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Old 06-27-2005, 10:52 AM   #1
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Wish I knew what to do....

So I have written here a few times and wanted to get some advice. This guy I was seeing and I broke up about two months ago. He just wasn't ready to be with someone else in a serious relationship considering he had been hurt recently and been through a lot in the last 2 years including the finalization of his divorce.
We didn't talk for about three weeks due to me not talking to him and two of my friends telling him not to talk to me. Then he finally (after three weeks) asked a mutual friend if he could talk to me. He acted so happy that he could finally talk to me again. I am building a house and he asked if he could meet me to go see it. So we did. Well that Monday he left for three weeks to go on a trip with the Army reserves. It was a great three weeks, I didn't worry about him and just relaxed and got over him or so I thought. We chatted a few times and he called me once.
Anyways....he is back now and I can't help but think about him. I miss being around him and having fun with him. He told me that he cares a great deal for me and that we make a great pair but that he isn't ready for a love interest at this point. He also said he wasn’t sure that he was “in” love with me. I can understand that and I am leaving my options open for other men but not "looking" for anyone else as I have a lot going on in my life. When I do think about other men I am not really interested. Is it me just not having gotten what I want or what? I am just confused and I am not pushing anything at this point because he wants to be friends and so do I.
He has built a wall around himself I just wish I could read him a little more.
Any suggestions? Could he just need some time to be him and refind himself since all the commotion??

 
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Old 06-27-2005, 11:25 AM   #2
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

I'm kinda going thru the same thing myself, I don't think it's quite as serious as what you are describing, I can't seem to get her off my mind either, I don't know if you have ever thought of this, but what bugs me is if we could have just met them at a different time in her/his lives things could have been different.... I myself let her know what my feelings were towards her and that I would like to still talk and hang out as friends, but haven't got any response from her yet... (Sent her an email after seeing her this weekend with negative results)

I also went thru your situation on the other side, I was out of a long term relationship in which I got crushed when I started dating another woman and felt the same way the guy you are describing felt.. When I was going thru that it took quite awhile for me to trust anyone and I also didn't want to deal with the things that go into a relationship as I didn't think I could give what was needed. He might be doing the same thing, If you feel strongly enough about him I would remain friends and see if something comes of it...

 
Old 06-27-2005, 01:13 PM   #3
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

thank you!! It is very hard as I care about him a great deal and we both seem to relax and just have fun when we are with each other. Who knows what will come of it or what is meant to be. In the meantime I think I am going to remain friends with him.

 
Old 06-27-2005, 01:17 PM   #4
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

Well good luck I know it can be hard to even be with someone when you want more and they aren't ready for that... I'm almost to the point now where I hope she doesn't even respond to my email because I think the only way I'm going to feel better about the situation is to just get some distance from it... I know as soon as I say that though I'm going to get a response.. Even though I've done it myself I have a hard time accepting that someone can have feelings for someone else but they won't let themselves persue them which I really think is the case with both of us...

 
Old 06-27-2005, 03:58 PM   #5
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

I think this man probably does have some feelings for you, but is still carrying some baggage and is still healing from his other relationship. If you are patient and wait it out for awhile, he might get to the point where he can give more of himself. He needs to feel safe, and if you can help him feel safe, this would help.

But, if after dating for a longer period of time, he still refuses to open up with you and give more of himself, then I would be leary of staying in the relationship. How long did you say you have been seeing him?

If I were you, I would give him some space and just go about my own business for awhile. Of course, when he calls and wants to see you, see him if you want to. Just be aware that he may still be on the rebound and don't invest too much of your heart at this point. Good luck!

 
Old 06-27-2005, 04:14 PM   #6
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

We have known each other for a year and probably dated about half of that time. He broke it off in May. I agree with both of you that he does still care but he is so "broken" so to say that he doesn't even know where to begin to give of himself to me. At this point I am going about my business (moving in to my own house in two weeks) and letting him figure himself out. We both want to be friends and I am sure he will eventually come looking for that.
I am just not patient...hahaha.

Thanks guys it means a lot that you took the time to respond to me!

 
Old 06-27-2005, 07:03 PM   #7
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

I too am having a patience problem, but I really think I'm done with my situation... the more I think about the less likely I see anything ever coming out of it at least not in the near future....I'm still wandering what is going on with her but I may never know as she doesn't seem to want to have any communication with me.... I wish you nothing but the best of luck and for your sake I hope he comes around

 
Old 06-29-2005, 06:01 PM   #8
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

This is just all frustrating. I care about this man a great deal but he always seems to be sooo busy and he will tell you he is. I am not sure how a person could be so busy. We had chatted about getting together and I mentioned about playing video games and just sitting and talking and he says he has a lot going on the next couple weeks. I am tired tonight so I guess that is why I am thinking about it but I really miss him. I hate feeling like this because I know he is stopping his day thinking about me. I dunno I just think he and I would make a great pair but he has chose back in May not to date me at this point so I guess i need to move on. It's just hard when you still care for someone. Who knows...maybe he does care for me and his actions ARE just because he is that extremely busy. I need to be more confident I guess.

 
Old 06-29-2005, 06:59 PM   #9
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

I'm sorry but I don't believe men are really that complex. If they want to be with you, they find a way and the time. If they truly want you, they will make the effort to get over their issues. Love that has become confusing and depleting is a relationship where one person has lost interest. If a man is really into you, you can bet you will know it.

 
Old 06-29-2005, 07:16 PM   #10
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamecock360
This is just all frustrating. I care about this man a great deal but he always seems to be sooo busy and he will tell you he is. I am not sure how a person could be so busy. We had chatted about getting together and I mentioned about playing video games and just sitting and talking and he says he has a lot going on the next couple weeks. I am tired tonight so I guess that is why I am thinking about it but I really miss him. I hate feeling like this because I know he is stopping his day thinking about me. I dunno I just think he and I would make a great pair but he has chose back in May not to date me at this point so I guess i need to move on. It's just hard when you still care for someone. Who knows...maybe he does care for me and his actions ARE just because he is that extremely busy. I need to be more confident I guess.
I couldn't agree more with Evy's comments. I would strongly recommend that you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You." I know some people don't like it, but the basic message is one that would save so many women endless hours of analyzing and wondering if a man is interested. But when it comes down to it, if a man wants to be with you, he will make every effort to demonstrate that consistently each and every day. If he's not taking you out, he's not that into you. Same if he's not sleeping with you or treating you like his girlfriend. The sad truth is that men are more simple than we think--when women describe them as complicated or confused, that really means that the guy isn't interested but is trying to avoid coming right out and saying it. Gamecock, I really think you should move on...if he wanted to be with you, he would, and you wouldn't have to pursue him or wonder if he liked you as more than a friend. If he wanted you, you'd know it--you deserve a man who is crazy about you and whose behavior never makes you question his desire to be with you. Let this one go and start dating some new guys. As far as the end of your post goes, while it's always good to be as confident as possible, that won't change the way he feels. He very well might care for you, but he's making it obvious that he doesn't want to date you, so please stop torturing yourself by wondering what's going on. He's making his feelings very clear without coming out and telling you bluntly that he's not interested in a romantic involvement with you--trust me, when guys call me and I don't want to date them, I tell them the exact same thing about being really busy and unable to get together for several weeks. But when it comes to guys I like, I can always find time to see them, and the same is true for men. You deserve someone who won't leave any doubt in your mind about his intentions--why not go find him and stop wasting time thinking about a guy who isn't interested anymore? I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but I don't think it would benefit you whatsoever if people who reply to your thread encourage you to keep thinking there is hope for a rekindled relationship with this guy. You clearly have a lot to offer, and I'll bet it won't be long before you find someone who's dying to spend as much time as possible with you.

 
Old 06-29-2005, 09:31 PM   #11
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

I also couldn't agree more with the last two posts.. In my experiences when I liked a woman I would do everything possible to spend time with them and even put stuff off I knew I shouldn't.. I really don't think men are very hard to figure out if they truly are interested... I think if they give you many doubts they are usually after just one thing...

 
Old 06-30-2005, 03:59 AM   #12
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

I agree with you in that he would make time for me if he really wanted to. Though I am not sure guys are always 100% simple to figure out. I mean before he left on his trip we hadn't been talking but he made it a point to talk to me and ask if he could see me. Then he leaves and while he didn't really talk to me until the last week he was there (he couldn't really) he called me long distance just to say hello. Now when he gets back he wants to talk to me some but then doesn't have time to hang out. and puts a frown face when I shrug it off.
I just hate it. I have read the book you mentioned and I remember that the friend I was reading it with and me didn't really saw how he matched any of them except for the whole "busy" thing.
To be perfectly honest I am so sick of the male population. No offense to you out there who are complete gentleman. I don't like to play games and he knows that and I am sick of it. I have had maybe one guy that kinda made time for me because we dated for 9 months. This current man and I were together around 10 months and then its like he got scared and started pulling this crap. I honestly don't want to date anyone anymore. I am not sure I will be able to trust a good one if he ever comes along. If all of my friend and family say I am such a catch then why does every man I get involved with just walk away? Figure that one out. I am just sick of being nice girl and always coming in last. Not to mention ALL the many trials he and I both went through together (losing relatives, other personal problems) that we were both there for each other.
I am just not sure I care anymore.....

 
Old 06-30-2005, 05:09 AM   #13
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

Hi Gamecock,

After reading this post, I have another book suggestion for you--Why Men Love *******. It talks a lot about how nice girls do themselves a disservice by being so understanding and flexible--this inadvertently attracts men who are tempted to push their limits and see just how much women will put up with from them. The author argues that quality men go for women who don't put up with any shady behavior, who stand firm and hold their ground in a relationship and refuse to compromise as far as expectations go. It's aimed at women who feel like being the nice girl attracts either jerks or guys who send lots of mixed messages and can't really decide what they want from a relationship. Being forceful and assertive, having strict standards and high expectations, and not letting guys get away with any sort of disrespect or ambivalence without speaking up has worked well for me; I've had a steady stream of relationships with wonderful, sweet, devoted guys who never try to get away with bad behavior. I really think there is something to the argument that men want a challenge, a girl who stands up to them and has a strong will along with strong desires and opinions which she is not afraid to voice assertively. Thinking back, I've only had one female friend who acts like this, and she's had the same kind of consistent success with relationships that I've been lucky enough to experience. The other girls I know are wonderful, caring women with a whole lot going for them, but they tend to be nice, easy-going, and not particularly assertive and forceful. You'd think that the nice girls would attract the nice guys, who treat women like princesses and never let them down or make them question their devotion, but the opposite seems to be true. Those men tend to be drawn to more aggressive women, and men who are more unreliable and difficult to deal with choose nicer and more laidback girls, probably because they know that really outspoken women won't put up with even one display of bad behavior.

Anyway, Why Men Love ******* really was a great book which is mainly aimed at nice women who want to be a little more discriminating and hold their ground in order to make sure they are treated wonderfully by any man they date (but it's a good read for all single women IMO). I think it would be a great book for any woman who is frustrated with her tendency to attract guys who aren't reliable, aren't eager to commit to her, and/or seem ambivalent about their feelings for her. The author's point is that you can still be kind, polite, and understanding, but that many women could benefit by standing up for themselves, not letting men feel confident that he's got a hold over them, and setting much higher standards as far as what kind of behavior they consider a deal breaker. I apologize if you're already familiar with all this...your situation just reminded me of that book, which I just read, as do several of the other posts I've read here lately. Basically, men seem to be able to sense how much crap we're willing to put up with, and they treat assertive, strong willed, and demanding women better than more patient, understanding, and accepting women for the simple fact that they can't get away with the way they treat the latter group when dealing with the former type of women. Also, by raising their standards of what behavior they won't accept (not putting up with guys who break dates, don't call when they say they will, don't make a consistent effort to show you how much they care about you, don't always make you feel like a very special and important person in their lives, etc.), women then project more confidence and self-esteem...it's amazing how men treat us according to how much of a prize we consider ourselves. Well sorry if this isn't helpful or if it's redundant, but some of your comments reminded me of that book's main points.

I agree with you that men aren't completely simple--they're intelligent people with complex desires and emotions, but deep down I think men want the same things as women (love, loyalty, commitment) though they go about attaining these goals much differently than women because of the way they are taught that "real men" should act. So anyway, I apologize if it seemed like I was patronizing men or being dismissive in describing them as simple. I still think men tend to be more straightforward and less complicated than women when it comes to emotions and relationships, but maybe that's because I've never gotten along well with girls but have had the opposite results with men, both as friends and boyfriends. Thanks for taking the time to elaborate more on your situation, Gamecock...after reading your latest post, it strikes me that the issue isn't so much that this guy isn't into you as an individual, but rather that he has no clue what he's into or what he wants from anyone. His behavior seems riddled with mixed messages, as if he can't truly make up his mind one way or another and wants to keep his options as flexible as possible...the problem is, it's incredibly disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings to leave you so confused and hanging on to the occasional glimpes of hope he reveals in order to keep you available and not have you give up completely on him. It makes me very angry when people are so selfish...I don't know if he's being this way intentionally, or if he's legitimately confused and just doesn't know any better, but there's no excuse for being so cavalier with your emotions. After knowing him as long as you have, he owes you an honest and upfront assessment of how he feels, what he wants, and if he sees any chance of a future for you two. Keeping you hanging and uncertain like he has been is inconsiderate at best and bordering on cruel, at least in my view.

I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do about men after putting up with his games--he may be a very nice guy, but he's certainly not representing his gender as well as he should be in the dating world. There are great guys out there who are attractive, confident, intelligent, sweet, and loyal, guys who would never play games or leave any doubt about their feelings in the minds of women they care about. You really may have something there in wondering why nice people seem to finish last...I've always wondered why it often seems like the kindest, most accepting and understanding people are treated worse than people who are much less deserving of considerate behavior. Maybe it's because people who for whatever reason aren't treating others well somehow sense who would be willing to tolerate their behavior--do you guys think that nice people sometimes end up being treated really poorly simply because people who act that poorly can sense who will put up with it? They may be able to tell pretty quickly who won't tolerate any of their games and therefore find themselves drawn to the sweetest and most understanding people. I hear so many stories about the kindest people who have had people they loved and trusted disappoint, hurt, and betray them in a variety of ways, and it really makes me sad. Surprisingly, the not so nice people I know (I definitely fit into this category) rarely seem to have this problem...I can't remember any of my bitchy friends having been treated really badly by their partners, while this seems to happen all too often to my sweeter, more patient and understanding friends and acquaintances. OK, I'll stop rambling about this now , but seriously, if you haven't read Why Men Love *******, I'd give it a try, Gamecock (the same goes for other sweet, wonderful women who don't receive the respectful and loving treatment they deserve--Sophia, I was thinking of mentioning the same thing to you last night).

Gamecock, I'm really sorry that this guy is putting you through such torturous uncertainty with all his mixed messages and ambivalent waffling. You deserve SO much more--there really are wonderful men out there who will treat you so sweetly and respectfully that you'll never be confused about their feelings and intentions when it comes to you. The trick is believing deep down that you deserve nothing but the absolute best treatment from men so that your confidence, high standards, and self-esteem shines from the inside out and draws in the really great gentlemen who will treat you better than you've ever thought possible. I know you still have strong feelings for your sort of ex, but I think you'd be best served by cutting him loose. For whatever reason, he's really confused and unable to come to any sort of conclusions about what he wants from you (and probably from relationships in general). As long as he's able to keep you hanging around and hoping there might be another chance for you and him, I'd bet that he'll do just enough to keep your hopes up, but not enough to give you any sort of confidence or certainty that he wants to rekindle your romance. He owes you so much better than that, out of respect for your friendship if for no other reason, but it doesn't sound like he's able to provide even close to the kind of consistent, caring committment every woman deserves from her relationship. I think you should read some dating books , put an ad up on an online dating site (it's fun to custom select and search for guys according to your preferences and requirements!), keep busy with work and having fun with your friends, and not let this guy cause you to spend any more time feeling sad, frustrated, and confused. You deserve so much more, and I just know you can and will find someone better if you're able to put this guy and his confusing games in the past, where he belongs. I wish you all the best, and hope at least some of my rant helped a little. Take good care of yourself, and always remember what a great catch you are and refuse to settle for being treated like anything less!

 
Old 06-30-2005, 05:12 AM   #14
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One more thing...

By the way, I'm not usually a relationship book reader, but my friend is, and out of curiousity I've read several of her books recently. I forgot to mention that I recently read one called Why Men Won't Commit (which ended up being a misleading title--it should have been called How to understand what men want and need and act accordingly in order to make you both happy without compromising yourself whatsoever) Well, I guess his title might fit a little better on the cover!! Anyway, the author George Weinberg provided an enormous amount of insight into the male psyche and what they want in relationships. I learned a whole lot and already that book has helped me handle my new relationship much better than I would have before I read it. It was so clear and accessible, yet not at all oversimplified or superficial. I can't believe how much better I understand the male outlook on love and relationships, and I can't recommend it strongly enough to every woman out there who would like to gain more insight into men and what they want. I thought I knew more about men than most women, but there was still a whole lot of material in the book that I found unfamiliar, but impressively accurate and astute. It's far and away the most helpful, incisive, and remarkable relationship book I've ever come across.

 
Old 06-30-2005, 06:37 AM   #15
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Re: Wish I knew what to do....

Thank you snails!! That does help. Everyone that knows him says he is confused in general and not doing this to me specifically. I just get frustrated because I honestly don't know how to be bitchy. haha... You say that your bitchy friends have less problems I just like don't know how to be bitchy. I am working on being stronger and more assertive. It's just hard after being such a nice girl for so long..hahaha. When he broke it off he said that at this time he wasn't falling in love with me but that he still cared a great deal for me and that there was a place for me in his life. So he basically did tell me. I know he is probably not in love with me but he has been hurt so much that I don't know if he could love anyone relationship wise. Anyways I guess the majority of this is me getting over yet another man.
Thanks for recommending those books. I just hate to think I had wasted my time with him because he didn't become like this until rather recently. Who knows...I am moving into a brand new house that I built next Friday so I hope that is going to help a great deal with things.
I am sick of guys just wanting me for one thing. I am the real deal and that should be obvious.
Oh well....we will see...maybe one day he will realize how special I am but by then it may be too late.

 
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