(I know it is long, Iím sorry but I had a lot to say. Please donít reply just to reply.)
I'm 18 years of age, she's 18.
My girlfriend of some 9 months is a great girl. She is innocent, virgin, caring and kind. I met her at the beginning of freshman year. Before college I had been an avid member of the "no sex before marriage" club. My girlfriend is the president. Evidently we are both yet to be "de-flowered"; well I guess it would be ďde-weededĒ for me.
I was in school for around a month and change before advancing our friendship into a relationship after our very tense and shy conversation on AIM. I met her some 2 weeks after school started. My experience with girls isnít exactly fruitful. Iíve had love mounds on me face. Iíve sucked on female digits. Most of my play was obtained from ample spin the bottle tournaments that including 5 second tongue lashings and such. No naughty bits were harmed or touched during our games.
I canít help but value her being the great girl she is. She wouldnít harm a fly. She is a very innocent girl. Before we made it official, she would hang around in my room and we would talk. In our room there is no other nice place to be other than the bed for hanging out cause our chairs are horribly stained and smell (they came with the room shut up). She actually made the first move on my bed when we were just hanging out. She kissed me on my lips out of no where. It just went on from there and we started having deep feelings for each other. I came into college looking for a Jewish princess and I got lucky! The 60 mph car hit a brick wall some 4 months later.
We always made out in bed and napped together religiously. It was cute stuff in general. It rarely got up to heavy petting. In college I was always with her. She would wake me up at like 9AM even if I had class at 11AM because she finished her first class at 9AM. I am a deep sleeper and going to bed at 3AM to be woken up constantly at 9AM wasnít exactly a cheerful wakeup call. Eventually I got tired of that and was exhausted constantly in her presence up to the point where it got annoying if she stayed very long. But being the great girl she is, I would feel horrible to tell her to do otherwise. I mean, she does this because she wants to see me? Why would I get rid of that? Her time with me rarely gave me time to myself and for any fun with my friends. But she is a priceless girl, wife potential.
She went to public school so her experiences arenít too off from mine when it comes to being brought up except for her UBER kosher family. I went to public school as well; theyíre all the same when it comes down to it. Sheís pretty much lacking in the experience department just like me. We once had a conversation about past experience and she told me her ex-boyfriend (I think her only real one) felt her up and how I am far more experienced even though no one has ever cupped my balls. I was sort of angry about it because at the time I was looking for a girl who was a Jewish princess, never been touched or looked at in a wrong way. She told me how it made her uncomfortable and that is why she broke it up, but only after I told her she shouldnít allow a guy to touch her like that. I wanted her to be completely clean for my dirty evil hands to do as I wish after marriage. Iím such a bumble ****.
Little did I know that college can do a huge ****ing number on your past standards and social policies. After about 4 months at school and making some contacts -- mostly with females. You get too know way too many girls for your mental health. You come out of a school where horrible looking thug-rat girls donít pay you no mind and find yourself at a school where decent girls want to suck you dry and give you cookies, you start to lose it, at least I did. My ship was sinking fast, or I was actually building a ship if you get my drift. I put abstention on trial and found it guilty of being a ****ing bummer and executed it right there in court.
At this point my hormones are beating the **** out of the only brain(s) I have, my nuts. Picture Zion in the Matrix getting taken over by lots of machine sentinels. Itís pretty much a stale-mate though, which is extremely annoying because you get so confused that you just want to come up with a solid resolution that you can stick to. Your real brain wants your sweet and kind girlfriend at your side while your nuts (now taken over by the rebel militia) are begging for poon. Mind you this is poon that you donít even need to fight for. Youíve already executed your ďno-sexĒ policy; you told your girlfriend you arenít going to fondle her boobies because she doesnít deserve such treatment; what are my options?
The brain commands the troops to stick by your girlfriend and forget the competition because there is no competing with this great girl that adores you. When the nuts are calling the shots, itís a different army. Itís a sex-deprived, Geneva Convention breaking, guerrilla force. Youíve been offered sex and the only real thing to do is act on the offer. You can cheat? It sure is a mighty fine option to the balls. She wonít find out. Heck, sheís never even seen this girl on campus. Itís a one time thing. I can keep it a secret. Youíre 18 years old, just got into college and youíre getting stuck in a relationship so soon when there is so much sex that you can dish out? If only you can break it off for a day, have sex, then get back into the relationship. That isnít cheating right? I am a ****ing dick is what I am.
My brain fights off with some dirty right leaning politics and smear campaigns. You start to hit a low point when all you are doing when hung-over from your hormone stooper is call yourself a raging **** hat. You are an ungodly person that isnít thinking about the angel you got lucky to call your own. How can you go to sleep at night? Do you really think your conscience will hold up to the pressure to spill your guts to this person that comes to see you everyday? Many men in horrible marriages would give anything to have a woman like you have. Someone so proper, intelligent and most importantly honest doesnít deserve to be wasted like you wasting her. (I talk to myself a lot if you havenít noticed.)
I never cheated on her yet. Yet -- because all it takes is too catch me at the right moment when big floppy horny dick rolls along on the tracks looking for a tunnel. Iím scared of that and let me explain that youíre reading the thoughts of a broken man who deep down doesnít want to cheat on her or think about it. When it comes down to it, I am the average guy. I realized in college that for a guy to remain abstinent, he must be devoted and educated to the practice. I have neither the former nor the latter. I guess for a relationship to work at its core for the smoothest possible ride, you need to oil your engine with emotional and physical oil. It takes a lot of that physical oil for the guyís end of the car not to die out. I was running on half empty.
The summer came into play. I travel to see her a few times a week, 45 minute drive there usually with some traffic. My nephew was recently born so Iíve been real tired but I still always drive to her even if she has a car and begs to drive to me. She bought him some real cute things and things like that coupled with her beautiful personality make me feel so darn guilty and I should feel guilty. I bought her a diamond necklace as an unofficial thank you recently for being with me and for getting my nephew some nice things. I also did it to try to make myself feel better about my stupid thoughts. But I still feel just as guilty especially when I get turned on by a hot girl walking down the street. I get that ďI want to punch myself in the faceĒ feeling. I feel like Iím the worst guy in the world sometimes.
I also feel so ****ing tacky since now the only place we can get intimate is in my ****ING BACK ****ING SEAT near a lake. I feel like such a friggen douche bag x 2.
Oddly enough I brought up intimacy with her after I got her the necklace. Just more reason to ****ing off myself for being a **** rag. Hereís a tip folks, donít be a piece of **** like me. Donít get a gift for your girlfriend before you have ďthe talkĒ. It wasnít my intention to show her my need for sex or anything of the sort but it turned into that. I guess I gathered the balls -- yeah those guys. Initially I told her that Iím sorry if I ever made her feel uncomfortable. I just always tell her Iím sorry for no real good reason because in all honesty sheís like a flower that I think Iím blocking from the sun. I wouldnít want to take advantage of her for my personal gain. I donít want to do something she doesnít want to do. So I always feel the urge to apologize when we get into heavy make-out sessions. The prior night was one such case after I got her the necklace. I felt like we made-out because of the ****ing necklace, I didnít want anything but to hear her breathe to be honest.
After apologizing for any stupid behavior that may have made her uncomfortable, she quickly responded as usual that there is nothing to be remotely sorry for, but it escalated. We started talking about fantasies and desires with me mostly talking about wanting to have sex on a beach as I played battlefield 2 (meant as a joke) with her responding that Iíd be talented to accomplish such. We sort of opened up. After telling her I was against pre-marital sex the first few weeks we knew each other, and how it ticked me off that she was felt up, I dug my own grave and buried with me any chance of a real deep physical aspect in our relationship. Although she didnít tell me anything specific, I let her know that I was interested in finding out whether I wasnít doing something she wanted me to do. She told me that just like any other girl she has needs but doesnít know what to ask for. In the words of my lady, ďIím just shy by nature, I canít ask for something like that.Ē I mean Iíd never in a blue moon ask my girlfriend to do anything to me, at least not any time soon. Sheís way too sweet to ask that of. It would also kill me to see that innocent face munching down on my man tool.
She also said she wouldnít want to make me uncomfortable as well. I quickly responded with, ďas long as you arenít sticking a karat in my ***. Weíre cool.Ē I like this girl mostly for her innocent nature and personality but humor is evidently good to loosen anyone up. After learning of the existence of desires in her psyche, it became a little easier for me. I no longer restricted myself to penetrating that beautiful mouth of hers with my tongue. It progressed to heavier kisses on the neck, more licking as days passed. Then it progressed to the chest area; a lot of kissing and licking, going back and fourth from her mouth to her neck, and down to the chest. After some more apologies from my stupid *** in text message format, feeling ashamed of what I am doing to this great girl, it progressed further.
I go lower to the breast area. No exposed breast though. Feeling like **** and feeling happy as my emotions ride my *** like a coaster. The night goes fourth as I suck gently on her upper breast near the braw line. I dribble cold spring water from my mouth onto her breasts (the temperature rises and sweat forms on her forehead) and blow on them as I gently pull her hair, sucking the twins dry and licking her neck. She really seems to like it and sheís loosening up. Iíve noticed at times that it gets so damn foggy you canít see out the windows and we get all sweaty like Michael Jackson at a childís ward. Yes we are still in the back seat with my tacky ***, cars change though between dadís Lincoln and my Impala LS. I canít figure out anywhere else to take this good girl, and I know she deserves more.
It doesnít stop there. This girl who actually made the first move, almost made the last move. Weíre in the back seat, with this new technique and new found land beneath her neck and soft jazz playing in the back ground. My sweet innocent girl decides to jump up on my lap, butt near my junk, with her feet around the small of my back. It canít stop there right? No it doesnít. I get an urge, no matter how much of a full blown molester I feel like already, to start feeling around on her tooshie. It wasnít the nice soft brush my hand against her cheek either. My hand was down the top of her skirt from the back, not from underneath -- YET. I had a hand full of an angelís *** (isnít that an ice-cream company Angelís *** or was it Devilís cake?). It felt so good no matter how naughty it was she even said ďit feels so goodĒ. In the moment you arenít thinking about anything but pleasuring the person thatís sitting atop your mountain of man-hood, so I progress further and put my hand underneath her skirt. Feeling the inside of her thighs and touching her panty lines as I have a mouth full of upper boob. Meanwhile sheís sliding her butt towards my knees and then toward my stomach, arching her back and all and she is seemingly joyous. Where the fudge did all of this come from in a merely a week after our joke filled discussion that started with an apology?
It doesnít end thereÖ I also genuinely feel like ****. Who the hell am I to be enjoying this girl now? Sheís so great. You felt ****** off when this other horny ******* grabbed her tit and now youíre enjoying the ride? Iím a damn animal. Now youíre whole heartedly into it because she jumps on your crotch? Are you not the devilís son? I tell her that I donít need any physical treats and I can live on her personality, beautiful face and smile which I probably can but my nights will sure as hell be cold and lonely. I try to tell myself the same but am I being honest to myself? It got so much easier with our new found exercise. I canít help but go back to the only excuse I have which is that no matter how good of a person she is, being a man will always require me to have a strong physical component in my relationship to make it work, and not necessarily sex. This is the best it has been but I feel oh so guilty after my cheating thoughts and all. They still come and go but after this week they definitely have grown less compelling and I feel like such a typical pig for that. I still apologize for me touching her like that constantly even after the fact she threw herself atop of me and gave me what amounted to a lap dance. Maybe Iím crazy but I canít help but feel guilty for having the thought of making her do what we do now from that somewhat erotic chat we had, even though Iím ****ing enjoying it. I made it clear that I want to fulfill her desires and mine can wait. I couldnít picture this when I first met her and napped between classes with her, fed her, made sure she was warm and massaged her feet. I would have never wanted her to do this until marriage but college gave me a shot filled with horny juice right in my ***. Sheís precious to me and Iím an utter *******. Beauty and the beast is what I call our ďromanceĒ.
To detail the extent of my devious contact, I have yet to make full intentional contact with the lower parts of her breasts, and sugar walls (vag). How the heck should I know if she wants more? Iím not in the know. What else can I possibly do with her breasts, chest and neck that would keep her interested? How the heck would I go about it anyway? Iíve been sort of creative and pretty good for a newbie in my opinion, not to flatter myself. It wouldíve been news to me that we got this far some 8 months ago. Iím sorry for bugging you all I just want to hear any of your thoughts and suggestions. I know Iím an *******. Iím really depressed over this, but let some of my humor hide that. I apologize all the time and I canít seem to pinpoint why.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Please donít **** with my thread.