with one other man sexually besides my husband. My first love that I had dated for about 6 years. Our sexual relationship was so much more fulfilling for me than what I have with my husband. Because of that, it still hurts me that such an intimate part of our relationship does not meet my needs like it should. I can't help but think that perhaps it may have something to do with the sexual abuse he went through as a child. Now, my husband however is very happy with our sex life. I am the one that is dissatisfied.
Have you ever been sexually intimate with someone else? If not, I can assure you that sex is supposed to feel wonderful and YOUR NEEDS SHOULD BE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS HIS!! From what you said, this part of your relationship will continue to bring you much unhappiness. He obviously has some type of problem. My guess is that it stems form either problems with intimacy, abuse as a child, involvement in pornography, or he is just incredibly selfish. Probably a combination of two of the things above.
Thirdly, another MAJOR RED FLAG is the religious aspect. You are obviously Catholic while he is an antheist. Did you know that the Bible says that we should not be unequally yoked? What that means is that a believer should not marry an unbeliever. God was not trying to punish us by that statement, but rather to save us from pain. HE knows the problems that will occur in a union like that and wants us to be happy and to make the right decision. Also, not just for your relationship with your husband, but if you ever had any children. This becomes a MAJOR source of conflict when children come into the picture.
Fourthly, you mentioned about what HE WANTS REGARDING CHILDREN.
Please open up your eyes and see that this man will not be able to give you what you want and need in a relationship. Everything is all about what he wants and needs.
I have shared alot of personal information with you that I never intended to disclose on this board. I have done this because I believe SO STRONGLY that you will make A HORRIBLE MISTAKE IF YOU GO AHEAD AND MARRY THIS MAN.
PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
Dating is supposed to be a wonderful experience filled with joy and happiness. This is the time that guys are trying to impress the girl they care about. After they marry, everyday life and the business and familiarity of the relationship makes most men focus less on the relationship. If you think it is bad now, (which it is), it will get much worse after you marry.
There is someone else out there that is just waiting for you. Don't give up your chance of real love and happiness on someone that so obviously has major issues.
I am going to keep you in my prayers. I would like nothing better than for one day for you to post that you did let this guy go and found the love of your life!!
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady
Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-18-2005 at 09:11 AM.
well the shoe thing im on his side. its a sign of respect to whoevers home you are in to take your shoes off.
with all the other stuff, i think you're heading for trouble.
i think if you were 25 you'd have left this guy by now. my money says because you're in your 30s you're lowering the bar.
thats a personal choice only you can make. a LOT of people lower the bar and settle for someone much less than what they would truly like. and on the other hand there are lots of people who never settle and go through life on their own.
so i guess you have to ask yourself, which one can you live with.
personally id love to be married, but i have no desire to marry someone whose going to make my life worse. and if that means i never marry, well, that's life then. im pretty happy on my own if need be, so for me its an easy choice.
no one here will be able to make the choice for you though. its tough when life doesnt unfold the way we'd like, but there isnt much you can do about it other than do the best with what you have.
just dont marry this guy with the idea that you'll mold him eventually into what you want. marry him based on who he is today and what hes showing you about himself now.
J
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